fake news – Page 9 – Pain In The Bud

Buddy’s Cat Café Offers Cat Lovers A Chance To Pet And Feed Buddy

Buddy the Cat’s latest scheme makes him the main — and only — attraction at a new cat cafe, where customers fuss over him and feed him all day.

NEW YORK — The Big Apple’s newest cat cafe is doing a brisk business, offering cat lovers a new twist on the relaxing feline-and-coffee combo.

Instead of a typical cat cafe which could feature a dozen or more adoptable cats to interact with, Buddy’s Café and Catnip Lounge features one cat: Buddy, its proprietor.

For just $5 customers can come inside, enjoy a cup of coffee and spend their time petting and feeding Buddy. A separate menu offers a range of treats and catnip products which they can purchase to lavish on the gray tabby cat.

“It’s not easy being a one-cat operation, but I’m dedicated to my customers by making sure they can feed me and pet me as much as they want,” Buddy said as the cafe began to fill up.

buddyhiphop — Buddy posing with regulars for Freestyle Fridays at Buddy’s Cat Cafe. Many young musicians come to Buddy for advice, as well as to pet and feed him.

By late afternoon several groups were seated at tables situated around a dais where Buddy stretched and yawned on a Roman-style chaise longue.

“Please, ladies, there’s enough of me to go around,” Buddy told a pair of customers who were arguing over which one of them was petting the feline first. “Sandra, why don’t you scratch behind my ears? Ah, that’s wonderful! Kim, my chin is free for scritches. Yes. You see? We can all get along.”

buddycatcafecrowd — Buddy with students from Mrs. Nakamura’s fourth-grade class. The students come to Buddy’s Cat Cafe once a month to visit, feed and fawn over their feline friend.

Buddy was able to prevent another argument when he announced he needed to use his litter box and four customers volunteered to carry him there. He gestured toward a gilded palanquin in the corner of the room which was carved with elaborate feline motifs.

“You can each take a corner and carry me,” he said, settling himself down on the palanquin’s cushion. “You are all privileged today, my human servants.”

Buddy’s Cat Café even offers a VIP-tier membership package, the Frequent Feeder Program. Frequent Feeders are given priority seating closest to Buddy and are the first permitted to feed him snacks and give him massages during the afternoon rush.

“Buddy so kawaii!” said one admirer, Hideshi Igawa. “I like to read shinbun and admire Budditsu.”

Not everything always runs smoothly at the cafe, however. Earlier this week a man entered claiming to be “Buddy’s human” and demanded the beloved feline “stop this ridiculousness and come home.” Buddy looked skeptically at the man and pretended not to know him.

“Sir, you’re going to have to buy a cup of coffee like everyone else and wait your turn,” said 27-year-old Kelly Hogan, a regular at the cafe. “Buddy, do you know this man?”

Buddy looked at his Big Buddy and pretended not to recognize him.

“I don’t,” he said. “Security, toss this troublemaker out! He’s trying to cut the line, and I won’t have my regular customers disturbed!”

Big Buddy screamed at his cat as two burly men dragged him out.

“I’ll get you for this, you little $#!+!” he yelled as the men tossed him out the front door. “No bed, no snuggles, no TURKEY!”

Buddy turned back toward his customers and cleared his throat.

“Where were we? Ah, yes. Little Jeffrey here was scratching my back, his mother was feeding me crunchy treats, and Mrs. Novello was next up with a bag of catnip. Let’s get back into it, shall we? People are waiting patiently!”

Thousands Crowd The Catican As Pope Buddy Delivers New Edict

Believers the world over look to His Holiness, Pope Buddy I, for guidance on matters spiritual and gastronomical.

ROME — Thousands of humans and felines crowded St. Bob’s Square on Monday, enduring steady rains and winds so they could witness the newest proclamation from the spiritual leader of all cats.

By late morning the crowd had swelled to an estimated 50,000 according to the Catican News Service. Many held up signs with messages for His Buddyness, while vendors hawked fried Temptations, beef pate tacos and turkey on a stick.

Finally a hush fell over the crowd as two members of the Swedish Guard emerged, opened the double cat flap to the papal balcony and took up positions on either side.

His Holiness himself appeared, resplendent in white vestments and a colorful stole as he waved to the crowd. Well-wishers cheered, whistled and clapped for several minutes before Buddy quieted them by holding up a paw.

“Hark, for the Seventy Second Buddesian Precept shall be revealed to us!” a herald exclaimed.

Buddy spread his paws, leaned into a microphone, and said: “That which can be swiped off of a flat surface must be swiped off of a flat surface.”

A marked silence hung over the crowd for several seconds as onlookers absorbed the wisdom of the cat’s words, then was replaced by a deafening cheer.

“Swipe! Swipe! Swipe!” thousands of felines chanted.

Buddy led the delegation in prayer — “In nomine Pawtris, et felis, et Spiritu Sancti” — then turned and walked back into the peowpal apartments where he planned to meet with prelates over capocollo, mortadella and prosciutto sandwiches with mozzarella and tomatoes.

Just hours after the spiritual leader’s brief remarks, Catolic commentators, theologians and the faithful were abuzz with speculation on the implications of His Holiness’ words.

An icon depicting one of Catolicism’s most celebrated saints, Pope Buddentine XVII. Not to be confused with Pope Buddentine IX, who granted indulgences to the very best chefs, Buddentine XVII was known for ReDelicification of high holidays, placing a firm emphasis where it belongs, on the Lord and all the wonderful foods he created.

The papal proclamation, though laconic in its presentation to the crowd at the Catican, shall be expanded upon and rendered in proper philosophical terms upon the release of Pope Buddy’s forthcoming encyclical, De Significatione Delectamenti, or “On The Significance of Deliciousness,” in which the pope is expected to expound on matters gastronomical as well as spiritual.

“Sandwiches have a special place in His Holiness’ heart, and so he is expected to implore the faithful to ponder the deliciousness of the holiday season,” said Archbishop Felinzio Napoli. “As we look forward to the holidays and celebrate the birth of Christ, let us not forget the meaning of the holiday, nor neglect the flavorful expectations of those who honor it. That means Christmas dinner must be delicious, if it wasn’t obvious.”

Buddy Updates His Dating Profile Pics

Buddy knows what the ladies want.

NEW YORK — Disappointed with the lack of responses to his dating profile, Buddy the Cat updated it on Sunday with “much more accurate and badass” photos of himself.

“These oughta do it,” the gray tabby cat said, laying back with his paws behind his head and his feet up after successfully updating his Meowr profile.

The dating app, which is exclusively for the use of felines, boasts more than 24 million users and saw an influx of new accounts registered over the weekend after a National Cat Day promotion.

A new and “more accurate” cover photo for Buddy’s dating profile on MEOWR.

Disregarding the advice of his human to “just be himself,” Buddy headlined his profile “Catdonis Seeks Super Hot Model Types.” Under a column titled “Describe yourself in a few words,” the model-seeking feline wrote: “Brave, handsome, meowscular, really really funny, an incredible dancer, and the 2023 National Competitive Table-Setting Champion.”

His human spat out his drink.

“Brave? Competitive table-setting champion? What the hell?” he asked, awe-struck.

Buddy rubbed a paw against his fur and matter-of-factly explained what his dumb human was unable to grasp.

“It’s designed to show my artsy and sensitive side,” he said. “Duh. This may come as a surprise to you, but the ladies like a cat who is in touch with his inner artist.”

Big Buddy shot his feline friend a derisive look.

“The only art you’ve made is in your litter box,” he said. “And it’s depressingly apocalyptic.”

Buddy snorted.

“We’ll see who gets the last laugh, human,” he said. “When I roll up to the club with Meowghan Fox or Jennifer Clawrence on my arm, you’ll be super jelly.”

As of Thursday Buddy had received no responses on his profile.

Buddy Unravels Astonishing Conspiracy During Ayahuasca Trip

“I see it now!” Buddy exclaimed. “Everything is connected, and we are everything! Who else is hungry?”

PERU — Three hours after ingesting ayahuasca brewed by a jaguar shaman — and two hours after jaguar scouts found him running around the jungle while screaming about extradimensional Teletubbies — Buddy the Cat had unraveled an astonishing conspiracy, sources reported.

The New York-based cat, who had long sought to ingratiate himself with various groups of big cats, usually with disastrous results, finally found kinship with the tolerant jaguars in 2021 when he ventured into the Amazon and impressed the jungle-dwelling felids with his extensive knowledge of novel napping techniques. He also introduced the jaguars to turkey, and in return for his contributions to the jaguar nation, the big cats granted him the jungle name Kinich Bajo, which means “tiny sun-eyed one” in the ancient Yucatec dialect.

jaguarbuddies — Buddy with Canguçu, one of his jaguar buddies.

Buddy returned to the Amazon in October of 2023 to “spend time with my homies” and participate in an ancient jaguar shamanistic ritual involving tea brewed from ayahuasca, the powerful psychedelic used in indigenous ceremonies.

Clearing a small grove in the Amazon rainforest and using rocks to represent people, places and ideas, Buddy was able to find indisputable connections between the Annunaki, the defunct Blockbuster chain of video rental stores and NFL linebacker Barkevious Mingo.

“But where does the Vatican fit in?” Buddy asked, resting his chin on his right paw thoughtfully. “Could it be that Barkevious Mingo is the true pope, and he was speaking ex cathedra when he said Havarti cheese is the food of the gods? Is catkind really ready to accept a divine proclamation on yums that excludes turkey and gouda?”

Buddy and Jaguars — An artist’s impression of Buddy and jaguar elder Yguakina in the Amazon, piecing together great mysteries.

A pair of jaguar minders exchanged worried glances as they approached the tabby cat from both sides.

“Come back to the campfire, Kinich Bajo,” said Xbalanque, the older of the two, using the name jaguar elders had bestowed on the silver tabby. “Your work here can wait.”

Buddy didn’t take his eyes off the complex diagram of rocks, vines and leaves he’d carefully assembled. “Not while I’m so close!”

Xbalanque shook his head. “Where is Elder Yguakina?”

Buddy sighed.

“I had to send him away! He’d become consumed with this ridiculous theory involving Ragnar Lothbrok, the 1973 Pittsburgh Pirates and the Webb telescope,” Buddy said. “I don’t have time for such nonsense!”

As of press time, the Jaguar Nation of Iquitos Amazonia said Buddy was on the verge of a great discovery and will not emerge from the jungle until he’s connected the dots or the psychedelic brew wears off, whichever comes first.

buddy_jaguars2 — Buddy with his jaguar buddies Xibalbá, left, and Ek B’alam.

Buddy The Cat: Adopting A Human Was The 579th Best Thing I Ever Did!

Training your new human will take time but it’s totally worth it, Buddy says.

Sure, humans can be frustrating. They’re loud, lumbering beasts and they look funny with their bizarre two-legged gait, always teetering around as if they could fall on their weird, furless faces any second.

They’re woefully incompetent when it comes to reading whisker and tail, their noses are dead and they stubbornly refuse to learn the simple language of territorial marking. Even kittens can do that!

Because they’re not very smart and their senses are laughably blunted, we felines have to do most of the hard work and communicate with humans the only way they know how: by making otherworldly warbling noises with their mouths and vocal cords.

It’s a ridiculous way to communicate and you’ll feel like a fool, but unfortunately it’s the only way to get them to respond to demands and directions. Just go with it.

Humans are convinced these arbitrary sounds have deep meaning, so it helps if you vary your tone and inflect some emotion into your warbling. You’ll know you’ve been successful when they stop to ponder your meaning, trying to work out in their slow, limited minds what you’re trying to communicate. It doesn’t even matter what you “say,” really. They’ll decide it means something.

Despite the limitations of these simple creatures, many of them can be gentle giants and they’re easily manipulated. Roll onto your back, pull your paws up beneath your chin, fix them with a wide-eyed stare and squeak out a little “mew, mew!” then watch their hearts melt. They’ll serve you food in no time!

There’s no doubt about it, adopting a human has been the 579th greatest decision I’ve made in my life!

When you adopt your human, don’t expect them to transform into your butler, maid and personal chef overnight. It takes time and lots of repetition to properly train them.

But once you do, there’s nothing like the life of a house cat! Your meals are served with the precision of Swiss trains, because your humans will know there’s hell to pay if they’re late. You’ll be nice and cozy in the winters and comfortably cool in the summers. Your territory will be well protected with strong, human-built barriers preventing strange felines and interlopers of various mammalian forms from intruding. You’ll have your pick of comfortable napping spots, and if you properly train your human, you’ll have a nice, soft, secure lap spot where body heat is abundant and service is never more than a meow away, because your human can’t go anywhere while you’re sleeping on them.

In fact they’ll postpone the call of nature, allow their limbs to go numb and endure uncomfortable positions just to avoid disturbing you! LOL! I like to sit on my human’s chest as close as possible to his face so his nose is buried in the fur on my flank, then see how long it takes for him to choose breathing over my comfort. LOL!

However I must warn you, my friends, about one disturbing human tendency that can pose a problem. As a species they are hopelessly addicted to glowing rectangles of varying sizes — some small enough to fit into the pads of their furless paws, and some big enough to dominate the family nap room. They just stare at the big ones, but with the small rectangles they can sit there for hours poking at them. They just poke, poke, poke with their paws, sometimes making weird expressions with their faces, sometimes giving off interesting pheromones.

If your human is susceptible to falling into the glowing rectangle trance, you’ll have to develop strategies to break them out of it. And don’t make the mistake of stealing the little glowing rectangles. I tried that once and my human stopped all other activity to look for it, becoming increasingly frantic. My dinner was late, my nap was interrupted as my human flipped over couch pillows and looked under furniture. It was a disaster.

In my next column, we’ll talk about caring for your human, the importance of regularly grooming them, and your responsibility to supervise their bowel movements. Humans are high-maintenance pets and they get clingy if you don’t give them enough attention.

But in the meantime, I hope I’ve convinced you that adopting a human is a major net positive!