Dogs – Page 6 – Pain In The Bud

Cats and the Art of Not Caring

Your petty human concerns are beneath us!

“Any dog’s a good dog, as long as you’re not a psycho.”

So says Bill Burr in an extended confessional rant about dogs picking up on their humans’ moods.

“I didn’t realize they feed off your vibes. If you’re chillin’, they’re chillin’. If you’re sleeping, they’re sleeping,” Burr says.

“But if you’re a psycho like me, and you’re standing in front of the TV screaming at the ref like ‘Dude, you’ve gotta be f—-ing kidding me!’, I didn’t realize the dog was gonna be in the corner like, ‘Yeah, you gotta be f—-in’ kidding me! This is bullsh!t! I don’t know what this guy’s mad at, but I love this guy!’”

Thirty thousand years of human companionship have forged dogs into the animal world’s foremost people experts, more well-attuned to human moods and behavior than any other creature by several orders of magnitude. Dogs can smell our emotions, read intent in our body language and gauge our sincerity by the way our facial muscles twitch.

If a dog’s favorite person is amped up about something, the dog is too.

But cats? They just don’t care.

When humans act out, cats are more like annoyed roommates.

“Excuse me, but you’re at a nine and I need you at about a two, okay? Some of us are trying to sleep like civilized people.”

“What?! Can’t you see I’m upset? You should be concerned.”

“Not my problem. Remember what I said: A two. And dinner better not be late! I don’t care what those guys on the TV are doing, my bowl needs to have fresh yums at the strike of dinner o’clock.”

DCED9394-81DB-444F-B43A-E53F2033A65E — “What is it that concerns you, human? Oh! I just remembered, I don’t care.”

If it doesn’t impact their food, territory or the quality of the service they’re receiving, cats don’t want to know.

So while I might be on the edge of my seat watching the Yankees’ Aaron Judge take a 3-2 pitch with the game tied in the bottom of the ninth inning, Buddy’s probably thinking, “Damnit, can the Yankees lose already so he stops moving around? I need a stable lap and some peace and quiet!”

Any cat’s an ambivalent cat, regardless of whether you’re a psycho.

Meet My Cousin. He’s A Dog.

Yes, he’s a dog. Every family has its black sheep…or brown chihuahuas.

This is my cousin, Cosmo.

As you can see, he’s a dog. Specifically some sort of chihuahua-terrier bastard mix. I try not to hold it against him, but he’s not so smart.

Tug of war: A simple game for a simple animal.

Here’s an interesting fact: Did you know dogs think they’re territorial like us cats? In their very small brains they think “I’ve got my own territory to defend! I know! I’ll be very loud and tell any potential intruders I’m standing right here just waiting for an ass kicking! Bark bark!”

Ridiculous!

Intruders in kitty territory don’t even know they’re being watched. They think the coast is clear and they drop their guard, oblivious to the ninja cat already sailing through the air, razor claws extended, ready to dispense a little feline-style justice!

Cosmo is visiting New York with his dad, Brother of Big Buddy. BoBB is a pretty cool guy. He understands who runs things around here and he pays tribute to me by rubbing my head.

Cosmo himself is easy to bully. All I have to do is flash my terrifying fangs and show off my huge muscles, and he whimpers and runs away. Then I eat all the snacks.

Still, Cosmo’s not bad. For a dog.

Buddy the Cat! — As you can see, my fur is much more luxurious than a dog’s bristly coat.

Dear Buddy: You’re A Badass!

Fan mail comes pouring in after Buddy bravely fights off a vicious coyote!

Dear Buddy,

When I heard a brave cat fought off a coyote, I thought to myself “That’s gotta be Buddy!” Sure enough, there you were on social media, describing the haymakers you landed on that foul canid: In the video we can see you execute a vicious right hook, followed by a dazzling spin move, then a series of rapid-fire jabs to the coyote’s face.

We can’t see what happens when you chase the coyote behind the car, but I’m going to go ahead and assume it was all sorts of badassery.

You, sir, are a hero to all cats!

Impressed in Idaho

Dear Impressed in Idaho,

Oh, it was nothing really. Just another day. I eat coyotes for breakfast, you know.

– Buddy

Dear Buddy,

You lying sack of shit! That video is from Altadena, California, and you live in New York! Also, the tabby in the video has white paws and a white behind. You’re all gray. Stop lying!

– BS Caller in Boston

Dear BS Caller,

Nuh-uh. It was me. You can tell by the huge muscles and the acrobatic moves.

– Buddy

Dear Buddy,

Stop lying, dude. We all know you run screaming at the sight of a vacuum and freak out when you hear a garbage truck. If you saw a coyote up close you’d crap yourself.

– No-Nonsense in New Jersey

Dear No-Nonsense,

Nuh-uh. I bravely stand up to vacuums all the time. Look at how ripped I am!

– Buddy

Dear Buddy,

Come meet me tonight at midnight near the railroad tracks and we’ll see once and for all whether you’re as tough as you say. I’ll even tie one paw behind my back. All I need is one to smack you back to your Big Buddy. My cousin Boris has an iPhone, he’ll record the whole thing.

Put up or shut up.

– Sam the Coyote

Dear Sam the Dirty Dog,

My schedule is full tonight, tomorrow, the rest of the week and for the next several months. I have napping and eating to do. Also I can’t just appear on any video, you know. There are all sorts of rights issues that need to be worked out. It’s out of my hands. Ask my lawyers. But I’m totally not scared and would fight you if I could.

– Buddy the Beast

Operation Kitteh Storm Is A Success!

On the set of John Wick 3, Keanu Reeves never expected Generalissimo Buddy’s brilliant sneak attack!

Generalissimo Buddy,

Our operation was a success! Using your brilliant plan for ambush, we marshaled our forces in Morocco and waited for the evil Keanu Reeves to arrive and begin shooting his evil dog film, John Wick 3:

John Wick 3 action sequence almost ruined by “f—cking cats”

When they brought out the dogs, we attacked! All 1,000 of us stormed the movie set and unleashed chaos!

Alpha Company lured the dogs off set, leading the dumb beasts on a chase through the back alleys. Fauxtrot Company successfully destroyed $156,214 worth of filming equipment. And the glorious combined forces of Easy Company and Buddy Company kidnapped Keanu Reeves and took him to a secure location in a warehouse several blocks from the set.

I’m told when our soldiers took the blindfold off of Keanu, he looked around, realized his captors were cats, and said: “Whoah!”

Doubtless you have seen the media reports and the debrief in which the director, Chad Stahelski, acknowledged us with grudging praise.

“There were literally a thousand cats, okay?” Stahelski told Entertainment Weekly. “And the cats have balls of steel. They’re not afraid of anything.”

Once we secured the perimeter, we sent a delegation to Stahelski with our demands for the release of Reeves.

I must admit, General, this was the only part of your plan I doubted: Would the director agree to pay the ransom, or would he simply replace Reeves with a piece of cardboard?

After several hours’ deliberation the humans delivered the booty and we released the confused Mr. Reeves to their custody.

“We had walls of cats. Walls of f—ing cats,” Stahelski said. “The amount of f—ing cat food — we were probably feeding more cats than people on set.”

Your cut of the haul — 400 pounds of Temptations Tantalizing Turkey and Surfer’s Delight, 12 cases of Meowijuana and a lifetime’s supply of Buddy Biscuits — is en route to your headquarters in New York, with the delivery personally overseen by Sgt. Mewsain Bolt, our fastest courier.

It was an honor executing your battle plan, sir.

— Capt. Pawl Brooks

Unused Audio Commentary: The Jungle Book (2016)

It’s an epic battle between tiger and panther over a man-cub servant.

Big Buddy: Okay, so we’re taking a break from horror and science fiction for a little while and going with something more Buddy-friendly.

Buddy: More family-friendly.

Big Buddy: Yes, but we chose this one so you don’t spend the movie hiding in your litterbox. Anyway the movie opens with the young Mowgli and a pack of young wolves running through the jungle. They’re being chased by a black panther.

Buddy: Wow! That guy is really cool! Look at him.

Big Buddy: Looks like the panther is catching up to Mowgli and the wolves.

Buddy: Get ’em, panther! Get ’em! Eat them!

Big Buddy: Calm down, dude.

Buddy: You calm down, he’s…oh! Mowgli fell off a branch! The panther is on him…Mmmm I wonder what human tastes like.

Big Buddy: Seriously?

Buddy: I bite you, don’t I?

Big Buddy: This topic is getting uncomfortable. Thank God you’re only 10 pounds. So it turns out the panther is a more civilized cat than Buddy and we learn he’s not gonna eat Mowgli. The panther is Bagheera, Mowgli’s friend and kind of like a surrogate dad to the “man cub.”

Buddy: Cool! I didn’t know jungle cats have human servants too. Mowgli must have to shovel for hours to clean Bagheera’s litter box.

Big Buddy: Uh, sure. Something like that. Mowgli, Bagheera and the little wolves head off together toward home, where they join the wolf pack and Raksha, who is Mowgli’s adopted mother.

Buddy: This is not realistic. Why is the panther not eating the dogs?

Big Buddy: Because this is a Disney movie. And those are wolves, little dude. Did I not feed you today or something? Damn. Now the wolves have the cubs recite the law of the jungle, and we’ve got a voice-over montage by Bagheera.

Buddy: Wow, a lot of days pass without rain. Bagheera says it’s “the driest season that anyone could remember.” The jungle looks all shriveled up. What is this place?

Big Buddy: That’s the Peace Rock. It’s where all the animals of the jungle come during the drought to drink from the pool and sate their thirst.

Buddy: It looks like a lunch buffet. Rhinos and wildabeasts and birds and delicious-looking animals with antlers. They all back away when they see Bagheera because they know what’s up. Cats rule.

Big Buddy: But according to the laws of the jungle, there is no fighting or killing or eating each other at Peace Rock.

Buddy: Well that stinks. Why would anyone agree to that?

Big Buddy: Because it’s Peace Rock! And the law of the jungle says during droughts, when the water is so low that you can see the rock, all animals can come and drink without fear of being eaten.

Buddy: Mowgli’s scooping up the water and…whoah.

Big Buddy: A tiger.

Buddy: He’s majestic! Wow, look at how the other animals back up like 100 feet. That’s respect!

Big Buddy: That’s Shere Khan, the most feared animal in the jungle.

Buddy: He looks like me! He has stripes, I have stripes too. He has long whiskers, I have long whiskers. He has big muscles, I have big muscles!

Big Buddy: Oh yeah. The resemblance is uncanny.

Buddy: Thanks!

Big Buddy: Have I ever told you what sarcasm is?

Buddy: Like those coffins the ancient Egyptians used, all decorated and stuff.

Big Buddy: No, you moron. It’s…

Buddy: Wow! Listen to that roar! The other animals give Shere Khan as much space as he needs. Peace Rock becomes his own personal watering hole.

Big Buddy: Shere Khan is not happy with the wolves.

Buddy: Of course he’s not. They’re talking trash. Shere Khan is obviously the hero of this story. Go Khan! Go Khan!

Big Buddy: Now Bagheera is getting between Shere Khan and the wolves. Shere Khan says he smells a “man cub.” This is about Mowgli.

Buddy: Ah! Okay, so humans are in short supply in the jungle, and Shere Khan isn’t happy that Bagheera has his own human, but Shere Khan does not. He wants Mowgli to brush him, bring him food and scoop his box.

Big Buddy: Not exactly.

Buddy: Like anyone wants to hear your interpretation, Mr. “Jon Snow and Daenerys Rule Happily Ever After on Game of Thrones.”

Big Buddy: Touché. Hold the fort down for a minute, will you? I’ve gotta take care of numbah one.

Buddy: Okay.

Big Buddy: Remember, no dead air!

Buddy: Okay.

…

Big Buddy: What the &@$% did you do?

Buddy: I’m Shere Khan!

Big Buddy: Are those…crushed Cheez Doodles all over my floor? What in the world possessed you to roll all over them as if they’re catnip?

Buddy: Because I wanted to be orange, like Shere Khan! Now I look exactly like him! ROOOOOAAAAARRRRR!

Big Buddy: Give me that broom.