Tag: gross

Buddy The Cat Generously Grooms His Human

NEW YORK — Buddy the Cat generously and thoughtfully groomed his human early Sunday morning as the latter slept, sources confirmed.

“It was early and I hadn’t started meowing into my human’s ear at 106 decibels yet,” Buddy recalled. “Big Buddy looked so peaceful as he snoozed, so I decided I’d let him sleep and catch up on grooming myself.”

It was then that the spirit of altruism struck the normally selfish gray tabby cat.

“As I was licking my butt, I thought, ‘Buddy, why are you being so selfish? Doesn’t your caring human deserve a little grooming too?’ So I stopped licking my butt and started grooming Big Buddy’s face with my tongue. Got it nice and clean while he slept, so he wouldn’t have to wash when he woke up.”

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Satisfied with a job well done, Buddy hopped off the bed, walked to the corner of the bedroom and stepped through the flap of his litter box for his 8 am bowel movement.

After burying his business like a gentleman, the considerate cat quietly climbed back into bed.

“I looked over and realized I’d missed a spot right on Big Buddy’s lip,” Little Buddy recalled. “I’m nothing if not thorough and a perfectionist, so I promptly corrected my mistake, licking my human’s lip clean.”

Big Buddy stirred in his sleep but didn’t immediately wake as he tugged the blanket tight around him.

After waking about an hour later, Big Buddy the Human reported strange and disturbing dreams about a jungle tribe of furry creatures who captured him and forced him to eat rotten chocolate.

“That’s, uh, very strange,” Little Buddy the Cat said. “Probably doesn’t mean anything. You know how dreams are, they’re crazy! So, uh, how about breakfast?”

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