Feline Overlords – Page 58

Niplords Unite At Meow-a-Largo As Heisenpurrg Threat Looms

The nip trade is threatened by a new product, Blue Sky Temptations.

MIAMI — Forming a tenuous alliance to combat an existential threat to their hold on the feline illegal narcotics market, the western hemisphere’s most prolific niplords gathered for a summit at Meow-a-Largo on Friday.

The fact that Los Gatos, the Cattazio crime family and the Buddy Organization gathered under one roof without the threat of spray salvos, hissing or violent clawing served to underscore how seriously the niplords are taking the emergence of a new narcotic on the street, and the shadowy players pushing it on young kittens and adult cats alike.

The new product, Blue Sky Temptations, has taken the country by storm, laying waste to entire communities of cats with its unprecedented purity and addictive potential.

“Rumor has it a fella named Heisenpurrg is behind the Blue Sky,” said Anthony “Fat Tony” Purrtelini, the recently jail-broken capo of the Cattazio family. “We got our guys shakin’ down the neighborhoods for more information on this Heisenpurrg.”

Pawblo Escobar, the mercurial leader of the Gatos’ Medellín Hierba Gatera, shook his head.

“Is just a name, this Heisenpurrg,” he said quietly. “We don’t know the first thing about this pendejo, yeah?”

“Das right, patrón,” said Escobar’s most trusted lieutenant, Furrnando Prado. “He’s a ghost.”

Purrposition Joe, the Baltimore-based nip OG who brokered the tenuous peace between the attending parties, raised both paws, signaling the others to let him meow. Springer Bell and Brother Pawzone, two other cats from the Baltimore contingent, slapped their paws on the table to get everycat’s attention.

Heisenpurrg’s minions, Purrposition Joe reminded the other niplords, were all over the streets pushing “free samples” of the Blue Sky to get cats addicted. Tracking down Heisenpurrg, he said, should be as easy as interrogating cats up the ladder until they lead to the big bosses.

“The question isn’t ‘Are we going to find this guy?'” Purrposition Joe said, pausing to flick kibble crumbs off his belly. “The question, gentlemen, is what are we going to do about him when we do find him?”

All eyes turned toward the back of the room where a lone cat sat in darkness, a silent silhouette for the duration of the meeting.

“That’s a question for the most brutal of us, hermano,” Escobar said, looking at the shadowy figure at the end of the table.

The mysterious cat leaned forward, his face moving into the light, revealing long whiskers, grey-white fur and subtle grey tabby stripes.

“Leave that to me, gentlemen,” the grey tabby said quietly. “When I’m done with him, Heisenpurrg will be nothing more than yesterday’s kibble upchucked on the carpet. Muahahaha!”

RIP Bob: The Street Cat Who Saved Lives

Bob the Street Cat represented hope, second chances and the unconditional love between humans and animals.

Back in 1 AB (that’s After Bud, for those of you who don’t use the Buddesian Calendar) my mom got me a copy of A Streetcat Named Bob, which told the story of a recovering heroin addict and the cat who literally walked into his life.

James Bowen was in a rehab program and was living for the first time in his own apartment when the injured but insistent orange tabby showed up at his door. Though dirt poor, Bowen scraped together enough money from busking — playing his guitar in public for tips — to bring Bob to the veterinarian and buy the basics he’d need to care for the cat.

After adjusting to life inside the apartment with James, Bob decided one day he’d accompany his human to work, which for James meant standing outside major metro hubs and hawking a magazine called The Big Issue. For our readers who aren’t familiar with the magazine, The Big Issue exclusively employs the homeless and the struggling as magazine vendors, offering them an opportunity for employment when they might not otherwise be able to secure it.

Bob turned out to be an unflappable cat, calmly riding on James’ shoulders as they took the bus to James’ assigned vendor location. Whether perched on James shoulder or standing next to him, Bob became a fixture by James’ side, handling the crowds and the interested passersby with a calm not usually associated with cats.

catbobjames — Bob riding the shoulder of his beloved human, James Bowen.

Soon word spread of the magazine salesman with “The Big Issue cat.” A local newspaper ran a story about James and Bob, then a few Youtubers visited the duo on the street, uploading videos of man and cat selling magazines and busking for extra money.

One of James and Bob’s biggest breaks came when Sir Paul McCartney heard their story and visited them in person as they were hawking magazines in London.

From there, as the Legend of Bob grew, a shrewd literary agent saw potential in the story of the recovering addict and the cat, and inked Bowen to a book deal. The rest is history: The book propelled James and his feline friend to stardom, leading to a handful of additional books, a cartoon and a 2016 movie about the duo.

“He taught me that I had to buckle up…because he was following me around and stuff like that, I had to take responsibility for him,” Bowen recalled in a 2016 interview. “I didn’t know it then, but the love that he was giving me was helping me to change my ways.”

For many people, the story of James and Bob represented not only the unconditional love between cat and human, but also hope and the promise of second chances in life.

Bud is no Bob — he’d run screaming at a book signing with hundreds lined up to greet him — and I’m no James, but my mom thought I’d enjoy the book because I was also going through a tough time when I adopted Buddy — though nothing as dramatic as James’ situation — and like James I found a measure of peace in taking care of my cat, which allowed me to look outward and gave me a responsibility that took my mind off my own problems.

catbobbowen — Actor Luke Treadaway, left, who played James Bowen, right, in the movie based on Bowen’s book. Bob played himself!

After finishing the book I pulled up a few of the early videos of James and Bob on Youtube and, among the streetside interviews and other clips, I found a vid of James and Bob appearing on a British morning television show.

For the most part the interview went the way you’d expect those things to go: James and Bob were there to promote their book, James gave Bob a treat in exchange for a high-five, and the questions were rote.

All except one, when the male anchor turned to James and asked him if he’s thought about what he’ll do when Bob dies.

As his female co-anchor stared daggers at the man, James swallowed, hesitated, and said he doesn’t like to dwell on that thought, that he prefers to focus on the moment, being grateful for having Bob in his life and appreciating him.

Street Cat Bob On The Big Issue — Bob became an international celebricat, with his book tour taking him and James to Japan and other countries.

At the time the eventuality of Bob’s death seemed remote. No one was sure how old Bob really was, but veterinarians estimated he was eight or nine years old.

Now, at age 14, Bob has passed away.

Bob’s fans are legion: They lined up in their hundreds and thousands for his book tours, they sent thousands of scarves as gifts to the orange tabby and they made him the most celebrated cat in the UK.

Now they’re flooding The Big Issue with condolences and letters about Bob, and we hope James takes comfort from the fact that his little buddy touched so many lives.

Bowen, understandably, is devastated.

“There’s never been a cat like him. And never will again,” he said. “I feel like the light has gone out in my life. I will never forget him.”

For the rest of us, it’s a reminder that our cats are only with us a short while, and that there will come a day when we wish they’re still around to annoy us by jumping on our keyboards or rousing us from sleep with urgent meows for breakfast.

Appreciate them. Love them. And pay attention to them, which is all they really want from us.

RIP Bob, 20?? – 2020

Buddy Denounces ‘Cat World Domination Day’

Cats would never dream of overthrowing humans, Buddy assures the world’s humans.

NEW YORK — Buddy the Cat called upon all other felines to join him in condemning “Cat World Domination Day,” which he called “a fake holiday invented by haters determined to sully the good name of cats.”

“Much like television shows like The Sopranos perpetuate stereotypes about Italian-Americans, Cat World Domination Day encourages the stereotyping of felines everywhere by portraying us as opportunistic, scheming little creatures who are planning the overthrow of our human serv…uh, friends,” Buddy said.

Cat World Domination Day was invented by “Sparkle the Cat,” a personality who was “obviously invented by dogs trying to make cats look bad,” according to Buddy.

The June 24 fake holiday celebrates the preposterous idea that cats are plotting the overthrow of human society in favor of a glorious new era of feline rule, an era of boxes in abundance, Temptations growing on trees and the ability to scratch any couch or chair with impunity.

“This idea that we’d want to take over the world is patently ridiculous,” Buddy said. “I want to assure our human friends: We have no intention of usurping your power or your place as the ruling species on this planet. You are totally in charge.”

The tabby cat and catnip cartel leader said it’s long been clear humans run things, and it will remain that way.

“Scooping litter boxes is a fun and rewarding activity,” he continued, “which is why, in every felino-human household, the humans fight amongst themselves for that privilege. We cats could scoop our own litter, but we voluntarily forgo the fun involved and make that sacrifice for our human friends.”

He cited his own close relationship with his human, Big Buddy, as an example.

“Big Buddy can’t sleep unless I’m draped over him like a blanket, so I make a sacrifice and use him as a mattress even though I’d prefer to sleep on my cold cat bed in a drafty corner of the room,” he said. “You think I like having my dinner delivered to me like I’m eating at a Michelin-starred restaurant? I don’t. It’s embarrassing. But my human wants to do it, and he’s completely in charge.”

The New York-based cat’s “Million Feline March” advocates for humans to “stay exactly where they are” on the ladder of power.

Mrs. Barbara Robinson of Salt Lake City, Utah, stood in the rain and shivered, holding an umbrella over her cat, Percy the Persian, as Percy addressed the million-strong felid gathering.

“I love Barbara, and I want to see her and her kind remain in charge,” Percy said, leaning into the podium microphone before he was interrupted.

“You don’t want to catch cold, dear,” Mrs. Robinson said, buttoning up Percy’s little coat and swaddling him in his scarf. “Who wants a snack? Does my little angel want a snack?”

After eating a revitalizing serving of salmon meaty sticks, Percy returned to the microphone.

“So as I was saying — umbrella a little to the left, Barbara, thanks — we will not stand by as humans are relegated to second-class status,” he boomed. “Humans run this world, and that’s how it’s always going to be.”

Greatest Countries, Ranked By Number of Buddy’s Readers

The primary measure of a country’s greatness is how many of its citizens love Buddy!

Hello and welcome to our first installment of Greatest Countries™, where we list the Greatest Countries In The World by using a single metric: How many people in those countries read Buddy’s blog.

There are many other measurements of a country’s greatness, but perhaps none is more important than how many of a country’s citizens read Pain In The Bud, perhaps the greatest publication of our generation.

Without further ado, let’s look at the list:

United States, 75 percent of Buddy’s readership. Buddy says: “Yuge numbers. Those are yuge, tremendous numbers, okay? The best. They really are. Buddy’s blog is the number one publication in the US, believe me. It’s a terrific blog. Naturally most of my readers hail from the US since our blog is written in the American language.”
United Kingdom, 6 percent of Buddy’s readership. Buddy says: “Why do these people speak like they’re Westerosi from Game of Thrones? Hello! Get an original accent! Nevertheless, readers are increasingly abandoning rubbish — like gossip about Prince Harry and Megan Markle — to read about a true celebrity, Buddy the Cat. A lot of people in the UK speak and read American, so naturally they read my blog.”
Harold and Meg, lesser celebrities of the UK.
Canada, 5 percent of Buddy’s readership: Buddy says: “Many people haven’t heard about this obscure vassal state to the US, but Buddy’s growing fanbase in this frozen wasteland is guaranteed to put Canada on the map, eh!”
Canadian citizens perform the Dance of Canada.
India, 4 percent of Buddy’s readership: Buddy says: “India is a country founded by the Indians after they fled North America. After finding a suitable home in southeast Asia, the many tribes of India decided totem poles and wigwams were no longer in fashion and spent vast amounts of money building temples to a new religion they called Hinduism, going to great lengths to make the architecture look ancient. They didn’t fool Buddy. Still, India loves Buddy and Buddy loves India.”
Australia, 2.7 percent of Buddy’s readership: Buddy says: “The Republic of Australia is a formerly landlocked European country that was moved to Oceania after it was decided that bordering Germany was not such a good idea. Australia was sparsely populated until the British started sending their prisoners to its first permanent settlement, Vienna. Cities like Sydney, Adelaide and Buddyopolis soon followed.”
Vienna, the capital of Australia.
South Africa, 1 percent of Buddy’s readership. Buddy says: “Almost 60 million people live in South Africa. Its capital is Cape Town, which earned its name after becoming the world’s foremost manufacturer and exporter of fashionable capes. South African readers should send some of those sweet capes Buddy’s way. He would look very handsome in them.”
France, 0.7 percent of Buddy’s readership. Buddy says: “Led by President Emmanuel Jean-Michel Baptiste Claude Durand Jean-Jacques Georges Frédéric Macron, France is known primarily for its outstanding wine and national edict that forbids shaving or bathing more frequently than every four days. France should be treated with skepticism because poodles, not cats, are the most popular animals in that country.”
Singapore, 0.6 percent of Buddy’s readership. Buddy says: “Home to awesome buildings, pristine streets and really good sandwiches, Singapore is a Greek city-state on its own island in the Aegean. Originally allied with Sparta during the Pelopponesian War, the Singaporites later flourished as a member of the Athenian Bowling League.”
Germany, 0.5 percent of Buddy’s readership. Buddy says: “This nation of die-hard Star Trek fans settled on Klingon as the official language. Germans are known primarily for their affinity for garden gnomes and their spectacularly efficient warp cores, which are the pride of Starfleet.”
A German coming-of-age ritual known as the Gluk’Thar Karthak das Lederhosen.
Netherlands, 0.3 percent of Buddy’s readership. Buddy says: “Is this the one where smoking catnip is legal? I don’t like that place. I like illegal catnip. It’s more profitable.”
New Zealand, 0.2 percent of Buddy’s readership. Buddy says: “Goodaye, mate! New Zealand is a tropical paradise and home of the famed Crocodile Hunter. That’s all I know about this country. Oh! And they also have really funny vampires. What We Do In The Shadows is one of my favorite movies!”
Japan, 0.2 percent of Buddy’s readership. Buddy says: “A proper country where people love cats. Japan has its priorities straight. Did you know cats are allowed to own and operate their own cafes in Japan? It’s true! Tokyo has many cat cafes.”
Cats are the proprietors of their own cafes in Japan!
Indonesia, 0.2 percent of Buddy’s readership. Buddy says: “Indonesia has some really awesome animals, like orangutans, which are like fuzzy humans with red hair. Indonesia also has cats.”
Turkey, 0.2 percent of Buddy’s readership. Buddy says: “A wonderland named after the most delicious food ever! I want to eat turkey in Turkey. Recently we learned that people in Turkey love cats, probably because cats love turkey. A match made in heaven.”
The official flag of Turkey, a wonderful nation.
The rest of the world. Buddy says: “Nigeria, Poland, Brazil, Romania, Switzerland, Greece, Norway, Ireland, Spain, Portugal, Hong Kong, Bangladesh, Pakistan, Belgium. All you guys have a lot of work to do! I want to see more hits from your countries, which will naturally increase your rankings. Except for Hong Kong. You guys take as long as you want, we know you have other priorities right now. We love Hong Kong!”
Hong Kong!

Earth’s Cats Reach Historic Accord With Aliens: Planet To Be Renamed Felinia

Humans and canines are the biggest losers as cats assert their dominion over the former Earth, now called Felinia.

NEW YORK — Earth’s cats and an alien race known as the Zxorxax reached a historic deal on Monday, transitioning Earth from de facto to actual feline leadership as the two sides agreed to a sweeping trade pact that will shape galactic politics for centuries to come.

Under the terms of the accord, the domestic shorthair tabby known as Chonkmatic the Magnificent — who led negotiations with the Zxorxax on behalf of all of Earth’s living beings — will be appointed Grand Purrbah of the Blue Planet, vesting him with absolute power as the sole sovereign of Felinia, formerly known as Earth.

In exchange for a 20-year deal granting the Zxorxax exclusive rights to Felinia’s greenhouse gases — which are considered a delicacy by the aliens — the Zxorxax have agreed to provide more than two billion boxes annually.

585442BD-EA35-4B13-ABF4-A5CBF8843B46 — An alien box manufactured by the Zxorxax.

The alien delegation, led by Zxorxax Supreme Chancellor Xoralundra, initially offered to share technological knowledge that would elevate humanity to a Type I civilization on the Kardashev Scale. That offer was rejected by the felines, who felt it would distract humanity from its primary mission of serving cats.

“The Zxorxaxian technology would have led to advances beyond our comprehension,” the felines acknowledged in a statement, “but at what cost? Less cuddle time? Fewer massages? The possibility of tardy lunch and dinner? Those costs were unacceptable to us.”

Humans weren’t the only ones to express displeasure with the deal.

“These duplicitous cats would have us believe they negotiated a good deal, a deal that would benefit all life on this planet, but instead they gave it all away for some measly boxes,” the planet’s canines said in a statement.

But “measly boxes” is a gross mischaracterization, said Mr. Socks, deputy director of communications for the new feline government.

“These are outstanding alien boxes manufactured to exacting specifications,” Mr. Socks told reporters. “They are bendable yet durable. Jumping inside them provides an overwhelming feeling of safety and privacy, as if we can see everyone else but no one can see us. They’re amazing.”

CE04A830-3681-4E11-9ED4-A6B59CE1E188 — Chonkmatic the Cat, Supreme Ruler of Felinia.

Humans, who were previously the most powerful species on the planet, were particularly incensed by a day-one edict from Chonkmatic the Grand Purrbah that immediately banned all doors and other barriers that would prevent feline access to human-built facilities.

“The insidious bathroom door is a thing of the past,” Chonkmatic the Magnificent said after announcing the ban. “No longer will my people be excluded from those mysterious rooms, relegated to crying and scratching at the door as callous humans refuse to allow them entry.”