Tag: pet adoption

Up For Adoption: A Buddy From Hell

Meet Buddy: Not for people who enjoy peace, caretakers with autoimmune diseases, or anyone who dislikes being smacked in the face.

What this 10-pound grey tabby lacks in size, he makes  up for in unmitigated douchebaggery.

LIKES: Turkey, mind-controlling you with toxoplasma gondii, never shutting up, destroying expensive personal belongings (particularly musical instruments), dipping his tail in your beverage just to piss you off. He occasionally enjoys rending human flesh with his claws as well.

DISLIKES: People who don’t give him treats. People who don’t treat him like the center of the universe. Vacuums, tardy service, acts of kindness, substandard service, mirrors, birds, dogs.

Come and meet Buddy, who is free to the first person who’ll claim him! In fact, we’ll play you, and he comes with a litter box, food/water bowls, toys, a harness, treats, scratching posts and heavy duty gloves.

Okay, so clearly I’m not giving Buddy away or taking applications for him. Anyone who wants Buddy will have to pry him from my cold, dead hands. He’s my Buddy.

But this adoption ad from an animal shelter in North Carolina got me thinking about how cats are described to prospective adopters:

Adoption ads for house cats are perfunctory affairs peppered with the same handful of descriptors: Every cat is a sweet, loving cuddle bug looking for a “furrever” home.

If you knew nothing about cats and based your opinion on adoption ads only, you’d think they’re basically cuddly pillows with no variation in personality or disposition.

The person who crafted Perdita’s adoption ad managed to cut through the noise with a funny, brutally honest description of the cat and her many quirks.

World’s worst cat? Even the veterinarian thinks she’s a major jerk? I have to know more.

The ad worked. Not only did it go viral, amassing thousands of shares, upvotes and comments on social media, it’s been talked about on TV and written about in major publications.

Most importantly for little Perdita, the clever ad also prompted more than 50 enthusiastic applicants, and the shelter says it’s “carefully considering” the would-be servants, no doubt trying to find the perfect match for the “World’s Worst Cat.”

At a time when thousands of charitable organizations are competing for donations and deserving pets languish in shelters, Perdita’s story proves rescues can cut through the noise and find homes for even the grumpiest of cats.

Buddy Angry
“Buddy doesn’t do hugs, okay? Buddy speaks in the third person, Buddy meows insistently for dinner, but Buddy does not do hugs. Deal with it, human.”


Cats and the Art of Not Caring

“Any dog’s a good dog, as long as you’re not a psycho.”

So says Bill Burr in an extended confessional rant about dogs picking up on their humans’ moods.

“I didn’t realize they feed off your vibes. If you’re chillin’, they’re chillin’. If you’re sleeping, they’re sleeping,” Burr says.

“But if you’re a psycho like me, and you’re standing in front of the TV screaming at the ref like ‘Dude, you’ve gotta be f—-ing kidding me!’, I didn’t realize the dog was gonna be in the corner like, ‘Yeah, you gotta be f—-in’ kidding me! This is bullsh!t! I don’t know what this guy’s mad at, but I love this guy!’”

Thirty thousand years of human companionship have forged dogs into the animal world’s foremost people experts, more well-attuned to human moods and behavior than any other creature by several orders of magnitude. Dogs can smell our emotions, read intent in our body language and gauge our sincerity by the way our facial muscles twitch.

If a dog’s favorite person is amped up about something, the dog is too.

But cats? They just don’t care.

When humans act out, cats are more like annoyed roommates.

“Excuse me, but you’re at a nine and I need you at about a two, okay? Some of us are trying to sleep like civilized people.”

“What?! Can’t you see I’m upset? You should be concerned.”

“Not my problem. Remember what I said: A two. And dinner better not be late! I don’t care what those guys on the TV are doing, my bowl needs to have fresh yums at the strike of dinner o’clock.”

“What is it that concerns you, human? Oh! I just remembered, I don’t care.”

If it doesn’t impact their food, territory or the quality of the service they’re receiving, cats don’t want to know.

So while I might be on the edge of my seat watching the Yankees’ Aaron Judge take a 3-2 pitch with the game tied in the bottom of the ninth inning, Buddy’s probably thinking, “Damnit, can the Yankees lose already so he stops moving around? I need a stable lap and some peace and quiet!”

Any cat’s an ambivalent cat, regardless of whether you’re a psycho.

Buddy’s Mailbag: What Do You Think About Cloning Cats?

Dear Buddy,

I came across this article about a cloned kitten who looks a lot like you did as a baby, although not as devastatingly handsome.

What do you think about cloning? Do you want to be cloned?

– Wondering in West Virginia

Cloned Cat Cinnabun
Cinnabun 2.0, who is not as handsome as Buddy.


Dear Wondering,

You’re right, that kitten isn’t nearly as good-looking as I am.

What do I think about cloning? Well, the article says these people in North Carolina paid $25,000 to clone their cat, Cinnabun.

Twenty-five grand is a hefty price tag to clone a cat with such a stupid name. Do you know how much turkey that could buy? Well I don’t either, but I know it’s a lot!

Twenty-five thousand big ones could buy me a huge cat condo, one of those fancy window hammocks, a lifetime’s supply of Meowie Wowie and Purple Passion Meowijuana, plus all the toys I want!

But I don’t need that stuff. Although he has many faults, Big Buddy does a fine job of anticipating my desires and always serves my meals precisely on schedule. My bowl runneth over with turkey and salmon. The guys at the shelter, though, they could use it!

Speaking of shelters, you know who’s not getting a real home because these people decided to “create” Cinnabun 2.0? Some poor shelter cat who’s been in a cage for two years. (To their credit, the Bullerdick family, Cinnabun 2.0’s servants, say they donate to the Humane Society.)

Shelter Kitty
“Excuse me! Hey! I could use a home too, you know.”

The people who had Cinnabun cloned say they were inspired by Barbra Streisand, who cloned her dog for $50,000. What do you have against shelter pets, Barbra Streisand? Hmmm?

And no, I don’t want to be cloned! There’s only one Little Buddy! If Big Buddy clones me, I’ll come back to bite him and poop in his shoes!

– Buddy

Buddy the Very Handsome Kitten
Even as a kitten, Buddy was dashingly handsome and had huge muscles!