The short clip shows just about everything wrong with cat shows.
Amid the subdued noise of the show, in which hundreds of people collectively try not to freak out the felines who definitely don’t want to be there, Beethoven — number 176 — was called up.
Anyone who knows anything about cats could tell little dude was not gonna do well.
“Beautiful coat, shiny, nice green eyes,” said a judge, a woman wearing cat ears.
Having exhausted her supply of superlatives, she ran a hand down Beethoven’s tail, then grabbed both his front legs from behind in a way I’ve never seen anyone try to move a cat and tried to spin him around.
Beethoven wasn’t having it.
The void unleashed a symphony of hisses, feints and dodges while trying to get away, but the judge — seriously, has she ever dealt with a cat before? — shoved him, then tried to grab him again as if the pointless evaluation could be saved.
That’s when The Conductor lunged in for a hard right paw-slap, leaving #177– a white chonkster on deck — with a look that said “Oh no he didn’t!”
Contestant 177 needs popcorn. Someone get this cat some popcorn!
“I need the owner here now,” the judge said, like a doctor snapping at a nurse for a scalpel as a patient’s blood pressure plummets on an operating table.
Beethoven was disqualified, but he should have gotten points. He should have gotten all the points.
Oh, people who participate in “cat fancy” will tell you their ridiculous soirees are really just social events for the feline-inclined, as if they don’t privately rage when their cats lose like Patrick Bateman stewing over the fact that Bryce prefers Van Patten’s business card to his own.
But seriously, what the hell is going on at these shows?
Most of them are celebrations of the cat world’s worst excesses, with people lugging their terrified $10,000 Savannahs, $4,000 Bengals, currently out-of-fashion Persians and other breed cats to gymnasiums or hotel ballrooms where they’re mishandled, judged like collector’s items and measured against absurd arbitrary standards written by God-knows-who.
The breed standards read like wine descriptions in obnoxious catalogues: “The tail should be long and sturdy, powerful yet restrained like a rhinoceros in a steel cage. The coat should be of moderate length and silky, yet not so shiny as to invite comparisons to the Arkenstone of Thráin, that wondrous jewel. The head should be angular, recalling the good old days of colonial occupation in Siam when elegant men and women would lounge in opulent royal palaces enjoying stiff cocktails as the locals fanned them. The paws should leave tigerian pug marks, but the toes should not be arranged so close together as to appear inartful…”
The insanity of it makes me want to pose as a judge, grabbing a cat and taking a deep huff from its behind as horrified cat fanciers look on.
“I get notes of summer in New York, rotting garbage and the perpetual smell of urine on the 6 line. Hints of jasmine, cinnamon and Temptations Seafood Medley filtered through the miraculous feline intestinal system! The flavor profile is ecstatic. Oh! The aftertaste! Bitter yet triumphant!”
Except for the non-breed portion of the show, which you get the impression is treated like a non-televised undercard fight at a UFC event, the participants are basically big-upping cats who come from breeders, holding them up as the feline ideal while allowing a few scraps to fall off the table for those dirty little moggies who were the result of two cats voluntarily copulating, not some breeder putting Big Tom and Queen #7 in a cage together until BT puts one in the bun.
Ew, a shelter cat!
You know what I say to these cat shows and their judges? Look at this dude! Look at him! Behold his handsomeness:
Not only is he charming and ridiculously good looking, his office has many leather-bound books and smells of rich mahogany. Cat judges, eat your hearts out!
Sir Buddy’s fortunes have risen dramatically, while Prince Harry’s future looks bleak.
LOS ANGELES — Buddy the Cat, rumored to be on the short list for a dukedom after establishing a warm friendship with the late Queen Elizabeth II in recent years, has been spotted in the company of the Duchess of Sussex, per TMZ.
Photographs and surreptitiously-recorded footage show the handsome silver tabby and Meghan Markle enjoying a cozy private karaoke session with friends over the holiday. Later they were seen getting close at Dorsia, the ultra-exclusive Manhattan eatery where A-listers rub elbows with investment bankers and cabinet secretaries.
Prince Harry is said to be “enraged” and “deeply wounded,” not only that his wife is enjoying the company of a desirable bachelor, “but also because he thinks it would be really awesome to hang out with Sir Buddy, and he feels left out,” a royal insider said on condition of anonymity. Notably, the prince has not been able to secure a reservation at Dorsia.
The famed feline was knighted Sir Buddy by the late queen in 2021. He was created Earl of Budderset the following year in what palace insiders called a “meteoric rise” in favor with the royal family.
He had become a trusted confidante to Her Majesty, with the two parties speaking by telephone weekly and Buddy earning the endearing diminutive “my dearest Bud-Bud” from her. With his soft fur and playful nature, he’s also a favorite of young Princess Charlotte and Prince George, forming fast friendships with the rest of the family.
Markle was spotted at a popular LA nightclub with the famous feline in December of 2023.
Then the Sussexes resigned as “working royals” amid controversy and left the UK for Los Angeles. Shortly after, Prince Andrew was swiftly disowned for his role in the Jeffrey Epstein scandal. With the palace looking to take the focus off that unpleasantness, royal observers and palace stalwarts alike named Sir Buddy as a likely candidate for elevation to dukedom.
With Earl Buddy in favor and her current husband persona non grata, Markle may be eyeing the next rung on the ladder, said Gavin Northbridge, a royal observer and author of Your Highness: The Royal Family’s Favorite Marijuana Strains.
Paparazzi have also photographed the Duchess and her feline companion at an exclusive Los Angeles nightclub, an art gallery opening in the Hollywood Hills and a trendy restaurant. Prince Harry, who burned bridges with his family via a series of high-profile interviews and an autobiography, Spare, was nowhere to be seen in the photos.
“Here he is making himself vulnerable with his book, speaking out about the injustices done to him by his family, and his wife is out fraternizing with a handsome young bachelor,” said Devon Camden Dankworth, author of Grand Tyromancy: The Royal Family’s Secret History of Cheese Divination.
If King Charles follows through on his mother’s plans and grants his feline friend a dukedom, it would instantly render the current Earl of Budderset the most powerful member of the British aristocracy. The king has already thrown his enthusiastic support behind the earl’s charity, Food For Buddies, which provides delicious meals to London’s stray cats.
Markle and Sir Buddy in a trendy LA restaurant.
In an honor unprecedented at the time, Sir Buddy was knighted in 2021 “for his innumerable contributions to human-feline understanding, unprecedented innovations in the art of napping, and status as tastemaker supreme in the world of delicious snacks,” according to the Central Chancery of the Orders of Knighthood at St James’s Palace.
Since then, he’s further endeared himself to the British public by starring in ads for Aston Martin and his own detective series, The London Underfoot.
“If you’re Meghan, a future with Harry looks bleak,” said Dankworth, “but a future with Buddy looks absolutely delicious.”
Today is a Festivus for the rest of us! Get out tbe Festivus pole and prepare for the Feats of Strength and the Airing of Grievances!
Happy Festivus!
December 23 marks the famously anti-consumerist holiday, and this year is the 27th Festivus since it became a national holiday thanks to the Seinfeld episode “The Strike,” which aired on Dec. 18, 1997.
Before that, it was the invention and personal holiday of Daniel O’Keefe, a Reader’s Digest editor. His son Dan, a writer for Seinfeld, introduced Festivus to the rest of us by making it a focal point of the episode.
Festivus is enthusiastically celebrated at la casa de Buddy, providing Little Buddy the opportunity to engage in the Airing of Grievances and, as is tradition, tell everyone how they’ve disappointed him over the past year.
Buddy the Cat with George, Elaine, Jerry and Kramer in the season five episode “The Litter Box.” In the episode, Buddy, Kramer and Kramer’s friend Bob Saccamano scheme to charge felines entry to the beach, billing it as a “luxury litter box.”
With that, we’ll turn it over to Little Buddy’s list of Grievances. No one is spared.
Big Buddy: For being insufficiently devastated when I got sick a few months ago. I expected more tears. Do better next time.
PITB readers: It has recently come to my attention that some of you are laughing at me, not with me. This disturbing news has caused me to question whether you’re being honest when you send correspondence praising my ripped physique or insisting I should be president of the Americats again.
The Internet: For not making me as famous as I should be.
Big Buddy: For being a vegetarian and not having extra turkey in the house!
Big Buddy and PITB readers (again) for tolerating stories about non-cat species and cats who aren’t Buddy! Who cares about owls in Central Park and chonky cats in Poland? This is littlebuddythecat.com NOT fatpolishcats.com!
Quinn the cat has “the uncanny ability to make people feel unwelcome in her presence!”
Quinn the cat lives separate from feline genpop, she doesn’t suffer fools and she’s got a well-documented habit of smacking people, cats and dogs.
The infamously disagreeable feline is up for adoption and the shelter where she lives has been up front about her unique personality, saying she might do well with a misanthrope who would appreciate Quinn’s dislike of any visitors and intolerance for anyone who doesn’t directly serve her.
“Tired of visitors coming to your house? Adopt Quinn! She has an uncanny ability to make people feel unwelcome in her presence!” shelter staff wrote in Quinn’s adoption post.
Yet they’re confident there’s a home for Quinn, insisting that “surely there’s someone out there who would appreciate her icy stare and her sudden smacks!”
Of course Quinn could blossom into a happy, sweet cat once she’s living in her forever home and she realizes she’s not going back to the shelter or the streets. Most cats do poorly in shelters where fear and stress overwrite their usual personalities. Even the most outgoing, sweet cat can appear depressed and antisocial when locked in a cage most of the time, without people to love them, play with them and make them feel safe.
Quinn’s direct adoption page (scroll down to adoptable cats) says she’s three years old and wasn’t claimed by her owner, so who knows what kind of traumas she may have endured in her short life?
Quinn currently lives in the shelter’s office where she “rules with an iron paw.” Anyone interested in adopting her should ask for her by name, the shelter said. Contact the shelter at the link above or by calling 301-733-2060.
Pain In The Bud 