Buddy’s Mailbag – Page 5

Buddy’s Mailbag: The Woman Who Identifies As A Cat

This is cultural appropriation!

Dear Buddy,

What do you think of this story about a 31-year-old woman who “identifies as a cat” and calls her boyfriend her “meowster”?

– A Real Cat

Woman Who Thinks She’s A Cat — *shudder* (Sauce: Barcroft TV)

Dear ARC,

Ugh! I cannot unsee this, do you realize that?

First of all, she’s doing it wrong:

Woman Who Wants To Be A Cat — WRONG! Erroneous! Totally wrong! (Barcroft TV)

What’s wrong with the above picture? Anyone who knows anything about my species will recognize immediately that the collar is on the wrong person. The “cat” should be leading the human around, although a collar isn’t strictly necessary for humans — usually a few stern meows are enough to get the message across.

Kat Lyons (come on!) fastens a tail to her behind, wears a pair of kitty ears on her head, and for some reason completes the look with a Catholic school girl skirt, because apparently my species dresses like Catholic school girls. (Plaid tabbies, anyone?)

In the accompanying video, Ms. Lyons climbs up onto a dinner table and awkwardly laps at a bowl of milk with her tongue.

”People are like ‘Oh, you’re not really a cat,’ and I’m like ‘I feel like I really am, though,’” Lyons told a documentary crew from Barcroft.

So what do I really think about all of this? I say, “Stop appropriating my culture!”

Licking your own butt, pooping in a box and sleeping 16 hours a day are traditions that have a long history among my people, and outsiders simply cannot understand the subtle cultural nuances of such behavior.

For example, screaming bloody murder when dinner is 45 seconds late is a tradition that has deep roots going back millennia to the days of the First Kittehs, and shitting on things is the time-honored way of registering displeasure.

It’s one thing to say “Stop! I don’t like what you’re doing!” and quite another to build a monument of fecal matter on your human’s pillow as a means of expressing deep dissatisfaction.

Cultural Appropriator! — A cultural appropriator appropriating my species’ well-known affinity for boxes. An outrage!

But if Ms. Lyons really wants to be a cat, she must pass the Trial of the Tabbies, and prove herself by catching and eating a delicious raw mouse.
She must possess the ability to groom herself, and she must demonstrate she can’t open cans anymore.

That’s a human superpower, and if Kat Lyons wants to be a real cat, she must forfeit her ability to perform such sorcery and meow for dinner like the rest of us.

Your friend,

Buddy

Buddy’s Mailbox: Help! My Human Won’t Wake Up When I’m Hungry!

Buddy advises a cat from the North Pole on how to wake his sleepy human.

Dearest Most Excellent Buddy,

May I say, sir, you are looking very ripped these days. You are totally not fat and your human is a criminal for putting you on a diet!

Food happens to be the subject of my distress as well. My human sleeps through things that would wake the dead, and she won’t get out of bed no matter how hungry I am! Sometimes I can see the bottom of my bowl and I’m literally starving, yet she won’t stir. What can I do?

Famished in Finland

Dear Famished,

Ooh! I’ve heard of Finland, the snowy realm where Santa Claws and his marsupials make toys for kitties who are good. I would like to visit some day.

Okay, you have yourself a situation. Luckily, Buddy has the answers.

You see, my Big Buddy is incredibly stubborn when I wake him up. Sometimes he throws pillows at me, and usually he yells that he’s going to take me to a place called Szechuan Garden II and sell me to them for $15 if I don’t shut up.

City Wok — “As you can see, he’s got extra meat on him…”

In order from pretty annoying to scorched Earth, here are my patented methods to wake sleepy humans:

– The Endless Yowl: Best delivered as close to your servant’s ear as possible. Requires quick reflexes for when your human tries to swat you away, and lots of stamina. You may be forced to yowl for upwards of 40 minutes.
– The Gentlemanly Slap: Okay, pretend you are French. Then pretend you are challenging your human to a duel. Then pretend you have gloves on, and you take one glove off and slap your human in the face with it. The slapping your human in the face part is the most crucial.
– The Face Pillow of Doom: Lay down on her face, making sure your fur covers your human’s nose and mouth. When she starts shaking, you’re close to winning.
– The Bellyflop of Utter Destruction: Find the highest perch in the room and climb to it. Face your human, aim for her tummy and jump, yelling “Geronimo!” You should hear a satisfying slap as you land, followed by a gasp from your human, who should pop right up like a piece of bread in a toaster! Then meow, “Feed me, bitch!” Mission accomplished!

Any of these methods should serve you nicely.

Your friend,

Buddy

DISCLAIMER FROM BIG BUDDY: Please don’t get upset at the Chinese food joke! I would NEVER sell Buddy to a Chinese restaurant for $15. He’s worth at least $20!

Groom Makes His Cat His Best Man

Best man, best cat, what’s the difference?

Dear Buddy,

Did you hear about Aaron Benitez, the guy who made his cat, Prince Michael, the best man at his wedding? What do you think of this story?

Curious in Colorado

918FE852-AFD1-4879-94CB-BF31EB82190E — Prince Michael, who doesn’t rock a tux as well as King Buddy.

EC0C303B-36B9-4738-998F-43313B71A00B — The remarkably tolerant bride poses with her new husband and his best man.

Dear Curious,

What a heartwarming story! Mr. Benitez obviously loves “Prince” Michael, and the bride seems pretty chill if she’s cool enough to allow that kind of distraction on her big day.

Do you know who also looks suave in a tuxedo? I’ll give you one guess: His name starts with King and ends with Buddy.

8F602B96-1C26-445D-9FFC-13348FA83B42 — Dapper and devastatingly handsome!

I’ve sent a copy of this story to Big Buddy, telling him to hurry up and get married so I can spend the night dancing with bridesmaids. Best buddy, best man!

– Buddy

Buddy’s Mailbag: You Sexy Beast You

An admirer initiates a courtship ritual with Buddy, who is completely oblivious.

Dear Buddy,

My, you’re a handsome one. And single, too. Why don’t you and I get together?

– Cali the Calico

Dear Cali,

Thanks! Get together to do what, exactly?

– Buddy

Dear Buddy,

No need to be so coy, we’re both adults. To make more kitties, of course!

– Cali

Dear Cali,

I’m confused. Big Buddy says the Kitty Stork delivers the kittens. Won’t the stork be mad that we’re taking his job?

Buddy

Dear Buddy,

Oh you little joker! Now seriously, I’m in heat so where will we meet?

Cali

Cali,

The heat wave is really bad! You should drink lots of water and make sure you get enough protein.

– Buddy

Buddy,

Okay, do you seriously not understand how kittens are made? Didn’t anyone ever have ‘the talk’ with you about the birds and the bees?

Cali

Cali,

Now you’re confusing me. I know about the stork. No one ever said bees were involved. I don’t like bees.

Buddy

Jerk Face,

Wow, what a man-child! I’ll bet you play video games too with your precious “Big Buddy.” Losers!

– Cali

Cali,

We love playing video games! But we win more than we lose! If you wanted to come over to play video games, why didn’t you just say so?

Hello?

Hello?!

Cali??

Was it something I said?

Buddy’s Mailbag: Oh Sh#t!!!

For the first time ever, Buddy is at a loss for words.

Little Runt Who Talk Too Much,

Me hear fat little tabby cat claiming he is strongest cat in world. Me crush fat little tabby cat! He is perfect size for breakfast sandwich! I put him between slices of bread and mayonnaise. Muahaha!

Name place and time, we see who is strongest cat. Hint: It is me.

– Murderclaw the Disemboweler