fake news – Page 7 – Pain In The Bud

Dear Buddy: What Kind Of Workout Can A Feline Do To Look As Meowscular As You?

Buddy didn’t get his ripped body by just laying around doing nothing. He also ate a lot of snacks to meet his protein requirements!

Dear Buddy,

I want to be as ripped and meowscular as you are. What’s your secret, Oh Great One? How do you pack on so much meowscle mass and walk around looking like Thor if Thor were a cat?

Buddy taking a break between reps at the gym.

Buddy flexing powerfully as he readies for another set of bench presses.

Respectfully,

Awestruck in Arlington

Dear Awestruck,

It’s true, I’m pretty ripped. It’s not Photoshop either. Those are 100% real feline meowscles.

I’d say you should set realistic goals for yourself first. Half of it’s genetics, and as you know I’m a Buddinese Tiger. We’re a particularly buff breed of cat.

But if you’re committed and don’t mind rigorous workouts, you can make gains like I have, my friend! They’re the result of a grueling regimen of eating, sleeping and working out.

I break my fast first thing after waking up by screeching at my human for meowscle-building treats, which are high in protein. I usually do a light workout by making a few laps around the house, then it’s time for First Nap so I can solidify my gains and let my body heal.

The rest of the day must run like a precisely tuned machine. It’s absolutely essential that you force yourself to set aside long periods of doing absolutely nothing in order for your muscles to heal and grow.

For example, after Third Snack I like to work my abdominal muscles by having my human dangle the wand toy above me when I’m laying on my back, allowing me to perform sets of rabbit kicks. When I’m feeling the burn I do another lap, maybe chirp at some birds, and then it’s nap time again to consolidate the gains and replenish my stores of energy.

Another great workout is what I call box jumps, which are exactly what they sound like: jumping in and out of boxes.

After 7th Nap and 10th Snack I’m usually wiped, which is when it’s time for pre-bedtime sleep using my human as a pillow. His body heat helps me burn more calories and fuel meowscle growth.

It’s a daunting regimen, but if you’re committed you can look like a Catdonis just like me!

Your friend,

Buddy the Beefcake

Report: Buddy Spotted With Meghan Markle, Prince Harry Furious

Sir Buddy’s fortunes have risen dramatically, while Prince Harry’s future looks bleak.

LOS ANGELES — Buddy the Cat, rumored to be on the short list for a dukedom after establishing a warm friendship with the late Queen Elizabeth II in recent years, has been spotted in the company of the Duchess of Sussex, per TMZ.

Photographs and surreptitiously-recorded footage show the handsome silver tabby and Meghan Markle enjoying a cozy private karaoke session with friends over the holiday. Later they were seen getting close at Dorsia, the ultra-exclusive Manhattan eatery where A-listers rub elbows with investment bankers and cabinet secretaries.

Prince Harry is said to be “enraged” and “deeply wounded,” not only that his wife is enjoying the company of a desirable bachelor, “but also because he thinks it would be really awesome to hang out with Sir Buddy, and he feels left out,” a royal insider said on condition of anonymity. Notably, the prince has not been able to secure a reservation at Dorsia.

The famed feline was knighted Sir Buddy by the late queen in 2021. He was created Earl of Budderset the following year in what palace insiders called a “meteoric rise” in favor with the royal family.

He had become a trusted confidante to Her Majesty, with the two parties speaking by telephone weekly and Buddy earning the endearing diminutive “my dearest Bud-Bud” from her. With his soft fur and playful nature, he’s also a favorite of young Princess Charlotte and Prince George, forming fast friendships with the rest of the family.

Buddy and Meghan Markle — Markle was spotted at a popular LA nightclub with the famous feline in December of 2023.

Then the Sussexes resigned as “working royals” amid controversy and left the UK for Los Angeles. Shortly after, Prince Andrew was swiftly disowned for his role in the Jeffrey Epstein scandal. With the palace looking to take the focus off that unpleasantness, royal observers and palace stalwarts alike named Sir Buddy as a likely candidate for elevation to dukedom.

With Earl Buddy in favor and her current husband persona non grata, Markle may be eyeing the next rung on the ladder, said Gavin Northbridge, a royal observer and author of Your Highness: The Royal Family’s Favorite Marijuana Strains.

Paparazzi have also photographed the Duchess and her feline companion at an exclusive Los Angeles nightclub, an art gallery opening in the Hollywood Hills and a trendy restaurant. Prince Harry, who burned bridges with his family via a series of high-profile interviews and an autobiography, Spare, was nowhere to be seen in the photos.

“Here he is making himself vulnerable with his book, speaking out about the injustices done to him by his family, and his wife is out fraternizing with a handsome young bachelor,” said Devon Camden Dankworth, author of Grand Tyromancy: The Royal Family’s Secret History of Cheese Divination.

If King Charles follows through on his mother’s plans and grants his feline friend a dukedom, it would instantly render the current Earl of Budderset the most powerful member of the British aristocracy. The king has already thrown his enthusiastic support behind the earl’s charity, Food For Buddies, which provides delicious meals to London’s stray cats.

In an honor unprecedented at the time, Sir Buddy was knighted in 2021 “for his innumerable contributions to human-feline understanding, unprecedented innovations in the art of napping, and status as tastemaker supreme in the world of delicious snacks,” according to the Central Chancery of the Orders of Knighthood at St James’s Palace.

Since then, he’s further endeared himself to the British public by starring in ads for Aston Martin and his own detective series, The London Underfoot.

“If you’re Meghan, a future with Harry looks bleak,” said Dankworth, “but a future with Buddy looks absolutely delicious.”

Interview With Buddy, The Cat Who Saved A Dog From Two Coyotes

Buddy has been hailed as a hero after he valorously fought off two coyotes to save his dog friend.

Many thousands of Americans have heard the now-viral story about a cat who saved a dog from a vicious coyote attack, but did you know that fearless feline is none other than Buddy the Cat?

We were lucky enough to catch up with Buddy and interview him about his famous feat of extraordinary bravery, as well as what life’s like for him now that he’s become a feline celebrity.

Q: First of all, thanks for speaking to us. We know you’ve got a lot of interview requests and you’re so hot right now, so we appreciate you taking the time.

Buddy: Anytime. It’s true, so many people want a piece of Buddy the Brave these days that it’s beginning to mess with my napping schedule, but I think it’s important to speak out on topics like this.

Q: Well said! So why don’t you take us through the chain of events. What preceded this vicious coyote attack, and how did you become involved?

Buddy: Well I was visiting my friend — and yes, cats can be friends with inferior animals like dogs! — when I caught movement out of the corner of my eye. I have incredible vision, as you know. And as the coyotes were sneaking up I just kind of raised a paw and flexed my bicep. Usually that’s enough to make ’em think twice, you know?

Q: But these coyotes didn’t heed your warning?

Buddy: Unfortunately, no. They were licking their lips and set on attacking my buddy, and Buddy does not take kindly to anyone attacking my buddies, you know what I mean?

Q: Those coyotes clearly didn’t know who they were dealing with. So that’s when they attacked?

Buddy: Exactly. For a hot second I was in shock, you know? I’m thinking ‘Did they not just see me flex? Is it possible they didn’t see how ripped I am?’ But then I heard my friend yelp in pain and I just sprang into action without regard for my own safety.

Q: That’s very heroic of you.

Buddy: Isn’t it?

Q: So what would you say to detractors who claim the cat in the video has black fur and is not a gray tabby?

Buddy: They’re conspiracy theorists, like people who think the Earth is hexagonal and Big Catnip is out to get kitties hooked. You know, it’s a black and white security camera, and I move so fast that I’m a blur, so I can understand how people are confused.

Q: And the people who claim this happened in Oklahoma?

Buddy: Fake news. Obviously it happened in New York.

Q: Obviously. Well we don’t want to take any more of your precious time, but we just want to thank you, Buddy. You’re a real Americat hero!

Buddy: Yes I am!

Buddy The Cat’s New Year’s Meowin’ Eve!

Join tens of thousands of other cats and ring in the New Year in style with your favorite feline music artists and comedians!

Tune into Channel Noine for Buddy the Cat’s New Year’s Meowin’ Eve with coverage beginning at 8 p.m.!

Host Buddy the Cat will take you straight into the New Year with performances by Clawplay, human-felino boy band Six Harmonies, comedian Bill Purr, rock legends The Pawlice and many more!

Featuring the one and only huge ball of yarn that will drop at midnight.

What better way to ring in the New Year and start 2024 off with a bang? Happy New Year!

Host Buddy the Cat

The Pawlice

Thousands of cats will gather in Times Square for the festivities.

Clawplay

Thousands of cats will gather in Times Square for the festivities.

Six Harmonies, the first feline-human boy band.

Comedian Bill Purr

Buddy’s Cat Café Offers Cat Lovers A Chance To Pet And Feed Buddy

Buddy the Cat’s latest scheme makes him the main — and only — attraction at a new cat cafe, where customers fuss over him and feed him all day.

NEW YORK — The Big Apple’s newest cat cafe is doing a brisk business, offering cat lovers a new twist on the relaxing feline-and-coffee combo.

Instead of a typical cat cafe which could feature a dozen or more adoptable cats to interact with, Buddy’s Café and Catnip Lounge features one cat: Buddy, its proprietor.

For just $5 customers can come inside, enjoy a cup of coffee and spend their time petting and feeding Buddy. A separate menu offers a range of treats and catnip products which they can purchase to lavish on the gray tabby cat.

“It’s not easy being a one-cat operation, but I’m dedicated to my customers by making sure they can feed me and pet me as much as they want,” Buddy said as the cafe began to fill up.

buddyhiphop — Buddy posing with regulars for Freestyle Fridays at Buddy’s Cat Cafe. Many young musicians come to Buddy for advice, as well as to pet and feed him.

By late afternoon several groups were seated at tables situated around a dais where Buddy stretched and yawned on a Roman-style chaise longue.

“Please, ladies, there’s enough of me to go around,” Buddy told a pair of customers who were arguing over which one of them was petting the feline first. “Sandra, why don’t you scratch behind my ears? Ah, that’s wonderful! Kim, my chin is free for scritches. Yes. You see? We can all get along.”

buddycatcafecrowd — Buddy with students from Mrs. Nakamura’s fourth-grade class. The students come to Buddy’s Cat Cafe once a month to visit, feed and fawn over their feline friend.

Buddy was able to prevent another argument when he announced he needed to use his litter box and four customers volunteered to carry him there. He gestured toward a gilded palanquin in the corner of the room which was carved with elaborate feline motifs.

“You can each take a corner and carry me,” he said, settling himself down on the palanquin’s cushion. “You are all privileged today, my human servants.”

Buddy’s Cat Café even offers a VIP-tier membership package, the Frequent Feeder Program. Frequent Feeders are given priority seating closest to Buddy and are the first permitted to feed him snacks and give him massages during the afternoon rush.

“Buddy so kawaii!” said one admirer, Hideshi Igawa. “I like to read shinbun and admire Budditsu.”

Not everything always runs smoothly at the cafe, however. Earlier this week a man entered claiming to be “Buddy’s human” and demanded the beloved feline “stop this ridiculousness and come home.” Buddy looked skeptically at the man and pretended not to know him.

“Sir, you’re going to have to buy a cup of coffee like everyone else and wait your turn,” said 27-year-old Kelly Hogan, a regular at the cafe. “Buddy, do you know this man?”

Buddy looked at his Big Buddy and pretended not to recognize him.

“I don’t,” he said. “Security, toss this troublemaker out! He’s trying to cut the line, and I won’t have my regular customers disturbed!”

Big Buddy screamed at his cat as two burly men dragged him out.

“I’ll get you for this, you little $#!+!” he yelled as the men tossed him out the front door. “No bed, no snuggles, no TURKEY!”

Buddy turned back toward his customers and cleared his throat.

“Where were we? Ah, yes. Little Jeffrey here was scratching my back, his mother was feeding me crunchy treats, and Mrs. Novello was next up with a bag of catnip. Let’s get back into it, shall we? People are waiting patiently!”