Buddy the Cat sits in a lotus position, whiskers relaxed, with a serene expression on his face.
“As we enter the quantum realm of the mind and traverse the sacred lacuna leading to the mysteries of the cosmos, let us allow ourselves to drift, to feel the subtle tug of gravity asserting itself upon our quantum existences, so that we may reach simultaneous quantum enlightenment within the subatomic and macro universes,” Buddy says softly as a room full of his disciples imitate his posture.
Suddenly the chubby cat opens his eyes, scanning the room.
“And now the time has come,” he says, “for a quantum nap. Who would please the spirit of the cosmos by providing a suitably soft napping substrate?:
Every hand shoots up, with disciples — or “quantum mignons,” in Buddesian parlance — begging to be chosen.
The guru pads along the rows of disciples, wrinkling his nose to “discern the most comfortable chakras,” before settling in the lap of Maelle, a 20-year-old exchange student from France.
“I feel so blessed to be chosen,” she confesses as Guru Buddy climbs into her lap.
“I shall meditate,” Buddy tells her with a yawn, “upon your anima as the soothing stillness of sleep embraces me, fortifying your spirit with an increase in your alpha quotient.”
Maelle nods excitedly. “Thank you, enlightened guru!”
“And remember,” Buddy says, “should you feel the call of nature or the need to adjust your position, meditate upon your quantum quantumness to fortify your, uh, quantums so you don’t disturb me.”
The tabby cat settles down, then opens one eye.
“I almost forgot,” he says, raising his meows so all can hear him. “Please prepare my post-nap feast, for the quantum processes of my restorative beauty sleep make me famished. Serving me delicious food is most pleasing to the cosmic pantheon. I shall now spirit-walk the galactic plane and commune with the ancient alchemists of Epsilon Eridani to probe the mysteries of dark matter and KFC Extra Crispy. Can someone bring me a quantum pillow?”
Q̷̞͎͉̞͉̺̪̰̮̠̹̇̌̋͝ư̷̢̧̪̼̺͙̹̝̇̍a̴̧͌̿̉́͛͝͝ņ̷̠̠͕͗̃̚t̸̗̠̼̻͕̺̗̼̺̼͙͇͐̅̉̅̂̈́͝ư̴̢̧̧̬͔̙̠̼̦̠̇̿̋̌̆̓̓̌̍̈́̎͜ͅm̶̢̰̹̠̣̦̥͚̑̍̓͗͊̀̾̑̋̽̄͜͠͠ ̴̡̭͆̍͆̆̐̕̕͜B̶͓͉̼͍̄͐̌͒̽̾̀̈̃͜͜͝ụ̴̡͉̠̮̗̦͉̅̍d̴̡̧̧̛̮͉̟͍͚͈͚̜̹͐̇̏͒͋̿̈́͑͌̕͝d̸̡̤̳̬̿̈́̾̀͌y̴̢͉̦̗̯̋̏̐͌̈́̀̓
Pain In The Bud 