Buddy the Cat – Page 63 – Pain In The Bud

Tucker Carlson: Cat Cafes Are The Greatest Danger to ‘Merica!

Tucker Carlson has revealed the nefarious plot by cats to destroy America!

A message to all cats from Buddy the Cat:

Go to ground! Burn and shred all your documents! Bury the toxoplasma gondii injectors!

Tucker Carlson, the venerated investigative journalist, has blown the lid on our insidious agenda to destroy America, take over the world and replace humans as the preeminent species on this planet.

In a monologue to his nightly audience of more than 4.3 million viewers on Fox News, the dogged reporter said politicians “understand perfectly well what actually threatens America.”

“It’s the decadent rich people from their class at Harvard,” Carlson said. “It’s the gender studies party at Cornell. It’s the cat cafés in Austin and Asheville. It’s the Monday editorial meetings at the Atlantic magazine. Those are the people who actually detest the country. They’re the ones working through the night to destroy it.”

catcafebrooklyn — **Humans cast suspicious glances at cats inside a Brooklyn cafe after Tucker Carlson, legendary journalist, blew the lid off of feline plans to take over the world.** Credit: Brooklyn Eagle

Rest assured, we will find the feline who blabbed about our plans to Carlson, and that cat will be punished! It’s taken us years — decades! — to scheme under the noses of humans, to carefully lay our evil plans, to lull people into believing we’re just cute little furballs who want snacks and cuddles.

We even conquered the internet, supplanting dogs as the favored four-legged friends of humans by being our adorable selves and posing for meme-worthy photos.

All that work is gone! Our nefarious plot thwarted! Wiped out by a traitor, probably some catnip-addicted Siamese who was dying for a fix while the brilliant Carlson dangled a bag of the good stuff in front of him. Damn you, Carlson!

Lay low, my fellow felines. We can surmount almost any obstacle, but Tucker Carlson is just too brilliant a man to trifle with. We’ll have to wait until he gets distracted by another vaccine conspiracy or returns to Dancing With The Stars to perform another cha-cha. Be patient and ready, for the destruction of America and the rise of felis catus is nigh.

carlsonbowtie — **“Cats, you’re in the Crossfire!”**

Dear Buddy: How’d You Get Your Name?

The name Buddy is bestowed only on the most promising of cats, according to Buddy,

Dear Buddy,

How’d you get your name?

Cool Cat in Cleveland

Dear Cool Cat,

My servant tells me my name is one of great distinction in Humanese, conferred only on those of spectacular repute.

For example there was the renowned Pharaoh, Buddeses II, who oversaw the construction of the Great Sphinx. In Italy, Buddissimo of Naples achieved worldwide fame for his paintings, his numerous inventions and his delicious stone-baked pepperoni pizzas.

In the 17th century Sir Buddington the Bold, Earl of Budderset, was famed for his exploits as an explorer, while Count Buddeaux of Marseilles was known as a playboy, an expert defenestrator and the father of pâté.

In ancient Greece, Buddimedes the Spartan was one of the famous 300 warriors who, under the command of the great cat Leonidas, kept a horde of a million Persians from crossing the narrow pass at Thermopylae. They say the distressed meows of those Persians could be heard for miles as the Spartans pushed them into the sea, where they were forced to catch dinner themselves instead of having tins opened for them.

The name was also popular in Japan, especially among skilled swordsmen like the legendary Buddimoto Mewsashi.

More recently there was Buddy Holly, Buddy Guy and Buddy Miles, musicians all. (I play a bit of guitar myself, reaching out to pluck strings when Big Buddy is strumming away on his axe.)

I’ve often thought about my own legacy in the pantheon of Buddies.

Will I be known as Buddy the Eloquent in honor of my skill with language? Perhaps Buddy the Beefcake in recognition of my muscular physique? Or maybe something modest like Buddy the Brave for my legendary fearlessness?

My human didn’t choose my name, it simply manifested as it became clear I am the next Great Buddy.

I feel the power and the importance of this lineage every day, and it gives me motivation to be the greatest cat I can be.

That means I don’t do anything half-assed, including napping. My Big Buddy says I have elevated napping to an art form. Perhaps history will remember me as Buddy the Magnificent Napper.

Your friend,

Buddy the Cat

PhotoFunia-1612095051

Cat’s Bedroom Goes Viral

This cat’s got his own bed and his own TV!

Thousands of cat servants are suddenly feeling inadequate after a Twitter user showed off photos of their cat’s own custom bedroom, complete with an appropriately-sized bed, a bucket of toys and a TV.

“He actually goes in to nap and to watch birds on Youtube,” user Cinnamonbear9 tweeted, sharing photos of the unnamed tuxedo lounging on his own bed while watching TV.

Cinnamonbear9 said the project was just finished on April 12.

Thankfully, Buddy seems uninterested. Why would he want to downgrade to a tiny bedroom when my bedroom has essentially become his?

We Want YOUR Cat Featured On PITB!

Buddy wants YOU to feature your cat on Pain In The Bud!

The only thing better than cats is, well, more cats.

That’s why we’d like to introduce a new feature in which we profile our readers’ little buddies. It’s a win-win: You get your unique kitty featured on the blog, and the rest of us get to see more cats.

Buddy, in his infinite wisdom and generosity, has allowed me to implement this feature, “as long as the other cats don’t upstage me.” I also had to bribe him by promising to buy him a pirate eyepatch and a plush canary for his shoulder.

Interested in having your kitty featured? Head to the contact page, say hello and tell us a little bit about your cat. We’ll respond with a handful of questions. We’ll also need at least three good, high-res images of your cat, so have them ready to send when we correspond. (Don’t worry if they’re not pro quality! Mostly we’re looking for clear, close shots.)

That’s it! Right now the plan is for this to be an occasional feature, but if we get enough responses we’d be delighted to make this a regular weekly or twice-weekly thing.

All photos in this post courtesy of Pexels.

The Easter Buddy Wishes You A Happy Easter!

Happy Easter!

Happy Easter from the Easter Buddy! Bud and I wish our readers a happy, safe and relaxing Easter, socially distanced though it may be. Who knows? Maybe we’ll see a return to some semblance of normality later this year.

In the meantime, though, our little buddies have helped us get through these dark months, entertaining us and keeping us company through the initial wave of the pandemic, the lockdowns and the long winter.

Could you imagine the past year without your cats? We can’t. Make sure to thank your own little buddies for being there for you during this pandemic!