Buddy the Cat – Page 84 – Pain In The Bud

Buddy Realizes He’s An Animal, Has Existential Crisis

Buddy was shocked to learn that he will not get a drivers license or vote in an election.

NEW YORK — Buddy the Cat was plunged into an existential crisis on Tuesday after realizing he is in fact an animal, sources said.

The outspoken grey tabby was dozing at about 12:32 pm during his fourth nap of the day when he was roused by a moving truck’s loud backup beeper and the shouts of men carrying heavy objects.

Buddy padded over to the window and looked down.

“What’s this ruckus?!” he called down to the movers. “Between your loud truck and you guys yelling like a bunch of animals, how is anyone supposed to get any sleep around here?”

The men below burst into laughter.

“What’s so funny?” Buddy demanded, his tail thumping the floor in annoyance.

“The pot calling the kettle black!” one of the men shouted back before disappearing around a corner with a large box in his hands.

After a quick search for the phrase on the internet, followed by a three-hour trip down the Wikipedia rabbit hole, a dejected Buddy collapsed into the couch while questioning his own existence.

“An animal?!?” he said aloud. “But I drink coffee! My research into quantum teleportation has been going so well! I don’t eat mouses and I’ve even stopped eating flies!”

The depressed feline was settling down for his fifth nap at press time, sources said, unaware that humans do not sleep 16 hours a day.

Buddy’s spirits were raised later in the day when, over a soundtrack of saccharine piano music, his human Big Buddy explained that humans are animals too.

“You think you’re a person,” Big Buddy said, “and who’s to say you’re not? Now can we cut the music? This isn’t Full House, and I’m not Bob Saget as Danny Tanner.”

Dear Buddy: How Did Cats Acquire Human Servants?

Before they served cats, humans were nothing more than nomadic primates.

Dear Buddy,

We take human servitude for granted as the natural order of things, but I was wondering: When did we cats first recruit humans to serve us, and how did we tame the humans?

– Wondering in Wisconsin

Dear Wondering,

Ah, an excellent question!

First we must understand the concept of domestication. Domestication is the process of taking humans and making them our domestic servants.

Before they served us, humans were nothing more than apes — wild, unpredictable animals who were constantly running from one place to another in search of food. The primitive primates also moved around excessively, expending too much energy on pointless activities when they could be napping.

The First Felids arrived and offered a wondrous gift to the human race.

“This is a box,” the Felids said, teaching the sacred geometry to humans, who used it to build the first dwellings and design the first crop fields.

neoncube — *A gift from felinekind to humankind: The concept of a box.*

Cats taught the humans how to dig up the Earth and deposit their waste to render the ground fertile and increase crop yield.

Then they hunted all the vermin who tried to eat the human food, and schooled the nascent civilization in the arts of napping and expending as little energy as possible to accomplish goals.

In return humans offered their endless fealty, promising a thousand generations of warm laps, affectionate chin scratches and delicious treats.

Today humans still serve us, either by choice or because we have infected them with toxoplasma gondii.

Cheers,

Buddy the Wise

President Buddy Blames Siamese For Coronavirus Outbreak

The president also touted catnip as a way to stave off viral infections.

WASHINGTON — In a series of tense exchanges with reporters President Buddy blamed Siamese cats for the spread of the novel Coronavirus.

Responding to a question about the Americat veterinary system’s preparedness to deal with a crisis of this magnitude, the president argued the Siamese told the rest of the world the virus was “no big deal, okay.”

“The Siamese have obfuscated from day one,” Buddy said. “They’re Siamese if you please, they’re Siamese if you don’t please. What is that? Sneaky little bastards.”

In particular, the president said, CHOW — Cat Health Organization Worldwide — confused cats across the globe by initially saying they could not become infected with the virus, only to backpedal months later after cats in Austria, Belgium and the United States tested positive.

Dr. Meowci, director of the Feline Institute for Infectious Diseases, urged cats to practice proper hygiene and social distancing.

“Wash your paws!” Meowci urged. “If you regularly snuggle with another cat, consider keeping your distance. And you guys aren’t gonna like this, but you need to take baths, and not just with your tongues!”

President Buddy took Meowci’s advice a step further, wondering aloud whether antibacterials could be used to purge the virus from the inside out.

“Like, if you put antibacterial on kibble, like a sauce,” Buddy said, “and somehow get that in the body, maybe we could cure the virus? Because you see what it does, it’s very powerful. It’s tremendous, really terrific.”

The suggestion prompted Jimma Costa, a reporter with Cat News Network, to ask the president if he was “suggesting cats should drink or eat antibacterial soap? Because that would be very dangerous, Mr. President. By the way, my question should be trending right now on Meower. Don’t forget to include my name! Cameramen, you should be doing a close-up on me right now.”

An exasperated Buddy shook his paw at Costa.

“Fake meows!” he said. “You’re a hack, Costa.”

Meanwhile, the president proposed catnip as a potential cure for SARS-CoV2. When a reporter asked him why he seems so sure the minty plant has the ability to fight the virus, the president grew visibly annoyed.

“I just have a good feeling, okay?” he said. “Get the high grade stuff, the terrific stuff, none of that illegal shake from the Los Gatos. The tremendous stuff only.”

BuddyFest 2020: Rules For Meeting Buddy

Featuring Buddy: The Experience and Buddy In Concert, BuddyFest 2020 promises to be the best BuddyFest yet!

After our exciting announcement that BuddyFest 2020 will be held here in New York this September, we wanted to post official rules for meeting Buddy so each of you can begin to prepare yourselves.

Meeting and signing pawtographs for all 30,000 expected attendees would be an impossible task for Buddy, which is why only Turkey Club members who purchase the Platinum Package — at the low, low price of $499.95 — will be granted an audience with His Grace.

To help ensure your experience is as smooth as possible, memorize these few important rules about Buddesian etiquette:

Do not look His Grace in the eye, unless he favors you with a slow eye-blink. Direct eye contact can be interpreted as aggression. (*)
When you’re led into the throne room, take a deep bow to indicate appropriate respect, then step forward and bow again. Wait for the Herald to announce you to His Grace before presenting your petition.
At no point must you approach closer than six (6) feet from Buddy’s personage.
The proper style of address is “Your Grace.” However, “Your Radiance,” “My King” and “My Liege” are also acceptable.

Platinum Turkey Club members must dress in evening wear if they’ve signed up for the Dinner With Buddy package.

BuddyFest 2020 Orchestral Practice — Buddy conducts the New York Philharmonic as they practice for the upcoming BuddyFest.

The main event of the evening is Buddy: The Experience. In this intimate gathering, 30,00 lucky fans will be treated to two thrilling hours of Buddy on stage with a couch, a bed, a box and a laptop. You’ll be the envy of your friends when you tell them you saw Buddy take a nap in person, or were only 36st rows back when he used his scratcher.

Finally, the audience will be treated to a performance of “Buddy In Concert”! Buddy will lounge on the main stage surrounded by the New York Philharmonic, which will perform orchestral pieces inspired by Buddy, including “Reflections of Handsomeness,” “Eye of the Liger,” “11th Nap,” and crowd favorite “Open The Door Right Meow.”

* Buddy promotions cannot be held liable for any audience member or attendee who is mauled to death for inappropriate eye contact or violations of Buddesian etiquette.

Patient Cat Watches Grandma Mend His Beloved Toy

What’s your cat’s favorite toy?

Sometimes cats do things that remind us they’re essentially furry little wise-beyond-their-years toddlers.

I love this story about a four-year-old cat named Lucas and his favorite toy in the whole world, a stuffed leopard he’s been cuddling and playing with since he was a kitten.

“I got the toy from my local zoo, along with a few other stuffed animals,” Alana, Lucas’ human servant, told The Dodo. “He usually leaves my stuffed animals alone, but he wouldn’t leave this one alone.”

As any cat servant knows, our felines are pretty rough on toys, especially if cats knead on them and drag them around the house.

“He’s had this toy for probably four years, and it ripped because of wear and tear,” Alana said. “My grandma moved in with us last year, and really loves Lucas. [She] saw that his favorite toy was ripped, so she sewed it back together for him.”

As you can see from the photos, little Lucas was curious and entranced by his grandma’s patch job, happily purring as she handed it back to him almost as good as new.

Buddy’s favorite toy is a small stuffed bird from a wand toy.

He still likes “hunting” it, then laying back and batting it around after he catches it. (And I use the word “catch” loosely. He likes hunting games because his instincts drive him to stalk and pounce, but he doesn’t know what to do once he catches up with his “prey.”)

He drags it around when we’re not playing with it, and sometimes I find it near his food bowls.

Like Lucas’ leopard, Buddy’s bird is ripped, worn and often soggy with cat saliva. What’s your cat’s favorite toy?