Did you know Buddy is an accomplished poet and cat of letters?
Haiku:
The food of the gods
Turkey, it’s so delicious
More turkey, servant!
Time for seventh nap
Beauty rest is required
Sleep on you, human!
Mystical flower
Transforms boring to blissful
Give me catnip now!
Buddymandias:
I met a traveler from an antique cat cafe
Who said: “Two vast and polished turds
Stand in the litter…near them, in the disarray
Half sunk a shattered clump lies, resembling Los Gatos
With wrinkled lip and cold sneer of jealousy
Tell that its sculptor well read those passions and pathos
Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless turds of heresy
The paw that mocked them, and the heart that fed
And taped to the box, these words appear:
‘Our name is Los Gatos, Gang of Gangs we led
Look upon my catnip empire, ye mighty, and despair!’
Nothing beside remains round the decay
Of that colossal poop, boundless and bare
The lone and level litter stretches far away.”
The Raven
Once upon a midnight dreary I woke with something in my head
I couldn’t escape the memory of the poultry in my head
Like a game show contestant with a parting gift, I could not believe my eyes
When I heard through the voice of a trusted Big Buddy
Who used to humor me and feed me fries, yeah humor me and feed me fries
Quothe the raven: “Nevermore!”
“Shut up, raven!” I said. “Or I’ll make you into a late night snack
You may not be turkey, but every kind of bird I shall attack
So shut those loose lips, or I’ll use your bones as toothpicks
And then enjoy Temptations as a digestif.”
Buddy is available for readings at all distinguished parlors of poetry and bookstores. His chapbook, “Turkey In My Bowl,” is available in June from Handsome Boy Press.
“It’s clear the Queen loves Lord Buddy and values his counsel dearly. As a generous monarch, she’s able to reward his loyalty in ways commoners are simply unable.”
Feeling the loss of her husband, Prince Phillip, and celebrating her first Christmas without him in more than 70 years, Queen Elizabeth II turned to her friend, Sir Buddy, for friendship over the holidays.
Now she’s elevated the friendly tabby cat, creating him the 1st Earl of Budderset, a new peerage conceived specifically in his honor. Sir Buddy will henceforth be known as Lord Buddy, enjoying all the privileges and prestige that come with being a member of the British aristocracy. He’ll also enjoy the alternate style Count Buddy of Budderset.
“This is an unprecedented honor not only for a feline, but for anyone,” said Gavin Northbridge, a royal observer and author of Your Highness: The Royal Family’s Favorite Marijuana Strains. “It’s clear the Queen loves Lord Buddy and values his counsel dearly. As a generous monarch, she’s able to reward his loyalty in ways commoners are simply unable.”
The elevation in ranks entitles Buddy to London apartments as well as a country estate in Budderset. Buddington House, the new ancestral home of the Buddinese clan, boasts 68 rooms and no doors, as well as amenities including prime window perches, sisal-wrapped couches and a staff of 11 to see to Lord Buddy’s needs.
“His Lordship is a kind employer,” said Snarls Carson, Buddington House’s butler. “All of the servants, including the maids, footman, valet and chef, love working for His Lordship and maintaining Buddington House as the grand estate it’s meant to be.”
Mrs. Catmore, the resident chef at Buddington House, said the Earl is a “demanding lord,” but she’s honored to serve such an important role in his household.
“Orders for snacks are constantly coming from upstairs,” Mrs. Catmore said. “Me and Daisy can barely keep up. If this continues, we’re going to have to hire another girl. His Lordship needs his snacks!”
A statue of Earl Buddy, First Earl of Budderset, on the grounds of Budderset House. Credit: Wikimedia Commons
Lord Buddy is also bringing new twists to the old traditions of British aristocracy. While small game hunting has been one of the preferred leisure time sporting activities of the nobility, the Earl of Budderset has introduced a new game: Instead of hunting foxes, the participants hunt the hounds who would normally help them flush out foxes, pheasants and quail.
The Earl’s version of the hunt also eschews firearms in favor of Super Soakers, and instead of doing physical harm to the dogs, the participants capture and then insult their quarry, with prizes awarded to those who deploy the cleverest insults.
By throwing lavish feasts known for magnificent wine and tables laden with turkey of all flavors and variety, His Lordship has become popular in London society circles, according to royal expert Thomas J. Mace Archer-Mills, Esq.
“The Earl is on the tip of every tongue from Kensington Gardens to Piccadilly Cirus,” said Mace Archer-Mills, author of Royal Bakeology: The Queen’s Favorite Biscuits.
With Lord Buddy’s rapid ascent to knighthood and earldom, some royal observers speculate the queen’s favorite cat could yet climb to even more lofty heights. In the fallout from Prince Andrew’s association with the late disgraced billionaire Jeffrey Epstein — and a civil settlement with one of his accusers — the former royal’s royal patronage and military titles have been vacated, and he’s no longer entitled to styles of address like “His Royal Highness.”
That could open more doors for Lord Buddy.
“Is a future Duke Buddy in the cards? One mustn’t be too hasty with assumptions,” said Devon Camden Dankworth, author of Grand Tyromancy: The Royal Family’s Secret History of Cheese Divination. “But given his lordship’s meteoric rise and the favor he enjoys with the queen and future king, one would be a fool if one were to dismiss the possibility.”
More than 4.3 million felines signed an online petition demanding Buddy as 2022’s Sexiest Cat Alive.
A new year, a new milestone.
Acknowledging overwhelming demand — along with a letter-writing campaign and an online petition with 4.3 million signatures — CatPeople magazine named Buddy the Sexiest Cat Alive for 2022.
The cover of the new issue, which was already flying off stands in its first day on sale, features the “really, really ridiculously good looking” feline in close-up as he smolders in front of the camera. Fear not, ladies: The issue also includes a 12-page photo spread with plenty of photos of the furry beefcake showing off his considerable meowscles.
“I’ve reached a point in my life where I feel balance,” Buddy told the magazine. “My career as a model is going really well, I’ve become a bankable action star and I eat as much turkey as I want. Life is good.”
The one thing missing from Buddy’s life so far is love. But with millions of posters of the handsome feline adorning the walls of kitten and adult cat bedrooms alike all over the world, it only seems a matter of time before Buddy meets his match.
The silver tabby, who fields more than 600 letters and marriage proposals from female admirers each week, told CatPeople he’s still waiting for “that special lady” to come along — perhaps a Calico, a Tortoiseshell or a fellow tabby. He also counts tigresses and jaguaresses among his most vocal supporters and was recently seen holding paws with a glamorous and mysterious young Brazilian jaguarundi.
In the meantime audiences can’t get enough of Buddy, and he’ll return to cinemas later this month in The Turkening II: No Harm No Fowl opposite Penélope Mewz, while a long-awaited summer romcom will see him paired with Meowla Kunis.
Buddy is the face of 44 different snacks in Japan, earning him a cool 1.4 billion ¥ in 2021.
Admirers can also catch Bud in commercials for his new line of cat food, a fashion collaboration with rapper P-Awz, and a range of products in Japan, where Buddy is a popular pitchman for Japanese favorites like Kameda Seika’s turkey-flavored barbecue potato chips, Lotte’s milk-chocolate covered salmon, Meiji’s beef-flavored dipping sticks, and Uniqlo’s urban feline line of street wear.
What’s next for the multi-talented moggie?
Buddy says he plans to pen an autobiography in the near future, and he’s working on his debut album, Napping in the Moonlight, on Tails Up Records. But on a recent afternoon he was just enjoying a low key lunch with his agent in Hollywood when a group of young admirers spotted him and asked for pawtographs, for which he happily obliged.
One of those admirers, a Siamese named Cleo, nearly fainted when Buddy handed his pawtographed photo back to her.
“My friends aren’t gonna believe this!” she said. “This is going up right now on my Meower profile!”
Read more in this week’s issue of CatPeople, available now.
To Buddy’s horror, Big Buddy’s two nieces visited on Tuesday.
NEW YORK — Big Buddy’s nieces must vacate the premises or all humans will feel the full wrath of Buddy, the tabby cat warned Tuesday.
The girls, ages 8 and 5, are “ordered to cease any and all activity and return forthwith to your place of origin or to the nearest convenient parallel dimension,” according to a notice filed on official Buddinese letterhead.
Witnesses reported the girls playing with Buddy’s wand toys, sitting in Buddy’s favorite spots, making noise louder than the agreed-on 70dB limit, and distracting Big Buddy resulting in an unthinkable 67-minute delay in serving Buddy’s dinner of beef pate.
“Poor Buddy was forced to retreat to the bedroom,” one source said. “How can he be expected to lounge comfortably when those chaotic, sugar-fueled miniature humans could come for his spot at any moment?”
In this file photo from 2015, a young Buddy retreats to the platform atop his scratcher as a miniature humans approaches. This was also The Only Day Bud Wore A Collar.
Buddy “feels his kingship and control over his vast domain is threatened by the presence of the tiny humans,” the source added.
The day started innocently enough, with Buddy enthusiastically greeting Big Buddy’s brother, who works for the State Department and has been living overseas. Buddy, who was not told in advance of the festivities, immediately understood that Big Buddy’s brother was there to celebrate the holidays.
But all was not well.
After greeting BoBB (Brother of Big Buddy), the tabby cat was horrified to see the two little humans walk into the home, accompanied by BoBB’s wife, whom Buddy is indifferent to.
“I don’t think Buddy has figured out that BoBB is the father of the two girls,” another source said. “Certainly if he understood that, he would not greet BoBB as warmly as he has.”
As of press time, Buddy was giving Big Buddy the silent treatment.
“He won’t talk to his human,” the source said. “Not even a meow.”
An office employee demanded ‘sensitivity training’ after a co-worker joked about an orange cat’s smarts.
Humane Societies in California and Indiana hope people have it in their hearts to welcome new cats into their homes this holiday season after 110 cats were rescued from two different hoarding situations.
In Pasadena, Calif., the Humane Society rescued 52 cats who were living in a nearby home and in a crawlspace under the house. They’re calling the rescued kitties “Christmas Cats,” have given them names like Jolly, Merry and Jingle, and will offer discounted adoption fees in addition to spaying/neutering and microchipping the kitties before they’re sent to their forever homes.
A ‘Christmas Cat’ rescued from a hoarder in California. Credit: Pasadena Humane Society
A ‘Christmas Cat’ rescued from a hoarder in California. Credit: Pasadena Humane Society
A ‘Christmas Cat’ rescued from a hoarder in California. Credit: Pasadena Humane Society
A ‘Christmas Cat’ rescued from a hoarder in California. Credit: Pasadena Humane Society
Meanwhile, local authorities rescued 58 cats from a hoarding situation in Evansville, Indiana. The kitties were crammed into a single-wide trailer and many of them were in poor health, according to Kendall Paul of the Vanderburgh Humane Society.
“I think it probably started innocently enough, with the person trying to take care of just a couple of cats and then things got out of hand,” Paul said. “Most of these cats are ill with upper respiratory infections, some with more serious issues.”
The organization is calling its holiday cat adoption event “Deck the Paws,” and adopters will be able to choose from “presents” from beneath a Christmas tree, each containing discounts on adoption fees.
“We’re certainly hoping people will step up and help us,” Paul told the Evansville Courier & Press. “If you want to adopt a cat, we have lots here that are ready for new homes.”
Epic Cat Battle: Employee Demands ‘Sensitivity Training’ For Co-Worker Who Joked ‘Orange Cats Are Often Dumb’
A Redditor sought the sage advice of the always-hilarious “Am I The Asshole?” sub-Reddit, explaining her dire situation. She works in an agency with two office cats: Jean, a tortoiseshell, and Jorts, the new cat on the block who is an orange tabby.
Jorts isn’t the sharpest claw on the paw.
The Redditor explains that Jorts is “kind of a simple guy” who can’t open doors and gets himself locked into rooms and the closet where he and Jean have their food nook. When kitty Jean can’t rescue Jorts (she can open most of the doors in the office, the Redditor wrote), Jorts meows until one of the employees rescues him from his predicament.
A co-worker named Pam decided Jorts should be more independent and “has been spending a lot of time trying to teach Jorts things.”
The Redditor favored a more simple solution and put a doorstop against the closet door so Jorts wouldn’t get himself stuck every time he went for a bite. That angered Pam, who insisted using a doorstop was depriving poor Jorts of a “chance to learn.”
Then Pam went full Karen, drawing up “a series of special learning activities for Jorts, and put the tasks on the whiteboard of daily team tasks.”
“Who you callin’ dumb?” Credit: Nantenaina Andrianjaka/Pexels
The Redditor tried to put the entire thing to rest by installing a cat flap and tried to diffuse the office tension by joking that they couldn’t “expect Jean’s tortoiseshell smarts from orange cat Jorts.”
The joke made Pam “furious”: “She started crying and left the hallway, then sent an email to the group (including volunteers) and went home early. In her email Pam said I was ‘perpetuating ethnic stereotypes by saying orange cats are dumb’ and is demanding a racial sensitivity training before she will return.”
The Redditor followed up with a second post after HR stepped in and — unlike many HR departments — had some level-headed people bring much-needed sanity to the kerfuffle. They told Pam to chill out and to stop assigning “Jorts-related tutoring” tasks to her co-workers. They also told her it was inappropriate to compare a co-worker installing a helpful doorstop to ethnic insensitivity.
During her little chat with HR, Pam also admitted she’d taken the tutoring thing too far:
“Lastly, and this made us both laugh so hard we can’t deal with it in person and will be said via email: Pam admits that she has been putting margarine on Jorts in an attempt to teach him to groom himself better. This may explain the diarrhea problem Jean developed (which required a vet visit).”
Speaking as a fellow redhead, I’m outraged! My people (human and cat alike) have been the butt of jokes for too long, and it’s time we organized a Union of Extraordinary Redheads to promote our shared interests, protect our own, and show the brown- and blonde-headed people of the world that we will not take their ridicule anymore! Jorts will receive his invitation in the mail shortly.
Pain In The Bud 