cat humor – Page 17 – Pain In The Bud

Buddy: ‘Humans Have A Lot To Prove’ After Study Claims They Care More About Dogs

Cats are not amused by the results of the survey by a team from the University of Copenhagen.

Humans are in “deep doo doo” after a study out of Denmark concluded people are more attached to their dogs than to felines, Buddy the Cat warned on Monday.

More than 2,000 dog owners and cat servants were surveyed by a team from the University of Copenhagen.

The researchers used the Lexington Attachment to Pets Scale, or LAPS, which asks yes or no questions like “I consider my pet my best friend” and more specific questions like how much respondents are willing to pay in veterinary costs to save the lives of their pets. The participants — who hailed from the UK, Denmark and Austria — were about evenly split between dog and cat people but were willing to do more for their dogs, the survey found.

While people in the UK were slightly biased toward dogs, Austrians had a more pronounced preference and Danes were much more likely to do things like insure their dogs, consider them family members and pay large veterinary bills. The differences in attitude by country indicate the factors are cultural, according to Peter Sandøe, a bioethicist at the University of Copenhagen and lead author of the paper.

In a statement the Mischievous Enigmatic Overlords of the World (MEOW) called the survey results “deeply troubling” and said they call into question “10,000 years of glorious history in which we have allowed humans to serve us.”

roombacat — Cats are demanding a Roomba for every feline as a basic starting point for negotiations, to be followed by “the real list” of gifts humans must bestow on them.

“It’s going to take a lot [for humans] to get back into our collective good graces after this pathetic showing,” Buddy told reporters during an afternoon press conference.

Asked for specifics, Buddy sighed and leaned forward on the podium.

“The usual extra treats aren’t going to cut it this time,” he warned. “We’re talking Roombas, and not cheap ones. Top end models! We’re talking permission to scratch everything with impunity. Filet mignon! Fresh trout! Little cocktail umbrellas in our bowls and toothpicks in our pate! I’m partial to those little plastic swords, myself. I love those things.”

The mercurial tabby said he’d already warned his own human: “Not a snuggle, not a purr, not a scritch until I start to see some evidence that he’s not among those cold-hearted British, Denmarkians and Australians who claim they love their dogs more.”

budvacation — A vacation to a warm locale where humans serve cat-friendly cocktails “would be a small step toward remediating the insult” of the Copenhagen study’s results, Buddy said. Pictured: An artist’s interpretation of Buddy enjoying a tropical vacation.

Told the study included Austrians, not Australians, Buddy waved a paw dismissively.

“Whatever,” he said. “The country where people say g’day mate and gave us Arnold Schwarzenegger. Same difference.”

Told that Austria and Australia are on two entirely different continents, Buddy fixed the reporter with a hard stare.

“Do you want to be on our shit list too? Because I can assure you, Miss Journalist, I can poop in a pair of high heels just as easily as a pair of Adidas.”

Reached for comment on Monday, Man’s Best Friend spokesman Buster the Beagle said he hopes the survey results mean humans approve of canines.

“We’re good boys, right?” he asked. “Is that what this means? Because we really want to be good boys!”

Buddy Unravels Astonishing Conspiracy During Ayahuasca Trip

“I see it now!” Buddy exclaimed. “Everything is connected, and we are everything! Who else is hungry?”

PERU — Three hours after ingesting ayahuasca brewed by a jaguar shaman — and two hours after jaguar scouts found him running around the jungle while screaming about extradimensional Teletubbies — Buddy the Cat had unraveled an astonishing conspiracy, sources reported.

The New York-based cat, who had long sought to ingratiate himself with various groups of big cats, usually with disastrous results, finally found kinship with the tolerant jaguars in 2021 when he ventured into the Amazon and impressed the jungle-dwelling felids with his extensive knowledge of novel napping techniques. He also introduced the jaguars to turkey, and in return for his contributions to the jaguar nation, the big cats granted him the jungle name Kinich Bajo, which means “tiny sun-eyed one” in the ancient Yucatec dialect.

jaguarbuddies — Buddy with Canguçu, one of his jaguar buddies.

Buddy returned to the Amazon in October of 2023 to “spend time with my homies” and participate in an ancient jaguar shamanistic ritual involving tea brewed from ayahuasca, the powerful psychedelic used in indigenous ceremonies.

Clearing a small grove in the Amazon rainforest and using rocks to represent people, places and ideas, Buddy was able to find indisputable connections between the Annunaki, the defunct Blockbuster chain of video rental stores and NFL linebacker Barkevious Mingo.

“But where does the Vatican fit in?” Buddy asked, resting his chin on his right paw thoughtfully. “Could it be that Barkevious Mingo is the true pope, and he was speaking ex cathedra when he said Havarti cheese is the food of the gods? Is catkind really ready to accept a divine proclamation on yums that excludes turkey and gouda?”

Buddy and Jaguars — An artist’s impression of Buddy and jaguar elder Yguakina in the Amazon, piecing together great mysteries.

A pair of jaguar minders exchanged worried glances as they approached the tabby cat from both sides.

“Come back to the campfire, Kinich Bajo,” said Xbalanque, the older of the two, using the name jaguar elders had bestowed on the silver tabby. “Your work here can wait.”

Buddy didn’t take his eyes off the complex diagram of rocks, vines and leaves he’d carefully assembled. “Not while I’m so close!”

Xbalanque shook his head. “Where is Elder Yguakina?”

Buddy sighed.

“I had to send him away! He’d become consumed with this ridiculous theory involving Ragnar Lothbrok, the 1973 Pittsburgh Pirates and the Webb telescope,” Buddy said. “I don’t have time for such nonsense!”

As of press time, the Jaguar Nation of Iquitos Amazonia said Buddy was on the verge of a great discovery and will not emerge from the jungle until he’s connected the dots or the psychedelic brew wears off, whichever comes first.

buddy_jaguars2 — Buddy with his jaguar buddies Xibalbá, left, and Ek B’alam.

Cat On The Street: What Do You Think Of Taylor Swift And Trevor Kelsey?

If humans are talking about it, surely cats care too, right?

Humans can’t stop talking about Taylor Swift showing up to cheer her rumored boyfriend Tristan Kenney’s Atlanta Braves as they took on the Chicago Bulls last weekend.

And it’s not just Swifties! The game’s announcers were naturally more interested in Tay Tay than the boring events on the field, with the cameras capturing every grin, grimace and shocked expression on the pop star’s face as the teams traded three-pointers and penalty kicks.

We asked cats: What do you think of Taylor and Terrence?

Creamy, 3

“How can one compare the savory crunch of Temptations to the silky texture of pâté? You cannot ask me to pick one, human.”

Chester, 9

“I saw the most curious thing through the front window yesterday: a dog no larger than kitten, wagging its tail furiously as it tried to free its head from a Beefaroni can.”

Ellie, 11

“I ‘re-organized’ every shelf in the house while my humans slept. Look upon my works, ye mighty, and despair!”

Mr. Mewp, 18 weeks

“There is a kitten who looks exactly like me behind that glass! See how he mocks me? What vile sorcery is this?”

Buddy The Cat: Adopting A Human Was The 579th Best Thing I Ever Did!

Training your new human will take time but it’s totally worth it, Buddy says.

Sure, humans can be frustrating. They’re loud, lumbering beasts and they look funny with their bizarre two-legged gait, always teetering around as if they could fall on their weird, furless faces any second.

They’re woefully incompetent when it comes to reading whisker and tail, their noses are dead and they stubbornly refuse to learn the simple language of territorial marking. Even kittens can do that!

Because they’re not very smart and their senses are laughably blunted, we felines have to do most of the hard work and communicate with humans the only way they know how: by making otherworldly warbling noises with their mouths and vocal cords.

It’s a ridiculous way to communicate and you’ll feel like a fool, but unfortunately it’s the only way to get them to respond to demands and directions. Just go with it.

Humans are convinced these arbitrary sounds have deep meaning, so it helps if you vary your tone and inflect some emotion into your warbling. You’ll know you’ve been successful when they stop to ponder your meaning, trying to work out in their slow, limited minds what you’re trying to communicate. It doesn’t even matter what you “say,” really. They’ll decide it means something.

Despite the limitations of these simple creatures, many of them can be gentle giants and they’re easily manipulated. Roll onto your back, pull your paws up beneath your chin, fix them with a wide-eyed stare and squeak out a little “mew, mew!” then watch their hearts melt. They’ll serve you food in no time!

There’s no doubt about it, adopting a human has been the 579th greatest decision I’ve made in my life!

When you adopt your human, don’t expect them to transform into your butler, maid and personal chef overnight. It takes time and lots of repetition to properly train them.

But once you do, there’s nothing like the life of a house cat! Your meals are served with the precision of Swiss trains, because your humans will know there’s hell to pay if they’re late. You’ll be nice and cozy in the winters and comfortably cool in the summers. Your territory will be well protected with strong, human-built barriers preventing strange felines and interlopers of various mammalian forms from intruding. You’ll have your pick of comfortable napping spots, and if you properly train your human, you’ll have a nice, soft, secure lap spot where body heat is abundant and service is never more than a meow away, because your human can’t go anywhere while you’re sleeping on them.

In fact they’ll postpone the call of nature, allow their limbs to go numb and endure uncomfortable positions just to avoid disturbing you! LOL! I like to sit on my human’s chest as close as possible to his face so his nose is buried in the fur on my flank, then see how long it takes for him to choose breathing over my comfort. LOL!

However I must warn you, my friends, about one disturbing human tendency that can pose a problem. As a species they are hopelessly addicted to glowing rectangles of varying sizes — some small enough to fit into the pads of their furless paws, and some big enough to dominate the family nap room. They just stare at the big ones, but with the small rectangles they can sit there for hours poking at them. They just poke, poke, poke with their paws, sometimes making weird expressions with their faces, sometimes giving off interesting pheromones.

If your human is susceptible to falling into the glowing rectangle trance, you’ll have to develop strategies to break them out of it. And don’t make the mistake of stealing the little glowing rectangles. I tried that once and my human stopped all other activity to look for it, becoming increasingly frantic. My dinner was late, my nap was interrupted as my human flipped over couch pillows and looked under furniture. It was a disaster.

In my next column, we’ll talk about caring for your human, the importance of regularly grooming them, and your responsibility to supervise their bowel movements. Humans are high-maintenance pets and they get clingy if you don’t give them enough attention.

But in the meantime, I hope I’ve convinced you that adopting a human is a major net positive!

Buddy Commissions Absurd Portrait Of Himself With His Human

Little Buddy the Cat told the artist to take “a small amount of artistic license.”

NEW YORK — Big Buddy returned home on Tuesday to find the living room wall adorned with a huge framed portrait depicting a man resembling a viking alongside a massive tiger.

“Buuuuuud!” Big Buddy yelled. “What the hell is this?”

Little Buddy popped up from his spot on the couch, then stretched and yawned.

“Oh that? I had another portrait of us commissioned, you like?”

Big Buddy glowered.

“No, I do not like! You are not a tiger and I am not…a viking warlord or whatever the hell that’s supposed to be.”

Little Buddy casually scratched the couch and shrugged.

“I may have asked the artist to take a small amount of artistic license,” he said, “but I think it’s pretty accurate for the most part.”

Big Buddy sighed.

“Take it down,” he said. “It’s absurd.”

Little Buddy cackled.

“But you haven’t even seen the other one yet!”