Feline Ingenuity – Page 23

Titanic With A Cat!?

OwlKitty is back and this time she’s sliding into Leonardo DiCaprio’s DMs.

The last time I saw Titanic was in a movie theater 25 years ago when the film was just released, its theme song was befouling airwaves and its director, James Cameron, was playing at deep sea explorer in the Mariana Trench. (Cameron would return for an expedition more than a decade later, matching the depth of a science team who made the dive decades earlier, but doing it solo. His interest had been sparked by the work he did on Titanic.)

I remember feeling restless as the movie dragged out, then incredulous as women and girls all around me sniffled, dabbed at their eyes with tissues and even sobbed! Teenage Big Buddy could not comprehend it.

But this version of Titanic? It’s more my speed, coming in at an economical 1:07 running time and featuringOwlKitty in place of Kate Winslet:

As you can see, Winslet isn’t entirely gone from this cut. She just plays second fiddle to OwlKitty, Leonardo DiCaprio’s first love.

Who’s the Queen of the World now?

Want more OwlKitty? Check out her star turn in Jurassic Park, where she replaced the T-Rex and rampaged around the doomed island looking got catnip and treats.

Point/Counterpoint: ‘Get Away From My Litterbox, I Need Privacy!’ vs ‘How Dare You Use The Bathroom Without Me?’

Buddy the Cat debates Buddy the Cat

Get Away From My Litterbox, I Need Privacy!

Dude. Put the top back on my litterbox and go away! I have some excrementory functions to attend to and you know I don’t like you hovering in the vicinity while I’m taking care of business.

I’m serious! Get out!

How would you like it if I could hear you straining over the sand or burying your biz? I can’t even go number one unless I know I’m by myself! You need to make like a tree and go into another room or I’m gonna make this whole place my personal litter box. Go on! Shoo!

Do they not teach basic manners to humans anymore?

How Dare You Use The Bathroom Without Me?

Dude. I’m hurt. Betrayed. I can’t believe you went to the bathroom without me and I had to stand outside, crying and scratching the door for 30 seconds until you let me in.

You know this is a group activity. It always has been. You sit on the throne and I watch you, occasionally interjecting with a meow.

Oh, privacy schmivacy! You poop, I poop, we all poop. What’s a little poop between friends?

No! Put down the newspaper! Put down the phone! You’re being rude. Hasn’t anyone ever told you not to bury your face in your phone while you’re at the dinner table or on the toilet? It’s antisocial. Now I have yet to hear a good explanation for why you went in here without me in the first place … Do we need to have another talk about closed doors again?

Point-Counterpoint presents two essays taking opposing positions on a topic. Join us next week, when Buddy the Cat will debate Buddy the Cat on another important topic.

Point/Counterpoint: ‘Ambushing Is Fun And Awesome!’ vs ‘Don’t Ambush, It’s Not Cool!’

Buddy the Cat argues that ambushing is totally awesome when cats do it to humans, but rude and uncalled for when humans do it to cats.

‘Ambushing Is Fun and Awesome!’ by Buddy the Cat, guest columnist

Ambushing is not only a super fun activity, it’s a great way for cat and human to bond! When I come screaming out of the shadows at 2 a.m. to startle you during your sleep-fogged walk to the bathroom, it’s an expression of love.

I’m saying: “I love you, human! That’s why I’m playing with you!”

And if you think about it, I’m actually doing you a favor by startling you and making you more alert. You never know when a burglar or a chalupacabra might be in the house, so I’m really providing a valuable service!

Do we ambush people we don’t love? Of course not. Only you get the privilege of being woken up at 5 a.m. by a cat belly flopping onto your chest, ripping you out of your comfortable dreams. I wouldn’t dream of launching myself at someone else’s head while they’re watching TV or tripping a stranger by appearing out of nowhere and weaving between their legs.

It’s an expression of affection! Think of it like a slow eye blink or the equivalent of purring and nuzzling your cheek.

Ambushing is love!

‘Don’t Ambush, It’s NOT Cool!’ by Buddy the Cat, guest columnist

There I was sleeping peacefully on the couch, getting my 12th hour of beauty rest in when you plopped down next to me and scared the hell out of me.

That’s an ambush! That’s not cool!

For all their talk of being the ‘smart’ species, humans are remarkably inconsiderate of others and really think nothing of startling us poor cats.

Like the times you get up suddenly when you know we’re sleeping in your lap. We startle easily. Doing that to us is cruel! Besides, if you’ve managed to hold it in for two hours while we nap, what’s a third hour between friends?

Dropping items on the table without announcing your intentions first, yelling “Boo!”, making sudden noises or sudden movements, moving furniture: That sort of behavior is rude and uncalled for. Is it too much to ask that you announce your intentions beforehand, then move slowly and deliberately?

Just consult with us before you do anything at all. That’s all we’re asking.

Point-Counterpoint presents two essays taking opposing positions on a topic. Join us next week, when Buddy the Cat will debate Buddy the Cat on another important topic.

Russian Woman’s Maine Coon Is The Size Of A Lynx

Maine Coon Kefir looks like he could eat three Buddies for breakfast.

It’s not easy having a huge cat.

As readers of PITB know, I have first-hand experience with taking care of a massive beast of a cat, with Buddy weighing in at a jaw-dropping 10 pounds, most of it pure meowscle of course.

That means I can sympathize with Russian one-percenter Yulia Minina, who bought a Maine Coon kitten less than two years ago only to see him balloon into an almost 30-pound behemoth — and he’s still growing!

Visitors often mistake Kefir for a large dog at first, Minina said, but the Maine Coon is the kind of gentle giant typical of his species and acts more like “a very affectionate and modest child.”

“When friends and acquaintances come to the house, all the attention is on him and he willingly allows himself to be stroked,” Minina told the UK’s South West News Service.

Kefir the cat — The scary part? Kefir isn’t done growing. Credit: Yulia Minina/Instagram

While most cats are just about their full size after a year, Maine Coons can continue to grow until after their second birthdays. (There’s no evidence that they continue to grow until they’re 5 years old despite claims online, mostly from breeder sites.) That means Kefir, who already looks like a robust lynx, could end up challenging domestic cat size records if he enjoys another growth spurt.

Kefir is just starting to go viral within the past day or two, and as his Instagram follower count (7,288 as of this post) continues to tick up, so do the enquiries from people who want to buy the big guy.

“To everyone who wants to buy my cat, I answer: NOT FOR SALE!” Minina wrote in an Instagram post on Monday. “But I can give all the information about the breeder that many have asked! At the moment, 3 gorgeous snow-white blue eyes are available in the nursery age 1 month. I think you don’t need to praise their beautiful and big parents, you already know everything!”

No word yet if Minina gets a commission on successful referrals to the breeder.

In the meantime, Buddy can rest easy knowing that even if another cat rivals his huge and intimidating presence, he’s all the way in Stary Oskol, a safe 4,873 miles away.