Tag: Buddy the Cat

Felines Blast Humans For Cultural Appropriation: ‘You Can’t Identify As A Cat!’

“Will you humans please stop trying to be cats? If you take our napping spots, we’re going to be very angry.”

NEW YORK — Responding to the increasingly common phenomena of humans claiming they “identify as cats,” the country’s felines blasted the offenders on Tuesday for “stealing from a culture that isn’t theirs.”

The angry cats hastily organized a press conference, then had a short nap before addressing a group of about 50 reporters from news agencies across the world.

“It’s come to our attention that certain humans have been meowing, lapping water from bowls and even doing their business in litter boxes instead of toilets,” said Chonkmatic the Magnificent, King of North American cats. “While they say imitation is the most sincere form of flattery, we’re concerned that these humans are essentially cosplaying as felines and remain ignorant of our traditions. After all, things like the Ritual of 3 a.m. Zooms and the Making of Biscuits have a long and storied cultural history, and are sacred to our kind. We sing the Song of Our People and rocket around the house like pinballs at ungodly hours in tribute to our ancestors.”

While some stories — such as high schools allegedly accommodating “cat-identified” students by placing litter boxes in student bathrooms — have turned out to be hoaxes, there is a growing movement of self-described “catgender” people who use pronouns like “mew/purr” and “nya/nyan.” The latter is based on the onomatopoeic word for “meow” in Japanese.

For example, a sentence referencing a catgender-identified person might look like this: “Nyan wasn’t feeling well and decided to take one of nya’s sick days.”

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An “inclusive catgender flag” that represents catboys, catgirls, demicats, pancats, meowgender, mewgender, emo catgender, catsexuals and others who “strongly identify with felines or feline characteristics.”

Catgender falls under the larger umbrella of xenogender, according to people who keep track of these things, and is not the same as “cat sexual,” which presumably involves attraction to cats. (This reporter, afraid of what he might find, refrained from investigating that particular identity.)

While it may be tempting to wave off the idea of xenogender, catgender and associated identities like kittengender as the mad rants of Extremely Online People who populate sites like Tumblr, concepts like xenogender and neopronouns have already gained more than a foothold in the real world, with institutions of higher education like the UK’s University of Bristol ordering employees to acknowledge and use exotic neopronouns and their associated identities.

A person who identifies as a rabbit, for example, might use the pronouns “bun/bunself,” while a person who identifies as a vampire may use “vamp/vampself,” according to the New York Times.

identifycat
Abigail of Greenville, NC, says she identifies as a cat. Her boyfriend dispenses treats for her and calls her a “good girl.” Credit: Barcroft TV

Regardless, felines aren’t sold on the idea of species fluidity. They point out humans are “terrible groomers,” utterly hopeless at speaking tail and whisker, cursed with dead noses, and partial to “disgusting food” including fruits and vegetables.

“A real cat wouldn’t eat broccoli or oranges even if they were wrapped in a deliciously crispy crust of deep-fried turkey,” King Chonkmatic said matter-of-factly.

American cats said they are concerned that if the so-called cat identity catches on, confused humans may begin to compete with them for prime napping spots, treats, affection and even catnip.

The latter plant carries particular significance in feline culture, and cats aren’t pleased that it’s been commodified by humans and sold alongside Jimi Hendrix posters and lava lamps in head shops.

“Catnip is a ceremonial and spiritual plant reserved only for the most solemn of felid rituals,” said the Very Rev. Mr. Fuzzypants, a 9-year-old ragdoll who serves as president of the National Association for Responsible Catnip Consumption (NARCC). “Humans who are ignorant regarding its religious importance think it’s merely a recreational substance that inspires silly behavior, and frankly that’s offensive.”

Felines said they were incensed with generations Y and Z for co-opting their sleeping habits.

“Millennials and their younger cohort say they’re always tired and they’re constantly taking naps to seem more cat-like,” said Buddy the Cat, former President of the Americats. “But as we know, naps have a long and profound history among our people, who are so devoted to sleep that we enjoy up to 16 hours of it per day.

“Napping is deeply ingrained in our culture, and shouldn’t be a fashion statement for teenagers who want to seem ‘cool’ by being lazy and apathetic. Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s time for my seventh nap.”

chonkmatic
Chonkmatic the Magnificent, King of All North American Cats, is not pleased with human encroachment on feline culture.

Get Your Buddy Down At The Shelter!

There’s Buddy, and then there are Buddies. All are valid members of the Buddesian breed.

The following is a Very Important Message from Buddy the Cat:

Hi, readers!

I’m going to share a story with you, and it may shock you to your core, but I promise it’s true and it’s a good thing.

You see, as handsome, meowscular, singular, charming, delightful, smart, full of personality and meowscular as I am (did I already say that?), I’m what the British call a moggie. A feline of no particular breed. A “standard issue cat.”

“But Buddy,” you’re thinking. “That’s impossible! How could such an awesome cat as you be a ‘plain old’ moggie?”

Well, I am. That’s why I invented the Buddinese breed, to make myself seem more exotic. But the truth is, Big Buddy adopted me, and my effortless charm and huge personality are a combination of genetics and growing up in an environment where I was doted on, played with, socialized, exposed to lots of different people and places, and just as importantly, given delicious, quality yums to eat.

The reason I’m telling you all this is that you don’t need to spend $5,000 on a Bengal or $20,000 on a Savannah to have an awesome cat. You should be slapped and sterilized if you give that much money to a breeder, let alone when there are so many kitties who need homes.

What I’m trying to say is that, as Adopt A Cat Month comes to a close, your local shelter has its own Buddies waiting for you. Go meet them!

They might not seem like Buddies. They might be depressed that their owners surrendered them, shocked that they’re in a shelter, and muted from spending 90 percent of their time in tiny enclosures. But they are Buddies, I assure you, and if you give them a chance to flourish like Big Buddy did for me, they’ll reveal themselves as the awesome little buddies they are.

Buddy the Buddy
I’m unique and special, but so are the shelter cats!

They just need a home, a human or two who will care about them, and a little love. Oh, and toys. Lots of toys. And turkey. Some of them may prefer other types of food, and they’re wrong about that because turkey is the best, but if they like lesser foods like chicken, salmon or beef, well, give it to them!

Once your Buddies realize they are in their forever homes and they aren’t going back to the shelter, things will revert to the Natural Order™, your cat will come to expect excellent service, and you will be designated as an official servant to a member of felinekind, which is the highest honor a human could hope for.

So go on! Get your Buddy! He’s waiting for you, and you’ll make every bit of difference in his life.

Your friend,

Buddy

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Guess Who Attacked His Cat Sitter? (Again)

Pretty soon no one will want to watch the little guy. 😦

I’ve been in Washington, D.C. the last few days and have left Buddy in the care of his long-time sitter, a friend who has known him since he was a kitten.

You may recall I wrote about howhe attacked her back in the summer of 2020, but she’s such a nice person that she continued to look after him, including during my trip to the Outer Banks earlier this year and my current absence.

If she won’t care for Buddy in the future, I can’t blame her. Bud attacked her this time for the unspeakable crime of…playing with him! (She’s had several cats of her own, so it’s not like she doesn’t know how to interact with a feline.)

I fear I am going to have to hire men armed with tactical gear and ballistic shields, who will breach the apartment, refill Bud’s bowls under the protection of a phalanx of shields, and then make careful egress without taking their eyes off him.

Either that or board him, which probably won’t go well.

Ah well. I’ll see him tomorrow. He’ll probably run to the door to greet me and rub up against me, then remember he’s supposed to be mad at me. He’ll give me a dismissive “Hrrrrrrmmmmph!” and pad off to ignore me for as long as he can before returning to his normal behavior.

Got A Rat Problem? Get A Cat To…Befriend It And Groom It?

If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em?

Cats and humans began their grand partnership some 10,000 years ago, when kitties handled humans’ pesky rodent problem and people repaid the felines with food, shelter and companionship.

Now the deal’s off, apparently.

Yesterday a Reddit user shared a video titled “When you get a cat hoping it will help you get rid of the big rat in your yard.”

The video shows the user’s new cat, a tortoiseshell/calico, “solving” the rat problem by befriending the rodent, playing with it and even grooming it.

The video has amassed almost 86,000 upvotes in 24 hours.

The odd friendship between feline and rodent is not without precedent. Studies have shown that cats are not effective rodent hunters in urban settings where rats have gone unchallenged for so long that they rival or exceed the size of most members of Felis catus.

In certain neighborhoods of New York City, for example, researchers observed cats essentially ignoring massive rats and in some cases eating trash side by side with them. The largest rats, apparently aware of the truce, are equally unconcerned by the presence of the cats. Other rats were more cautious around kitties.

The scene reminded me of the time my brother wanted me to bring Bud over to handle his rat problem. At the time he was living on 88th St. in Manhattan, less than a block from Gracie Mansion. His apartment had an unusual perk for Manhattan living — it was a spacious ground floor flat that opened up into a private, fenced-in backyard with grass and a few trees.

Mighty Bud
Tremble before him! Buddy the Mighty Slayer of Rodents!

In fact, it was one of the first places I took Buddy after adopting him. He was just a kitten, maybe 14 weeks old, and I brought him with me on a warm summer day when my brother had a few friends over for a barbecue.

Buddy made fast friends with my brother’s Chihuahua-terrier mix, Cosmo, and spent the day playing with his doggie cousin, frolicking in the grass and chasing bugs around the yard. Then he got a treat: Steak from the grill, chopped into tiny Buddy-size pieces.

Having a backyard in Manhattan was awesome, but there was a downside. At night the yard was like a stretch of highway for marauding rats who ran across it in numbers with impunity, probably en route to raiding the garbage bins of a bodega on the corner of 88th. The rats were so emboldened and so numerous, you could hear them scurrying across the yard at night.

My brother proposed bringing Buddy over and letting him loose in the yard after dark, letting his claws and predatorial instincts thin the rodential herd.

I declined, using the excuse that Bud could pick up diseases from going to war with the rats. That was true, but I’m sure it wouldn’t have come to that: At the first sign of those rats, Buddy would have run screaming!

(We don’t acknowledge that around him, of course. Officially, Buddy was not set loose upon the Manhattan rats because it would be grossly unfair to unleash such a meowscular, brave and battle-hardened feline warrior upon them.)

It’s one thing if Buddy won’t kill rats. He’s a wimp. But as the Reddit video illustrates, we are apparently closing the chapter on 10,000 glorious years of human-feline partnership, and officially entering the Era of Zero Reciprocity.

We do everything for our cats, and in return they nap, eat and allow us to serve them. From their point of view, it’s a fine deal.

Meowscular Buddy!
Just look at those meowscular guns and vicious claws!

Critics Rave: The Great Buddini Is ‘An Unrivaled Master of Sleight of Paw’

Buddy finds success as a magician who makes all manner of delicious foods disappear.

NEW YORK — A thousand people are engaged in lively chatter inside the 42nd St. Illusionist Theatre when a tiny figure appears at the periphery of the stage and a hush falls over the crowd.

The lights dim and a drum roll echoes up from the orchestra pit.

“Is it him?” a man in the balcony asks.

“It’s him! It’s him!” a woman seated near the front answers, waving her handkerchief. “The Great Buddini!”

The crowd erupts into rapturous applause and the orchestra plays an excitingly mysterious tune as the Great Buddini pads across the stage, illuminated by a green spotlight.

“Thank you! Thank you!” the tuxedoed feline says, doffing his top hat. He touches a paw to his heart. “You’re too kind! Thank you!”

A whimsical melody drifts up from the pit and the Great Buddini produces a bag of Blue Buffalo Bursts from a pocket in his tuxedo. He presents it to the crowd, turns it over and tears it open theatrically.

“For my first trick, I’m going to make these Bursts disappear,” Buddini says, tossing the treats into the air and gobbling them all in quick succession.

The crowd loves it. Women clap, men stomp their feet and enthusiasts near the back whistle in appreciation.

The Great Buddini
An advertisement for one of The Great Buddini’s shows.

“For my next trick,” Buddini says, “I’m going to make this entire turkey disappear!”

Two calicoes in bedazzled gowns emerge from behind the curtain, pushing a cart with a large turkey on top of it. They turn the cart 360 degrees, lift the black table cloth so the audience can see there are no hidden compartments, and stop just before the Great Buddini launches himself at the turkey and consumes it like an insane Pac Man, wolfing the entire bird down in less than eight seconds.

A drum roll begins anew, the Great Buddini turns, bows with a flourish and issues a massive belch that reverberates around the hall. Once again the theater shakes with the roaring approval of the crowd.

“He’s a genius!” a woman yells out later as Buddini, balanced on stilts, makes pieces of cheese vanish into his mouth. “He’s mad! He’s mad!”

The Great Buddini’s show, in which the famed magician makes 17 different kinds of food disappear, has been sold out for more than three weeks running since he arrived in New York.

A review in the New York Times called Buddini “an unrivaled master of sleight of paw” and noted kittens from as far away as Delaware were arriving in New York, hoping to apprentice for the master feline. The New York Evening News was equally flattering, writing that the Great Buddini “blurs the line between ho-hum magic and astonishing feats that border on the supernatural.”

Among the few negative reviews was a scathing piece in the New York Post, which chided enthusiasts for “falling for” Buddini’s “obviously mundane tricks.”

“He’s not ‘making the food disappear,’ he’s just eating it!” the Post’s critic seethed. “Am I going crazy? I can’t be the only one to notice this. People are paying to watch a chubby cat pig out on snacks on a stage. What has the world come to?”