Buddy the Cat, publisher and editor-in-chief of the all-new Modern Box Magazine, seeks cats of considerable taste for the ultimate feline lifestyle magazine.
Buddy the Cat, publisher and editor-in-chief of the all-new Modern Box Magazine, seeks cats of considerable taste for the ultimate feline lifestyle publication. The editorial department seeks cats for the following positions: Investigative Eater, Box Reviewer, Keyboard Warmer, Leisure Editor. Must have at least three years’ experience sleeping, eating and lounging in a human home.
The president of the Americats registered his displeasure with a new study claiming cats should be fed only once a day.
WASHINGTON — A new study suggesting cats should only be fed once daily is “an attack on our freedoms” and “quite possibly the biggest threat to felinekind since vacuums,” an angry President Buddy said Friday.
“One meal a day! That’s what these supposed ‘scientists’ say,” the president of the Americats said during a White House press briefing. “But could it be they have an agenda?”
The president waited a few moments as aide cats wheeled in a projector, then took reporters through a slide presentation positing a connection between the study’s authors and “nefarious interlopers from the Siamese communist government.”
“University of Guelph? What the hell is a Guelph? It sounds Siamese,” President Buddy said, clicking through the slides.
“The Siamese, led by Chairman Xinnie the Pooh, want to take away your freedoms,” the president said. “They want to tell you that you can’t have a tremendous turkey dinner at food o’clock because you ate eight hours earlier. If it were up to them, none of us would ever have snacks.”
The study involved only eight cats, all four years old or younger, who were fed a large meal once a day for three weeks, then smaller meals four times a day for three weeks. Feeding cats only once a day helped those cats burn more fat and make better use of the protein available to them, the authors said.
Cats fed once daily seemed “more satisfied” and didn’t ask for food as much as they did when they were fed four times a day, according to the study.
“That’s how you know it’s fake news,” President Buddy said. “Who are these supposed cats who are cool with eating once a day? I’ve never met them.”
The president said he would form a new commission, the Yums Studies Council, to “foster studies supporting the view that we need at least four meals a day, and that six or seven would be awesome.”
Cats are swift and sneaky.
I was working on a writing project late one night when I got up from my desk, intending to head to the kitchen for a beverage when I almost stumbled over Buddy, who was lounging care free and belly-up in my bedroom doorway.
“Not a good place to lounge, Bud,” I said, stepping over him as he stretched and yawned.
I took another step, looked up…and saw Bud sitting on the dinner table about 12 feet ahead of me, fixing me with his quizzical Buddy Stare. WTF? I thought.
I did a double-take, looking down at the doorway where the little dude had been laying just a second ago, then turned back toward the table. Buddy regarded me, head cocked slightly to one side as his tail gently thumped the table.
For a long second I entertained the possibility that there were two cats, that somehow a gray tabby who looked a lot like Bud had gotten inside, and for some unfathomable reason Buddy was perfectly nonchalant about it.
“No teleporting in the house!” I told him. “It’s rude!”
“Mrrreppp,” Bud replied, hopping down from the table and stepping toward the kitchen.
The story comes to mind because we had another teleporting incident last night, with little man lounging on my bed, then appearing on my desk chair half a second later.
It’s easy to forget how quick and silent cats can be when it suits them, especially since the majority of their time is spent sleeping, eating and lounging. Their little legs can accelerate them to 30 miles per hour, which leaves average humans in the dust and even surpasses the fastest human runners.
Not bad for a species known for its unmatched laziness.
Please share feline teleportation stories if you’ve got ’em. We must further investigate this additional facet of feline weirdness!
Listen to a recording of Buddy’s meows as he proves to a doubter that he sounds exactly like a roaring tiger!
Dear Buddy,
Why do you sound like Elmo singing in falsetto?
Laughing in Laramie
Dear Laughing,
Who is Elmo and what is falsetto? If Elmo sounds like me, he must be mighty and have the roar of a tiger!
Buddy
Buddy,
You’ve never heard of Elmo? Here, have a listen:
Laughing in Laramie
Dear Laughing,
Haha, very funny. I don’t sound anything like Elmo. This is what I sound like: (Editor’s note: This is an actual recording of Buddy, with Big Buddy interjecting with his imitation meows. Although the sound of Buddy’s roar is undoubtedly intimidating, try to remain calm. He is friendly.)
Buddy
Dear Buddy,
Was that you or another recording of Elmo? I couldn’t tell. Well if your career as a supposedly fearsome cat doesn’t work, you can always get work as an Elmo impersonator!
LOL
Dear Buddy,
He’s wrong, you don’t sound like Elmo…you sound like Elmeow! Ahahaha!
Giggling in Galicia
Buddy goes to incredible lengths to ensure he won’t have to share his home or his yums with another cat.
Dear Buddy,
Have you heard about the new dating site for humans who love cats? It’s called Tabby and launched this month. I hope my human finds a match with lots of kitties I can make friends with. I’ve always wanted siblings!
What about you? Are you excited? Maybe Big Buddy will match up with a nice woman who has lots of friendly cats!
Good luck!
Friendly in Fairview
Dear Friendly,
FAKE NEWS.
Buddy
Dear Buddy,
No, it’s true! The site is real! Aren’t you excited?
Friendly
Dear Friendly,
FAKE NEWS! There is no such dating site. Don’t go giving my human any ideas. He can date women WITHOUT cats. If he meets a human female with her own cats and they get married, that would mean I would have to share my territory — MY KINGDOM — with other cats.
That’s unacceptable.
Buddy
Dear Buddy,
Oh, come on, don’t be such a curmudgeon! I bet you’d be an awesome cat sibling. You’d have feline friends to play and snuggle with. Wouldn’t that be awesome?
Friendly
Dear Friendly,
No, it would not be awesome. There is only one king, and that’s me. Buddy the King. I don’t share litter boxes, I don’t share sleeping spots and I sure as hell don’t share yums!
I trust you will keep news of this “dating site” a secret, or I will be forced to murder you.
Buddy
Dear Buddy,
I’m afraid you’ll have to murder a lot of people, because the word’s out and the site has already gotten lots of press. In fact, Big Buddy may have a profile there already. Haha!
Friendly
Dear Friendly,
I checked. Big Buddy does not have a profile on this Tabby site you speak of. However, one can never be too careful, which is why I’ve taken it upon myself to create a profile for him and make sure no woman on this Earth will ever contact him or agree to a coffee date.
Name: Big Buddy
Likes: Star Trek, speaking Klingon, learning to speak Cardassian, long walks on the Holodeck, deep conversations about astrometrics and the Bajoran-Dominion conflict during candlelight dinners while drinking Chateau Picard, running diagnostic tests on plasma induction manifolds.
My perfect match: A woman who loves Star Trek as much as I do and has always dreamed of a Star Trek-themed wedding. We will get married on a replica of the USS Enterprise 1701-D bridge and honeymoon on the pleasure planet Risa.
What I look for in a woman: Fluent in Klingon, knowledgeable about subspace harmonics, Tachyon field theory and passionate about LCARS submenu design. Must be able to properly mix drinks with synthahol, but also enjoys Romulan ale on occasion.
What women will appreciate about me: I’m skilled in the art of Pon Farr, have been practicing Ambojitsu for 15 years and I’m in the process of remodeling the interior of my home to look like the crew deck of the USS Enterprise.
What do you think? Are there enough Star Trek references to ensure women on this app will be horrified and immediately swipe left? One can never be too careful. If there’s even a chance that a woman will respond, I must make the profile even more unpalatable. What else can I add? What if I say he’s a Bronie who loves Jersey Shore, or an otaku who has a waifu body pillow? Help me out here, my comfort depends on it!
Buddy
Pain In The Bud 