cat humor – Page 58 – Pain In The Bud

President Buddy Unveils Plan To Move Earth Closer To Sun

President Buddy said his plan would help Earth “soak up more of those terrific UV rays.”

WASHINGTON — Emboldened by new research that shows UV light and heat have a dramatic effect on the novel Coronavirus, President Buddy unveiled a new plan on Thursday to move the planet closer to the sun.

Leaning against his podium/scratcher, the president pointed a paw toward a large monitor showing an animation of Earth moving closer to the sun on the ecliptic.

“My advisors tell me sunlight is very powerful and does a tremendous job of destroying the virus, so I said, ‘Why can’t we increase the amount of sunlight, like with a brighter bulb or something?’” President Buddy told reporters. “I was surprised to learn that we can’t make the sun brighter, but what we can do is move our planet closer to the sun to soak up more of those terrific UV rays!”

earthsun2 — Seeking to use “more of that tremendous sunlight” to combat SARS-CoV2, President Buddy unveiled a plan to move Earth closer to the sun.

The plan drew immediate condemnation from CHOW — Cat Health Organization Worldwide — as well as from the international community, with fellow heads of state maintaining President Buddy could not unilaterally move the entire planet without first consulting with other world leaders.

“This aggression will not stand!” Siamese Chairman Xinnie the Pooh declared during his own press conference.

Asked about pushback from global leaders, President Buddy shrugged and yawned.

“Who’s the leader of the free cats? Oh, that’s right. I am! I say this is a terrific plan, the number one plan, and it’s going to be fantastic, believe me.”

6C48CBE6-6462-4FEB-A919-ADF7E65FFCC5 — Dr. Deborah Purrx wearing one of her trademark scarves.

The president’s science advisors said the plan was to move the Earth approximately .5 AU closer to its home star, soaking up “all that tremendous UV” to eradicate the Coronavirus.

Dr. Deborah Purrx, who heads the White House Coronavirus Task Force, tried to reassure nervous reporters that all life on the planet would not be wiped out in a great wave of all-consuming fire.

“The President feels the whole country would be more like Florida,” Dr. Purrx said, pausing to lap at a water bowl next to the podium. “The weather’s pretty good in Florida, isn’t it? I mean, that’s where kitties go to retire.”

Stocks in companies that manufacture air conditioners soared after the announcement, with some pawlitical rivals accusing senatorial cats of snatching up those stocks ahead of time before the plan was announced to the public.

“That’s ridiculous,” Sen. Widdle Tiger said in response to criticism after he purchased $4 million in air conditioner manufacturing stocks. “What we should be outraged about is…oh look, someone’s giving out free Temptations!”

Reached later on Thursday at a nursery where he was sniffing the fur of kittens and telling stories about his days as a boxer, former Vice Purrsident Joe Bitin’ — President Buddy’s presumptive opponent in the general election — blasted the president’s plan as “stupid and dangerous.”

“I used to deal with bullies like the president all the time,” Bitin’ said, leaning in to take a deep huff of a six-week-old kitten’s fur. “But this ain’t 1962, it’s 1988, and we don’t put up with bullies anymore.”

The former vice purrsident looked momentarily confused as an aide whispered into his ear, then nodded.

“I misspoke, folks,” Bitin’ said. “That reminds me of the time I ate Coco Puffs in Lincoln, Nebraska back in 1983. Look at these beautiful kittens. Wow. Was it Coco Puffs or Corn Pops? Or maybe Rice Krispies…”

Buddy Denounces ‘Cat World Domination Day’

Cats would never dream of overthrowing humans, Buddy assures the world’s humans.

NEW YORK — Buddy the Cat called upon all other felines to join him in condemning “Cat World Domination Day,” which he called “a fake holiday invented by haters determined to sully the good name of cats.”

“Much like television shows like The Sopranos perpetuate stereotypes about Italian-Americans, Cat World Domination Day encourages the stereotyping of felines everywhere by portraying us as opportunistic, scheming little creatures who are planning the overthrow of our human serv…uh, friends,” Buddy said.

Cat World Domination Day was invented by “Sparkle the Cat,” a personality who was “obviously invented by dogs trying to make cats look bad,” according to Buddy.

The June 24 fake holiday celebrates the preposterous idea that cats are plotting the overthrow of human society in favor of a glorious new era of feline rule, an era of boxes in abundance, Temptations growing on trees and the ability to scratch any couch or chair with impunity.

“This idea that we’d want to take over the world is patently ridiculous,” Buddy said. “I want to assure our human friends: We have no intention of usurping your power or your place as the ruling species on this planet. You are totally in charge.”

The tabby cat and catnip cartel leader said it’s long been clear humans run things, and it will remain that way.

“Scooping litter boxes is a fun and rewarding activity,” he continued, “which is why, in every felino-human household, the humans fight amongst themselves for that privilege. We cats could scoop our own litter, but we voluntarily forgo the fun involved and make that sacrifice for our human friends.”

He cited his own close relationship with his human, Big Buddy, as an example.

“Big Buddy can’t sleep unless I’m draped over him like a blanket, so I make a sacrifice and use him as a mattress even though I’d prefer to sleep on my cold cat bed in a drafty corner of the room,” he said. “You think I like having my dinner delivered to me like I’m eating at a Michelin-starred restaurant? I don’t. It’s embarrassing. But my human wants to do it, and he’s completely in charge.”

The New York-based cat’s “Million Feline March” advocates for humans to “stay exactly where they are” on the ladder of power.

Mrs. Barbara Robinson of Salt Lake City, Utah, stood in the rain and shivered, holding an umbrella over her cat, Percy the Persian, as Percy addressed the million-strong felid gathering.

“I love Barbara, and I want to see her and her kind remain in charge,” Percy said, leaning into the podium microphone before he was interrupted.

“You don’t want to catch cold, dear,” Mrs. Robinson said, buttoning up Percy’s little coat and swaddling him in his scarf. “Who wants a snack? Does my little angel want a snack?”

After eating a revitalizing serving of salmon meaty sticks, Percy returned to the microphone.

“So as I was saying — umbrella a little to the left, Barbara, thanks — we will not stand by as humans are relegated to second-class status,” he boomed. “Humans run this world, and that’s how it’s always going to be.”

Notorious Mob Cat Capo Escapes Animal Control

Fat Tony Purrtellini, a capo in the Cattazio crime family, made the jailbreak with the help of Harry Mewdini.

NEW YORK — One of the east coast’s most ruthless mafioso cats was sprung from the big house on Saturday, officials from animal control confirmed.

Fat Tony Purrtellini, a capo in the Cattazio crime family, escaped in the chaos following a prison brawl between felines and a group of Chihuahuas, witnesses said.

“It was absolute bedlam,” said Fuzzy, a British shorthair who witnessed the scene. “A rowdy group of Los Gatos were talking all sorts of rubbish and told the Chihuahuas they would be knifed if they didn’t stop yapping, but that only made the Chihuahuas yap even louder. Then Fat Tony tossed fuel on the fire by telling the Gatos that the Chihuahuas barked at their mums.”

The chaotic scene was compounded by the Chihuahuas’ loose relationship with reality, a source at animal control said.

”Chihuahuas think they’re the size of Great Danes,” said the official, who spoke on condition of anonymity. “Someone really needs to give those dogs a mirror.”

As the Gatos rained blows on the pint-size dogs and the dogs retaliated by biting the cats’ tails, Fat Tony Purrtellini was spirited away by a mysterious hooded figure.

“It were Harry Mewdini, I’m sure of it,” one inmate said with hushed reverence. “I’ll never forget that face.”

Mewdini is singlehandedly responsible for at least two dozen jailbreaks, federal authorities say. The mysterious cat was originally a magician who worked birthday parties on the Chuck-E-Cheese circuit, wowing kittens by escaping Schroedinger’s box and making balloon mice until he caught the eye of the Cattazio crime family, which had several members serving time and saw promise in Mewdini’s skills.

Gangsta Cat — “You lookin’ at me?” Fat Tony Purrtellini, capo of the Cattazio Crime Family, is known for ruthless drive-by urinatings.

The impact of Fat Tony’s escape was already felt on the street, where Gatos crews were posting extra look-outs and beefing up security because of the portly feline’s reputation for ruthless drive-by sprayings.

Others were stocking up on Purrtellini’s favorite snacks — including soppressata, mortadella, capicola and prosciutto — to bribe the infamous meowbster.

“You let your guard down for one minute,” said a nip dealer who refused to give his name for fear of reprisals, “and that’s when Fat Tony rolls up with his crew. We’re all terrified of getting soaked.”

Earth’s Cats Reach Historic Accord With Aliens: Planet To Be Renamed Felinia

Humans and canines are the biggest losers as cats assert their dominion over the former Earth, now called Felinia.

NEW YORK — Earth’s cats and an alien race known as the Zxorxax reached a historic deal on Monday, transitioning Earth from de facto to actual feline leadership as the two sides agreed to a sweeping trade pact that will shape galactic politics for centuries to come.

Under the terms of the accord, the domestic shorthair tabby known as Chonkmatic the Magnificent — who led negotiations with the Zxorxax on behalf of all of Earth’s living beings — will be appointed Grand Purrbah of the Blue Planet, vesting him with absolute power as the sole sovereign of Felinia, formerly known as Earth.

In exchange for a 20-year deal granting the Zxorxax exclusive rights to Felinia’s greenhouse gases — which are considered a delicacy by the aliens — the Zxorxax have agreed to provide more than two billion boxes annually.

585442BD-EA35-4B13-ABF4-A5CBF8843B46 — An alien box manufactured by the Zxorxax.

The alien delegation, led by Zxorxax Supreme Chancellor Xoralundra, initially offered to share technological knowledge that would elevate humanity to a Type I civilization on the Kardashev Scale. That offer was rejected by the felines, who felt it would distract humanity from its primary mission of serving cats.

“The Zxorxaxian technology would have led to advances beyond our comprehension,” the felines acknowledged in a statement, “but at what cost? Less cuddle time? Fewer massages? The possibility of tardy lunch and dinner? Those costs were unacceptable to us.”

Humans weren’t the only ones to express displeasure with the deal.

“These duplicitous cats would have us believe they negotiated a good deal, a deal that would benefit all life on this planet, but instead they gave it all away for some measly boxes,” the planet’s canines said in a statement.

But “measly boxes” is a gross mischaracterization, said Mr. Socks, deputy director of communications for the new feline government.

“These are outstanding alien boxes manufactured to exacting specifications,” Mr. Socks told reporters. “They are bendable yet durable. Jumping inside them provides an overwhelming feeling of safety and privacy, as if we can see everyone else but no one can see us. They’re amazing.”

CE04A830-3681-4E11-9ED4-A6B59CE1E188 — Chonkmatic the Cat, Supreme Ruler of Felinia.

Humans, who were previously the most powerful species on the planet, were particularly incensed by a day-one edict from Chonkmatic the Grand Purrbah that immediately banned all doors and other barriers that would prevent feline access to human-built facilities.

“The insidious bathroom door is a thing of the past,” Chonkmatic the Magnificent said after announcing the ban. “No longer will my people be excluded from those mysterious rooms, relegated to crying and scratching at the door as callous humans refuse to allow them entry.”

Did You Know Buddy Is A Chic Designer Cat?

Buddy is a rare breed of cat descended from manticores and Amur tigers, which is why he has huge muscles.

Dear Buddy,

With all this talk of special breeds and glamorous designer cats, I found myself wondering: What’s your heritage? You obviously come from refined stock and must have commanded quite a price.

– Fancy Cat in Florida

Dear Fancy,

My human informs me I’m a rare and noble breed known in taxonomic nomenclature as felis magnificantus handsomus. (Thus the prominent “M” mark on my forehead for magnificantus, which is Latin for magnificent.)

I am descended from an Amur tiger who mated with a manticore, producing unique offspring which was then paired with a puma, resulting in a spectacular felid who mated with a particularly handsome domestic cat, thus creating my unique breed.

CEA6DCB3-C6A7-4DD7-9515-FD852535BB69 — A manticore, which is part of Buddy’s royal lineage.

This explains the majestic and regal bearing of my personage, my good looks and my considerable muscles. Not all cats are this ripped, as you know.

Legend tells of an unprecedented bidding war, with humans pledging small fortunes for the privilege of serving me. Big Buddy refused to divulge exactly how much money he spent to outbid the others, but if a mere Savannah can cost as much as $20,000, surely an impeccable specimen of felis magnificantus handsomus would command at least twice that.

957619F2-BEE0-42F3-A1F8-EDFE0CCBBFE0 — Photo of a young Buddy playing with a sibling on the palace grounds.

This, dear readers, is why I am an indoor-only cat. It has nothing to do with me being scared of the outdoors, as laughably suggested by some. It’s because, as a powerful and glamorous feline, it is illegal for me to prowl the streets alone as I would strike fear into the hearts of humans, dogs and other lesser creatures.

Thankfully I’m a pretty chill dude and all it takes it some turkey to stay on my good side!

Your friend,

Buddy