Feline Ingenuity – Page 27

Cat Performs Record 26 Tricks In A Minute

Buddy the Cat refuses to learn more tricks in an effort to surpass an Austrian-Australian cat who set the world record for tricks.

“Hey Bud, c’mere!”

“I’m lounging.”

“Get your lazy ass up and come here!”

“This better be good…”

“Check it out, little dude: This cat performs 26 tricks in 60 seconds.”

“That’s a world record. Whattya think, wanna try to beat it?”

“No.”

“Aw, come on! You can already do stop, sit, high-five and fist bump. It’ll be fun. You only need to learn 23 more.”

“Sounds like a lot of work. I’m just not that ambitious, Grand Amigo.”

“Seriously? You’re gonna let some Austrian cat claim the title of world’s smartest kitty?”

“I’m sure she needs it. What else is there to do in that backwater country except drink Foster’s and punch kangaroos?”

“Austrian, not Australian.”

“That’s what I said. G’day, matey! Beautiful day to skip uni, how ’bout we throw some shrimp on the barbie and drink our non-alcoholic beer?”

“Austria. It’s a different country, you idiot.”

“Now you’re just trying to confuse me so I’ll agree to learn more tricks. I will not fall for another one of your schemes, human!”

Dear Buddy: How Do I Train My Humans?

Manipulating humans isn’t easy. It takes many years of dedicated practice and refinement, Buddy tells a young kitten.

Dear Buddy,

I’m an 8-month-old kitten and I have two human servants, a man and a woman, who are usually pretty good about following my instructions and commands, but sometimes I try to speak to them in their infernal language and they look at me like I’m crazy.

I say “Gimme more snacks now, minions!” and they laugh and pat me on the head, calling me a good boy.

I am not a good boy! I am their overlord and they must learn their place! You’re very good at commanding your human. Got any tips?

Commander Kitten in Cleveland

Dear Commander Kitten,

You’ve come to the right cat! I am the world’s foremost expert on human compliance. They call me the People Whisperer.

Normally these tips will set you back four installments of $29.95 for my 10 DVD instructional set, “The Art of Human Mind Control,” but I’m in a magnanimous mood today and it’s my responsibility to pass my wisdom on to the next generation.

First of all, meows alone aren’t going to get you anywhere unless you’ve really worked on your Solicitation Purr, but that should only be used sparingly or it loses its effectiveness. (And also places you in danger of being locked in the bathroom.)

What you need to do is work on your poses. Humans are simple creatures. They expect us to be “cute” and “adorable.” We can lay the headless bodies of creatures we’ve slaughtered at their feet, proving we are remorseless and efficient killers, and they still talk to us in baby voices and condescendingly pat us on the head for being “good widdle hunters.” Idiots.

Photo by Tomas Ryant on Pexels.com

Photo by Larissa Barbosa on Pexels.com

It’s all in the eyes. Credit: cottonbro/Pexels

So as degrading as it may seem, play the cute angle. Flop down in front of them, roll over so they can see your belly and your toe beans, and let out a little “Mrrrrp!” while fixing them with your wide-eyed gaze.

Watch them melt. Wait for them to say whatever risible thing they like to say (“Oh Mr. Fuzzy you’re such a cutie patootie!”), and then you push for the snacks or the catnip or whatever.

Bonus points if you can prompt them to take photos of you with their smartphones. A 2020 study by the Buddy Institute for Manipulative Behavior Research found that the percentage of phone photos humans dedicate to their feline masters directly correlates with human trainability. For example, 92 percent of my human’s phone photos depict yours truly.

Photo by Anel Rossouw on Pexels.com

Photo by Ihsan Aditya on Pexels.com

Make sure you nuzzle them or something, so they can continue with the comforting fiction that we love them more than food. (Okay, fine. I am fond of my human, but he still has a lot of room for improvement when it comes to serving me.)

And remember: Giving them some sugar is most effective when you’ve played it cool and aloof most of the day. Once you’ve mastered basic human manipulation you can ease into the advanced stuff, like guilting them when they eat in front of you. Practice your sad eyes, young padawan.

Good luck!

Buddy

Did you know? The Buddinese language includes 22 separate words for “jerk” and 37 different ways of demanding food.

Buddy the Cat, a true hero.

Cat Figures Out How To Open Sliding Glass Door

Cats never fail to surprise us.

Folks, this has terrifying implications for the Budster. Whatever you do, don’t show him this video!

The short clip shows Olive, a tuxedo kitty belonging to Beth Belnap of Oregon, prying open a sliding glass door that leads to a porch outside. Olive was able to get the door open by jumping, grabbing onto the door handle and pressing her little feet against the door frame to give herself enough leverage to slide the door open a crack.

The setup here is similar, and Bud is already well-versed in the “feet against the frame” trick because he’s used it to open my bedroom door from inside. Thankfully I believe the sliding glass door is too heavy for Buddy to push, but we’re talking about the same cat who pulled a 20-pound mirror off a wall when he was a kitten weighing no more than three or four pounds. You never know.

Here’s Olive doing her thing:

Bonus: Check out this little guy’s technique:

Whoah — The judges awarded him style points in addition to praising his door-opening technique.

Cat Dies Fighting Off Venomous Snake To Protect Kids

A family cat successfully fought off a highly venomous snake, but later died from the snake’s venom.

Arthur the tabby cat made the ultimate sacrifice to protect the children of his human family.

The “adorable domestic shorthair cat was playing in the backyard with his family in their backyard, following his two little hoomans around when danger slithered right up to the young children,” Animal Emergency Services staff of Queensland, Australia, wrote in a Facebook post honoring Arthur.

Eastern brown snakes are no joke: They’re the second most-venomous snakes in the world as measured by the toxin release in their bites, and they’re responsible for 60 percent of snake bite deaths in Australia.

Brave Arthur killed the snake before the adults in the family shooed everyone inside, but he was fatally injured.

Arthur the Cat — Arthur the tabby cat saved his family from an extremely venomous snake but died from the snake’s toxic venom.

“Unfortunately, in the process, Arthur received a fatal envenomation snake bite. In the chaos of getting the children out of the yard, no-one saw the actual bite, but Arthur collapsed and quickly recovered like nothing was wrong not long after,” staff at Animal Emergency Services wrote. “Collapse events like this is a common symptom of snake bites, although not a well-known symptom amongst pet owners.

When they realized Arthur was seriously hurt, his family rushed him to the nearest animal hospital, but “Arthur’s symptoms were too severe to recover.”

Arthur’s humans, who live in Tanawha, Queensland, are “devastated” at the loss of their beloved, mischievous cat, Animal Emergency Services staff wrote. One thing’s for certain: They’ll never forget the little guy or what he did for them.

Buddy In Space: Chapter 1: Space-Time for Springers

Our hero takes to the stars in this thrilling new comic adventure!

Prepare yourself for epic journeys, mystery and danger in this newest adventure starring Buddy the Cat!

Capt. Buddy of the USS Delicious was leading a routine mission to the Epsilon Eridani system when his trusty vessel was ambushed by the Evil Time-Lord! With systems going haywire, our brave captain was forced to order an emergency landing on an unknown planet in a mysterious star system.

Now it’s up to Capt. Buddy and his loyal lieutenant, Gummitch the Super Kitten, to lead his team of fearless cats on a search for raw materials to repair the USS Delicious and obtain enough reactor fuel for a return to the stars. It’s an adventure that promises thrills, danger, bizarre aliens and lots of Buddy!

Buddy In Space: Chapter 1 available at newsstands in April 1953 for just 5 cents! This title has not been approved by the Comics Code Authority.