personal space – Pain In The Bud

Doesn’t Anyone Teach You About Personal Space?

All right, dude, enough! Damn!

You were doing a good job there for a little bit but by the 4th second you should have known it was time to cease scratching my head.

Do humans not teach their offspring about personal space or something? I am a cat, not a stuffed animal!

From now on there will be an automatic three-second cutoff during petting sessions, and I will enforce a two-foot buffer zone so my space is respected. You leave me no choice!

I Can’t Sleep Unless I’m Draped Over You

Are you settled? Comfortable? Ready to go to sleep?

Good.

I’m just gonna climb up here and sort of just unroll myself across your body. It’s the only way I can fall asleep these days.

I think part of it is the gentle rhythm of your breathing, your chest rising and falling, that really relaxes me, although that little current of air when you exhale is annoying. Try to breathe less annoyingly, okay?

If you wake up during the night and I’m wrapped around your head like a hat, do not be alarmed. Your hair is soft and your brain generates heat. This is prime real estate.

Likewise, there may be times when I walk on your face, lick your nose, groom your beard, or jump on you with a back paw landing right where the sun don’t shine. As you fold up like an accordion in shock, and blink in the dark with your 20/800 uncorrected vision, remind yourself that it’s just your best little pal trying to get comfortable.

Mi casa es su casa, eh? I’m your feline friend! Your best bud! Now if you don’t mind, stop tossing and turning so I can get my beauty sleep. Thank you for your anticipated cooperation.

‘Personal Space is Sacred!’

Hey! Unhand me, human! Did I say you could assault my cheeks and ears?!?

Well, yes, usually I do like when you give me scritches, but right now I could do without your sweaty, no-fur-having, clumsy human paw.

As a matter of fact, get away from me! I was here first! This is my couch, I merely let you occupy it out of the goodness of my heart because I’m such an unselfish feline. I would like to remain undisturbed until further notice!

What is it with humans and personal space, huh? What kind of malfunction leads your supposedly intelligent and “superior” species to sidle up uninvited and just start stroking feline fur? Did we call you over? Did we paw deliver a “Come pet me!” card in golf leaf ink? Did I personally invite you to groom me?

I think not.

We’re gonna have to start working on boundaries, human. Now fetch me a snack while I mull this over.

‘You’re My Mattress, Human!’

Nothing’s better after a long day of eating and sleeping than having a nice dinner and settling down on your lap for a comfortable nap. Don’t get me wrong, ~~your~~ my bed isn’t bad. The chair is comfy. I even nap on your computer chair from time to time, especially after you vacate it and it’s nice and warm. The rug underneath the table even has its charms.

But nothing beats sleeping in your lap, or on your legs, or on your chest, or even sleeping on your back and using your butt as a pillow. When you woke up the other night and could hardly breathe because I was draped over your face, that was pretty funny, wasn’t it?

Yep. It’s nice that we’re such good pals, human and cat, that I can use you as my mattress!

As you know, it’s impossible for me to catch some Zs without sleeping directly on top of you, burrowed into your side, or even with a paw resting on you if it’s a hot summer night. That way you can’t get out of bed without me knowing about it, and you can’t sneak off to the bathroom without me.

What’s a bit of personal space between feline and human friends?