Buddy’s House Rules #7: Door Policy
Buddy lays down the law.
Tag: cats and doors
Human Spies Have Infiltrated Catdom To Learn Our Secrets!
One kitty didn’t check if the coast was clear before he did something humans didn’t expect, and now the two-legs are onto us!
A Very Important Message from Buddy to all cats:
My brothers and sisters,
I meow most urgently to inform you that human mischief knows no bounds, and now the two-legged scoundrels have resorted to using their magical glowing rectangles to spy on us and learn our most well-kept secrets!
It would appear the glowing rectangles are more than mere hypnosis machines which humans stare at for hours. Apparently they also do the bidding of their human masters, and one of these blasted machines surreptitiously used its magic to capture images of a kitty opening one of those infernal portals humans are so fond of:
This is not good! Humans are supposed to think we’re incapable of manipulating the simple mechanisms that keep these “doors” closed. Now they may take drastic measures to confine us, all because this cat was sloppy and opened a door without checking if the coast was clear.
I urge you to exercise the utmost caution before humans capture “footage” of one of us shapeshifting to get through a small space, or even using our powers of teleportation!
It is imperative that humans continue to believe we’re just fluffy, adorable and innocent little fur babies who do amusingly derpy things that make for cute viral videos.
Suppose humans learn the full range of our powers. What then? Will they evict us from our homes out of fear of what we might do to them? Or worse, will they force us to stoop to canine levels and do things for them, like “fetch” slippers or sniff for illegal catnip in airport luggage? The horror!
Watch your tails, fellow felines!
Your friend,
Buddy
New Human Surprisingly Easy To Manipulate, Rescue Cat Says
After arriving in his Forever Kingdom, a newly-adopted cat began the hard work of training his new human.
NEW YORK — It took only six seconds for Jenna, Mikey’s new human, to open the bathroom door when guilted with mournful meows on Wednesday, the newly-homed cat reported.
The 28-year-old human woman entered the bathroom without her recently-adopted feline at approximately 6:22 pm on Wednesday.
“I said to myself, ‘Mikey, we gotta nip this in the bud right away. We can’t have her thinking she can use the bathroom without us, can we?'” the white moggie said.
Mikey launched into a routine that involved scratching the frame, reaching under the door and meowing frantically — “the classics,” he said.
Six seconds later the bathroom door opened, revealing a concerned Jenna.
“Oh my poor baby, are you okay?” she asked, extending a hand as Mikey padded into the bathroom. “I was worried! It sounded like someone was strangling you!”
Mikey said he milked his new human’s sympathy for all he could get.
“I flopped onto my back, gave out a little ‘Muurrrp!’ and looked at her with my big, sad eyes,” he told reporters. “A few minutes later she was in the kitchen, showering me with snacks. Easy peasy!”
Mikey, who spent almost three months in a local shelter as younger cats were adopted during kitten season, said he’s proceeding cautiously in his new home and plans to use his keen feline powers of observation to develop a meticulous catalogue of which buttons to push at specific times “to yield maximum snackage and massages.”
“I haven’t used my solicitation purr yet,” he said. “So far my human’s been pliable and gives me what I want, when I want it. The other night she spent four hours laying in a very uncomfortable-looking position to avoid disturbing me while I napped on her shoulder. I want to see how far I can take it before bringing out the big guns.”
Patience has paid off, Mikey said.
“Her boyfriend came over the other night,” he said. “I could have hissed, peed in his shoes, chased him off. After all, there can only be one man of the house. But he brought a gift for me, one of those track towers with the ball you swat around, you know? I have to admit, I was impressed that he knew enough to pay tribute to me. That guy’s alright.”
Open The Door Right Meow And Let Me In!
OPEN THE DOOR AND LET ME INSIDE, GOOD SIR. NOW I WANT TO GO BACK OUT.
Hey! Hey, I’m talking to you, human!
Yes, you!
Open the door right meow!
Didn’t we have this discussion like 26,413 times? We don’t close doors in this house!
Ah! Thank you! Now that’s better, isn’t it? The door is open and everything is just fine!
Hold on, hold on. Let’s not be too hasty. I’m not sure I want to actually go in there. Well, give me a minute! I’m deciding. Lots to think about here.
Okay, I’ve thought about it and I don’t want to go in.
No! Don’t close the door! What are you doing?! Open it! Open the door!
OPEN IT OPEN IT OPEN IT! *scratch scratch scratch scratch*
MEEEEEOOOOWWW! Open the door! You see my little paws reaching desperately under the door?
Open the — yes, thank you! Yes, I’m sure. I’m coming in this time. What do you mean, indecisive?
Okay. So I’m in here now. Watcha doing? Is that the new issue of GQ? Not really much going on in here, is there?
I mean, you’re there, just sitting there, and I’m just supposed to sit here? Yes, I realize this is technically your litter box.
I want to go out. Open the door. No, I’m serious. Let me out. I’m not waiting 10 minutes for you to finish that article, wash your hands, maybe brush your teeth. Nope.
Thanks, amigo. Ah, it’s nice to be back out again.
Actually, not really much going on out here, is there? I mean, you’re in there. I’m out here.
Okay, I wanna come back in. Can you open the door again?
Buddy’s Mailbag: How Do I Open Doors?
Thousands of years ago an evil human was looking for a way to annoy cats and invented the first door.
Dear Buddy,
What is the sick human fascination with doors? Who invented these vile things?
Better yet, how do I get them to open?
I hate doors!
– Hater in Honolulu
Dear H in H,
Welcome to the club, hermano!
No one really knows for sure where doors came from. Our best scientists have a working theory that humans invented doors thousands of years ago as a way to torture us cats.
It worked.
Not much foils us, mind, but doors are a uniquely anti-feline feature of human homes, and we all loathe them. But take heart! They can be defeated.
If the doors in your home have handles instead of knobs, and they’re low enough that you can reach them without jumping, then what are you writing to me for? Go open them!
However, if your humans were evil enough to buy doors with knobs, or if reaching the handles requires you to jump, you’re going to need a little more finesse, my friend.
I call it the jump-and-twist. You’re going to need to leap up toward the knob while at the same time twisting your body in mid-air — a trivial move if you’re muscular like I am — so that your back feet catch the door frame. Then use the leverage from your back paws to push while keeping your front paws on the knob. Make sure you turn it!
Finally, if you’re not athletic or the door is too difficult to open (or if you’re just lazy), you can employ what I like to call The Buddy Special.
The Buddy Special is very easy: Simply stand next to the door and cry, making your meows more pitiful-sounding by the second. Be sure to hit the sweet spot frequency that mimics a human baby’s cries: Humans are compelled to get up and investigate when they hear that sound!
Good luck and stay Buddy, my friends!
– Buddy the Wise
Pain In The Bud 