Casa de Buddy – Pain In The Bud

Terrified By Reports Of Bird Flu, Buddy Appoints His Human As Food Taster

“If you keel over and die, I’ll know not to eat the food,” Buddy told his human.

NEW YORK — Driven to paranoia by reports of spreading bird flu, Buddy the Cat has appointed his human as his food taster, sources confirmed.

The decision was made on Friday after the self-described “brave and fearless” tabby cat heard a news report about new cases of bird flu, including a cluster of the deadly virus in several cats in Hunterdon County, New Jersey, only 60 miles from Casa de Buddy.

Little Buddy made the act official, naming his human as “praegustator,” a title borne by imperial food tasters of ancient Rome.

“Your lunch, Your Meowjesty,” Buddy’s human, Big Buddy, said as he placed a bowl of chicken pate and fresh water before the feline.

Buddy looked at his human.

“What?” Big Buddy asked. “You want me to eat it for you, too?”

Big Buddy chuckled, but Little Buddy remained stone-faced.

“As a meowter of fact, I do,” the feline said. “Dig in.”

Big Buddy made a disgusted face.

“I’m not eating that, that’s your food, little dude,” he said. “What’s gotten into you?”

Buddy chuffed derisively.

“Bird flu, that’s what!” he said. “If you keel over and die, I’ll know there’s bird flu in the food!”

The human rolled his eyes.

“If I die, who feeds you? Who gets your claws unstuck from the door screen, rubs your head and tells you what a brave little guy you are? Who serves as your human pillow? Who gives you scritches while you purr and tells you about your website, and how many people all over the world love you?”

Buddy’s satellite dish ears twitched.

“I hadn’t thought of that,” he admitted. “But I’m still not eating that until I know it’s safe!”

Big Buddy picked up the bowl.

“Fine,” he said. “I’m sure Smudge next door will be thrilled with another meal.”

Buddy’s eyes went wide.

“Do not give my food to that…that scoundrel!” he meowed indignantly.

Big Buddy sighed. “Then we’re back to square one.”

“Yes,” Little Buddy said. “Now eat the food, human!”

Top image: Food tasters at the Feast of Bartolomeo Colleoni in honor of Christian I of Denmark, 1467/ Wikimedia Commons

2 Men Break Into House, Demand Cat At Gunpoint, Cops Say

The would-be robbers knew the cat was worth money and specifically targeted the victims, according to police.

Two armed men broke into a Connecticut home on Sunday afternoon and demanded the victims turn over their “high dollar value cat,” according to the East Haven Police Department.

The would-be robbers initially tried to force their way into the East Haven house through a rear sliding glass door, but when the victims tried to prevent them from getting in, one of the men simply kicked through the glass, cops said.

That’s when the intruders brandished a handgun and demanded not cash, not jewelry or other valuables, but the cat!

The kitty in question must have been spooked by all the commotion because the frustrated robbers left empty-handed after a few minutes of fruitless searching. They hopped into a blue BMW and sped off, the victims told police.

Cops didn’t offer any description or breed information about the feline, describing it simply as a “high dollar value cat.”

It’s not uncommon for prized breed cats to command $5,000 from prospective buyers, and some breeds like the “exotic” Savannah cat can sell for as much as $20,000.

bengal cat on white background — Bengal cats like the one above are favorite targets of thieves. Credit: jerry u6770/Pexels

While it’s unusual for someone to break into a home and demand a cat at gunpoint, in the middle of the day no less, cat theft is actually a thing.

Thieves most frequently go after Bengals, Savannahs, Maine Coons, Ragdolls and other breeds that can make them a quick buck by selling them to unsuspecting buyers. Surprisingly domestic shorthairs are on several lists of most commonly stolen cats, but a vet tech tells Reader’s Digest that moggies make the list simply because there are so many of them.

Part of the problem is that the penalties for stealing cats aren’t prohibitive. Most states either treat cats and dogs as property that can simply be replaced, or classify theft of pets in archaic agriculture and markets laws, which were designed to deal with disputes over livestock and farm animals, not pets.

Advocates in some countries, like the UK, are pushing legislation that would make stealing a pet a criminal offense with much harsher penalties.

In Sunday’s attempted robbery, police found the BMW abandoned in Hamden, a town about 10 miles north of East Hampton. They’re still looking into the unsuccessful caper, telling local media that the attempt was planned, not a crime of opportunity or a random event.

Still, if you have a “high dollar value cat,” it’s worth taking some precautions. Here at Casa de Buddy we’ve installed a feline version of a panic room: a panic box! Reinforced with heavy shipping tape, the thick corrugated cardboard is sure to keep bad guys out while also remaining roomy, yet paradoxically snug.

buddybox2 — “Yes, this will do nicely, human.”

Trimming Cat Claws Still Sucks

The promise of a revolutionary new method of claw trimming is all hype, sadly.

I was hyped when I saw the headline.

“Cat Owners Rejoice,” the Newsweek headline blares. “Science Can Make Trimming Claws Less Stressful.”

Well if cat owners are rejoicing, it’s gotta be amazing, yeah?

I imagined cat affionados feting the creator of some miraculous new device that keeps cats comfortably restrained and relaxed, or maybe celebrating the discovery of some previously-unknown sound frequency that lulls felines into such a state of carefree bliss that they purr contentedly while we carefully clip their claws.

What I didn’t expect was a “protocol” that amounts to: Touch your cat’s leg. If he doesn’t try to murder you, touch your cat’s paw. If he still doesn’t murder you, trim a single claw. Repeat steps the next time your cat is in an agreeable mood.

That’s it. That’s the revolutionary new method that “science” made for us, according to Newsweek. “Science” must be proud of itself!

With this wonderful new method I should be able to trim one of Bud’s paws by 2067.

Obviously this is not science. It’s a method, not research. It’s well-intentioned and designed to keep cats comfortable, and those are noble goals, but calling it “science” is misleading, just like every other dumb headline that asserts “science says” or something is true “according to science,” as if science is an omniscient entity lounging on pillows, being fed candied figs by worshipful attendants and occasionally dispensing little nuggets of wisdom for our tiny little brains to absorb.

“The designated hitter rule shall henceforth be abolished,” Science says betwixt pulls from a hookah. “Fifty years of conclusive OPS plus FIP and OAVG data dictate it must be so.”

Come to think of it, that probably is what most Americans think science is. The other half think it’s Anthony “I Am Soyence” Fauci.

Where were we? Ah yes, cat claws!

The truth is I’ve give up on trimming Bud’s claws. If I notice a really long one I’ll try to trim it, but otherwise I leave the job to him and his 4-foot scratching post.

Maybe that makes me a bad caretaker, but I challenge anyone who’d stick me with that label to try trimming Buddy’s claws.

The little dude goes from chill and relaxed to demonic in a millisecond. He yowls, he thrashes, he flails with claws out and tries to bite any flesh he can reach, no matter how careful I am to try at the “right” time, how gentle I handle him, how careful I am to avoid the quick.

Bribe him with treats? Hah! He will stop yowling and thrashing about with murderous intent just long enough to gobble down the yums, then return to being a whirlwind of claws and teeth without skipping a beat.

And you should hear him. It sounds like I’m torturing Elmo, for crying out loud.

Thankfully he doesn’t hold a grudge and if I give up on trimming, he’ll be ready to plop down into my lap within minutes.

It’s generally understood that all that ghastly claw trimming nonsense is behind us, and we shall speak no more of it.

Speaking of ghastly business, the below video started auto-playing while I was on the throne and filling the idle time by searching for cat-related news:

@laurenkimripley
We love him #orangecat #catsoftiktok #orangecatbehavior #orangecatsoftiktok #orangekitten
♬ Hey Birdie.. Take care of you birdie – Manal

Bud, who had accompanied me to the human litter box chamber, looked alarmed and disturbed.

I laughed.

“See? You could have gotten stuck with someone who baby talked you, and then you wouldn’t need claw trimming as an excuse to kill humans.”

Now I know exactly what to do to herd him into the bedroom next time I need to vacuum.

“It’s okay, birdie! I’m gonna take care of you, birdie! Okay?!”

Ah, welcome to Casa de Buddy, home of two assholes!