A very good dog tells Buddy he should be grateful to humans instead of complaining about them.
Dear Buddy,
You’re kind of a jerk when it comes to humans.
Humans love us! They take care of us, they feed us, they let us sleep on the floor and drag our butts over the carpet!
They are so nice, always complimenting us and reminding us we’re good boys. They take us for walks, pick up our business and sometimes they let us sleep at the foot of the bed!
Humans are a little stressed right now. They have the whole virus thing on their minds. They’re worried about getting sick, or about their friends who are sick. I’m sure serving your dinner at exactly the right time isn’t the biggest priority right now. That’s a first world cat problem.
So maybe humans need your support and love instead of constant criticism. Have you ever thought of that?
– Good Boy Grateful in Georgia
Dear Good Boy,
No, I hadn’t thought of that.
Buddy the Impatient
P.S. Meal service tardiness is not a trivial matter.
How humans should be treating us during the Coronavirus pandemic. Credit: Great Canine/imgur
Humans home too much lately? Buddy’s got a solution!
Dear Buddy,
There’s a dire situation we need to urgently bring to your attention: Our humans are not leaving the house! We meowed to the other cats on our block, and their humans aren’t leaving their homes either. Abe the Abyssinian from across town wandered into our neighborhood and said the same thing is happening in his neck of the woods.
WHAT IS GOING ON?!?
Don’t get us wrong, it’s nice to have a little extra service now and then, but this is really putting a cramp on our lifestyles. We can’t sit on the Warm Pads because our humans are always at home using them. Our beds, which we generously allow our people to use every night, are now constantly claimed by these suddenly-lazy humans.
Worst of all, we can’t steal food because our humans are right here.
Do you know why this is happening?
– Perturbed in Pensacola
Credit: Instagram/marugadesuyo
Dear Perturbed,
I hadn’t noticed, but then again my human is a loser who works from home and doesn’t have a social life, so I queried some feline amigos, and sure enough their humans are staying indoors too.
Usually this only happens when it’s really cold and snowing, but it’s pretty nice outside, sunny and getting warmer.
I strongly suspect this has to do with the Corona Virus, the one spreading through beer, as I learned through my own investigation last week. (Detective work comes naturally to me.)
Perhaps we can solve this by bringing the infected beer to them! Think about it: They’re doing something called quarreltineering to avoid Corona, but if they open up the fridge and find Coronas right there, they’re no longer safe at home!
That means they will go back outside and we can have our naps and steal food in peace.
I really should sell these ideas instead of giving them away for free. I’d be rich!
From Tic-Cat-Toe to Zoomies Bowling, people and their cats look to stave off boredom.
You’re bored, we’re bored, everyone’s bored.
We’re all living like hermits these days, hunkered down at home, trying to limit our exposure to the Coronavirus while risking cabin fever.
We’re trying to find new activities here in El Casa de Buddy: There aren’t any live sports, the new season of Netflix’s awesome action drama Kingdom only had six episodes, and there are only so many times you can watch humorous clips of idiots playing trombones on bikes or Ali G exasperating another poor soul with his profound stupidity. (“It’s a farm. Do you know what a farm is?” “It’s a rubbish zoo.”)
Necessity being the mother of invention and all that, people have begun inventing sports to play with their cats.
Cat cricket:
I’ve invented a game of “cat cricket”.
🏏My cat has to defend the box from my ping pong ball.
🏏If the ball hits the cardboard, that’s a point to me. 🤷🏻♂️
Inspired by the creativity of other feline servants, I put a few suggestions to Buddy.
“Hey Bud, wanna play cat soccer?”
“What’s that?”
“It’s a game. We take a ball and…”
“Nope. Got napping to do.”
“Uh, okay. How about cat golf? I’ll cut a hole in a cardboard box and…”
“Don’t you dare defile a box!”
“But it’ll be fun! Come on, little dude.”
“I have an idea for a game.”
“You do?”
“Yep. It’s called Buddy takes a nap, and Big Buddy stays quiet otherwise Little Buddy bites him. We start playing now.”
So there you have it. We’re gonna try our hand/paw at competitive napping, which I suppose works for us since Buddy’s favorite way to nap is curling up on top of me.
If any of our readers have found novel ways to simultaneously entertain themselves and their feline masters, please do share.
Buddy puts his considerable detective skills to good use, uncovering the link between Corona virus and Corona beer.
Dear Buddy,
My humans have been stressed out lately, rubbing every surface with weird-smelling wipes and going on incessantly about something called the Coronavirus. I’m starting to get a little worried now. What is the Coronavirus, and do we cats have to worry about a disease that infects lesser animals like humans?
– Unsure In Utah
Dear Unsure,
I’d never heard of that there Coronavirus, so I did a little research. It turns out that my Big Buddy has six (!) Coronas in the refrigerator and is either unaware they carry viruses or doesn’t care.
Actually there may be more than six. I got kinda distracted when I found the cheese and helped myself to some Gouda.
So I went on the Internet, because everyone knows only true things are allowed on the Internet, and I found this:
Also, the search term “Corona beer virus” is trending, so there are people who are smart like me who have also made the connection:
Searches for “Corona beer virus” and “Coronavirus beer” have spiked sharply over the past month, Google Trends shows.
I also looked at the most trustworthy source, Wikipedia, and it says Corona is a beer made in Mexico.
I’m not exactly sure whether Mexico is a city or a province of China, but I heard some humans saying Corona Virus originated in China, so I can tell you for sure that Corona Virus started with Mexican Chinese people drinking Corona.
So it is my informed and professional opinion that we felines are safe from Coronavirus as long as we do not drink Corona, and as long as our humans don’t put Corona beer in our water bowls.
Chinese authorities threaten pets as Coronavirus fears grow.
It shouldn’t come as a surprise that a government with no respect for any kind of life — human or animal — would threaten the mass extermination of cats and dogs.
It’s par for the course in China, where authorities in dozens of cities and provinces are urging people to “deal with” their pets in the wake of the Coronavirus threat — or the government will, media reports say.
The warnings have been issued in Wuhan, the epicenter of the Coronavirus, as well as Shanxi, Beijing, Tianjin, Shandong, Hebei and Shanghai, according to the Humane Society International.
Yet there’s no evidence the virus has been transmitted by domesticated pets like cats and dogs, and no evidence those animals can catch it from humans, experts say.
In Wuhan, residents have been told to keep their pets indoors, and warned that any cats or dogs spotted outdoors will be “killed and buried on the spot,” the UK’s Metro reported.
But experts say it’s the government’s fault that the virus jumped from wild animals to humans in the first place. China has refused to shut down so-called “wet markets,” where live animals are sold next to the carcasses of recently-slaughtered animals, despite the fact that SARS and other viruses originated from those markets.
A Chinese wet market. Credit: Nikkei
Officials believe the Coronavirus originated at the Huanan Wholesale Seafood Market, one of many “wet markets” described as “filthy, crowded places where animals are displayed alive in small cages” and “are often slaughtered on site.”
China has been “mired in long-held beliefs about the benefits of eating exotic and often endangered animals for good health,” the Humane Society said in a statement, referring to traditional Chinese “medicine” and other folk practices that use animal parts in ineffective and dangerous tonics and elixirs.
In addition to creating the circumstances for viruses to jump from wild animals to humans, the illegal wildlife trade has pushed animals like tigers and pangolins to the brink of extinction.
“Chinese society is boiling with anger at wildlife policy failures,” said the Humane Society International’s China policy specialist, Peter Li. “Social media is full of posts condemning the refusal to shut down the wildlife markets. This is the worst Chinese New Year in China’s recent history.”
Pain In The Bud 