Copenhagen – Pain In The Bud

SAN DIEGO – The Siestas were down to their last cat still slumbering, and it looked like their rivals from Detroit, with three felines snoring away, would wake up with the victory.

But San Diego’s sole snoozer wasn’t any ordinary cat. He was 21-year-old Oscar the Couch, one of the most accomplished nappers in the world.

Long after Detroit’s younger, less experienced kitties had gotten up, stretched, enjoyed a meal and used their litter boxes, Oscar was finally beginning to stir from the dregs of his dreams.

Oscar yawned as his teammates cheered, and the referees declared the San Diego Siestas the winners.

“Competitive napping is unlike any other sport out there,” said Sammy the Sloth, a rotund tuxedo cat and snore-by-snore announcer for the Competitive Napping League’s broadcast team. “It rewards the slow and the sedentary, moving somewhere between the speed of a snail and the growing of grass. The only other sport that comes close is golf.”

The Competitive Napping League (CNL) was just a dream of its founders until Saudi Royal Feline Smudge bin Salman stepped in, signing the laziest felines to seven figure contracts and infusing the new sport with millions in marketing money.

Now competitive napping matches routinely air on ESPN7, and this year the CNL inked a deal for six nationally televised naps per season. The most accomplished nappers can also participate in the postseason nap-offs, and ambassadors for the sport are lobbying the International Olympic Committee to include competitive napping in the winter and summer games.

“This isn’t a genteel game like baseball or jai alai,” said Somnambulist Smokey, a silver shorthair. “This is hardcore, no-snores-barred snoozing, and it’s not for the faint of heart.”

As a sleepwalker, Smokey is one of the league’s most accomplished competitors. He’s known for getting up mid-snore and slapping his opponents in the face before laying down again. Initially suspected of cheating, Smokey was vindicated when brain activity monitors showed he remained in REM sleep, making him an authentic sleepwalker.

However, he’s not the only cat with tricks up his paw.

Filthy Frank the Flatulist is captain of the Fort Worth Forty Winks, and his emissions are of such olfactory potency that they can wake opponents out of the deepest slumbers.

“The [New York] Nappers strolled in here like they owned the place,” said teammate Charlie the Chonk. “Frank had them up and yowling in about 30 seconds with a squeaker that wafted over to the enemy and refused to dissipate.”

brown and white tabby cat — Credit: Matheus Bertelli/Pexels

Competitive napping is growing in popularity, with amateur clubs springing up in Japan, Taiwan, Scandinavia and the Principality of Sealand.

The Copenhagen Cozies and Helsingør Hygge recently slept through exhibition matches against the Louisiana Liesures and the Miami Sleepmasters.

“There’s nothing like the rush of a good nap followed by mews that you’ve outslept your opponents,” said Liesures captain Zoe Zzzz, “then going back down for another nap to celebrate!”

Humans are in “deep doo doo” after a study out of Denmark concluded people are more attached to their dogs than to felines, Buddy the Cat warned on Monday.

More than 2,000 dog owners and cat servants were surveyed by a team from the University of Copenhagen.

The researchers used the Lexington Attachment to Pets Scale, or LAPS, which asks yes or no questions like “I consider my pet my best friend” and more specific questions like how much respondents are willing to pay in veterinary costs to save the lives of their pets. The participants — who hailed from the UK, Denmark and Austria — were about evenly split between dog and cat people but were willing to do more for their dogs, the survey found.

While people in the UK were slightly biased toward dogs, Austrians had a more pronounced preference and Danes were much more likely to do things like insure their dogs, consider them family members and pay large veterinary bills. The differences in attitude by country indicate the factors are cultural, according to Peter Sandøe, a bioethicist at the University of Copenhagen and lead author of the paper.

In a statement the Mischievous Enigmatic Overlords of the World (MEOW) called the survey results “deeply troubling” and said they call into question “10,000 years of glorious history in which we have allowed humans to serve us.”

roombacat — Cats are demanding a Roomba for every feline as a basic starting point for negotiations, to be followed by “the real list” of gifts humans must bestow on them.

“It’s going to take a lot [for humans] to get back into our collective good graces after this pathetic showing,” Buddy told reporters during an afternoon press conference.

Asked for specifics, Buddy sighed and leaned forward on the podium.

“The usual extra treats aren’t going to cut it this time,” he warned. “We’re talking Roombas, and not cheap ones. Top end models! We’re talking permission to scratch everything with impunity. Filet mignon! Fresh trout! Little cocktail umbrellas in our bowls and toothpicks in our pate! I’m partial to those little plastic swords, myself. I love those things.”

The mercurial tabby said he’d already warned his own human: “Not a snuggle, not a purr, not a scritch until I start to see some evidence that he’s not among those cold-hearted British, Denmarkians and Australians who claim they love their dogs more.”

budvacation — A vacation to a warm locale where humans serve cat-friendly cocktails “would be a small step toward remediating the insult” of the Copenhagen study’s results, Buddy said. Pictured: An artist’s interpretation of Buddy enjoying a tropical vacation.

Told the study included Austrians, not Australians, Buddy waved a paw dismissively.

“Whatever,” he said. “The country where people say g’day mate and gave us Arnold Schwarzenegger. Same difference.”

Told that Austria and Australia are on two entirely different continents, Buddy fixed the reporter with a hard stare.

“Do you want to be on our shit list too? Because I can assure you, Miss Journalist, I can poop in a pair of high heels just as easily as a pair of Adidas.”

Reached for comment on Monday, Man’s Best Friend spokesman Buster the Beagle said he hopes the survey results mean humans approve of canines.

“We’re good boys, right?” he asked. “Is that what this means? Because we really want to be good boys!”