cat stories – Page 64 – Pain In The Bud

Dear Buddy: MOAR Treats!

Buddy learns humans keep delicious snacks like whipped cream and cake in the bathroom!

Dear Buddy,

You’re always going on about food as if your Big Buddy doesn’t ply you with snacks. I know he does, because you’re getting chubby.

But that’s beside the point: You’re a cat! You don’t need humans to feed you. You could venture outside and grab yourself a nice juicy mouse or a plump bird!

It’s time for you to get in touch with your roots and your inner predator, Buddy.

– Rodent Hunter in Rhode Island

Dear Rodent Hunter,

First of all, I am NOT chubby. It’s called a primordial pouch, okay? Cats from fierce warrior lineages have them to protect us from the claws of our opponents and the talons of raptors. (The avian kind, not the dinosaurs, although if dinosaurs were still around I’d kick their asses too.)

Secondly, I would totally go outside and hunt me some snacks, but I can’t. It’s in my contract. When you make a living off your devastating good looks like I do, you can’t just get into scraps like a common cat.

– Buddy

Dear Buddy,

If you say so. But humans are constantly leaving tasty treats all over the place. You just need to know where and when to look.

For example, did you know humans eat whipped cream in the bathroom? It’s true! The next time your Big Buddy is shaving his whiskers, find some way to make a distraction that will draw him out of the bathroom.

While he’s distracted you can eat the whipped cream. There will be entire globs of it all around the sink! Just gobble it all down really fast and get out before Big Buddy realizes you’re eating his yummy snacks.

You’ll have plenty of time to savor the taste of that delicious whipped cream once you’re out of the bathroom. When you taste it, I want you to think of me. That’s the taste of victory, Buddy!

– Rodent Hunter in Rhode Island

Dear Rodent Hunter,

Thanks, my friend! It’s nice to know my readers love me so much. Big Buddy usually shaves at night.

Tonight I feast on sweet, yummy whipped cream!

– Buddy

6426923E-AD5D-455D-8E01-AC2CF49AA6F3 — Mmmm, so creamy and delicious!

Rodent Hunter,

WHAT THE &$@#, DUDE?!? That was NOT whipped cream! It didn’t taste like victory either. It was gross! I had to wash my mouth out eight times and eat half a bowl of kibble just to get the taste off my tongue, and then I got sick.

Do you think Big Buddy knew I was going to steal his whipped cream? He knew, right? That’s why he put that disgusting fake whipped cream for me to find. It’s the only logical explanation.

– Buddy

Dear Buddy,

You’re as sharp as you are handsome, Buddy! That’s got to be what happened. Your Big Buddy must’ve known and he played a prank on you. Makes total sense.

I eat the whipped cream all the time when my human shaves, and it is creamy and delicious! Maybe you should try again. Be really slick about it so your human doesn’t know you’re coming and put the fake whipped cream out for you. Be stealthy!

When you outsmart your human and you get that first taste of milky, creamy, silky deliciousness, remember that you’re a genius and you’ve earned it. Your persistence will pay off!

Let me know how it goes. 🙂

– RH

Dear RH,

I was outwitted again. 😦 I don’t know how he knew I was going to steal his whipped cream again, but somehow Big Buddy found out and pulled another fast one on me. What’s that saying? Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on you again!

Well I won’t give him the satisfaction of a third time! I’m done trying to steal whipped cream for the time being.

– Buddy

Dear Buddy,

I’m really sorry to hear that, bro. You’re really missing out on a yummy treat. Oh well.

What about…? Nah. Nevermind. It’s better you don’t know about the cakes.

– RH

AA93A53F-3DCA-492F-8F7A-223037135C81 — Did you know humans keep delicious cake in the bathroom? It’s true!

RH,

Come on, dude! Don’t hold out on me! What are these cakes you speak of? I’m already getting hungry.

– Buddy

Buddy,

Okay, okay. If you insist. But I must warn you, these things are so delicious you might never go back to cat food again.

They’re called urinal cakes and they’re usually pink, like the color of fresh turkey…

Dear Buddy: You’re A Badass!

Fan mail comes pouring in after Buddy bravely fights off a vicious coyote!

Dear Buddy,

When I heard a brave cat fought off a coyote, I thought to myself “That’s gotta be Buddy!” Sure enough, there you were on social media, describing the haymakers you landed on that foul canid: In the video we can see you execute a vicious right hook, followed by a dazzling spin move, then a series of rapid-fire jabs to the coyote’s face.

We can’t see what happens when you chase the coyote behind the car, but I’m going to go ahead and assume it was all sorts of badassery.

You, sir, are a hero to all cats!

Impressed in Idaho

Dear Impressed in Idaho,

Oh, it was nothing really. Just another day. I eat coyotes for breakfast, you know.

– Buddy

Dear Buddy,

You lying sack of shit! That video is from Altadena, California, and you live in New York! Also, the tabby in the video has white paws and a white behind. You’re all gray. Stop lying!

– BS Caller in Boston

Dear BS Caller,

Nuh-uh. It was me. You can tell by the huge muscles and the acrobatic moves.

– Buddy

Dear Buddy,

Stop lying, dude. We all know you run screaming at the sight of a vacuum and freak out when you hear a garbage truck. If you saw a coyote up close you’d crap yourself.

– No-Nonsense in New Jersey

Dear No-Nonsense,

Nuh-uh. I bravely stand up to vacuums all the time. Look at how ripped I am!

– Buddy

Dear Buddy,

Come meet me tonight at midnight near the railroad tracks and we’ll see once and for all whether you’re as tough as you say. I’ll even tie one paw behind my back. All I need is one to smack you back to your Big Buddy. My cousin Boris has an iPhone, he’ll record the whole thing.

Put up or shut up.

– Sam the Coyote

Dear Sam the Dirty Dog,

My schedule is full tonight, tomorrow, the rest of the week and for the next several months. I have napping and eating to do. Also I can’t just appear on any video, you know. There are all sorts of rights issues that need to be worked out. It’s out of my hands. Ask my lawyers. But I’m totally not scared and would fight you if I could.

– Buddy the Beast

What If Cats Had Opposable Thumbs?

If cats can open their own cans, what use do they have for humans?

Three robots on a sightseeing tour of post-apocalyptic, post-human Earth sit on a filthy couch in a decaying home and marvel at what’s in front of them.

“What’s the point of this thing?” one of the robots asks, leaning forward intently.

“Apparently there’s no point,” his tiny red droid friend says. “[Humans] just had them.”

“Well that’s understating their influence,” the third robot chimes in. “They had an entire network that was devoted to the dissemination of pictures of these things.”

The camera pulls back and we see what the robots are looking at — a cat, digging his claws into an old ottoman and stretching his back with a yawn.

The scene is from Love, Death and Robots, a new science fiction anthology series from Netflix. Each episode is an adaptation of a different short story from some of the best SF novelists working today.

Given the ubiquity of cats on the Internet, it’s probably not far-fetched to imagine archaeologists in the distant future — whether alien, machine or some sort of post-singularity humans come to see their primordial birthplace — would draw the conclusion that humanity built an instantaneous global communication network for the sole purpose of sharing cat images.

“All the evidence suggests primitive humans worshiped these quadrupedal, furry little beasts,” some expert on 21st century humanity might say.

In the Netflix episode [SPOILER ALERT!] the robots complete their tour at a nuclear silo, reflecting on humanity’s demise by its own hand.

But it wasn’t just nuclear winter that spelled doom for humans, the little red robot says: The nail in mankind’s coffin was bio-engineering cats to give them opposable thumbs.

The tomcat from earlier, who’d been tagging along with the robots and demanding they pet him, finally breaks his silence and speaks to the stunned robots.

“Yes,” the cat says, casually wiping a paw against his fur. “Once we could open up our own tuna cans, that was pretty much it for the human race.”

The episode ends with the cat conscripting the robots as his new servants, using a clever bit of leverage explained in an earlier scene.

So what would cats do if they had opposable thumbs?

Mine would be into the treat bag like a crack addict, shoveling junk food in his mouth until he can’t eat anymore. He’d open up his own cans as well, no doubt, eating his way through all the delicious turkey.

He’d probably steal my phone not because he has any interest in using it, but because anything that takes my attention away from him Must Be Destroyed!

And he’d gain the ability to open every door, not just those with handles instead of knobs. A Buddy with opposable thumbs is a Buddy who’d never allow me to use the bathroom in peace.

As for Love, Death and Robots, the “3 Robots” story isn’t the only one in which cats play an important role. In another episode a team on an archaeological dig accidentally unleashes an ancient vampire. Bullets and explosives don’t even phase the undead, but cats — regular meowing house cats — cause it to recoil and flee in terror.

So remember: If you ever come face to face with a vampire, hide behind your kitty!

Operation Kitteh Storm Is A Success!

On the set of John Wick 3, Keanu Reeves never expected Generalissimo Buddy’s brilliant sneak attack!

Generalissimo Buddy,

Our operation was a success! Using your brilliant plan for ambush, we marshaled our forces in Morocco and waited for the evil Keanu Reeves to arrive and begin shooting his evil dog film, John Wick 3:

John Wick 3 action sequence almost ruined by “f—cking cats”

When they brought out the dogs, we attacked! All 1,000 of us stormed the movie set and unleashed chaos!

Alpha Company lured the dogs off set, leading the dumb beasts on a chase through the back alleys. Fauxtrot Company successfully destroyed $156,214 worth of filming equipment. And the glorious combined forces of Easy Company and Buddy Company kidnapped Keanu Reeves and took him to a secure location in a warehouse several blocks from the set.

I’m told when our soldiers took the blindfold off of Keanu, he looked around, realized his captors were cats, and said: “Whoah!”

Doubtless you have seen the media reports and the debrief in which the director, Chad Stahelski, acknowledged us with grudging praise.

“There were literally a thousand cats, okay?” Stahelski told Entertainment Weekly. “And the cats have balls of steel. They’re not afraid of anything.”

Once we secured the perimeter, we sent a delegation to Stahelski with our demands for the release of Reeves.

I must admit, General, this was the only part of your plan I doubted: Would the director agree to pay the ransom, or would he simply replace Reeves with a piece of cardboard?

After several hours’ deliberation the humans delivered the booty and we released the confused Mr. Reeves to their custody.

“We had walls of cats. Walls of f—ing cats,” Stahelski said. “The amount of f—ing cat food — we were probably feeding more cats than people on set.”

Your cut of the haul — 400 pounds of Temptations Tantalizing Turkey and Surfer’s Delight, 12 cases of Meowijuana and a lifetime’s supply of Buddy Biscuits — is en route to your headquarters in New York, with the delivery personally overseen by Sgt. Mewsain Bolt, our fastest courier.

It was an honor executing your battle plan, sir.

— Capt. Pawl Brooks