As Buddy’s mignons, you will execute his will across multiple platforms, ensure that client needs are met, and help maintain a company-wide culture of feline supremacy over humans, dogs and other lesser animals.
Are you a dog who can follow directions? Are you a fellow cat who may be timid and needs a strong leader to rally behind?
You’re in luck!
Buddy the Cat is looking for mignons to help execute his fiendishly brilliant plans for world domination!
We offer a competitive benefits package including paid nap time!
Positions:
Palanquin carrier (4, possibly might need 6 after holidays)
Chef
Human wrangler
Cat burglar (a burglar who is a cat, not a burglar of cats)
Groomers
Meowscle (bouncers)
Meowscle (bodyguards)
Consiglieri
Tigers (4) to be my warlords
Chariot-maker
Kittens to serve as lookouts
Architect to build a really awesome secret lair! (Also, a cool throne)
Once we have our secret lair, we can begin plotting to take over the world! Muahahahaha!*
(*) Battles of conquest and meetings about ruling the planet are scheduled around nap times.
Little Buddy the Cat told the artist to take “a small amount of artistic license.”
NEW YORK — Big Buddy returned home on Tuesday to find the living room wall adorned with a huge framed portrait depicting a man resembling a viking alongside a massive tiger.
“Buuuuuud!” Big Buddy yelled. “What the hell is this?”
Little Buddy popped up from his spot on the couch, then stretched and yawned.
“Oh that? I had another portrait of us commissioned, you like?”
Big Buddy glowered.
“No, I do not like! You are not a tiger and I am not…a viking warlord or whatever the hell that’s supposed to be.”
Little Buddy casually scratched the couch and shrugged.
“I may have asked the artist to take a small amount of artistic license,” he said, “but I think it’s pretty accurate for the most part.”
Big Buddy sighed.
“Take it down,” he said. “It’s absurd.”
Little Buddy cackled.
“But you haven’t even seen the other one yet!”
“The Buddies II,” painted by feline artist Meowster Hans Holbein. In a very slight exaggeration, Little Buddy the Cat is portrayed as a tiger while Big Buddy the Human is a viking warlord
Update: This is now a conspiracy! Reader M’s cat, Ramses, has commissioned a similar portrait of human and feline:
Buddy, a close friend of Queen Elizabeth II, is now known as Sir Buddington, KBE.
LONDON – Call him sir!
Buddy the Cat was officially knighted on Friday during a ceremony at Buckingham Palace, granting him the title Knight of the British Empire and making him the most-honored cat in the Anglosphere since Able Seaman Simon, the decorated ship’s cat who was injured aboard the HMS Amethyst in 1949.
It’s unusual for an American to be knighted and unprecedented for a cat to be elevated to knighthood, but Buddy was honored “for his innumerable contributions to human-feline understanding, unprecedented innovations in the art of napping, and status as tastemaker supreme in the world of delicious snacks,” according to the Central Chancery of the Orders of Knighthood at St James’s Palace.
Buddy has become a trusted confidante of Queen Elizabeth II, royal insiders noted, and the two speak by telephone for at least 15 minutes each week.
“Her Majesty grew to appreciate Sir Buddy’s counsel in trying times,” a palace insider said. “In return, she advised Sir Buddy to keep a stiff upper lip during the Great Turkey Shortage of early 2021.”
Palace sources say the queen refers to her feline friend as “my dearest Buddington,” and often addresses him by the familiar “Bud-Bud.” Sir Buddy is also said to be close with Prince William.
Official portrait of Sir Buddy, KBE. Credit: Royal portraitist Eldar Zakirov.
In addition to the knighthood, which entitles the American cat to refer to himself as Sir Buddy, KBE, the Crown gifted holdings including a cat-size palace on Buckingham grounds, as well as a country estate in Oxfordshire.
The estate’s central manor, Budsworth House, has 32 rooms, 86 couches, a dozen fireplaces and at least 16 antique litter boxes. The grounds are home to sprawling gardens featuring feline-centric statuary and boxes made of stone, as well as guest cottages for human and feline visitors.
One of 14 statues of Sir Buddy that decorate the grounds and gardens of Budsworth House.
Rumors that Sir Buddy would be created Buddy, Earl of Buddington, did not come to fruition, although royal experts say an earldom is not off the table for the Queen’s favorite feline.
“Her Majesty is quite fond of Bud-Bud and was delighted when a parcel arrived with a Christmas card and a framed photograph of the two of them together,” a palace sources said. “In fact, Prince George and Princess Charlotte refer to Sir Buddy as ‘Uncle Bud-Bud.’ So in a sense, Sir Buddy is already part of the family.”
“I want my human to lick me with a rubber tongue!” said no cat ever.
Dear Buddy,
I know your advice column is meant for cats, but I thought you’d make an exception for a human who seeks your wise and benevolent guidance, Oh Great Handsome One, for who else is as smart and perceptive as Buddy?
My question is: Should I buy a Licki? You know, one of those silicon rubber “tongues” with spikes that are supposed to mimic a kitty’s bristled tongue. I’d like to bond with my cat, and according to the people who make the Licki, grooming my kitty just like a momma cat is the best way to bond.
What do you think?
– Human In Hawkins, Indiana
Dear HiHi,
Oh hell no!
Big Buddy bought one of those things and creeped up on me all stealth-like when I was taking a nap one day. One second I’m dreaming about bountiful feasts with endless roast turkey, the next I’m waking up to that daft two-legs dragging a rubber tongue back and forth through my fur, looking like an epileptic seal.
I thought I was being attacked by a porcupine dipped in crazy glue! Once I realized what was happening, I gave Big Buddy a hard paw smack and bit his hand for emphasis: Get that weak shit out of my personal space!
Horrific and embarrassing for everyone involved. Don’t. Just don’t.
So no, don’t buy a Licki. You’ll just waste $25 on a piece of rubber that makes your cats loathe you. Instead, provide massages on-demand and step your treats game up. Now that is something your kitties will appreciate.
– Buddy out
“Get it away from me!”This poor cat looks traumatized. He should smack his human like I did.
Pain In The Bud 