Buddy – Page 46 – Pain In The Bud

Dear Buddy: Stop Mansplaining!

A female reader tries to get Buddy to understand he’s guilty of mansplaining.

Dear Buddy,

I don’t know if you realize this, but you have a bad habit of mansplaining things, both to females of your species as well as human women. You don’t want to be sexist, do you?

Resist the urge to explain things to women, Buddy. We’re not stupid.

Purrsia the Persian

Dear Purrsia,

What are you talking about? Mansplaining? Is that even a real word?

Buddy

Dear Buddy,

Yes it’s a real word! Mansplaining is when a man explains something to a woman, even when she already knows the information. It’s also when men act like things only make sense when explained by other men. It’s quite rude, you know.

Purrsia

Dear Purrsia,

Sorry, but that doesn’t make any sense to me. I think you’re making this whole thing up.

Buddy

Dear Buddy,

I am not making it up! Mansplaining is a real thing, and you do it all the time! I’m trying to explain it to you and you’re not listening! Typical male. Don’t think we don’t see your problematic behavior.

Purrsia

Dear Purrsia,

Whatever.

Buddy

Dear Buddy,

You’ll have to forgive Purrsia, who seems a bit confused. Mansplaining is like dragons and hobbits: It doesn’t really exist. Anyway, the definition of this fake phenomenon is when a man explains something to a woman, even when she already knows the information. It’s also when men act like things only make sense when they’re explained by other men. Supposedly it’s rude.

Hope that clears things up.

Maximus Catimus Meridius, Commander of the Furry Legion, Ultimate Badass

Dear Maximus,

Of course! When you put it in a way that actually makes sense, it really isn’t a difficult concept. Thank you for illuminating me, good sir!

Buddy

“Blah, blah, blah..Let me tell you how it REALLY works!”

International Cat Day: Interview With Buddy

Buddy answers questions about his life as a cat.

Big Buddy (The Human): We’re here with Buddy the Cat to celebrate International Cat Day. Welcome, Buddy!

Little Buddy (The Cat): Thank you.

BB: I appreciate you joining us. I’m sure our readers do too.

Buddy: Yeah well, you told me no treats unless I do this interview, so let’s get it over with.

BB: I love the enthusiasm. Our first question is from Mrs. Caldwell’s third-grade class in Skokie, Illinois. Rebecca, age 8, asks: “Hi Buddy! What’s the best thing about being a cat?”

Buddy: Hi, Rebecca. Well, the schedule’s pretty good. Plenty of time for naps and siestas. The food’s usually pretty good too. But I’d say the best thing about being a cat is my status as an apex predator. No one messes with you because they know that you can decapitate them with a single paw swipe. Other animals don’t step to me because they don’t want to see their entrails spill out like a waterfall or their arterial blood sketching a map of Hawaii on the ground, you know what I mean? I’m a very ferocious creature.

BB: Ahem. Maybe we can take it down a notch on the questions from kids?

Buddy: My bad.

BB: Our next question is from Mr. Piper’s eighth-grade class in Rye, New York. Charles, age 13, asks: “Buddy, do you have any tips for getting puss…” Ah, Charles, this is a family blog! Sheesh. Your teacher approved this? Oh! Sorry. The whole question is: “Buddy, do you have any tips for getting pussy cats to come when called?”

Buddy: Sure, Charles. It’s really simple: Do you have any treats? If the answer is yes, then it’s worth our time to acknowledge you and approach. If not, well, we have napping to do.

BB: That’s great, thank you, Charles. This one’s from six-year-old Cindy in Mrs. Cooper’s class in Bakersfield, California. Cindy says: “I have a dog. Woof woof! Do you like dogs, Buddy?”

Buddy: Yes I do, Cindy! I like them far away from me, in someone else’s home, dragging their butts across someone else’s carpet, preferably very far away so I don’t have to smell them.

BB: I can just feel the love, can’t you? Okay, now let’s go to 10-year-old Ashton from Mrs. Draper’s second-grade class in Lincoln, Nebraska. Second grade, Ashton? Really? Okay. Ashton writes: “Hello Buddy! As president of the Americats, are you happy that baseball is back this season? And who do you think is gonna win the World Series?”

Buddy: It’s a terrific thing that baseball is back, a tremendous, tremendous thing, okay? The American people love baseball, believe me, and we’re gonna have the number one baseball season in history, okay? It really will be. I like the Yankees, Ashton. I know a number of them personally and they’re tremendous people, just terrific people. They’re going to win the World Series over the Dodgers, and the Red Sox aren’t even going to make the playoffs because they’re losers. They’re fired.

BB: Okay. Finally, here’s a question from Lisa in Mr. Park’s fourth-grade class in Peculiar, Missouri. Lisa asks: “I love my kitty cat, Mr. Wobbles, and he loves me. Do you love your human, Buddy? What’s your favorite thing about him?”

Buddy: Hi Lisa! Do I love my Big Buddy? I love it when he feeds me treats and catnip! I guess you could say I love him even though the service is slow and sub-par around here sometimes. I’m very forgiving. Still, he could improve. My favorite thing about him? Hmmm. He’s a pretty good mattress.

BB: Oh, that lukewarm endorsement has moved me to tears! That’s all for today. Thanks to Buddy for generously taking time out of his busy napping schedule, and for all the kids who submitted questions. Don’t forget to do something special for your own cats today!

Buddy Wants YOU to Follow These Sites!

Buddy’s favorite blogs.

Office of the High Secretariat for Buddesian Decrees, His Majesty’s Palace

August the 7th, 6 AB (Anno Buddy)

Dear subjects,

It has come to my attention that there is a thing called #FollowFriday in which great and respected authors such as myself share links to some of their favorite blogs and sites, so that others might find them and read them.

In the spirit of #FollowFriday, and as the benevolent feline ruler I am, I hereby endorse the following sites of web:

Cattitude Daily: This site is run by my friend Modi, who not only appreciates my rakish handsomeness and luxurious fur, but also writes some good stuff about my fellow cats. Cattitude Daily often answers questions about cats, like why we have webbed feet, why we like to sleep in sinks, and why you should stop trying to touch our feet! I decree you shall check out Modi’s site.

Retro Dee’s Guide to the Best Era Ever: Retro Dee writes about the 1950s, a time when the Romans cheered on the gladiators, husbands and wives slept in separate beds, and life was in black and white. Also, there was no internet and no one had invented Temptations yet, but Marty McFly had a really cool hoverboard. I especially like the old pictures of old people doing old things. Finally, Dee has a cat named Holly and I’m Buddy, so together we’d be Buddy Holly, a guy who was famous for being mentioned in a Weezer song.

090DA4B4-76EA-402B-8634-C5EC7E2F836B — The 1950s.

My Instagram page: Several of my minions mentioned I should have an Instagram page. They said: “Your Grace, the world should know what a handsome king you are.” So now you can follow my blog for my wit and wisdom, and my Instagram for photos of me. Now I have to figure out that there Facebook, and someone else was telling me about two up-and-coming sites called MySpace and Friendster. Soon you won’t be able to escape me anywhere on the Internet!

Maybe He’s Born With It. Maybe It’s Meowbelline.

“Buddy. So hot right now. Buddy.”

NEW YORK — Buddy the Cat will be the new face and official spokesmodel of designer Fursace’s new Covidian Collection, the Italian fashion house announced Wednesday.

In addition, Buddy unveiled brand new photos of his four signature looks in his Buddy: 2020 Look Book.

The rakishly handsome tabby’s famous quartet of looks includes icy Blue Steel, Ferrari (a softer look for catalogues and footwear), fiery Le Tigre and the venerated Magnum, which took years to perfect.

“Buddy. So hot right now. Buddy.” – Jacobim Mugatu, designer

Fans got an intimate look at le Tigre at last year’s Feline Fashion Week in Milan, where Bud modeled Dolce and Gabbana’s Meowgnificent collection. The “really, really ridiculously good-looking” cat has been a fixture on the haute couture scene since 2014 when he was a kitten.

Buddy on the Runway — Buddy the Cat walks the runway ahead of German model Leon Dame during last year’s Fashion Week in Paris.

This year the fabulous felid is expected to take the runway for Fursace’s Covidian Collection, a show that draws inspiration from Victorian-era plague doctor masks, gloves and overcoats to create what designer Gianni Fursace calls “pandemic chic.”

“Fashion cuts to the heart of life’s most essential questions, and this season it’s all about one question in particular: What good is protection from the virus if you don’t look fabulous in the first place?” Fursace asked. “What’s the point of surviving if you’re wearing something you wouldn’t be caught dead in?”

buddy_plaguedoctor — Buddy models a $6,250 mask, part of Fursace’s Covidian Collection.

Jacobim Mugatu — the world-famous fashion designer best known for his Derelicte line of homeless-inspired fashionwear and inventing the piano neck tie — praised Fursace for making Buddy the face of his new campaign.

“Buddy has long been my muse as I strive to create clothes that redefine what it means to be fabulous,” Mugatu said. “Buddy. So hot right now. Buddy.”

ferrariletigrebluesteelmagnum — Clockwise from top left: Le Tigre, Blue Steel, Ferrari and Magnum. Credit: Versace Covidian Fall Collection

Archaeologists Find New Pyramid In Buddy’s Litter Box

Of particular interest to archaeologists was an internal chamber of the Temple of Deuceamemnon featuring a cartouche extolling the excretory potency of Buddy.

CAIRO, East Litter Box — A new pyramid dating to the 3rd dynasty has been found buried beneath the sand in Buddy’s litter box, a university dig team announced in the scholarly journal Fecal Archaeology.

The find is significant not only because it reveals one of the few surviving artifacts of the Old Kingdom, but because it lies outside the so-called Valley of the Kings, an area rich with deuce deposits and hidden burial chambers, Egyptologists said Thursday.

“Previously King Poopankhamen, a 3rd dynasty pharaoh, was considered apocryphal,” said Ferdinand Lyle, an Egyptologist with the British Museum. “Now, thanks to the inscriptions found in the newly-discovered pyramid, we know King Poopankhamen did indeed exist, and is responsible for many of the most fabulous monuments in the eastern litter box region.”

catsegypt — Priceless statues of felines recovered from the newly-discovered pyramid in Buddy’s litter box. (Credit)

Of particular interest to archaeologists was an internal chamber of the Temple of Deuceamemnon featuring a cartouche extolling the excretory potency of Buddy.

The cartouche, Lyle said, proved Buddy was worshiped before the 4th dynasty pharaoh, Pooptolemy, founded the Cult of Budster.

“The inscriptions in the poop burial chamber speak of mighty nuggets of feces raining down from the sky,” Lyle said, “which was seen as a sign that Buddy was angry and signaled an impending yellow flood.”

heiroglyph — A hieroglyphic inscription reads: “And so as man angered the Buddy, the sky opened up and a yellow rain came pouring down.”

Still, not all were convinced to change their views in light of the newly discovered pyramid.

“It’s obvious we couldn’t have built those pyramids without the help of aliens, bro,” said Joe Rogan, who is best known for making contestants eat roaches on the short-lived show Fear Factor. “Like, when you get stoned and really think about it, it’s clear that aliens were here millennia ago and were worshiped as gods, like in the movie Stargate.”