What’s In A (Cat’s) Name?

A good name means knowing the personality behind it.

Before I adopted Buddy, I vowed I’d be a different kind of cat dad.

Where other people gave their cats normal, mundane and even human names, I would give my kitten a spectacular moniker, one that would convey both his awesomeness and my cleverness.

If my new kitten were female, I’d name her Arya or Khaleesi. By the time I was ready to adopt, I was set on the former. For people who weren’t Game of Thrones obsessives for the past eight years, Arya Stark (pictured above) was the show’s plucky orphan and one of its most popular characters.

If my new kitten were male, I’d name him Khal Drogo after the fierce Dothraki warlord played by the musclebound Jason Momoa. But perhaps Khal Drogo wasn’t awesome enough. Maybe I needed something even more badass, like Tigron, Destroyer of Worlds, or Saberfang the Earthshaker.

Khal Drogo
Khal Drogo: Except for the huge muscles, he doesn’t have much in common with Buddy.

Then I took the soon-to-be-named Buddy home and realized those names were ridiculous. This tiny ball of fur with a pipsqueak mew couldn’t be Khal Drogo or Tigron. In fact, the first thing I called him was buddy: After I’d placed him in his brand new carrier and carefully buckled the carrier into the front passenger seat of my car, he looked at me through the bars with those big grey (at the time) eyes and cried.

“Don’t worry, buddy, we’re going to be best friends,” I assured him. “You’ll see.”

No doubt he was further traumatized and terrorized by my terrible singing voice as I queued up some tunes for the drive home.

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“Your singing voice is abominable. It should be outlawed under the Geneva Conventions.”

After some two weeks of indecision, I was hanging out with my brother one night when he asked me about my new friend.

“Ah, the cat…” I said.

“You still haven’t given him a name?” My brother was incredulous.

I had given him a name, I just hadn’t realized it yet. During those two weeks I called him buddy, with a lowercase b. A nickname. Not long after that, it became official.

My cat’s name is Buddy.

Saturday Night Travolta
“Everybody on the dance floor, shake your Buddy!”

In retrospect, it makes sense to hold off on granting a name for a while. There are a million Mittens and Socks and Shadows in the world, but how many cats have names that reflect their personality?

It turns out Buddy isn’t a particularly common cat name. It doesn’t appear at all in most popular cat name lists floating around the web, whether they’re sourced from registration, veterinary records or user-generated data.

Buddy finally makes an appearance way down on the list of cuteness.com’s most popular cat names, at #67, way behind enduring male names like Max, Charlie, Milo, Simba, Oliver, Jack, George, Loki, Jasper, Felix and Tiger.

In an article on male cat names, veterinarian Debra Primovic hits the nail on the head:

The majority of cats named Buddy are mixed breed cats owned or named by men. They are often rescued or strays brought into homes and hearts across the world. They are generally loyal and adore their owners.

A Buddy isn’t a prissy, carefully-bred show pet. He’s a Buddy.

The word buddy first came to prominence in 19th-century ‘Merica, and there are two main theories about where the name comes from. The most popular one posits “buddy” is a corruption of the word “brother,” according to Word Detective, while others trace its etymology back to “butty,” a slang-word for a comrade or co-worker among miners, pirates and others who were after “booty.”

Not booty in the modern sense, as in “Get on the dance floor and shake your booty!” but in the treasure sense, as in “Argh! Tell us where the booty be or walk the plank, we shall make ye! Now talk, scallywag!”

I like the first one because it fits: While I do feel parentally protective of my Bud, I see him more as a little brother or a best friend instead of my “child.” No disrespect meant to the people who call their cats “furbabies,” of course. It’s just how I envision our feline-human friendship.

What’s your cat’s naming story? Were you as ridiculous as I was, or did you have your heart set on something less absurd from the beginning?

Buddy’s Mailbox: Help! My Human Won’t Wake Up When I’m Hungry!

Buddy advises a cat from the North Pole on how to wake his sleepy human.

Dearest Most Excellent Buddy,

May I say, sir, you are looking very ripped these days. You are totally not fat and your human is a criminal for putting you on a diet!

Food happens to be the subject of my distress as well. My human sleeps through things that would wake the dead, and she won’t get out of bed no matter how hungry I am! Sometimes I can see the bottom of my bowl and I’m literally starving, yet she won’t stir. What can I do?

Famished in Finland

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Dear Famished,

Ooh! I’ve heard of Finland, the snowy realm where Santa Claws and his marsupials make toys for kitties who are good. I would like to visit some day.

Okay, you have yourself a situation. Luckily, Buddy has the answers.

You see, my Big Buddy is incredibly stubborn when I wake him up. Sometimes he throws pillows at me, and usually he yells that he’s going to take me to a place called Szechuan Garden II and sell me to them for $15 if I don’t shut up.

City Wok
“As you can see, he’s got extra meat on him…”

In order from pretty annoying to scorched Earth, here are my patented methods to wake sleepy humans:

The Endless Yowl: Best delivered as close to your servant’s ear as possible. Requires quick reflexes for when your human tries to swat you away, and lots of stamina. You may be forced to yowl for upwards of 40 minutes.
The Gentlemanly Slap: Okay, pretend you are French. Then pretend you are challenging your human to a duel. Then pretend you have gloves on, and you take one glove off and slap your human in the face with it. The slapping your human in the face part is the most crucial.
The Face Pillow of Doom: Lay down on her face, making sure your fur covers your human’s nose and mouth. When she starts shaking, you’re close to winning.
The Bellyflop of Utter Destruction: Find the highest perch in the room and climb to it. Face your human, aim for her tummy and jump, yelling “Geronimo!” You should hear a satisfying slap as you land, followed by a gasp from your human, who should pop right up like a piece of bread in a toaster! Then meow, “Feed me, bitch!” Mission accomplished!

Any of these methods should serve you nicely.

Your friend,

Buddy

DISCLAIMER FROM BIG BUDDY: Please don’t get upset at the Chinese food joke! I would NEVER sell Buddy to a Chinese restaurant for $15. He’s worth at least $20!

How Do These Nice Russian Ladies Know My Cat?

My cat’s been teleporting to Russia, apparently, where he’s become a muse to a pair of witty Russian ladies.

Dear readers, I think we’re close to proving what we’ve long suspected, that cats can indeed teleport!

I used to think Buddy could only teleport short distances. One time, for example, I stepped over the little guy while chastising him for lounging in the middle of a doorway. I raised my foot, careful not to step on him, took another step…and looked up to find him sitting on a table 10 feet ahead of me, his head cocked at an angle, staring back at me with an amused expression on his face.

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“How do I teleport? Easy. I use a retaining magnetic field to focus a narrow beam of gravitons. These in turn fold space-time consistent with Weyl tensor dynamics until the space-time curvature becomes infinitely large and you produce a singularity. Now, a singularity…”

I did a double take, looking back at the spot on the floor where he had just been, absolutely sure there must be a second gray tabby, a Buddy imposter helping my cat play a joke on me. How can anything move that fast?! He must have teleported!

Now it seems Buddy’s powers of space-time manipulation are greater than I ever imagined.

Enter Lingvistov, a creative team comprised of artist Landysh and writer Asia, who became friends while studying English at a Russian university. After they graduated they decided to put their skills to good use by penning short comic strips and illustrations about cats and their many weird and wonderful habits.

Somewhere along the way, Buddy must have used his powers of teleportation to meet them and serve as a muse, because they’ve got him down to a tee:

Play With Me!
Although we’ve been working hard on correcting the behavior, biting to get what he wants is a classic Buddy move. Credit: Lingvistov

The sneaky little bastard has been fluent in Russian this whole time and hid it from me! That, and his ability to manipulate space-time and teleport at will.

Food O’Clock
”Wakey, wakey, human! Up, before I slappeth you with my paw!” Credit: Lingvistov

Buddy must have napped with them as well. He loves sleeping between my legs, in the “valley” formed by the blanket, and he uses me as his human mattress. He must have demonstrated his preferred sleeping positions for his Russian friends:

Human Mattress
A human mattress. Credit: Lingvistov

Of course there will be skeptics. The teleportation thing doesn’t quite stand up to Occam’s razor, after all. What’s more likely, that Buddy can teleport, or that a woman in Russia has a gray tabby who is just as uniquely obnoxious as my little dude?

Still, I choose to believe he can indeed teleport and one day, when I finally train him to do my bidding, he can put his powers to good use by teleporting to the store to get me a six-pack of beer.

In the meantime, if you’re looking for a gift for the cat servant in your life, you can’t go wrong with a Lingvistov print or stationery reminding them of their allegiance to our furry overlords.

Cats love boxes
Ah, the eternally unused cat bed. Credit: Lingvistov

Buddy Disputes Vile Lies About Cat Burglary!

The doggist lobby is creating fake news about cats. Those scoundrels shall be dealt with.

Buddy would like the public to know that vile anti-cat lies have been printed in the Charlotte Observer.

The newspaper alleges a burglar broke into a cat cafe called Gatos and Beans on Oct. 6 “and the cats did what cats do: absolutely nothing.”

The burglar smashed his way in by hurling a rock through a window while the cats “sat and watched,” the newspaper claimed.

As many as a dozen felines were inside Alabama’s first cat cafe at the time of the crime, with names like Velvet and Miss Tilly. None broke a nail during the ordeal, but were stressed out and needed a “snuggle” in the days that followed, the shop posted on Facebook.

Did absolutely nothing? Sat and watched?! Didn’t break a nail?!? Needed a snuggle?!?!?

These are outrageous lies perpetrated by a newspaper that clearly takes money from pro-dog lobby, which has a vested interest in making cats look bad.

Buddy rejects the insinuation that cats lay around and do nothing all day. A typical cat’s day is highly regimented and filled with activities such as eating, sleeping, grooming, sleeping, eating and sleeping, punctuated by energy-consuming bursts of important activity such as laser dot hunting and box-sitting.

Car beauty rest
“If you’re going to burgle, do it quietly. Some people are trying to sleep around here.”

If the burglar had broken in during a reasonable time, the kitties would have totally mauled him and held him down until the police arrived. Unfortunately, it appears the burglar was privy to the cats’ schedule and timed his break-in to coincide with Fourteenth Nap.

Buddy would like to remind everyone that cats are just as competent and badass as dogs when it comes to guarding and defending human abodes. Now if you’ll excuse him, it’s nap time.

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“I am in box. I can see human, but human can’t see me!”