NEW YORK — Taking refuge from the heat of an unusually humid early June day, cats and dogs alike were gathered around the neighborhood’s most popular watering hole when their quiet lapping was disturbed by a kittenish, falsetto-like meow.
“Coming through!” Buddy the Cat yelled. “Make way!”
The silver tabby ordered everyone to “vacate the premises,” declaring the water his “personal drinking spot.” One of the toughest cats on the block, a battle-scarred orange tom named Buster, continued drinking.
“Ahem!” Buddy said loudly. “Perhaps you didn’t hear me. Vacate the pond, Buster!”
Buster eyed Buddy derisively. “Or else what, pip squeak?”
Buddy pretended to file his claws nonchalantly.
“Or else my jaguar is not going to be happy,” Buddy replied.
Buster began laughing, then caught sight of the enormous apex predator and backed up warily.
“That’s right!” Buddy said. “Back up if you don’t want to become a light snack, Buster!”
Ek B’alam, Buddy’s jaguar friend, raised a paw sheepishly.
“Um, do we have to threaten violence? I’m not interested in hurting…”
“Shhhh! Yes, yes we do have to threaten them!” Buddy whispered. “Let’s see that intimidating pose you do…great, now roar!”
The jaguar let loose a primal rumble, sending every cat, dog, bird and squirrel within a mile running for cover.
After enjoying a leisurely drink with the pond to themselves, Buddy and Ek B’alam took a lazy route to a nearby dog park where the pair terrorized a pitbull and a gang of Dobermans.
Witnesses said Buddy strolled into the Doberman circle, needled the dogs with insults and told them they’d have to hand over their treats promptly or face dire consequences.
“Oh yea?” the canine leader said, his tail twitching with anticipation. “Says who?”
“Says my jaguar!” Buddy said theatrically, holding both paws out like a magician.
The dogs paused, looked at each other and laughed uproariously.
“Get outta here, you pudgy little…oh! Oh! He’s really got a jag…I mean, I d-d-didn’t…”
Buddy feigned indifference as Ek B’alam padded out from behind a tree. The dogs emptied their bladders.
“You were saying something about me being pudgy, weren’t you? We don’t like insulting little mutts, do we, Ek B’alam?”
“No, we do not, Buddy,” the big cat replied.
“Sometimes we eat them for breakfast, don’t we, Ek B’alam?”
“Yes we do, Buddy. Better than bacon and eggs, with an agreeable aftertaste!”
The dogs whimpered, tails between their legs.
“Leave your toys and treats and scram!” Buddy said, making the canines flinch as he faked a leap toward them.
“You were right, this is kinda fun!” Ek B’alam said as he ate the dogs’ snacks. “Who do we terrorize next?”
Buddy rested his chin on his right paw thoughtfully.
“We could rob Los Gatos of every ounce of catnip they possess. We could put the fear of God into those ‘hunters’ who shoot at our puma buddies. I also have a revenge list of everyone who ever insulted me on the internet. That could be fun!”
As of late Tuesday night, local police scanner frequencies were buzzing with reports of two cats, one small and the other enormous, gleefully tearing apart industrial vacuum cleaners at a nearby Stanley Steemer shop.
Pain In The Bud 
Absolutely the best thing I have read in my inbox today (given my clients demanding style emails…) – as always, his Buddiness never fails to get my attention and this is uttely believable that he would team up with a Jaguar and rule NYC totally!!!!
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Oh no! Who or what will Buddy and Ek B’alam terrorize next?? Pandora’s hoping they’ll visit New Jersey and rid her of her mortal enemies — shoes! There is nothing scarier in the world than finding shoes strewn on the floor!
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Shoes? Pandora doesn’t Iike sniffing them? Bud will happily take them off her paws. He loves the smell of human feet!
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Indeed. Tell those clients to ease up or else they’ll get a visit from jaguar and mini-jaguar!
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Buddy has friends in low places!
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Buddy says: “Actually, we jaguars sleep in the trees…” Not sure where he’s getting the “we” from.
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Spunkmeyer wants to know “How did you find your Jaguar biddy, Little Buddy? There is a dog across the street who won’t stop yapping and”…
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Buddy journeyed into the Amazon and spent time among the great jaguars, where he impressed them with his novel napping techniques and introduced them to the joys of eating turkey. In exchange they made him an honorary jaguar, gave him a proper yguara name (Kinich Bajo, “tiny sun-eyed one”) and said he was always welcome to return.
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Spunkmeyer says maybe soon they could share air fare! “I would be about the same size as the jaguar! We might make a team! Hey Buddinator!”
Are jaguars about 20 lbs? I am. No fat just heredity! (Norwegian Forest Cat and Maine Coon?) My mom says that I am A BIG BOY! She can’t lift me anymore.” My dad can and he makes me laugh!”
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Jaguars can weigh up to 350 pounds! On the other extreme, very small female jaguars can weigh as little as 80 pounds, so four Spunkmeyers and almost seven Buddies.
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“Oh… Maybe I can puff up a lot!”
I am like Manny! I am not fat, just floofy!”
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Jaguars live in Central and South America, not the Middle East.
Why does Buddy’s friend have a name like Ek B’alam, which sounds Arabic?
He should be named El Jefe.
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It’s the name of a Mayan God who takes the form of a melanistic jaguar. Perfect for the buddy of a Buddy who has designs on world domination!
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Ohhhh!
Learned something new today.
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Yeah there are some weird ones. Xbalanque, Tezcatlipoca, Cosijo, Kinich Ahau, Ix Chel, Tēcuani and lots of others between the various indigenous cultures. There are some whose names are still unknown (Jaguar God L), and some cultures thought jaguars were the protector-spirits of their shamans.
There are puma gods too but I haven’t really read much about them yet.
We’d probably know a lot more if the Conquistadors hadn’t burned every book and scroll they saw, but archeologists are still finding ancient cities that were swallowed by the jungle, more than ever now with LIDAR. Maybe there are scrolls preserved like the Pompeii scrolls they’re analyzing now with AI.
I love reading about stuff like this.
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