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Thousands Crowd The Catican As Pope Buddy Delivers New Edict

Believers the world over look to His Holiness, Pope Buddy I, for guidance on matters spiritual and gastronomical.

ROME — Thousands of humans and felines crowded St. Bob’s Square on Monday, enduring steady rains and winds so they could witness the newest proclamation from the spiritual leader of all cats.

By late morning the crowd had swelled to an estimated 50,000 according to the Catican News Service. Many held up signs with messages for His Buddyness, while vendors hawked fried Temptations, beef pate tacos and turkey on a stick.

Finally a hush fell over the crowd as two members of the Swedish Guard emerged, opened the double cat flap to the papal balcony and took up positions on either side.

His Holiness himself appeared, resplendent in white vestments and a colorful stole as he waved to the crowd. Well-wishers cheered, whistled and clapped for several minutes before Buddy quieted them by holding up a paw.

“Hark, for the Seventy Second Buddesian Precept shall be revealed to us!” a herald exclaimed.

Buddy spread his paws, leaned into a microphone, and said: “That which can be swiped off of a flat surface must be swiped off of a flat surface.”

A marked silence hung over the crowd for several seconds as onlookers absorbed the wisdom of the cat’s words, then was replaced by a deafening cheer.

“Swipe! Swipe! Swipe!” thousands of felines chanted.

Buddy led the delegation in prayer — “In nomine Pawtris, et felis, et Spiritu Sancti” — then turned and walked back into the peowpal apartments where he planned to meet with prelates over capocollo, mortadella and prosciutto sandwiches with mozzarella and tomatoes.

Just hours after the spiritual leader’s brief remarks, Catolic commentators, theologians and the faithful were abuzz with speculation on the implications of His Holiness’ words.

An icon depicting one of Catolicism’s most celebrated saints, Pope Buddentine XVII. Not to be confused with Pope Buddentine IX, who granted indulgences to the very best chefs, Buddentine XVII was known for ReDelicification of high holidays, placing a firm emphasis where it belongs, on the Lord and all the wonderful foods he created.

The papal proclamation, though laconic in its presentation to the crowd at the Catican, shall be expanded upon and rendered in proper philosophical terms upon the release of Pope Buddy’s forthcoming encyclical, De Significatione Delectamenti, or “On The Significance of Deliciousness,” in which the pope is expected to expound on matters gastronomical as well as spiritual.

“Sandwiches have a special place in His Holiness’ heart, and so he is expected to implore the faithful to ponder the deliciousness of the holiday season,” said Archbishop Felinzio Napoli. “As we look forward to the holidays and celebrate the birth of Christ, let us not forget the meaning of the holiday, nor neglect the flavorful expectations of those who honor it. That means Christmas dinner must be delicious, if it wasn’t obvious.”

Buddy Updates His Dating Profile Pics

Buddy knows what the ladies want.

NEW YORK — Disappointed with the lack of responses to his dating profile, Buddy the Cat updated it on Sunday with “much more accurate and badass” photos of himself.

“These oughta do it,” the gray tabby cat said, laying back with his paws behind his head and his feet up after successfully updating his Meowr profile.

The dating app, which is exclusively for the use of felines, boasts more than 24 million users and saw an influx of new accounts registered over the weekend after a National Cat Day promotion.

A new and “more accurate” cover photo for Buddy’s dating profile on MEOWR.

Disregarding the advice of his human to “just be himself,” Buddy headlined his profile “Catdonis Seeks Super Hot Model Types.” Under a column titled “Describe yourself in a few words,” the model-seeking feline wrote: “Brave, handsome, meowscular, really really funny, an incredible dancer, and the 2023 National Competitive Table-Setting Champion.”

His human spat out his drink.

“Brave? Competitive table-setting champion? What the hell?” he asked, awe-struck.

Buddy rubbed a paw against his fur and matter-of-factly explained what his dumb human was unable to grasp.

“It’s designed to show my artsy and sensitive side,” he said. “Duh. This may come as a surprise to you, but the ladies like a cat who is in touch with his inner artist.”

Big Buddy shot his feline friend a derisive look.

“The only art you’ve made is in your litter box,” he said. “And it’s depressingly apocalyptic.”

Buddy snorted.

“We’ll see who gets the last laugh, human,” he said. “When I roll up to the club with Meowghan Fox or Jennifer Clawrence on my arm, you’ll be super jelly.”

As of Thursday Buddy had received no responses on his profile.

Buddy Unravels Astonishing Conspiracy During Ayahuasca Trip

“I see it now!” Buddy exclaimed. “Everything is connected, and we are everything! Who else is hungry?”

PERU — Three hours after ingesting ayahuasca brewed by a jaguar shaman — and two hours after jaguar scouts found him running around the jungle while screaming about extradimensional Teletubbies — Buddy the Cat had unraveled an astonishing conspiracy, sources reported.

The New York-based cat, who had long sought to ingratiate himself with various groups of big cats, usually with disastrous results, finally found kinship with the tolerant jaguars in 2021 when he ventured into the Amazon and impressed the jungle-dwelling felids with his extensive knowledge of novel napping techniques. He also introduced the jaguars to turkey, and in return for his contributions to the jaguar nation, the big cats granted him the jungle name Kinich Bajo, which means “tiny sun-eyed one” in the ancient Yucatec dialect.

jaguarbuddies — Buddy with Canguçu, one of his jaguar buddies.

Buddy returned to the Amazon in October of 2023 to “spend time with my homies” and participate in an ancient jaguar shamanistic ritual involving tea brewed from ayahuasca, the powerful psychedelic used in indigenous ceremonies.

Clearing a small grove in the Amazon rainforest and using rocks to represent people, places and ideas, Buddy was able to find indisputable connections between the Annunaki, the defunct Blockbuster chain of video rental stores and NFL linebacker Barkevious Mingo.

“But where does the Vatican fit in?” Buddy asked, resting his chin on his right paw thoughtfully. “Could it be that Barkevious Mingo is the true pope, and he was speaking ex cathedra when he said Havarti cheese is the food of the gods? Is catkind really ready to accept a divine proclamation on yums that excludes turkey and gouda?”

Buddy and Jaguars — An artist’s impression of Buddy and jaguar elder Yguakina in the Amazon, piecing together great mysteries.

A pair of jaguar minders exchanged worried glances as they approached the tabby cat from both sides.

“Come back to the campfire, Kinich Bajo,” said Xbalanque, the older of the two, using the name jaguar elders had bestowed on the silver tabby. “Your work here can wait.”

Buddy didn’t take his eyes off the complex diagram of rocks, vines and leaves he’d carefully assembled. “Not while I’m so close!”

Xbalanque shook his head. “Where is Elder Yguakina?”

Buddy sighed.

“I had to send him away! He’d become consumed with this ridiculous theory involving Ragnar Lothbrok, the 1973 Pittsburgh Pirates and the Webb telescope,” Buddy said. “I don’t have time for such nonsense!”

As of press time, the Jaguar Nation of Iquitos Amazonia said Buddy was on the verge of a great discovery and will not emerge from the jungle until he’s connected the dots or the psychedelic brew wears off, whichever comes first.

buddy_jaguars2 — Buddy with his jaguar buddies Xibalbá, left, and Ek B’alam.

Disses Fly At Feline Freestyle Federation’s Cat Fight 2023 Battle Rap Tournament

The annual tournament pitted more than 20 furry emcees against each other in a battle of rhymes and wit.

NEW YORK — Gripping the microphone in his paw, Panther the Pulverizer took aim at Buddy the Funky Feline and, when the beat dropped, launched into a blistering verse filled with punchlines about his opponent.

“You got no chance, so say sayonara,” the Pulverizer rhymed. “You’re so fat, cats thought you was a capybara!”

“My flow’s a gale, in a storm you’re supposed to bail. How you gonna carry weight when you broke the scale?” he rapped, drawing laughter from the crowd. “You’re known to fail, terrified with a bloated tail, so walk your ass home ’cause you won’t prevail!”

Rapping Felines — Hektah tha Headhunta, one half of duo Spliff an’ Wessin’, earned himself a quarterfinal berth with a raucous verse that dismantled Boss the Bocelot.

“Oh, snap!” one cat exclaimed and the all-feline crowd whooped and cheered as the Pulverizer continued his verbal assault.

The Pulverizer pressed forward, invading his opponent’s personal space as he fired the next salvo of punchlines.

“What’s wrong, lil’ Bud? Is it hard to diss us? You couldn’t move these cats if you farted citrus. Pardon it’s cause you’re avoiding this bout, knowing I’ll make you bounce like your primordial pouch.”

A collective “Dayum!” echoed throughout the crowd while the DJ doubled over with laughter. Meanwhile, Buddy sucked in his gut, suddenly self-conscious.

“My man got punchlines about primordial pouches, yo!” an approving member of the audience shouted, his tail swishing with excitement.

“Am I supposed to be intimidated? Hell no! You sound like a constipated Elmo. Truth is both my waistline and my raps are leaner,” he rhymed, gesturing toward Buddy. “While this cat runs screaming from a vacuum cleaner. Face it lil’ Bud, we ain’t rivals. You came here dead on arrival!”

The crowd roared for several seconds after the beat cut out as the Pulverizer basked in the audience’s approval.

Panther the Pulverizer, a kitty rapper from Astoria, Queens.

Buddy, dressed in oversized Tommy Hilfiger jeans, a bubble jacket and a Yankees cap turned sideways, took the mic for his turn and wasted no time launching into his retaliatory verse.

“My name’s Buddy, I’m ferocious in fights. Little known fact: also dope on the mic!” he rapped. “You’re a joke over-hyped, frozen with fright, lookin’ like a ghost you’re so white! It’s hopeless, allright? You’re a featherweight, I’m Mike Tyson tonight.”

“Get ’em, champ!” a supporter shouted from the crowd.

“You don’t have the balls to diss me, that’s truth in fact! I’m the real tom, you’re just a neutered cat. Your whole crew is wack, don’t even try to diss! Buddy’s a lion, you’re just a pride of wimps.”

The Pulverizer glowered as the crowd roared with laughter.

“I got fans across the world, it’s me they’re feeling, the only fans you got are spinning on your ceiling,” Buddy the Funky Feline rapped, waving a paw at the roof. “Buddy’s the illest, thats why I spit it hot. You’re full of shit like an unscooped litter box.”

“Damn! Damn, damn, damn!” host Meowthod Man of the Mew Tang Clan shouted, waving off the beat. “Let’s hear what the judges have to say!”

The judges called the battle 2-1 in favor of Buddy, granting him the split decision and sending him to the semifinals.

The Funky Feline is due to face Crouching Tiger, the highly favored big cat with a smoky voice and crisp flow. The winner of that bout will advance to the finals to battle the winner of the semifinal match pitting the Deft Leopard against MC Hektah the Headhunta.

Da Funky Feline — Buddy tha Funky Feline, also known as Snackmaster Flex, is known for his vivid lyricism about life in the ‘hood and exuberant rhymes about junk food.

Buddy the Funky Feline has been the target of criticism claiming that while he rhymes about “life in the hood” as a hardscrabble stray, he actually grew up as a pampered house cat in the suburbs. He seeks to burnish his street cred ahead of his new album, Chillmatic, which is expected to break record sales when it’s released later this month. It’s the first full-length release from the New York-based kitty rapper since 2020’s Got 2 Have Turkeys and his 2021 EP, Fowl Play.

While promoting the former record during a concert stop in Tokyo, Buddy’s tour bus was infamously overturned by a crowd of screaming female fans, who pelted the bus with bras and held signs professing their love for him.

His entry into the Cat Fight 2023 battle rap tournament is meant to signal that he’s more than just a prettyboy, with an appeal beyond his massive female fanbase.

“Buddy is so kawaii, we love him,” gushed Kei Kikuno, one of Bud’s many Japanese admirers. “I just want to pinch those little cheeks!”

Cat On The Street: What Do You Think Of Taylor Swift And Trevor Kelsey?

If humans are talking about it, surely cats care too, right?

Humans can’t stop talking about Taylor Swift showing up to cheer her rumored boyfriend Tristan Kenney’s Atlanta Braves as they took on the Chicago Bulls last weekend.

And it’s not just Swifties! The game’s announcers were naturally more interested in Tay Tay than the boring events on the field, with the cameras capturing every grin, grimace and shocked expression on the pop star’s face as the teams traded three-pointers and penalty kicks.

We asked cats: What do you think of Taylor and Terrence?

Creamy, 3

“How can one compare the savory crunch of Temptations to the silky texture of pâté? You cannot ask me to pick one, human.”

Chester, 9

“I saw the most curious thing through the front window yesterday: a dog no larger than kitten, wagging its tail furiously as it tried to free its head from a Beefaroni can.”