Little Buddy the Cat told the artist to take “a small amount of artistic license.”
NEW YORK — Big Buddy returned home on Tuesday to find the living room wall adorned with a huge framed portrait depicting a man resembling a viking alongside a massive tiger.
“Buuuuuud!” Big Buddy yelled. “What the hell is this?”
Little Buddy popped up from his spot on the couch, then stretched and yawned.
“Oh that? I had another portrait of us commissioned, you like?”
Big Buddy glowered.
“No, I do not like! You are not a tiger and I am not…a viking warlord or whatever the hell that’s supposed to be.”
Little Buddy casually scratched the couch and shrugged.
“I may have asked the artist to take a small amount of artistic license,” he said, “but I think it’s pretty accurate for the most part.”
Big Buddy sighed.
“Take it down,” he said. “It’s absurd.”
Little Buddy cackled.
“But you haven’t even seen the other one yet!”
“The Buddies II,” painted by feline artist Meowster Hans Holbein. In a very slight exaggeration, Little Buddy the Cat is portrayed as a tiger while Big Buddy the Human is a viking warlord
Update: This is now a conspiracy! Reader M’s cat, Ramses, has commissioned a similar portrait of human and feline:
We asked six cats what they think about the possibility of humanity worshiping their species again.
It’s said that the people of ancient Egypt venerated cats as deities and treated them with the utmost respect in addition to pampering them, granting them access to pharaonic palaces and feeding them from the pharaoh’s own kitchens.
Cats have not forgotten their elevated status in ancient Egypt, even thousands of years later, and they yearn for a return to the days when they were served with veneration rather than simply being served.
Should humans worship cats as they did in ancient Egypt?
“I don’t see how that would be any different than the arrangement we have now.”
Sofi Sen Hotep Re, 5
“If it means I get a golden litter box, several cat-size palaces, a summer residence on the Nile and more servants, then naturally, yes.”
Catshepsut, 7
“Of course they should worship us! Who else are they going to worship, dogs? LOL!”
Catthor, 2
“I shall have my human servants wear loinclothes and brand them with my name, just to remind them who’s boss.”
Ca’at, 8
“What do Egyptian gods eat? Was Osiris into turkey? Because I like turkey.”
Buddeses I, 9
“I’m willing to model for a new Great Sphinx of Giza since the old one was defaced by some ridiculous human replacing a cat’s face with his own.”
Tired of waiting for his human servant to convalesce, Little Buddy has assumed blogging duties. The world looks very different through the eyes of a handsome cat.
Big Buddy is still sick, which annoys me for several reasons including: 1) The level of service is subpar and has NOT returned to pre-COVID standards of excellence. Unacceptable! 2) I’m told I have fans on something called the internet, and Big Buddy has been derelict in his duties, which I’m told involve updating all my fans about how delightful I am, and all the awesome stuff I do on a daily basis. (In between regularly scheduled naps, of course.)
So in the interest of serving my many fans, and not because I have a big ego, I’m taking over the blog for the immediate future! If there was ever a time you wanted to hear directly from Little Buddy, now’s your chance.
So where was I? Right. All the awesome stuff I’ve been doing. Here’s the cover of my newest comic book, the Adventures of Baby Bud. It’s about all the awesome stuff I did as a kitten. I am much bigger and more meowscular now, but I was already very handsome in my kitten days:
Handsome and meowscular!
Buddy the Cat and the Mystery of the Missing Cat-Sitters!
We have a mystery on our hands, people! A real head-scratcher!
You see, the number of people willing to cat-sit me has dwindled to zero. That’s really sad awesome, because it means Big Buddy can’t go away OR he has to take me with him to all the places he goes, like Washington, the Outer Banks and upstate New York.
Some of you may remember that I accidentally attacked my original cat-sitter, Sue. There may have been some light clawing and maybe teeth involved, but it was no biggie. Humans are so dramatic about these things.
Well, Sue is very nice and the next time Big Buddy went away, she said she’d still stop by to feed me every day but she wouldn’t play with me anymore. (So dramatic.) Also, she had some sort of shield when she entered my domicile, and she kept saying “Be calm, Buddy, be calm! I’m just here to feed you!”
The thing is, I sort of maybe attacked her again. It wasn’t my fault, okay? I thought a chalupacabra was breaking in and I had to defend my territory!
Fast forward to late June and everyone who had cat-sat for me before was suddenly “busy.” Very strange. So Big Buddy turned to the one person who wouldn’t say no, Mother of Big Buddy, or MoBB, and she watched me while Big Buddy cruelly jetted off to Washington to hang out with Brother of Big Buddy (BoBB), his wife and their vile miniature humans. What? Is vile too strong of a word? Okay, their unpredictable, undeveloped-motor-skills-having, loud, terrifying miniature humans. Is that better?
Anyway, I sort of accidentally attacked MoBB too LOL. See, what happened was she woke up and went into the kitchen to make coffee, and I got agitated when I didn’t see any movement indicating she was going to feed me, and I sort of tripped and tried to break my fall by wrapping all four paws around her right leg, raking them down her calf and maybe kind of biting her shin a little bit until the skin broke.
And, uh, she might have had to go to urgent care, where the doctor claimed the “wound” from my “bite” was “infected” and prescribed her some sort of pills.
Like I said, it was all very dramatic. So now no one will watch me. Poor Little Buddy. I guess I’m just gonna have to sacrifice and accompany my Big Buddy on his next adventure. It’ll be tough, but I’m a team player and I’ll see this through so that my pal can get away for a few days without having to leave me home.
So that’s what’s been up in La Casa de Buddy. What’s up with you? 😎
Ever year, 3.2 million little buddies enter shelters across the US, hoping for forever homes and humans to love them.
A message from Buddy, Purrsident of the Americats:
June is national Adopt A Cat Month here in our great country, and it’s no coincidence that it coincides with kitten season when hundreds of thousands of little buddies are born.
Those babies will need forever homes and attentive human servants to see to their needs, but don’t forget the adult buddies in your local shelter! They need homes too, and if you like to keep things low key, they’re the buddies for you. Bonus: They come pre-installed with purrsonalities, so there’s less guesswork involved if you’re adding a new living room lion to your existing pride.
Just remember, June is ADOPT a cat month, not “buy a cat from a breeder” month! When you adopt a cat, you’re making a friend for life who will be forever grateful to you…although kitty will still expect you to be a good servant, because that is the natural order of things!
Do you patriotic duty and adopt an Americat!
Purrsident Buddy
A patriotic message from Purrsident Buddy! Feel free to share it or print it out. Credit: PITB
A patriotic message from Purrsident Buddy! Feel free to share it or print it out. Credit: PITB
Buddy losing his normally meowscular and ripped physique is my fault.
Ruh roh! It’s diet time again.
The meowing protests have begun.
Buddy has noticed his dry food tastes a little bit different, and he’s not happy. And while he may not be good with numbers, he strongly suspects his snack allocations are a little light.
He’s right.
Good boy has become fat boy, and that’s my fault and my responsibility.
When you love your cat, it’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that giving in all the time is an expression of love.
Cats are pros at insistence, especially when it comes to food. When Buddy stands in front of the treat cabinet and meows mournfully, or when he gives me his sad-eyed stare as if he’s Julius Caesar — “Et tu, Big Bud?” — I’m weak and I fold. Snacks are dispensed.
Chonky cats suffer health problems, reduced mobility and ill-fitting suits. Image: PITB
Yet there’s no denying Bud is plump.
He’s got a belly, and it’s not just his pronounced primordial pouch. His cheeks are starting to fill out. When he loafs, he looks like a gray blob.
He’s also incapable of doing his old door-opening trick, which requires him to jump and momentarily hang from the handle while his feet find purchase on the frame. Shoving off on his hind legs, he would push the handle down while leaning into the door, easing it open.
He’s just too chunky, unable to balance his weight properly to pull it off nowadays.
Most importantly, a chubby Buddy is not a healthy Buddy. That’s my fault.
So it’s back to the diet, and hopefully the little guy can be motivated to move more during play time. If not, well, we’ll have to resort to drastic measures to get him moving. An angry vacuum ought to do it.
Pain In The Bud 