Pain In The Bud

Cat Destroys 2,400-Piece Model, Uses Power of Cuteness To Evade Consequences

The feline wrecking ball destroyed a model his human had spent a week building.

Toys are big business in the world of online auctions, and a guy in Thailand builds complex toy models as his side hustle, selling the completed items to collectors who don’t have the time to construct the models themselves.

It took Phumai Phornthong a week to assemble the 2,432-piece model of Doraemon, a robotic, time-traveling cat popularized by a Japanese manga series. He had a buyer all lined up and was ready to ship the cartoon kitty model when his own cat intervened.

Phornthong’s orange tabby did what cats do best and barreled into the completed model like a wrecking ball, shattering it into hundreds of pieces.

Here’s the model before kitty destroyed it:

cutecatdestroyer4 — The completed Doraemon model, before it was destroyed in a whirlwind of feline energy. Credit: Phornthong/Facebook

And here’s the aftermath:

cutecatdestroyer2 — No guilt, no remorse. He’s a killing machine! Credit: Phornthong/Facebook

Just look at that adorable cat: There’s not even the slightest trace of guilt on his little face.

“Damn cat!” Phornthong wrote. “I spent a week making this. The customer wants it before the new year.”

Then he added an ominous threat: “I will kill you!”

Thankfully, no actual felines were hurt during this incident. The unnamed tabby used his Powers of Cuteness to diffuse his human’s anger, and all was right with the world. Except, of course, the broken model. We imagine kitty will be quarantined from the build area in the future.

We here at Pain In The Bud sympathize with Mr. Phornthong. It was just two Christmases ago when I opened by bedroom door to find my beautiful, beloved Les Paul on the floor in two pieces, with the neck snapped at the halfway point. Buddy’s own considerable powers of cuteness saved him from certain death, or at least a punishment of no Temptations for a year.

King Buddy the Cat — “Yes, I did destroy it, but look at how cute I am!”

Somewhere in the world, an excited buyer is going to be disappointed to learn his or her Doraemon model will be at least a week late.

Merry Christmas from Buddy!

Buddy saved up his profits from dealing catnip and got me a touching gift for Christmas.

Little Buddy got a great gift for me this Christmas:

The text reads:

Dear Cat Dad,

Thank you for being my dad. If some other man was my dad, I’d piss on his shoes, claw up his face, and go find you.

Love,

Bud

Such a heartwarming message! It brings a tear to my eye. (Although I’ll have to talk to Buddy about his punctuation. We don’t use the Oxford comma in this house.)

Like any proud parent whose kid takes up a paper route or an after school job and buys presents with his own money for the first time, I beam with joy knowing Buddy sold enough catnip to neighborhood kitties to buy this mug for me. My little one is growing up!

1495125423076 — So proud of my good boy!

Kate Beckinsale’s Cat Is Not Amused

This is what a pissed off cat looks like.

From the Department of Your Kitty Hates Being Forced to Wear Costumes, we have Kate Beckinsale’s cat barely concealing his rage in front of a Christmas tree.

The scowling Persian’s name is Clive, and he’s 11 years old. If I had to guess, I’d say he’s thinking “I’m too old for this shit…” and planning increasingly spectacular ways to kill his human.

Dip him in some green dye and he’d be a dead ringer for the Grinch!

Seriously, this cat is not happy. Look at the tail twitching in irritation and his eyes narrowing in fury:

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This is not the first time the Underworld actress has subjected poor Clive to such indignities. A few days before Christmas of 2017 Beckinsale dressed the little guy as a dinosaur, and he seemed to hate it slightly less than he hates this year’s Santa costume.

I’d suffer death by a thousand cuts if I tried to squeeze Buddy into a costume like this:

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The Bronx Zoo: Winter Wonderland

A trip to the Bronx Zoo’s annual after-dark holiday exhibit.

Every Christmas, the staff at the Bronx Zoo transform the grounds into a “winter wonderland,” an LED-illuminated forest of festive fun that begins at sundown.

The good: Young kids will enjoy themselves. The bad: All the animal exhibits are closed, with the tigers, bears, monkeys and elephants brought into their indoor enclosures before dark to shelter from the frigid New York winter.

On Friday night the only animal on duty was Quincy, a 16-year-old Eurasian eagle owl. The impressively-plumed Quincy gamely hung out and remained calm despite a small crowd of guests pointing cameras at him, occasionally repeating a vocalization that sounded more like Buddy’s high-pitched greeting than a call you’d expect from an owl.

Hooting, which is what most of us associate with the nocturnal birds, is more closely associated with territorial displays and mating calls, Quincy’s handler explained.

Bronx Zoo's Quincy — Quincy, a Eurasian eagle owl, wasn’t phased by crowds as he greeted guests at the Bronx Zoo’s Winter Wonderland. Photo: Pain In The Bud

Bronx Zoo Frozen castle — Visitors can watch artists chisel ice sculptures. Photo: Pain In The Bud

Bronx Zoo Winter Wonderland — Under the (very cold) sea. Photo: Pain In The Bud

Bronx Zoo Birds of Paradise — Birds of Paradise. Photo: Pain In The Bud

After taking my brother’s kids to Winter Wonderland, we stopped for a look at Roy’s Christmas Land in Harrison, NY. The owner, 61-year-old Roy Aletti, describes himself as a “maniac” when it comes to holiday decorating.

As you can see, his design philosophy can be summed up as “Buy as much shit as you can and cover every inch of your lawn.” The kids love it.

royschristmas2 — Roy’s Christmas Land in Harrison, NY. Photo: Pain In The Bud

Have You Decoded Your Cat’s Meows?

Each of us has a private “language” we share with our cat(s).

We’ve learned a lot about how cats see the world in the past two or three years thanks to some breakthrough research.

We know the meow originates as a way kittens communicate with their mothers, and adults generally don’t meow to each other. In fact, the iconic vocalization — which is the cat’s actual name in some languages — is a feline’s attempt to communicate with us, their human caretakers.

Give the little stinkers the credit they deserve: They know we don’t read tail, whisker, ear or even feline facial expressions very well, and they know we communicate verbally, so they meow to us.

We also know house cats develop exclusive “languages” with their favorite humans, forming personal and proprietary ways of exchanging information.

They’re even capable of meowing at the same frequency as a human baby’s cries by embedding the infant-like call in their purrs: Because we humans are hard-wired by evolution to respond urgently to those frequencies, our feline friends quickly realize their “solicitation purrs” are the most effective way to get our attention.

Clearly they’re manipulating us, not the other way around.

Have you decoded your cat’s repertoire of meows and other vocalizations? In addition to the meow — which comes in several different types and forms — cats can chirp, trill, chatter, growl, chirrup and purr.

Buddy is a very vocal kitty, and he likes to use trills to communicate. Here are Buddy’s favorite “words” and sentiments:

Hrrrruuuhh – “Okay then”/”I have no idea what you’re talking about”/”Sorry, not interested”

Brrrrr! Brrrrt! – “I don’t like this!” or “I don’t know about this!” (Heavy trill sound.)

(The brrrrt sound goes all the way back to Bud’s babyhood, when he wasn’t litter box trained and got nervous every time he had to eliminate. To this day, he makes that sound when he’s nervous and unsure of what to do.)

Brrrrruuuup! – “I’m fast! Watch me run! I’m running!”

(A vocalization that serves as a prelude to an energy-expending burst of activity.)

Rrrrooow! – “No!”/An expression of annoyance. May also mean “Get away from me!” in certain contexts.

Ahhhhmmmm – “Interesting!” High-pitched.

Hurrrrr – Affirmation. “Bud, do you want turkey tonight?” “Hurrrrr!”

Mmmmohhh! – “Oh, but I want to!” (Reserved for when he’s told not to do something, like scratch the couch.)

Excited chatter – About to receive catnip or one of his favorite foods.

Mrrrump! – Straining or jumping down. Often heard as he hits the ground when jumping down from a couch or bed.

Nyeeea – Okay, I’m awake!

Mmmyeoowww! – I WANT FOOD!

Mrrrrrrrooww! – I WANT FOOD!

Mrrooww! Mrrooww! – FOOD NOW!

Bah! Bah! – You jerk!

Mnyakk ak ak! – A chattering sound. “I see birds! I see birds and I can’t attack them!”

Incessant crying – Open the door so I can come in, and after five minutes I’ll cry again until you let me out. Then I’ll do it again until you let me in…

You, dear reader, have your own private language with your cat(s) too, whether you’re consciously aware of it or not. If you haven’t given it much thought, pay close attention to the sounds your cat makes and the ways you respond…and don’t get too freaked out when you realize who really runs your home. 🙂