WASHINGTON — In an escalating war of words between the White House and the nation’s top infectious disease expert, President Buddy criticized the CDC’s Dr. Anthony Meowci on Tuesday, telling reporters Meowci “is a treat-hogging fearmonger who doesn’t even bury his own poop.”
Despite insisting he and Dr. Meowci “have a terrific relationship,” the president unloaded on the head of the Cat Disease Center (CDC), reading down a list of bullet points critical of Meowci.
“We’re talking about a cat who puked on the carpet in 2015, knocked over a priceless vase in 2012 and peed outside the litter box in 2009,” President Buddy said. “We’re gonna trust him to tell us when we can open our businesses and send our kittens back to school?”
Dr. Meowci addresses reporters during a briefing last month.
A White House aide added fuel to the fire on Monday night after sharing a tweet from game show host Chonk Woolery, who floated a conspiracy theory claiming Meowci was telling everyone to stay indoors “so he could keep all the snacks to himself.”
“Meowci tells cats to stay inside, then he makes a circuit to all the homes in the country, gorging on the food left out for other cats by humans,” Woolery claimed.
Political observers say President Buddy has shifted the focus to Meowci after his previous plan to fight the Coronavirus — by moving the entire planet closer to the sun — failed to curb the spread. Earlier, the president pointed the finger at Siamese cats, who he said knew about the virus but didn’t warn fellow felines around the world.
C-Anon, the feline conspiracy group, quickly latched onto the new claims and invented their own, accusing Meowci of participating in a kitten smuggling ring operating out of the basement of a pizza parlor.
At the press conference, White House spokeswoman Kayleigh MeowcEnany pointed to a chart showing White House estimates of economic growth while following Meowci’s advice, and while ignoring it. The latter graph showed exponential growth and riches for every Americat beyond their wildest dreams.
Still, President Buddy insisted there was no tension during daily Coronavirus briefings at the White House.
“Dr. Meowci is a tremendous cat,” Buddy said. “A terrific cat. We have a very good relationship, a beautiful relationship.”
NEW YORK — Buddy the Cat generously and thoughtfully groomed his human early Sunday morning as the latter slept, sources confirmed.
“It was early and I hadn’t started meowing into my human’s ear at 106 decibels yet,” Buddy recalled. “Big Buddy looked so peaceful as he snoozed, so I decided I’d let him sleep and catch up on grooming myself.”
It was then that the spirit of altruism struck the normally selfish gray tabby cat.
“As I was licking my butt, I thought, ‘Buddy, why are you being so selfish? Doesn’t your caring human deserve a little grooming too?’ So I stopped licking my butt and started grooming Big Buddy’s face with my tongue. Got it nice and clean while he slept, so he wouldn’t have to wash when he woke up.”
Satisfied with a job well done, Buddy hopped off the bed, walked to the corner of the bedroom and stepped through the flap of his litter box for his 8 am bowel movement.
After burying his business like a gentleman, the considerate cat quietly climbed back into bed.
“I looked over and realized I’d missed a spot right on Big Buddy’s lip,” Little Buddy recalled. “I’m nothing if not thorough and a perfectionist, so I promptly corrected my mistake, licking my human’s lip clean.”
Big Buddy stirred in his sleep but didn’t immediately wake as he tugged the blanket tight around him.
After waking about an hour later, Big Buddy the Human reported strange and disturbing dreams about a jungle tribe of furry creatures who captured him and forced him to eat rotten chocolate.
“That’s, uh, very strange,” Little Buddy the Cat said. “Probably doesn’t mean anything. You know how dreams are, they’re crazy! So, uh, how about breakfast?”
Nekorepa’s homes and apartments are designed with cats in mind.
Proving once again that their country is home to some of the most enthusiastic cat-servants, Japan now has a real estate agency that lists only cat-friendly homes and apartments.
Actually, cat-friendly might be an understatement. Nekorepa Real Estate (neko is Japanese for cat) aims to hook people and their furry buddies up with homes built with cats in mind.
What does that mean? Bathrooms that have built-in cat doors, for example, so renters and homeowners can keep litter boxes there, and presumably put a permanent end to the never-ending feline freak-outs when cats are left out while their humans occupy the throne.
Others have custom-built alcoves in less-trafficked areas where litter boxes can be tucked, with ventilation fans built into the spaces. Almost all of them have an array of perches and comfortable cat-size window spots.
A home earns Nekorepa’s official seal of approval if it meets three criteria, Japan Today reports: “[A]bundant natural sunlight (to facilitate cozy cat naps), floors and walls with scratch-resistant surfaces (so your pet can run and play to its heart’s content), and a design that ensures your furry friend can’t slip out of the apartment and get lost while you’re away from home.”
Click on the images below for larger versions. These are some sweet cat digs:
Pretty much every Nekorepa home has built-in feline-friendly features, like easy-to-reach window perches, plus platforms, bridges and walkways for when cats feel like viewing their kingdoms from above.
It’s worth noting that there’s a legitimate need for a service like this in Japan. Space is at a premium, rental prices are sky high, and it’s not easy to find landlords who allow pets. That’s one reason cat cafes were born in Japan and continue to enjoy success — they cater to people who love cats but can’t have them in their homes.
If you’re living in Tokyo you’ll have the most options, but the company says it’s expanding throughout the country. As for the rest of us, let’s hope a few cat-loving real estate agents read this…
A sophisticated AI analyzes your cat’s stools, looking for signs of disease and illness.
When Alan Turing was dreaming of a future made better by intelligent machines back in 1950, it’s a safe bet he wasn’t imagining computers that could analyze your cat’s excrement.
Turing, often called the father of artificial intelligence, couldn’t have envisioned a device like the LuluPet litter box, which harnesses the combined intelligence of man and machine — a proud lineage of devices from the Speak N Spell to the latest iPhone — to conduct “stool and urine image analysis” and compare your cat’s bowel movements to “excretory behavioral algorithms.”
Excretory behavioral algorithms! A sentence so ridiculous that you must be thinking I’m shitting you, dear reader, just like I double-checked to make sure the whole thing wasn’t some recycled April Fool’s joke.
Nope. The LuluPet litter box is real. It earned an Innovation Award honoree nod at CES 2020’s tech trade show, and it’s headed to Amazon, where you’ll be able to buy it for $149.
The LuluPet litter box looks like it could be a high-tech microwave built for astronauts on the ISS.
Using a scale and sensor system, LuluPet can determine whether your cat’s performing a Number One or a Number Two inside the covered box, and it’s got visual recognition as well.
When your cat goes for a pinch, built-in cameras zoom in on the freshly-dropped deuce nuggets and, uh, log the images to LuluPet’s growing database of kitty crap. That’s when sophisticated algorithms get to work, analyzing the turds’ attributes — including texture, consistency and color, apparently — so it can compare them to others, ostensibly to alert you to any health problems plaguing your stoic kitty.
Worried that the device won’t work because your cat buries her business? Fear not! LuluPet uses “AI image restoration technologies” to recreate your cat’s turd so it can run it through its stool database.
“The litter box comes with 2 AI systems: one for litter analysis, and another that analyzes clumping between litter and litter box material,” the Taiwan-based company explains. “The latter attempts to reconstruct litter shape and present it to the former for confirmation, and can currently identify litter with an accuracy of up to 90%.”
NASA doesn’t even have tech like this!
“SkyNET became self-award in my litter box!”
Put away those fears of rogue AI trying to wipe out humanity. Lighten up. Take a load off. AI doesn’t want to kill you. It just wants to amass the world’s most impressive collection of feline fecal photographs.
There’s an app for that
Of course, you may want to verify your cat is performing healthy bowel movements for yourself, and an integrated app allows you to tap into the litter box’s camera feed to watch kitty having a nice growler. Welcome to the future, folks.
And for those of you who think this is a fantastic idea but might balk at the pricy LuluPet because you’ve got an entire pride of little lions, fear not: The device’s AI can differentiate between the output of multiple cats by looking for the unique features of each kitty’s downloads.
Again, I’m totally not making this up.
Now that we’ve had our fun, it’s only fair to note the LuluPet litter box is well-intentioned, and if it works as intended, it could lead to critical early diagnosis for animals who are notorious for hiding pain and discomfort:
“Among the top ten causes of death for domestic cats, seven were feces-related diseases. Cats, however, are born concealers of their own weaknesses, making it difficult for owners to find out whether their precious feline is in pain. LuluPet illustrates this with the example of kidney failure: Statistically, a cat’s kidneys are 70% damaged by the time the owner suspects an illness and brings the cat to the veterinarian. The organ damage is not only irreversible, but subsequent medical fees may cost up to US$ 1,200.
Sick cats aren’t completely undetectable. According to the Bristol stool scale, cat feces may be divided into 7 categories, ranging from constipation to diarrhea; constipation may be caused by the pressing of a tumor, while symptoms of diarrhea may be the result of common systemic diseases such as kidney failure. Stool analysis thus becomes the most straightforward way of detecting these diseases.”
Maybe an all-knowing machine overlord to watch over your feline overlord isn’t such a bad thing.
“Urinalysis complete. Stool satisfactory. Have a nice day.”
A newly-opened Egyptian tomb contains feline wonders, including the mummies of lions and kitties.
Dear Buddy,
Did you hear the news about the cat mummies and the big trove of cat statues found by archaeologists in Egypt? My dad says Egypt is a special place ‘cause that’s where humans used to worship us a long time ago. Is that true? Why did they stop?
Kitten in Kentucky
Dear KiK,
Your dad is right! Egypt is a magical land, a place where humans were once keenly aware of our status as the most awesome species on Earth.
Egypt is where you’ll find the biggest litter box on the planet. It stretches for miles and miles until finally the horizon reveals a huge weather-worn statue of a cat and three stone pyramids jutting out of the litter.
The Great Sphinx of Giza keeps watch over the world’s most sacred litter box.
It is said that by pooping in front of the Great Sphinx and reverently burying the poop in the great litter dunes, one can gain the wisdom of the Sphinx and power over the red dot.
This new discovery solidifies our special status in Egypt and gives us insight into how humans worshiped our ancestors. As you can see, the bodies of the kitties are wrapped up. Those are called funerary blankets, nice and soft for kneading and sleeping.
The discovery was made when archaeologists opened the tomb of a royal priest in service to a pharaoh who ruled long ago, when humans knew their place and cats were viewed as da bomb. Inside the tomb, the archaeologists found two mummified lion cubs and the mummies of several kitties, as well as lesser animals like crocodiles.
Also among the treasures were 75 boxes of cat statues which were venerated by the ancient Egyptians.
Archaeologists are calling the find “unprecedented”:
In a rare discovery announced at a press conference by the Egyptian Ministry of Antiquities on Nov. 23, this dusty duo of long-deceased baby lions was found in a Saqqaran tomb filled to the brim with gold-decorated wood, stone, and bronze cat statues, and a cache of cat mummies.
The tomb was found near Giza’s Saqqara necropolis, which archaeologists believe was associated with the cat goddess Bastet and Miysis, who was her son and a lion god himself. Egyptians also worshiped another cat goddess, Sekhmet, who like Bastet had the body of a human woman and the head of a lion.
The hieroglyphics read: “Hark, for there will come a handsome cat prince named Buddy, and ye shall worship him by presenting only the tastiest turkey.”This relief sculpture portrays the cat goddess Sekhmet.
But there’s one thing you should know, Kitten in Kentucky: Humans never stopped venerating us. They just need to be reminded once in a while with a good hard smack.
This is why, my dear kitten, humans work all day whilst we lounge, and it’s why they often spend more money on our food than they do on their own.
Rejoice, little one, for you are descended from deities!
Your friend, Buddy
A statue of Bastet guards the eastern litter box region of Abydos.This statue depicts Sekhmet, a lion goddess worshiped in ancient Egypt.
Pain In The Bud 