Operation Kitteh Storm Is A Success!

On the set of John Wick 3, Keanu Reeves never expected Generalissimo Buddy’s brilliant sneak attack!

Generalissimo Buddy,

Our operation was a success! Using your brilliant plan for ambush, we marshaled our forces in Morocco and waited for the evil Keanu Reeves to arrive and begin shooting his evil dog film, John Wick 3:

John Wick 3 action sequence almost ruined by “f—cking cats”

When they brought out the dogs, we attacked! All 1,000 of us stormed the movie set and unleashed chaos!

Alpha Company lured the dogs off set, leading the dumb beasts on a chase through the back alleys. Fauxtrot Company successfully destroyed $156,214 worth of filming equipment. And the glorious combined forces of Easy Company and Buddy Company kidnapped Keanu Reeves and took him to a secure location in a warehouse several blocks from the set.

I’m told when our soldiers took the blindfold off of Keanu, he looked around, realized his captors were cats, and said: “Whoah!”

D2A84DF8-99E0-458C-A0E9-B19175533AE1

Doubtless you have seen the media reports and the debrief in which the director, Chad Stahelski, acknowledged us with grudging praise.

“There were literally a thousand cats, okay?” Stahelski told Entertainment Weekly. “And the cats have balls of steel. They’re not afraid of anything.”

Once we secured the perimeter, we sent a delegation to Stahelski with our demands for the release of Reeves.

I must admit, General, this was the only part of your plan I doubted: Would the director agree to pay the ransom, or would he simply replace Reeves with a piece of cardboard?

After several hours’ deliberation the humans delivered the booty and we released the confused Mr. Reeves to their custody.

“We had walls of cats. Walls of f—ing cats,” Stahelski said. “The amount of f—ing cat food — we were probably feeding more cats than people on set.”

Your cut of the haul — 400 pounds of Temptations Tantalizing Turkey and Surfer’s Delight, 12 cases of Meowijuana and a lifetime’s supply of Buddy Biscuits — is en route to your headquarters in New York, with the delivery personally overseen by Sgt. Mewsain Bolt, our fastest courier.

It was an honor executing your battle plan, sir.

— Capt. Pawl Brooks

ED5993DA-DF92-4DA9-9690-75BFA98569D6

Unused Audio Commentary: The Jungle Book (2016)

It’s an epic battle between tiger and panther over a man-cub servant.

Big Buddy: Okay, so we’re taking a break from horror and science fiction for a little while and going with something more Buddy-friendly.

Buddy: More family-friendly.

Big Buddy: Yes, but we chose this one so you don’t spend the movie hiding in your litterbox. Anyway the movie opens with the young Mowgli and a pack of young wolves running through the jungle. They’re being chased by a black panther.

Buddy: Wow! That guy is really cool! Look at him.

Big Buddy: Looks like the panther is catching up to Mowgli and the wolves.

Buddy: Get ’em, panther! Get ’em! Eat them!

Big Buddy: Calm down, dude.

0EEDE394-482B-4C3B-B0A4-AD0E6B2C7E1A

Buddy: You calm down, he’s…oh! Mowgli fell off a branch! The panther is on him…Mmmm I wonder what human tastes like.

Big Buddy: Seriously?

Buddy: I bite you, don’t I?

Big Buddy: This topic is getting uncomfortable. Thank God you’re only 10 pounds. So it turns out the panther is a more civilized cat than Buddy and we learn he’s not gonna eat Mowgli. The panther is Bagheera, Mowgli’s friend and kind of like a surrogate dad to the “man cub.”

Buddy: Cool! I didn’t know jungle cats have human servants too. Mowgli must have to shovel for hours to clean Bagheera’s litter box.

Big Buddy: Uh, sure. Something like that. Mowgli, Bagheera and the little wolves head off together toward home, where they join the wolf pack and Raksha, who is Mowgli’s adopted mother.

Intro-to-Shere-Khan-Clip-Disneys-The-Jungle-Book-4

Buddy: This is not realistic. Why is the panther not eating the dogs?

Big Buddy: Because this is a Disney movie. And those are wolves, little dude. Did I not feed you today or something? Damn. Now the wolves have the cubs recite the law of the jungle, and we’ve got a voice-over montage by Bagheera.

Buddy: Wow, a lot of days pass without rain. Bagheera says it’s “the driest season that anyone could remember.” The jungle looks all shriveled up. What is this place?

Big Buddy: That’s the Peace Rock. It’s where all the animals of the jungle come during the drought to drink from the pool and sate their thirst.

Buddy: It looks like a lunch buffet. Rhinos and wildabeasts and birds and delicious-looking animals with antlers. They all back away when they see Bagheera because they know what’s up. Cats rule.

Big Buddy: But according to the laws of the jungle, there is no fighting or killing or eating each other at Peace Rock.

Buddy: Well that stinks. Why would anyone agree to that?

Big Buddy: Because it’s Peace Rock! And the law of the jungle says during droughts, when the water is so low that you can see the rock, all animals can come and drink without fear of being eaten.

Buddy: Mowgli’s scooping up the water and…whoah.

Big Buddy: A tiger.

image_49a50655

Buddy: He’s majestic! Wow, look at how the other animals back up like 100 feet. That’s respect!

Big Buddy: That’s Shere Khan, the most feared animal in the jungle.

Buddy: He looks like me! He has stripes, I have stripes too. He has long whiskers, I have long whiskers. He has big muscles, I have big muscles!

Big Buddy: Oh yeah. The resemblance is uncanny.

Buddy: Thanks!

Big Buddy: Have I ever told you what sarcasm is?

Buddy: Like those coffins the ancient Egyptians used, all decorated and stuff.

buddyandtigermidres

Big Buddy: No, you moron. It’s…

Buddy: Wow! Listen to that roar! The other animals give Shere Khan as much space as he needs. Peace Rock becomes his own personal watering hole.

Big Buddy: Shere Khan is not happy with the wolves.

Buddy: Of course he’s not. They’re talking trash. Shere Khan is obviously the hero of this story. Go Khan! Go Khan!

Big Buddy: Now Bagheera is getting between Shere Khan and the wolves. Shere Khan says he smells a “man cub.” This is about Mowgli.

Buddy: Ah! Okay, so humans are in short supply in the jungle, and Shere Khan isn’t happy that Bagheera has his own human, but Shere Khan does not. He wants Mowgli to brush him, bring him food and scoop his box.

Big Buddy: Not exactly.

Buddy: Like anyone wants to hear your interpretation, Mr. “Jon Snow and Daenerys Rule Happily Ever After on Game of Thrones.”

Big Buddy: Touché. Hold the fort down for a minute, will you? I’ve gotta take care of numbah one.

Buddy: Okay.

Big Buddy: Remember, no dead air!

Buddy: Okay.

Big Buddy: What the &@$% did you do?

Buddy: I’m Shere Khan!

Big Buddy: Are those…crushed Cheez Doodles all over my floor? What in the world possessed you to roll all over them as if they’re catnip?

Buddy: Because I wanted to be orange, like Shere Khan! Now I look exactly like him! ROOOOOAAAAARRRRR!

Big Buddy: Give me that broom.

Buddy: Get it yourself, Shere Khan does no one’s bidding!

Big Buddy: You little…

— END OF RECORDING —

 

jungle_book_shere_khan

WANTED: Handy Human for Home Improvement

Buddy needs help remodeling things more to his tastes.

I need a handy human to come over to Big Buddy’s my apartment when Big Buddy is not here and help me with a little home improvement project.

Specifically I need you to unscrew all the hinge thingies and the hinges too, and take the doors down.

All of them.

Except maybe the one in the front because it keeps unwanted riff raff like dogs out of my house. But most definitely the doors to Big Buddy’s my bedroom and the bathroom need to go. Those are the most important ones.

nodoors

As payment you can keep the doors you take down, and you can take a selfie with me so you can show all your friends you met the most handsomest and ripped cat in all the realm.

P.S. – I will take TWO selfies with any handy human who can also build me a staircase to the treat cabinet in the kitchen!

printable_coloring_repair_front_door_frame_46_repair_exterior_door_jamb

Above: What I would like you to do in my house.

Dear Buddy: What’s a cat got to do to get some decent sleep?!

Without a good 16 hours of sleep I’m a zombie!

Dear Buddy,

You’ve gotta help me out, hermano. I’ve got a real crisis on my paws here.

I can’t get any decent sleep.

I own a pair of humans who decided a noisy neighborhood was a good spot to live. Buddy, you wouldn’t believe the racket around here: Blaring car horns, subwoofers that rattle the windows, construction a few houses away, infernal dogs barking.

The neighbor kids next door are always playing outside at ungodly hours, like during my 1 pm post-lunch siesta, my 3:30 pm nap and my post-dinner snooze. I can’t even get in a few hours before it’s bedtime and I hop under the covers with my humans.

Buddy, I haven’t had a decent 16-hour day’s sleep in ages. What do I do!?

Dead Tired in Detroit

DB10DC1F-D8A0-46B8-8B4D-E1DB973F14D0.jpeg

Dear Dead Tired in Detroit,

Ugh, that sounds awful! I get cranky if I don’t get my usual 16 to 18 hours in, so I can’t imagine what you’re going through.

This is gonna be tough, Detroit. I can’t help you with the construction or the cars, but we can get those kids and dogs sorted.

Deal with the neighbor brats the old school way by marking your territory. Poop in their yard and garden. Spray the side of their house. Scratch all the trees as high as you can so they think a huge tiger is on the loose. Let them know this is YOUR realm, and if the brats want to play they can sit inside and play X Boxes. (Where are these boxes? I have never seen them.)

The dogs are a little easier. Approach them carefully. When they bark, you say:

“Wow, I’ve never met a dog who doesn’t like bacon!”

They’re gonna get that stupid look on their faces, the one where their tongues hang out and their eyes go blank.

“What do you mean?” they’ll ask.

Here’s where you butter them up.

“The Bacon Faerie!” you’ll say matter-of-factly. “She leaves slices of thick, crispy bacon for good boys who don’t bark. But you already knew that, because you’re a smart dog!”

Try not to speak too fast and don’t call them stupid. Just wait for them to slobber while thinking about that delicious bacon, and your job is done.

“Yes, I…uh, I forgot about the Bacon Faerie,” the dumb dog will say.

Spread the rumor to a few other pups and you’ve got a quiet neighborhood with no barking. Steal some bacon once in a while and zoom around the neighborhood tossing slices into yards like a paperboy to keep the dumb dogs from wising up.

Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s been an hour since my last nap and my favorite spot on the couch is calling me.

Buddy

15960E56-2BE4-49C9-90FB-3D7271E0F51F

Sure, the Bacon Faerie may not exist, but dogs don’t have to know that!

Buddy and the People

How our cats interact with other people can reveal a lot about their personalities.

Buddy and the People. Sounds like a dance-rock band, doesn’t it? Or maybe an 80s pop group with a Huey Lewis vibe.

One of the more interesting aspects of being a cat caretaker minion is seeing how our furry friends interact with other people. For those of us who write about cats — and everyone who has a cat — most of our musings tend to focus on our direct relationships with the little ones.

But getting to sit back and watch how they respond to others can be just as much fun, and sometimes we get to see new aspects of our cats’ personalities.

Buddy is exceptionally friendly and sociable. I like to think it’s because I socialized the shit out of him as a kitten, taking him to new places, having him meet new people, and even making friends with a few dogs. But the truth is he’s been that way since kittenhood, and hopefully I did my best to encourage it.

My Brother, the Other Big Buddy

My brother is Buddy’s favorite person in the world, aside from Big Buddy of course. Bud knows he’s family and treats him that way.

When my brother was staying with me for a few nights and he took the couch, there could not be a closed door between us. Buddy wasn’t having it.

Eventually I relented, warned my brother that he’d likely be startled by feline hi-jinx before falling asleep, and would be woken up rudely at least once overnight. Maybe he’d wake to find Buddy perched on his chest and licking his face. Maybe he’d be violently ripped out of sleep by my jerk of a cat pouncing on his stomach. Or maybe he’d get the classic “Isn’t your face a reasonable place to walk?” indifference cats are famous for.

My Niece, the Terrible Toddler

buddyretreats

(Buddy retreating from my niece. This was the one and only day he wore a collar, spending most of his time trying to get it off before I relented after about two hours and removed it for him.)

His daughter, my niece, is a completely different story. Buddy is terrified of her.

They were babies at the same time, and we’ve got some cute photos of the two of them. I’ve always been careful to supervise any interaction, making sure they’re gentle with each other: No tail-pulling, no clawing. They were good together.

Then my niece became fully ambulatory, and everything changed. Suddenly Buddy’s home, his kingdom, was invaded by this lumbering, oblivious toddler who could very likely hurt him by lack of fine motor skills alone. She chased him, tried to pet him and was delighted every time he ran in terror and retreated to higher ground.

One weekend when I was the babysitter, the Funcle, she asked if she could use the wand toy — Da Bird, for cat servants in the know — to play with him.

Why not? I thought. I showed her how to hold the wand and demonstrated how we play with the cat chasing the feathers.

Then I handed it to her and watched with horror as she proceeded to swing it at Buddy like a slugger trying to blast a 3-0 pitch out of a ballpark.

We put the wand toys on hold after that.

littlebabybuddy

My Mom, the Wicked and Cruel

Buddy loves my mom, but my mom does not love Buddy.

She’s the kind of person who gets grossed out by cat hair on her clothes and thinks cats are inscrutable, selfish little beasts. Most of the time she ignores poor Buddy’s attempts at affection. She won’t acknowledge him when he rubs up against her legs or bunts his head against her hand.

This has afforded me the opportunity to make her feel guilty with cartoonishly monstrous accusations:

“This poor little cat just wants you to love him, and you can’t even give him a scratch on the head and say good boy? What kind of person is so cold-hearted?”

She’s watched Buddy for me a few times, mostly when I’ve been gone for long weekends. She knows Buddy sleeps on top of me, and I really lay the guilt trip on her for refusing to allow him to sleep in bed with her:

“You’re telling me you’re going to listen to little Buddy crying at the bedroom door, you’re going to hear his tiny paws beating desperately against the door and ignore his plaintive mews for comfort? He just wants to be loved! You are a terrible, disgusting person. Oh, and don’t forget to put fresh water in his bowl every time you feed him.”

Then to add the final touch, the killer ingredient in the guilt sandwich, I’ll text her my first night I’m away and tell her to send me daily photos of Bud next to the current day’s newspaper, so I know he’s still alive.

 

My Friends, the Apostates

True to a cat, the Budster is like a heat-seeking missile when it comes to approaching the least cat-friendly person in the room.

It’s like he’s saying “You will like me, human!” as he sprinkles on the sugar, rubbing up against the newcomer and purring like a sweet little kitty.

“You aren’t big on cats, are you?” I’ll usually ask. “Just pet him. Rub your hand through the fur on his back and scratch the top of his head.”

Invariably: “Wow, his fur is so soft!”

And just like that Buddy’s made a new friend, or has enlisted the services of a new servant, however you choose to look at it.

Perhaps the best are the naysayers and dog people. They never fail to set themselves up.

“Cats are okay, I guess, if you’re into stubborn pets who just sit there,” they’ll say. “But dogs? Dogs can do stuff. You can train dogs. You can’t train cats.”

That’s my favorite moment.

“Hey Bud!” I’ll call out, and Buddy’ll pad on over to me. “High five!”

The disbelief on the faces of doubters when Buddy slaps his little paw against my open palm is delicious.

Buddy 1, Guests 0.