Feeding Buddies Is Not A Crime!

Jerks in Ohio want to send a 79-year-old woman to jail for the “crime” of feeding cats.

Nancy Segula lost her husband and her cats in 2017 and, feeling lonely, she made friends with the stray buddies in her neighborhood via the most direct route to a kitty’s heart — food.

Now poor Nancy has the prospect of 10 days in jail hanging over her head because curmudgeons in her hometown of Garfield Heights, Ohio, complained about her acts of charity service to cats and called the police.

“I’m an animal lover, and I feel guilty that they’re wandering around out there and they have nothing to eat,” Segula explained, as if serving cats requires explaining. “So I just feel that I need to give them food.”

What a sad legacy for a town named after a fat orange tabby cat!

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Now a judge has intervened and will hold a hearing this month in an attempt to diffuse the situation and avoid jailing the kindly Mrs. Segula for the “crime” of doing what all humans should do.

Buddy wants YOU to write letters of support on behalf of Mrs. Segula! It’s very important that you DO NOT send them poop! Ask your humans for envelopes and stamps, then dictate the letters to them. Or if you have one of those fancy computers, you can email the mayor directly at vcollova@garfieldhts.org and ask him to get rid of that ridiculous ordinance that makes it a crime for humans to feed their feline overlords.

Remember, no poop!

Murder or Affection? Ask Your Cat!

Reminder: Your adorable kitty can murder you in your sleep.

Luis Navarro was having trouble breathing at night, so he set up a video camera to film himself while sleeping, Paranormal Activity style.

Sure enough the footage revealed something terrifying: The Texas man’s tabby cat was climbing into bed with him and clamping down like a facehugger from Alien, smothering his face in fur!

To explain this behavior we turned to Buddy, who offered his insights and expertise as a cat.

Big Buddy: Thanks for taking the time to help us make sense of these images, Bud.

Little Buddy: You’re very welcome. Just remember my fee in treats is due at the end of this conversation. Ten Temptations.

BB: Six!

LB: Eleven!

BB: Six!

LB: Nine! That’s as low as I go.

BB: Then I guess we’ll have to find another cat to answer…

LB: No! No. Six it is. You drive a hard bargain, human.

BB: That’s because I’m the one who has to clean up your puke if you get sick. So anyway, what’s going on in these photos?

LB: Okay, the kitty jumps into bed with Luis.

BB: Yes.

LB: And he hugs Luis’ face.

BB: Yes. We can see that. But why?

LB: Well, humans always want to see the best in us, so they’ll convince themselves that Luis’ cat loves him so much and it’s just a hug.

BB: You’re saying it’s not a hug?

LB: Of course not. It’s practice.

BB: Practice…for what?

LB: Isn’t it obvious? Murder. For when Luis becomes a stingy jerk and gives him six treats instead of 10.

BB: Oh! Still with the Temptations?

LB: I feel undervalued.

BB: You didn’t even answer the question!

LB: I did so! Now you know what happens to stingy humans who hold out on their feline masters. I believe you owe me 10 treats, sir.

So there you have it. Don’t piss off a cat, or he’ll murder you and make it look like the most adorable, loving murder ever.

Buddy’s Mailbag: Get Your Tongue Off Me!

“I want my human to lick me with a rubber tongue!” said no cat ever.

Dear Buddy,

I know your advice column is meant for cats, but I thought you’d make an exception for a human who seeks your wise and benevolent guidance, Oh Great Handsome One, for who else is as smart and perceptive as Buddy?

My question is: Should I buy a Licki? You know, one of those silicon rubber “tongues” with spikes that are supposed to mimic a kitty’s bristled tongue. I’d like to bond with my cat, and according to the people who make the Licki, grooming my kitty just like a momma cat is the best way to bond.

What do you think?

– Human In Hawkins, Indiana


Dear HiHi,

Oh hell no!

Big Buddy bought one of those things and creeped up on me all stealth-like when I was taking a nap one day. One second I’m dreaming about bountiful feasts with endless roast turkey, the next I’m waking up to that daft two-legs dragging a rubber tongue back and forth through my fur, looking like an epileptic seal.

I thought I was being attacked by a porcupine dipped in crazy glue! Once I realized what was happening, I gave Big Buddy a hard paw smack and bit his hand for emphasis: Get that weak shit out of my personal space!

Licki Terrorist!
Horrific and embarrassing for everyone involved. Don’t. Just don’t.

So no, don’t buy a Licki. You’ll just waste $25 on a piece of rubber that makes your cats loathe you. Instead, provide massages on-demand and step your treats game up. Now that is something your kitties will appreciate.

– Buddy out

Licki fail!
“Get it away from me!”
Licki? No.
This poor cat looks traumatized. He should smack his human like I did.

Buddy’s Mailbag: You Sexy Beast You

An admirer initiates a courtship ritual with Buddy, who is completely oblivious.

Dear Buddy,

My, you’re a handsome one. And single, too. Why don’t you and I get together?

– Cali the Calico


Dear Cali,

Thanks! Get together to do what, exactly?

– Buddy


Dear Buddy,

No need to be so coy, we’re both adults. To make more kitties, of course!

– Cali


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Dear Cali,

I’m confused. Big Buddy says the Kitty Stork delivers the kittens. Won’t the stork be mad that we’re taking his job?

Buddy


Dear Buddy,

Oh you little joker! Now seriously, I’m in heat so where will we meet?

Cali


Cali,

The heat wave is really bad! You should drink lots of water and make sure you get enough protein.

– Buddy


Buddy,

Okay, do you seriously not understand how kittens are made? Didn’t anyone ever have ‘the talk’ with you about the birds and the bees?

Cali


Cali,

Now you’re confusing me. I know about the stork. No one ever said bees were involved. I don’t like bees.

Buddy


Jerk Face,

Wow, what a man-child! I’ll bet you play video games too with your precious “Big Buddy.” Losers!

– Cali


Cali,

We love playing video games! But we win more than we lose! If you wanted to come over to play video games, why didn’t you just say so?

Hello?

Hello?!

Cali??

Was it something I said?

IMG_2676

Buddy’s Browser History

Uh, what’s this $42.07 charge for KFC on my credit card?

MEOWZILLA FIRECAT BROWSER HISTORY   

July 19, 2019

catnip how to get – google.com search 11:31 pm

catnip best kind – google.com search 11:38 pm

does catnip give u the munchies – google.com search 11:42 pm

HOW TO DESTROY DOOR – google.com search 12:01 am

July 20, 2019

kfc – google.com search 7/20/2019 8:14 pm

pictures of kfc – google.com search 7/20/2019 8:14 pm

pictures of kfc extra crispy – google.com search 7/20/2019 8:19 pm

KFC.com – Enter Your Credit Card Information – 7/20/2019 8:26 pm

KFC.com – Order Confirmation 7/20/2019 8:26 pm

KFC.com – Invalid Billing Information 7/20/2019 8:26 pm

KFC.com – Invalid Billing Information 7/20/2019 8:28 pm

steal human’s cerdit card – google.com search 7/20/2019 8:34 pm

KFC.com – Thank You for Your Order 7/20/2019 8:39 pm

C27F7E91-9F65-4908-9FE8-E895010ABEEC

July 23, 2019

picturrs hot calico – google.com search 1:03 am

picturrs hot calico butt – google.com search 1:07 am

July 24, 2019

wtf is scary moving room – google.com search 11:49 am

room moves scary – google.com search 11:52 am

doors open room moves very scary – google.com search 11:53 am

Elevator – Wikimedia Commons – 11:53 am

July 25, 2019

Mewlander – google.com search 12:37 am

Derek Mewlander tomcat model – google.com search 12:39 am

how 2 become cat model – google.com search 12:42 am

91CA19E3-03C6-42AA-A99C-4D76D6855E19

July 26, 2019

11 Litterbox Hacks – Meoowgle.com 1:03 am

Veterinarian Says Do THIS Every Morning For Silky Smooth Coat – Meoowgle.com 1:08 am

7 Celebrity Kitties You Didn’t Know Were Still Alive – FuzzFeed.com 1:26 am

Get Your Humans To Feed You More With This 1 Weird Trick! – FuzzFeed.com 1:31 am

Take This Quiz And Find Out Which ThunderCat You Are!! – FuzzFeed.com 1:36 am

Street Cat Bob Throws Shade At Grumpy Cat On Twitter, Celebricats Reactions Are PRICELESS – PawrezHilton.com 1:47 am

Whiskers Rees-Moggy DESTROYS The Libs: “Vegan Kibble Is For Pussies” – PawrezHilton.com 1:52 am