Dear Buddy: Why Should Us Cats Stay Indoors?

Buddy claims he’s a tiguar, not a domestic cat, and says allowing him outside is tantamount to Queen Daenerys allowing her dragons to roam the countryside in Game of Thrones.

Dear Buddy,

Dude. Everyone’s getting so uptight lately about making sure we stay inside. We’re predators! We should be running our neighborhoods, but no, our humans want to “protect” us.

As a famously fierce and ripped feline, what’s your take?

Frustrated in Fallbsurg

Dear Frustrated,

I empathize with you, I really do, but the way it was explained to me is that I’m a terrifying cat with huge meowscles, and by keeping me indoors, my human is protecting dogs, humans and other lower life forms from my potential wrath.

“Do they let tigers and jaguars run around New York?” Big Buddy asked me.

“Uh, no, I guess they don’t,” I said.

“Of course not. And that’s exactly why we can’t have you roaming the neighborhood. Think of the quandary Daenerys Targaryen had in Game of Thrones when her dragons were feasting on livestock from the farms of her subjects!”

And he’s right. A Buddy on the loose would cause all sorts of panic and other problems. I don’t want to be responsible for what happens when a bunch of humans freak out and go recklessly running in every direction, terrified I’m going to catch them.

If it takes sacrifice on my part to keep people comfortable, then I’m willing to endure the hardship of living indoors with a servant who heeds my every beck and call. It’s just the honorable thing to do.

Your friend,
Buddy

Buddy the Tiguar

Dear Buddy,

Hey, pal! How have you been?

Friendly in Florida

Hey Friendly,

I’ve been handsome, how have you been?

Buddy

Dear Buddy,

You’re not a tiger! Or a jaguar! You’re a chubby, sedentary, spoiled house cat with an enabler of a human who encourages your delusions of being a powerful big cat!

Just stop already, it’s embarrassing!

Cringing In Connecticut

Dear Cringing,

First of all, I am a tiger/jaguar, or a tiguar if you will. I just haven’t hit my growth spurt yet. My human assures me it’s gonna happen.

I also asked my human if it’s true that he’s “an enabler” who encourages my supposed delusions. His response: “That’s absurd. Who’s a big, bad cat? You are, aren’t you? Yes, you are!”

So obviously you’re a hater and soon you’ll see me prowling the jungle with David Attenborough talking about how dangerous I am! Just wait!

Buddy the Badass

11 thoughts on “Dear Buddy: Why Should Us Cats Stay Indoors?”

  1. Hey Buddy! Yes you ARE THAT TIGER! I can tell cause your roars are deafening! And Spunkmeyer roars too!

    He says “Mew?” Hard to believe that this 20 lb cat has A Tiny Mew..”

    But he is a predator for sure! The other day he had a face stare of the “intense kind” with a Rufous Towhee who flew off and told his flock that a funny furry thing looked at him and then the whole flock could be heard laughing as they flew off! The last bird yelled “Mew? Hahahaha!!!”

    I couldn’t bring myself to tell him…

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    1. Those birds are playing with fire by mocking Spunk’s roar. They feel emboldened by the presence of glass between them and the tiger they mock, but should that glass break, well…

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  2. Not only does Buddy patiently explain why dangerous felines like himself should stay inside for the greater good, he also defends his status as a meowscular menace. Buddy’s advice column should be available in all media – print and online.

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    1. Great idea. We will approach the New York Times, Newsweek, Reuters, AFP, the Yomiuri Shimbun and other prominent publications about running Buddy’s column. Human advice columnists are so last century.

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  3. it’s obvious that Buddy is a fearsome feline who would devastate any neighbourhood with ease. I am grateful that he stays indoors and is kept calm with treats and yums, it is only a short jump from Buddy roaming the streets to flying across the ocean to London and teaming up with Bella. I can only sleep easy knowing that he is indoors.

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    1. If he managed to cross the Atlantic with a few of his jaguar buddies and team up with Bella, no restaurant or grocery store would be safe, and thousands of dogs would try their luck swimming for France. Sounds pretty awesome, actually.

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      2. Just checked it out. Great footage, reminds me of the videos of macaque troops I used to watch, just animal behavior with no commentary. The kitten is very cute. I looked up the camera they used…Sadly I’d get clawed to death if I tried to have my liege lord wear one.

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