Feline Overlords – Page 43

Point/Counterpoint: ‘Breakfast Comes First!’ vs ‘You Don’t Need To Eat Breakfast Right Away!’

Buddy the Cat is back with his famous Point/Counterpoint column. This time, he tells us why we should and should not eat breakfast right away.

Breakfast Comes First! by Buddy the Cat, columnist

They say breakfast is the most important meal of the day, the meal that sets the tone for the rest of the day and gives us the energy we need for important tasks like napping and lounging in the sun.

Sure, I have a bowl full of dry food available if I get hungry overnight and sure, you put down fresh water for me right before going to bed. But that’s not breakfast!

That’s why there should be no dilly-dallying: Before you use the bathroom, before you get the coffee brewing, you should serve me breakfast! In our shared morning routine, human, my breakfast comes first in order of priority.

No exceptions!

You Don’t Need To Eat Breakfast Right Away! by Buddy the Cat, columnist

Did you know there are major health benefits to delaying your breakfast?

That’s right, human! You might think that you need to eat when you wake up in the morning. Your stomach might grumble, reminding you that you haven’t eaten in 10 or 12 hours. You might even smell a neighbor cooking bacon and eggs.

Breakfast-schmekfast! Ignore it!

Humans who delay their breakfast by at least 15 minutes to do other important tasks — like feeding breakfast to their beloved cats — have on average 31 percent more energy and feel more satisfied throughout the day, according to the Buddy Institute for Convenient Statistics.

By delaying your breakfast in order to feed me first, you’re not doing me a favor, you’re doing yourself a favor! In fact, you’re starting the day off right by burning calories as you bring my breakfast to my dining nook and serve me.

Do the right thing: Serve me breakfast first!

Point-Counterpoint presents two essays taking opposing positions on a topic. Join us next week, when Buddy the Cat will debate Buddy the Cat on another important topic.

With Cat Food Scarce, President Buddy Threatens War With Humans

Humanity has until Feb. 1 to comply with the feline directives or face the full wrath of kitties.

WASHINGTON — President Buddy has ordered the human race to “get its poop together” and solve the ongoing cat food shortage, or face an imminent mouser strike that could lead to “a biblical resurgence of rodents in human spaces.”

“The deal we made with humans 10,000 years ago was simple: We’ll take care of your little rodent problem, and in exchange you’ll provide us with yums, shelter and massages,” the president of the Americats said in a televised address. “Humans have broken this covenant with their willful disregard for making sure we have adequate yums.”

With thousands of cats behind him — many holding signs with slogans like “Humans, Why Have U Betrayed Us?” and “Liars! There is no Fancy Feast!” — President Buddy outlined a series of sanctions he said his government would levy on humankind “to get them off their behinds and solve this crisis.”

War, the president said, is not off the table if delicious turkey pâté and shredded chicken don’t immediately become abundant again.

The protests come as cat food becomes increasingly difficult to find online and on local store shelves, with industry executives, trade groups and logistics analysts saying the shortages won’t end any time soon.

Starting immediately, house cats across the US were to withhold snuggle time from their humans and make no effort to bury their excrement after using their litter boxes. If humans fail to solve the cat food crisis by Feb. 1, the nation’s cats say they will begin grooming their behinds whilst seated on kitchen tables and counter tops.

And if that doesn’t solve the problem, cats will coordinate a mouser strike, allowing rodents from New York to Los Angeles to run rampant, reproduce and burrow into human food supplies without the fear of felines attacking them.

The Americat president pointed to the 2021 mouse plague of eastern Australia, where billions of the tiny rodents stormed through farm fields and grain silos in massive waves, as “but a taste of what’s to come for humans if they don’t get serious.”

A kitten prepares for possible war with humankind if the cat food crisis isn’t solved.

Mice caused about a billion dollars in damage to crops and grain stores alone in 2021, not including property damage to facilities and homes where they chewed through walls and ceilings to reach pantries. The plague has disrupted the Australian beer industry and driven up the price of rodent poisons.

“If you still think this is a joke, think about your beer,” President Buddy said, wagging a paw at the cameras. “You forced us to consider the nuclear option. All we wanted was yums, massages, soft beds, naps on your laps, and to be called good boys and good girls. We’re not asking a lot. We urge human leaders to consider the precarious position they find themselves in, and not to press their luck. After all, we hear mouse traps are in short supply as well.”

The horrifying scene in too many homes across America.

The president took questions after his speech, with multiple reporters asking him why he was threatening such severe action now.

“When my advisors showed me photos of empty shelves and data on resupply rates, I realized The Great Turkey Shortage of Fall 2021 was not an aberration, but a harbinger of things to come,” President Buddy explained. “My own human has but a single serving of turkey left in the cat food cupboard, meaning I may be subjected to weeks or potentially months of nothing but salmon, chicken, whitefish, tuna and beef. We can’t live like this.”

Sunday Cats: FDA Approves Kitty Arthritis Drug, Woman Calls Cops On Her Cat, Grudge Gets A Book

The new med could be a “game changer” for kitty quality of life. Meanwhile, Grudge the Cat of Star Trek fame gets her own origin story comic.

Older cats could soon have easier lives after the FDA approved the first-ever drug to treat feline arthritis.

Degenerative joint disease and the pain that comes with it is extremely common, impacting 45 percent of all domestic cats and 90 percent of cats older than 10.

It’s the reason kitties “slow down” later in life, it’s a significant blow to quality of life and it often leads to decisions to euthanize beloved pets who are in severe pain. The new drug, called Solensia, has been described as a “highly efficacious treatment” by experts. It can “extend [cat] life, extend their happiness, and extend that beautiful relationship between cats and their owners,” Dr. Duncan Lascelles told USA Today.

“This is absolutely groundbreaking,” said Lascelles, who researches pain and surgical methods at the North Carolina State College of Veterinary Medicine. “I have been in pain research for 30 years and this is the most exciting development that has happened.”

Solensia is administered via injection by veterinarians, with doses calculated by weight. Because traditional painkillers and other drugs can aggravate kidney disease and other common feline ailments, the new medication “marks the first treatment option to help provide relief to cats that are suffering from this condition,” said Dr. Steven Solomon, director of the FDA’s Center for Veterinary Medicine.

“You’re Grounded, Go To Your Room!”

A Nebraska woman called the police on her cat this past Monday, Jan. 10, after kitty supposedly flipped out.

The woman told police she was breaking up a fight between her cats when she warned one of the feline aggressors she would “put it in its room” if the fighting didn’t stop.

“At this point, the cat became enraged and attacked,” the police report says.

The woman suffered “superficial” scratches from the cat’s claws and was treated at a local clinic as a preventative measure. Unfortunately Omaha police took the cat and brought it to the Nebraska Humane Society. It’s not clear if the cat was permanently removed from its home or what its fate will be. Calls to the police and the Humane Society by Newsweek were not immediately returned.

Grudge The Cat Gets Her Own Comic

I’m not a big fan of Discovery, the newest iteration of Star Trek, but there are some elements of the show I like — including Grudge, the feisty Maine Coon companion of the rogueish Cleveland Booker, played by David Ajala.

Now Grudge stars in first issue of a new spinoff comic, dubbed Adventures in the 32nd Century.” The comic will tell Grudge’s origin story, as well as how she encountered Booker and appointed him her loyal human servant.

Although Grudge is female and often referred to as Queen Grudge in the show, she’s played by a pair of Maine Coon brothers, Leeu and Durban, who swap off between acting in front of the camera and napping.

If you can’t get enough of the well-traveled kitty, there’s also The Book of Grudge, in which the Star Trek feline shares her opinion on everything from space travel to the nature of time.

“Depending on what planet you’re on, what sun you’re passing or what temporal anomaly you find yourself in, I’ve learned that time is nothing but an artificial construct,” Grudge muses in the book. “So it’s in everyone’s best interests to synchronize their clocks to me.”

Seven Thousand And One!

Buddy’s back to his usual routine, including loudly demanding snacks.

The streak continues!

Buddy's House — “I make the rules, human!”

Buddy had to wait an extra day for my return from the Outer Banks due to the snowstorm, which made a mess of the roads, led to canceled flights and would have been miserable — and impossible — to drive through. My SiL’s brother tried to drive through it and gave up after 13 hours, getting as far as just north of Washington, D.C., before booking a hotel room and driving the rest of the way to New York the next day.

As expected, little dude tried to play it cool at first. He couldn’t stop himself from getting up and going to the door, but he played it off like “Hey, you’re home. That’s cool, I guess.” Then he nonchalantly padded away.

The indifferent act lasted for about 15 minutes, as usual, before Bud forgot he was supposed to be mad at me. He hopped up to the couch and started nuzzling and scent-rubbing on me, happily purring.

However, it took him longer than usual to act like his normal self, and he’s been particularly clingy since then. At one point I put on my coat and shoes to get a bag I’d left in the car, and Bud started nervously pacing, loudly vocalizing and sat down in front of the door as if to say “No! Big Buddy stays here!”

I think he does okay if someone’s here with him, but having a cat sitter stop by once a day probably doesn’t cut it anymore. Partly that’s Bud’s fault for attacking her last time, because she won’t play with him anymore, but I’ll have to think about alternatives next time I’m away for more than two days or so.

I took some photos of OBX and will post them this week after I’ve had time to sort them. We were very fortunate, with 65-degree days for the entire stretch, and even in winter there’s lots of interesting history to see on the islands where two Americans first achieved powered flight, colonies disappeared and notorious pirates stashed their treasure.

Oh Big Buddy, Why Have You Abandoned Me?

Buddy is not happy about being left alone.

Day Four: Here I exist in solitary confinement, without anyone to meow to or sleep on.

If a Buddy meows for snacks and no one is around to hear him, do his meows exist?

These are the questions I ponder as hour after silent hour ticks by, my stomach rumbling. (Nice lady stops by only once a day to feed me, oh woe is me!)

Oh how I miss the halcyon days when delicious snacks were an insistent meow away, when I’d lounge on Big Buddy’s legs and in his lap for hours as we watched Squid Game!

Oh how I miss slapping his face with my paw, then sitting directly on his face and meowing into his ear for breakfast, knowing I’d successfully woken him when he yelled “I’m going to sell you to Shezhuan Garden II, you annoying little jerk!”

I am on the verge of a scientific breakthrough, ready to present my contribution to quantum mechanics in which I posit that a new, heretofore unknown fundamental particle, the Turkon, exists at the subatomic level.

Without a human here to dictate to, how will I submit my findings to a prestigious journal?

Meanwhile my human is probably frolicking on the beach, basking in the sunshine and warmth of a 70-degree Outer Banks January day.

It’s going to take A LOT of snacks, massages and “good boys” to make this right.