Buddy needs help remodeling things more to his tastes.
I need a handy human to come over to Big Buddy’smy apartment when Big Buddy is not here and help me with a little home improvement project.
Specifically I need you to unscrew all the hinge thingies and the hinges too, and take the doors down.
All of them.
Except maybe the one in the front because it keeps unwanted riff raff like dogs out of my house. But most definitely the doors to Big Buddy’s my bedroom and the bathroom need to go. Those are the most important ones.
As payment you can keep the doors you take down, and you can take a selfie with me so you can show all your friends you met the most handsomest and ripped cat in all the realm.
P.S. – I will take TWO selfies with any handy human who can also build me a staircase to the treat cabinet in the kitchen!
My human has me scheduled to go to the vet for neutering on May 12, and the dreaded day is fast approaching. I’m terrified! I don’t want to be neutered! Help me please, how do I get out of this nightmare?
Terrified in Texas
Dear Terrified in Texas,
What the hell are you talking about?
Buddy
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Dear Buddy,
It’s when your human brings you to the evil veterinarian and they remove your balls! How can you not know this? You’re telling me you weren’t neutered?
T in T
Dear T in T,
I still have my balls. My favorite is green and fuzzy and I use it to play catch with Big Buddy. I also have one with little lights in it and it makes noises when I swat it around! So much fun!
There’s a catnip ball too, but the catnip is inside and I can’t get to it. That kinda sucks. Tell your human not to take away your toys.
Buddy
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Dear Buddy,
No, you moron! Your balls! As in testicles! They cut them! It hurts just thinking about it!
T in T
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Dear T in T,
Hey now! No need for name calling. Who is Testicles? Was he friends with Achilles and Socrates? And what does this have to do with balls?
If you’re gonna write in and ask my advice, the least you can do is make sense!
Buddy
(The great warrior Testicles led the Spartans alongside Leonidas and the 300 legendary cats who fought a million-strong dog army in Thermopylae Alley. To this day, poets sing songs of Testicles and his bravery.)
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Dear Buddy,
I suggest you go and ask your beloved Big Buddy what happened the first time you went to the veterinarian. Make sure your claws are extra sharp before you have that conversation. You’ll thank me later.
T in T
(King Leonidas — er, Leokittiness — image courtesy of CollageOrama.)
Catnip isn’t illegal because the market would simply move underground under the control of the Gatos Gangs.
No one wants to see a revival of the bloody turf wars that resulted from the last time crusading politicians classified “the nip” as a Schedule I controlled substance.
The days of illegality were marked by brutal violence at the paws of niplords like Avon Meowsdale and Pawblo Escobar, who controlled the public housing towers and street corners with an iron claw, dispatching armies of furry minions to push that kitty crack.
It all seems like a joke until you slow-roll through the neighborhood and watch previously respectable cats splayed out on the sidewalks, twitching and drooling, dispatched by that foul weed to a world where neurons fire in poultry flavors and every object is a ball of yarn just waiting to be unraveled.
If your cat has been addicted to the nip, you’ll know the signs.
Medicine cabinets, pantries and kitchen cupboards sloppily rummaged through by shaking paws.
Oregano bottles left half-empty because your cat gorged himself on the herb until he realized he wasn’t getting high.
Globs of half-digested kibble upchucked in corners and closets by your withdrawal-stricken, sweat-matted kitty.
Cans of expensive cat food vanishing overnight, used as currency to purchase “can bags” of the insidious perennial.
Cat condos, toys and scratchers suddenly disappearing, pawned by desperate kitties who just need to “get well one last time.”
In short, illegal catnip turns our beloved felines into criminals who stalk the seedy underbellies of our cities, padding to all sorts of unsavory locations in pursuit of a fix. It empowers gangs like The Gatos and fuels feline criminal empires, which in turn leads to savage turf wars.
When veterinary clinics were filled to capacity with the victims of the brutal catnip wars, it was a wake-up call. Even kittens were caught up in the crossfire and recruited by The Gatos to serve as look-outs and runners.
Nowadays catnip is a strictly regulated yet legal market controlled by the likes of Jackson Galaxy and the Meowijuana Company instead of The Gatos. The world is a better place for it.
My human doesn’t groom herself and it’s very distressing to me. She has so much hair yet not once have I seen her licking her paws and rubbing them through her mane.
Dear Buddy,
My human doesn’t groom herself and it’s very distressing to me. She has so much hair yet not once have I seen her licking her paws and rubbing them through her mane. This is getting to be a bit much: I already catch dinner since she is inept at hunting, but she doesn’t appreciate that. I brought her a nice juicy mouse, but she freaked out and threw it away! No appreciation, I tell ya…
Anyways, what should I do about the grooming?
Hygienic in Hawaii
Dear Hygienic in Hawaii,
I’m glad you wrote to me, because this is an ongoing problem with humans! I own a male human and have tried to teach him how to groom himself to no avail.
What I recommend you do is wait until your human is asleep. That’s what I do. When Big Buddy settles down in bed I start grooming myself like I’m about to go to sleep, and as soon as I hear him snoring I finish up grooming my butt with my tongue and pad on over to his face. He has hair on top of his head and on his cheeks and chin, so I usually start with his chin and work my way up.
If he wakes up I just start purring and go “Meow meow, look at me I’m a simple kitty!” and he falls to sleep again, allowing me to finish the job.
You can try communicating, but it won’t work. Humans are stupid. Everyone knows poop in a shoe means “You’re disgusting! Bathe yourself!” but humans just get mad and yell about how much the shoe costs. Idiots.
Pain In The Bud 