Olympics – Pain In The Bud

San Diego Siestas Edge Detroit Dozers In New Feline Competitive Napping League

It’s the sleep Olympics — perfect for cats!

SAN DIEGO – The Siestas were down to their last cat still slumbering, and it looked like their rivals from Detroit, with three felines snoring away, would wake up with the victory.

But San Diego’s sole snoozer wasn’t any ordinary cat. He was 21-year-old Oscar the Couch, one of the most accomplished nappers in the world.

Long after Detroit’s younger, less experienced kitties had gotten up, stretched, enjoyed a meal and used their litter boxes, Oscar was finally beginning to stir from the dregs of his dreams.

Oscar yawned as his teammates cheered, and the referees declared the San Diego Siestas the winners.

“Competitive napping is unlike any other sport out there,” said Sammy the Sloth, a rotund tuxedo cat and snore-by-snore announcer for the Competitive Napping League’s broadcast team. “It rewards the slow and the sedentary, moving somewhere between the speed of a snail and the growing of grass. The only other sport that comes close is golf.”

The Competitive Napping League (CNL) was just a dream of its founders until Saudi Royal Feline Smudge bin Salman stepped in, signing the laziest felines to seven figure contracts and infusing the new sport with millions in marketing money.

Now competitive napping matches routinely air on ESPN7, and this year the CNL inked a deal for six nationally televised naps per season. The most accomplished nappers can also participate in the postseason nap-offs, and ambassadors for the sport are lobbying the International Olympic Committee to include competitive napping in the winter and summer games.

“This isn’t a genteel game like baseball or jai alai,” said Somnambulist Smokey, a silver shorthair. “This is hardcore, no-snores-barred snoozing, and it’s not for the faint of heart.”

As a sleepwalker, Smokey is one of the league’s most accomplished competitors. He’s known for getting up mid-snore and slapping his opponents in the face before laying down again. Initially suspected of cheating, Smokey was vindicated when brain activity monitors showed he remained in REM sleep, making him an authentic sleepwalker.

However, he’s not the only cat with tricks up his paw.

Filthy Frank the Flatulist is captain of the Fort Worth Forty Winks, and his emissions are of such olfactory potency that they can wake opponents out of the deepest slumbers.

“The [New York] Nappers strolled in here like they owned the place,” said teammate Charlie the Chonk. “Frank had them up and yowling in about 30 seconds with a squeaker that wafted over to the enemy and refused to dissipate.”

brown and white tabby cat — Credit: Matheus Bertelli/Pexels

Competitive napping is growing in popularity, with amateur clubs springing up in Japan, Taiwan, Scandinavia and the Principality of Sealand.

The Copenhagen Cozies and Helsingør Hygge recently slept through exhibition matches against the Louisiana Liesures and the Miami Sleepmasters.

“There’s nothing like the rush of a good nap followed by mews that you’ve outslept your opponents,” said Liesures captain Zoe Zzzz, “then going back down for another nap to celebrate!”

Radio Broadcast Details Buddy’s Incredible Accomplishments

Did you know Buddy the Cat invented the George Foreman Grill and diffused the Cuban missile crisis? Me either!

I was looking through some of my old files the other day when I came upon this forgotten radio broadcast, which provides just a taste of Buddy’s heroics and adventures:

Of course I live with the little guy, so it’s easy to forget how accomplished he actually is. In addition to serving a term as president of the Americats, Buddy has won multiple gold medals at the Olympics, led the New York Yankees to a World Series championship, single-handedly took on the meowfia, and holds the Guinness World Record for most stylishly executed nap.

To me he’s just my Buddy, my fluffy little friend who likes to hang out, meows a lot, and enjoys purring and making biscuits while I rub his head and tell him what a cool dude he is.

Still, it’s nice to know that if I need him to take on evil robots or win a competitive eating contest, he’s got that covered too.

Reason #94 To Keep Your Cat Indoors: He’s A Bully

A California woman’s cat is a burglar, a bully and an aggressive napper!

Most of the time when we talk about reasons to keep your cat(s) inside, it’s because the great outdoors pose innumerable risks to the lives of cats.

People make a big deal of cats retaining many of their wild instincts, but the truth is they’ve been domestic animals for 10,000 years, and the only “natural habitat” for them is under the care of kind people in a safe home or a managed colony where they’re protected, fed and given veterinary care.

But cats are predators, technically an invasive species in most places, and they have a jerk streak, so there are plenty of valid reasons to protect others from them.

A cat in Pleasant Hill, California — about 20 miles east of Oakland — illustrates that last point perfectly. Apparently he’s been inviting himself into the neighbor’s house via the cat flap, where he bullies the neighbor’s cat, helps himself to its food and adds a final insouciant insult to injury by taking a nap in the neighbor’s house. Then he strolls back into his own home in the morning, enjoys breakfast and has another nap.

Lisa, the offending cat’s human, said she found out about her cat’s jerktastic behavior via social media, and wrote to The San Jose Mercury News’ pet advice columnist for counsel on how to handle the situation. The neighbors have begun hiding their cat’s food in a closet, but understandably they want Lisa’s aggressively napping cat burglar to stay away.

“Not sure how to curtail his activities. Neighbor is not happy with our cat’s behavior,” Lisa wrote. “Locking our cat inside at night is not a good option; he is very vocal when locked up.”

Columnist Joan Morris offered blunt but perfect advice: Stop letting your cat out.

“I think both of you should keep your cats indoors, and the neighbors should lock the cat door, but as it’s your cat burglar that’s causing the issue, it’s up to you to curtail him,” Morris wrote. “Keeping your cat indoors at night is the simplest solution. The adjustment might be difficult — probably more for you than for him — but in time he’ll get used to it.”

I understand it can be very difficult to curtain feline behavior. If there were an Olympics for being annoying, Buddy would take gold many times over for his relentless meowing when he wants something and isn’t getting it. But the one thing you can never do is give in, or the little stinkers will learn that they get what they want when they yowl incessantly.

Do you agree with Morris, or should the bullying moggie get his way?