Buddy – Page 42 – Pain In The Bud

Buddy Demands A More Epic Name

Buddy wants a name that better reflects his personality.

NEW YORK — After seeing photos of Gandalf, a tabby who grew a magnificent coat worthy of his namesake after he was rescued, Buddy the Cat demanded a more epic name on Monday, sources said.

“Look at this one,” Buddy said, waving a paw at an Instagram page for Grolgoth the Unstoppable, a four-year-old tuxedo from Skokie, Illinois.

“Or even something like this guy,” Buddy scrolled to a photo of a pantherine black cat named Razorclaw. “Why can’t I be a Razorclaw, a Duke Destructo or an Ares the Annihilator? Come to think of it, what the heck is a Buddy?”

The annoyed cat looked up the definition of his name, becoming even more perturbed at the Miriam-Webster entry:

Screenshot_2020-11-24 Definition of buddy Dictionary com

“What am I, a furry little toddler? I mean come on!”

“I mean, you could’ve named me something awesome like Brutus the Bone Cruncher,” Buddy complained to his human, Big Buddy. “Or Maximus! Or…or Steel Fang!”

(Above: Gandalf a year ago when he was rescued, left, and Gandalf now with his badass beard.)

As of press time, Buddy’s human reminded him that even his own toys terrify him, and the last time he got scared, he hid behind Big Buddy’s leg and cried.

“Those are false allegations!” Buddy said. “Retract them, or I shall poop in your shoes when you least expect it!”

Modern Box Magazine: December 2020!

Modern Box: The magazine for discerning felines.

Modern Box Monthly’s December issue will hit newsstands today, with editor-in-chief Buddy promising a boxstravaganza for our loyal readers! Plus: Investigative Eater Tux digs in to new yums, while our box reviewers preview the boxes your humans’ likely presents will come in! ‘Tis the season for boxes!

Cat Toy Review: Floppy Fish

The Floppy Fish has been a big hit with other cats. How will the Budster respond to it?

The toy: Floppy Fish, a rechargeable, lithium-ion battery powered soft toy fish that flops around to simulate the behavior of real fish and trigger cats’ predatory instincts.

Price: Between $15 and $25 online and in pet stores. The toy is sold as Floppy Fish, Flippity Fish, Floppy Fishy, Fish Cat Kicker and other names. Some come with catnip and a pouch inside the fish for “infusing” the toy with the ‘nip.

The cat: Buddy

The result: After charging the fish with its included charging cable, I located the on switch and set the fish on the floor, where it started doing its flopping thing.

A cautious but curious Buddy approached. I could see the gears turning in his head: “What is this thing? Is it for me? It must be. Big Buddy placed it on the floor and called to me, and now he’s looking expectantly at me.

But…it’s scary! Look at it flipping and flopping! That’s terrifying! Oh man. I don’t like the sound it’s making. Look, it’s getting closer! Run!

Okay. Safe distance. It’s stopped flopping. Now I can approach, give it a sniff, maybe slap it with my paw and…

It’s moving again!!! RUN!!!

Is this what salmon is like? I don’t think I can ever eat fish again. Who knew they were such terrifying monsters?

I have to hide. It should be all right if I come out in an hour, right?”

Verdict: This is obviously a well-received cat toy, as it’s got positive ratings online and there are plenty of Youtube videos showing cats having fun with it. It’s lithium-ion rechargeable, so you won’t have to buy separate batteries, and it’s motion-activated with an off timer so the battery won’t drain during periods of inactivity. Overall it looks and feels pretty durable.

However, if your cat is ~~incredibly brave and daring~~ a big wimp, it may not be the toy for him or her. Bud’s 0 for 3 so far on attempted play sessions.

Buddy may yet come around and relax enough around the fish to play with it. If he does, I’ll update this post accordingly.

Cats Win ‘Laziest Species’ At 212th Annual Animal Awards

Cats were recognized for their efforts to transform laziness into an art form.

NEW YORK — Domestic cats swept the Laziest Species category at the 212th Annual Animal Awards on Friday night.

Accepting the award on behalf of all cats, Chonkmatic the Magnificent waddled on stage, took a short nap, then was helped up to the podium, where he yawned and addressed the audience.

“Thank you!” Chonkmatic said, allowing others to hoist the award for him. “We didn’t work hard at all to earn this recognition, and that makes it even more satisfying.”

Chonkmatic went on to list several other cats who made the award possible by demonstrating remarkable laziness, before handing off the list to his assistant so he could be carried off stage for a snack and another nap.

Jaguars, the apex predators of South America, were recognized in the wild cat category for the remarkable achievement of ruling more than two million square miles of rainforest while napping approximately 70 percent of the time.

jaguar-sleeping-big-cat-carnivore-feline-resting-cat-nap-portrait-fur — Prolific nappers: Panthera Onca, the jaguar.

The big cats of the Amazon prerecorded an acceptance speech because the award show was scheduled to interfere with their napping schedule.

“We are honored to receive this award,” Ahau-K’in, the King of Jaguars, said in the message. “If you could just deliver it to us, that’d be great. In fact, you can leave it at the Temple of Palenque, but bring it up the stairs, mind. We don’t want to have to drag that thing up here.”

Buddy the Cat sleeping on Big Buddy the Human.

Sharing in the recognition was Buddy the Cat, who “showed us all that a new style of napping is possible by training our humans never to move if we’re sleeping on top of them.”

“The New York cat also developed new techniques for prompting humans to deliver snacks directly to their feline overlords,” the judges wrote. “After all, why should we come running at the sound of a crinkly bag being opened? The snacks should be placed before us, requiring as little effort as possible to eat them and leaving more time for yawning, stretching and lazing.”

CE04A830-3681-4E11-9ED4-A6B59CE1E188 — Chonkmatic the Cat has been chosen to negotiate on behalf of all living beings on Earth. Credit: SPCA of Wake County

Memorandum To Human, re: Disgusting New Bug-Based Cat Food

Little Buddy makes it clear he sure as hell won’t eat insect larvae cat food. Yuck!

Dear Big Buddy,

You find yourself in receipt of this notice so there exists a written record of the amendment to section 176.2 in the Little Buddy Care Agreement, forbidding the use of repugnant and objectionable non-approved yums.

Specifically we refer to the so-called “alternative proteins” hawked by Nestle’s Purina brand, which substitutes Glorious Yums like turkey, chicken and turkey, for unacceptable ingredients such as “fly larvae protein.”

As the language of the new LBCA amendment makes clear:

“At no time shall human serve any Purina products or any products containing ‘alternative proteins’ including, but not limited to, fly larvae protein, invasive Asian carp protein, and any alleged ‘cat food’ that includes insects or non-approved yum ingredients.”

nastyshit — No. Don’t even think about it.

purinabeyondnature — Insect larvae-based pet food is attractively packaged.

Please keep in mind, dear human, that section 176.1 still applies:

‘At no time shall Buddy the Larger serve Little Buddy any abhorrent meat substitute or so-called ‘vegan cat food.’ Violations are punishable by biting and shitting in your shoes.”

We acknowledge that Nestle claims it’s motivated by “the need to diversify sources of protein in food for a variety of reasons, including environmental goals such as fighting climate change and protecting biodiversity.”

But that just means the cheap bastards are looking to increase profit margins beyond the sky-high margins it enjoys for the lowest-grade quasi-meat it uses for its existing pet food lines.

After all, a company run by the environmentally conscious wouldn’t destroy entire swaths of Indonesia and Malaysia, endangering the health of locals and children, and directly driving the pending extinction of orangutans.

As always, we expect you to adhere to the Little Buddy Care Agreement. Violations will be recorded and will negatively effect your score on the annual Service Quality Report Card, so remain vigilant. Only the best yums will do.

Sincerely,

Little Buddy, Esq.