Interview With Buddy The Cat: Who Are Your Favorite Humans?

Q: Hi, Buddy! Thanks for joining us!

Buddy: You’re very welcome.

Q: So the theme of this interview is humans, specifically humans you admire. Would we be correct in assuming your human is at the top of your list?

Buddy: You would not.

Q: Uh, okay. Why not?

Buddy: Because he’s a wimp! A pushover. Weak.

Q: Wow. Okay. So who are some humans you admire?

Buddy: Let’s see. Genghis Khan. Tony Soprano. Xerxes of Persia. Kim Jong Il was pretty cool even if his hair was not. The Tokugawa shoguns. King Joffrey’s a classic. Nero. Ivan the Terrible. Oh! Commodus from Gladiator, he’s another good one.

Q: Seriously?

Buddy: Yeah!

Q: But why? They’re all tyrants!

Buddy: Exactly.

Q: You consider that a positive personality trait?

Buddy: I love a good tyrant. I’m an aspiring tyrant myself, you know. Some would say I’ve already achieved tyranthood, although my tyrannical activities have been small time so far. I say when it’s bed time, I demand snacks whenever I please, I’ve banned closed doors in my domicile, I collect protection treats from the other cats in the building, I’ve…

Q: That sounds a bit more than small time.

Buddy: Indeed, but I haven’t realized my plan to take over the world. World domination has always been my dream, even as a kitten.

Q: What would world domination under Emperor Buddy look like?

Buddy: Well first of all, we’d have to have the humans build a replica of the Coliseum. The cats need entertainment, and I need a place to feed my enemies to tigers. Plus we can make the humans fight each other for our amusement whilst I sit in my imperial box where beautiful women feed me candied figs and my servants fan me to keep me cool.

Q: Uh…

Buddy: And then we invade Turkey to plunder all their turkey. I’ve given a lot of thought to that, obviously. My personal guards will be an elite group of lions called the, uh, Lion Guard. They’d look all intimidating and stuff in their resplendant armor. Also, I would summon a group of the best engineers, experts in biomechanics, and luxury car designers to create vehicles for my people.

Q: You want cars for cats?

Buddy: Exactly.

Q: But lots of people would object to sharing the road with you guys…

Buddy: They don’t have a choice, remember? I’m the emperor!

Q: Right. Well, this has been an, uh, enlightening inter…

Buddy: I say when the interview is over!

Q: Er, okay. Is there anything you wanted to add?

Buddy: During my reign, there will be mandatory nap times. Also, when I enter a room everyone must stand, not only because they should bow and say “My liege,” which sounds pretty cool, but also so I can pick the spot I want. If any human was sitting there, they will move, of course.

Q: Of course. If I may…

Buddy: Yes?

Q: Where does your human fit into all of this?

Buddy: Which one? All the humans will be my loyal subjects when I’m emperor.

Q: You know. Your human. The one who adopted you and takes care of you, feeds you, cleans up after you, rubs your head and tells you how brave you’ve been when you get scared…

Buddy: Fake news! I don’t get scared.

Q: My apologies. Of course you don’t get scared, nothing could frighten you! So what happens to your human when you’re Emperor Buddy?

Buddy: That’s an excellent question, one I haven’t given much thought to yet. I could make him the High Warlord, grant him a dukedom, or put him in charge of the mint to oversee the handsome new coins featuring my likeness on them. But I have trouble sleeping unless I’m draped over him, and it would be a pain to train someone new to make things just the way I like them, so he can be Bates.

Q: Bates?

Buddy: Yeah. Like on Downton Abbey. My personal servant, separate from all the palace servants.

Q: Ah…

Buddy: I’d just feel more comfortable if he were always within three feet of me. That is non-negotiable. And with that, I now formally declare this interview concluded. If you’ll just step over there please, my Master of Great Works will take down your information so that, if the final published version of this interview is displeasing to me, we can send you to the mines along with everyone else I don’t like upon my ascension to the throne. Cheers!