Cat Servant Quarterly Performance Review

His Grace outlines several areas of concern where his human servant can and must improve.

Office of His Grace, Buddy I

Quarterly Performance Review, Summer 2019 for Big Buddy, human servant in the king’s employ

Food:

Meal selection remains satisfactory. You are to be commended for serving a rotation of delicious yums, including turkey, chicken, salmon, beef, whitefish and occasionally more exotic dishes like duck.

Service itself could be improved: On one occasion dinner was served 82 seconds late, and on another occasion the meal was tardy by an unacceptable 113 seconds. That’s almost two minutes!

In addition, the King wishes to remind his servant that His Grace prefers when his servant mixes the pate up to soften it, shaping it in a neat pile in the center of the bowl.

Treat quality and variety are satisfactory. The frequency with which treats are dispensed, however, is not. We’ve mentioned this on your last 12 quarterly reports.

Sleeping situation:

Big Buddy performs an essential function, serving as His Grace’s mattress. There was a moment of concern earlier this summer when Big Buddy had lost several pounds upon returning from Japan, threatening the integrity of His Grace’s cushion, but after written reprimands and several bites, the weight was restored. See that it remains.

Litter box maintenance:

Satisfactory.

Toy selection:

Satisfactory. His Grace prefers Da Bird and the fishy wand toy. Also, he likes it when Big Buddy sprinkles treats in his cat tunnel. Those are always a delightful surprise.

Visitors:

There was one week when His Grace was forced to endure the presence of miniature humans, otherwise known as Big Buddy’s nieces. The miniature humans were well-behaved for the most part, although His Grace would remind Big Buddy to remind the miniature humans not to appropriate His Grace’s toys.

Overall evaluation: 6.5/10

His Grace feels that Big Buddy could improve his quarterly score by addressing areas of concern, especially the aforementioned treat frequency issue.

Pine Cat Litter: The Verdict

Should you give pine litter a try? Buddy investigates.

Big Buddy: Hey Bud, how’s it going in there?

Little Buddy: What the heck? [Head pops out of litter box flap] Get outta here! I’m trying to do my business in peace.

Big Buddy: But how’s the pine litter? People want to know.

Little Buddy: [Trills in irritation] People? What people?

Big Buddy: The people who read the blog. Your blog. Come on, you know this.

Little Buddy: [A sudden pause in the digging sound inside the litter box] You’re blogging about my pooping habits?!

Big Buddy: Well, yeah…

Little Buddy: To complete strangers? It’s a good thing no one reads your stupid blog.

Big Buddy: Actually it’s your blog, little guy. And people do read it. Last month it was more than three thousand, four hundred and…

Little Buddy: WHAT?!

Big Buddy: Yeah, dude. And they want to know how the pine litter is working out for you, so if you could just, you know, describe what…Ow! OUCH what the hell? Stop, stop! Don’t you dare…put those claws away, I’m not warning you ag…owww! You little…

As you can see, Buddy wasn’t too thrilled about the idea of me blogging about his business, but things eventually calmed down and I lifted the lid…

The good: Pine litter really absorbs cat eliminations of the liquid and solid kind, and does a good job neutralizing the scent. It might do a better job than your regular litter: At one point Buddy blew up the box, and while the smell wasn’t entirely absorbed by the pine, it was much less unpleasant than it usually is with scented litter.

It’s also better for the environment and can be purchased in bulk. That’s a win-win.

Finally, pine weighs considerably less than most other types of litter, which may appeal to cat servants who have difficulty lugging large bags.

The bad: Other cats might not take to it so readily. Buddy is unusually unperturbed by changes in litter, and although I try to remain consistent, I’ve tried several types. He doesn’t seem to mind. YMMV according to your cat’s habits and personality. If your cat is upset by the change, proceed gradually by mixing the pine with the original litter.

The main problem is the way the litter clumps, or doesn’t. You’re not going to get easily-scoopable clumps to leave your cat with a clean litter box, and litter scoops aren’t designed for pine. Instead you’ll have to dump most or all of it out and refill it. That’s not necessarily a terrible thing since you get more litter for the price, but you’ll need to keep a lot of it in your home and you’ll go through it quickly.

The verdict: Pine is probably a great solution for people whose cats aren’t picky about litter. It does a great job neutralizing odor. Others may find it requires too much maintenance and might be put off by the difficulties with clumping.

Pine Cat Litter?

How does pine cat litter compare to clay and crystal? We’re about to find out…

I was at Trader Joe’s today when I saw pine litter sitting on the shelf.

Pine litter? Never heard of it before.

So I picked it up, read the package and thought pine didn’t sound so bad. Fresh pine definitely smells better than whatever perverse alchemy happens with crystal litter designed to overwhelm the olfactory senses with a vague air freshener scent.

But, I thought, it’s probably not a good idea to switch up cat litters on my Buddy, especially so suddenly. I put the bag back on the shelf.

Then again, Buddy has been remarkably tolerant of every different cat litter I’ve tried. He didn’t bat an eye when I switched from clay to crystal, or when I switch brands. I picked up the bag again.

So I bought the pine litter, brought it home and just filled the little guy’s litter box with it a few minutes ago.

A8DAD129-95DA-4184-A238-8F881BCA0533 — Most pine litter looks like this.

Ruh roh! The pine pellets are big, much bigger than litter granules. And filling up the litter box took the entire bag. I’m worried. Is Bud gonna tolerate this? Will he take to it, or did I just condemn myself to scrubbing cat poop off the hardwood floors tomorrow morning?

I’d also forgotten to consider the fact that Bud likes to dig, dig, dig like he’s tunneling to China. It doesn’t look like he can do that with the pine.

On the plus side, the litter does smell like fresh cut wood, and that’s a definite improvement.

For now the king is sitting next to me on the couch. Nature will call before bed time, and I shall have my answer. Let’s hope it’s not poop on the floor.

BC38153D-4176-4973-8143-A3C348C079A1 — Why the heck is it garnished in this photo? Who garnishes cat litter? Does this mean cats like to snack on this stuff too?

Buddy’s Mailbag: What’s Your Adoption Story?

He was small and his mew was only a squeak, but he already had a very big heart and lots of love to give.

Dear Buddy,

How did your hooman adopt you? What happened?

Head bump,

Stasi in ‘Stralia

Buddy Buddy Buddy! — Dapper, debonair and delightful.

Dear Stasi,

At the dawn of time in 1 AB (Anno Buddy), a mommy cat gave birth to a litter of feisty felines. They were strapping young kitties, and when the time came for them to pair up with humans and move to their new homes, they went one-by-one.

All except one, the smallest and runtiest of the bunch. He was sick and he had a limp, but he was a happy little boy. Every day he waved goodbye to his brothers and sisters, and wondered if anyone would want him. He was small and his mew was only a squeak, but he already had a very big heart and lots of love to give.

Then it happened. A mysterious stranger enquired about the runt and almost two weeks later he arrived in person to take the little kitten home. The little kitten was scared. This human put music on in the car ride home, and his singing voice was terrible!

The kitten cried.

“Don’t worry,” the human said as he drove. “Me and you are going to be best buddies! You’ll see!”

After arriving at a strange new place, claiming every inch of it and pooping under the human’s bed for two weeks, the little kitten knew he had found his home. The human’s bed became his bed. The human became his pillow. Things were turning out okay.

The human fed the kitten healthy food. The kitten’s limp improved, his coat started to look healthy, and his poops were less nasty. The kitten also learned that the box with litter inside it was for the aforementioned pooping, not for making sand castles.

The kitten still had no name. One day the human’s mom observer her son with the kitten, and after her son called the cat “little buddy,” she said: “That’s a perfect name for him: Bud. You guys are the Buddies. Buddy number one and Buddy number two.”

They were henceforth known as Big Buddy and Little Buddy.

Buddy the Cat — Buddy the cat surveying his territory from an elevated position.

The big human and little cat became best friends. One day Big Buddy brought home a harness. Little Buddy didn’t like it. But after a lot of practice, Little Buddy learned to accept the harness and learned how to walk on it next to his Big Buddy.

It was during one of those walks that a human female saw Little Buddy and declared him the cutest kitten ever. Suddenly Little Buddy realized he was very handsome, and embarked on a career as a kitty model that continues to this day.

Soon Little Buddy began pumping iron, and began the transformation to the strong, regal kitty with huge muscles that you’re familiar with today.

And there you have it. Buddy’s origin story.

– Buddy the Brave

Compendium of Powerful and Handsome Cats — Many scientists believe Budus Felidus, left, is directly related to Panthera Onc, right, also known as the leopard. Others believe Budus Felidus is a sub-species of tiger.

Taking Care of Buddy: A Guide

This eight-part guide to caring for Buddy also includes a multiple-choice quiz and an essay section.

Congratulations! You have been entrusted with the greatest responsibility of your life: Taking care of Buddy the cat!

Buddy is a stubborn young lord who likes things just so and is accustomed to many comforts, so it will be your job to anticipate his needs, see to his whims and keep him content in addition to serving his food, cleaning his litter box, playing with him and telling him he’s a good boy.

For simplicity and reference this guide will be broken down into sections outlining your responsibilities, with a short quiz and essay at the end which are due no later than two days before I depart for my trip.

I – Responsibilities

Section One: Meals

Buddy’s favorite food is turkey, and turkey comprises the main part of his diet. However, it’s important that His Grace consumes a well-rounded diet, so you will be responsible for rotating meals in a way that will meet his nutritional requirements while also providing enough variety to keep him interested.

Turkey will be your lead-off and go-to meal, but it must never be served twice in a row. It’s also imperative to strike a good balance between poultry, fish and beef. See the detailed Guide to Feeding for more information.

Section Two: Litter Box Maintenance

His Grace requires a clean box, and it is your responsibility to scoop at least once every two hours. After scooping you should use the poop spatula to make sure the litter is evenly distributed throughout the box and smooth out any imperfections. When you’re finished it should look like an undisturbed beach without any dunes or ripples. This is important.

When His Grace is ready to use the litter box, you must accompany him and station yourself outside while he disappears through the flap to do his business. If you hear him grunting with effort or suspect he’s dealing with constipatory issues, he may require words of encouragement.

Afterward when he emerges from the litter box, you’re expected to clap politely and tell him he’s a good boy.

Section Three: Play Time and Entertainment

As Buddy’s temporary guardian you are expected to provide at least three (3) play sessions of at least 45 minutes daily. These should be interactive play sessions involving wand toys or balls. Directing Buddy to a solo toy is not acceptable!

Buddy’s favorite games are swatting bouncy balls and playing Mighty Hunter. The latter will require you to manipulate the wand toy to mimic prey. It is extremely important that you allow Buddy to “capture” his prey and simulate disemboweling it! Again, upon success His Grace should be politely applauded and told he’s such a handsome, strong and good little boy.

Section Four: Meal Locations

In addition to his traditional dining nook, in the warm weather Buddy sometimes takes his meals in his solar, also known as the balcony.

In that event, you are to bring him his meal and beverage on a tray and set it before him. Be sure to clear it when he’s finished. He doesn’t like tardy service.

Section Five: Sleeping Arrangements

Buddy is accustomed to curling up with his Big Buddy for warmth and comfort. Often, he sleeps on top of Big Buddy. You will be required to snuggle with His Grace and act as a substitute Big Buddy. Nothing can compare to the real thing, of course, but it’s important for Buddy’s well being to have a human to burrow into or sleep on.

Locking His Grace out of the bedroom at night is cruel and is tantamount to animal abuse. Do not be an animal abuser. Do the right thing.

Section Six: Doors and Other Physical Impediments

Closed doors are unacceptable to His Grace. Do not place him in a room with a closed door, and make sure you keep the bathroom door open when you make use of the facilities so Buddy can stop in and supervise as needed.

Section Seven: Proper Petting Protocol (PPP)

Lord Buddy prefers a soft, rhythmic petting pattern and enjoys it when humans stroke his chin, his cheeks and the top of his head. Do not pet his belly under any circumstances. If he bites you, that means you’ve erred and should promptly apologize.

Always take care not to over-stimulate him. If you see his tail swishing that means he’s agitated and you should stop!

Section Eight: Well-Being Verification

You will be required to send a daily email with a photograph of Buddy next to that day’s edition of the newspaper, with the masthead and date clearly visible. Your daily correspondence should also include a record of His Grace’s bowel movements, meals and activities.

II – Personal essay

In no less than 500 words, describe how you would take care of Buddy in my absence. How would you spoil him? If he’s frightened by a garbage truck, how would you comfort him? What do you admire most about Buddy? Describe your reaction to the honor of being trusted with his care. Provide specifics.

III – Quiz

1) You awake at 2:45 a.m. and realize not only has His Grace relegated you to only 32 percent of the bed, but he’s claimed almost the entire blanket with the exception of a small corner. Do you:

a) Go back to sleep.

b) Carefully exit the bed so as not to disturb Buddy, walk to the closet and retrieve another blanket.

c) Retire to the couch and let Buddy sleep on the bed.

2) You’ve just returned home after running errands, but you’re more than an hour late because of heavy traffic. You’re famished, and so is Buddy. What is the appropriate course of action?

a) Ignore your hunger and immediately prepare and serve Buddy’s meal before making dinner for yourself.

b) Ignore your hunger and immediately prepare and serve Buddy’s meal, standing at a respectful distance as he eats because you know he feels safer eating when someone is watching his back.

c) Ignore your hunger, prepare and serve Buddy’s meal, attend him at his litter box and play with him for 45 minutes before making dinner for yourself.

3) Oh no! A natural disaster! You and Buddy are trapped in the house without access to the kitchen. You’re left with only a bottle of water, a can of tuna and two Slim Jims. How do you ration your supplies?

a) Reserve the entire can of tuna, half the water bottle and one Slim Jim for Buddy, leaving one Slim Jim for yourself.

b) Reserve all consumable food for Buddy, knowing that His Grace requires a considerable amount of protein.

4) You’ve invited several friends over to dinner, but one of them mentions she’s allergic to cats. Do you:

a) Rescind the invitation.

b) Tell her she’ll have to deal.

c) Offer to put her in a room while Buddy socializes with the other guests.

5) You’ve accidentally stepped on Buddy’s tail. How do you rectify the situation?

a) Prostrate yourself before His Grace and beg forgiveness.

b) Apologize profusely and tell Buddy he’s such a strong and fearless cat for enduring the pain.

c) Immediately retrieve delicious treats, make an offering of them to His Grace, and beg forgiveness.

6) You need to go to work, but Buddy is lonely and meows at you to stay with him. What is the proper solution?

a) Take a sick day and stay home with Buddy.

b) Take a vacation day and stay home with Buddy.

c) Bring Buddy into the office where people will lavish attention on him and tell him what a good boy he is.

7) You’re watching a movie and Buddy is napping on your lap, but you need to heed the call of nature. How do you proceed?

a) Resolve to hold off any bathroom trip until Buddy wakes and moves.

b) Cruelly wake His Grace and use the bathroom.

c) Wake Buddy, present him with turkey treats as an apology, and proceed to the bathroom.

8) Your friend texts you to say she’s won a pair of tickets to see Eric Clapton, one of your favorite musicians, and she wants you to go with her. What do you tell her?

a) “I’m sorry, I wish I could go but I have to take care of my son’s cat.”

b) “Do they allow cats at the concert venue?”

c) “I’m sorry, you know how much I love Eric Clapton, but I’m currently taking care of my son’s cat and he is absolutely delightful. Thanks for the offer, but I’m going to stay in and hang out with Buddy.”