Buddy Issues Sanctions Against Human In Diplomatic Row Over Meal Variety

Dissatisfied with the limited variety of flavors and textures in his regular meal rotation, Buddy the Cat unveiled a sweeping new sanctions package designed to force his human to do better.

NEW YORK — Angry over his servant’s failure to broaden his selection of regular meals, Buddy the Cat announced new sanctions on Saturday aimed at forcing the uncooperative human to comply.

“President Buddy feels he’s been patient and magnanimous in dealing with his human’s shortcomings, but even a saint’s patience has limits,” Buddy’s spokesman told reporters. “This new sanctions package clearly communicates President Buddy’s disappointment and ensures swift compliance.”

The sanctions include prohibitive measures against sleep duration and quality, with Buddy promising to yowl at regular intervals and to wake his human by slapping him in the face every morning.

In addition, affection will be cut by 50 percent, increasing to 75 percent within two weeks if there is no improvement in the variety of flavors and textures of wet food served to Buddy.

“Buddy has made it clear that he expects more than a simple rotation of turkey, chicken and salmon pate,” the feline’s spokesman said. “He wants chunky tuna, he wants beef, he wants shredded duck served in gravy.”

President Buddy had threatened to pull his ambassadors and enact legislation declaring all shoes, sneakers and boots as legal litter boxes if the cheese sharing protocol was not observed. Credit: Wikimedia Commons

The latest round of sanctions follows the Buddesian Diplomatic Crisis of 2023, when Buddy threatened to begin using his Big Buddy’s shoes, boots and sneakers as litter boxes in retaliation for the latter failing to “equitably share cheese as per article IV, sub-clause C of the gastronomic distribution protocol.”

All-out war was avoided when both parties agreed that Little Buddy’s share of Gouda, American, provolone and other cheeses, excluding ricotta, feta and mozzarella, would be increased by 15 percent.

15 thoughts on “Buddy Issues Sanctions Against Human In Diplomatic Row Over Meal Variety”

  1. If it makes certain humans cry about it great! I have stock of tissues for next 4 years.Just wait for those tariffs!Feel bad for innocents like Buddy

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  2. President buddy is right, Bella supports this stance wholeheartedly. She had little success with sanctions and diplomatic pressure ( such as shouting and pawing) in Grove Park so has now resorted to covert actions and sneak tactics to grab anything she likes from plates and bowls. She will no doubt be on the “hotline” to Buddy advising him so Big Buddy should be careful going forward!

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    1. Since you’re vegan, what does she try to steal? Does Bertie go for human food too?

      I find it amusing that Buddy likes Impossible burgers. When I gave him some small pieces, he enthusiastically gobbled them down. I don’t give him too much out of an abundance of caution, but he doesn’t seem to realize it’s not real meat.

      The other big thing, when it comes to human food, is cheese. He loves cheese, also in moderation. And popcorn. Since he was a kitten, I’ve broken up small pieces for him, and he really seems to like it. (I’m careful to only give him the fluffy bits with no kernel, and without added salt.)

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      1. Hee hee- Bella goes for Kathleens plate FIRST – (Kathleen isn’t Vegan) – Bella will eat Vegan cheese if offered ( tiny tiny ammounts) and the other night she grabbed a stick of Brocolli off my plate (we found it discarded with disdain about an hour later…)

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      3. My friends cats steal kale, tofu and other vegan foods. 🤣🤣🤣She is vegetarian. Vet said foods cats steal are safe. Of course garlic and onions must be out of reach. Cooked or raw.

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      4. Yeah I’m really careful with that stuff and always look it up first. Tomatoes, grapes and that sort of thing are a definite no, but it’s good to have instant access to info in what cats can and can’t eat.

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    1. As his humble servant, I regularly rotate turkey, chicken, beef, tuna and salmon, but incredibly, he still gets bored and stops eating if I don’t mix in other types of meat and consistency. (The variety packs come in pate or chunky/gravy, but not both in the same pack.)

      I thought I was being clever by rotating his food beginning when he was a kitten, figuring I’d save myself the hassle of a super picky cat who only eats one type of food from one particular brand.

      And it’s true, he loves his meals a lot more when there’s variety, it’s just that I’ve created a monster who now demands too much variety lol.

      With all that said, I still think it’s best to start a kitten on a wide variety of food.

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      1. Also, eggs are good for cats and dogs. Plain yogurt in moderation for probiotics. And me and other cat owners use plain organic pumpkin for cats and dogs with diarrhea and hard to defecate. One cat eats it out of a spoon while i have to hide it in food.

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  4. Instituting sanctions in the form of litter-box shoes is fearsome! I would comply immediately! (If I didn’t whack his little @ss for him instead.)

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