ESPN – Pain In The Bud

SAN DIEGO – The Siestas were down to their last cat still slumbering, and it looked like their rivals from Detroit, with three felines snoring away, would wake up with the victory.

But San Diego’s sole snoozer wasn’t any ordinary cat. He was 21-year-old Oscar the Couch, one of the most accomplished nappers in the world.

Long after Detroit’s younger, less experienced kitties had gotten up, stretched, enjoyed a meal and used their litter boxes, Oscar was finally beginning to stir from the dregs of his dreams.

Oscar yawned as his teammates cheered, and the referees declared the San Diego Siestas the winners.

“Competitive napping is unlike any other sport out there,” said Sammy the Sloth, a rotund tuxedo cat and snore-by-snore announcer for the Competitive Napping League’s broadcast team. “It rewards the slow and the sedentary, moving somewhere between the speed of a snail and the growing of grass. The only other sport that comes close is golf.”

The Competitive Napping League (CNL) was just a dream of its founders until Saudi Royal Feline Smudge bin Salman stepped in, signing the laziest felines to seven figure contracts and infusing the new sport with millions in marketing money.

Now competitive napping matches routinely air on ESPN7, and this year the CNL inked a deal for six nationally televised naps per season. The most accomplished nappers can also participate in the postseason nap-offs, and ambassadors for the sport are lobbying the International Olympic Committee to include competitive napping in the winter and summer games.

“This isn’t a genteel game like baseball or jai alai,” said Somnambulist Smokey, a silver shorthair. “This is hardcore, no-snores-barred snoozing, and it’s not for the faint of heart.”

As a sleepwalker, Smokey is one of the league’s most accomplished competitors. He’s known for getting up mid-snore and slapping his opponents in the face before laying down again. Initially suspected of cheating, Smokey was vindicated when brain activity monitors showed he remained in REM sleep, making him an authentic sleepwalker.

However, he’s not the only cat with tricks up his paw.

Filthy Frank the Flatulist is captain of the Fort Worth Forty Winks, and his emissions are of such olfactory potency that they can wake opponents out of the deepest slumbers.

“The [New York] Nappers strolled in here like they owned the place,” said teammate Charlie the Chonk. “Frank had them up and yowling in about 30 seconds with a squeaker that wafted over to the enemy and refused to dissipate.”

brown and white tabby cat — Credit: Matheus Bertelli/Pexels

Competitive napping is growing in popularity, with amateur clubs springing up in Japan, Taiwan, Scandinavia and the Principality of Sealand.

The Copenhagen Cozies and Helsingør Hygge recently slept through exhibition matches against the Louisiana Liesures and the Miami Sleepmasters.

“There’s nothing like the rush of a good nap followed by mews that you’ve outslept your opponents,” said Liesures captain Zoe Zzzz, “then going back down for another nap to celebrate!”

DES MOINES — With his brow furrowed in concentration, the US team captain took a moment at the top of the lane to analyze the geometry of the task before him.

Satisfied that he’d correctly sized things up, he lunged forward and sent the ball barreling down the polished hardwood where it connected with a pin on the right, clipping it with just enough force to snap it toward its twin on the other side.

As both pins reverberated with a familiar clunk and the score registered a spare, teammates and spectators alike broke out into a raucous cheer.

It was business as usual for the US National Bowling Team except for one small detail: the bowler who’d just collected another spare was a domestic cat named Buddy.

Asked to summarize his feline teammate’s game, bowler Jeffrey Lebowski didn’t hesitate.

“One word,” he said. “Lights out. Actually that’s uh, that’s two words, but you get my drift, man.”

For Lebowski and his fellow bowlers, championship ambitions became reality with the meteoric rise of Buddy the Cat, who dominated the lower leagues before joining the national squad and quickly earning its captaincy.

“I’ve been knocking things over since I was a kitten,” Buddy said matter-of-factly. “Swiping objects isn’t just a hobby. For me, it’s a passion.”

Indeed, the silver tabby estimates he’s slapped tens of thousands of items off of tables, chairs, desks and counters at home over the years. He says he’s knocked his human’s smartphone to the floor more times than he can count, along with TV remotes, keys, writing instruments and beverages.

He credits the latter especially with providing him with the foundation necessary to excel on the lanes.

“If you think about it, a water bottle isn’t much different than a bowling pin,” Buddy explained. “They have a similar form factor and center of gravity, and they both make a satisfying slap as they hit the floor.”

But making a career of his passion never occurred to the New York-born feline until he dozed off on the couch one day and woke up to a bowling broadcast on ESPN6.

He was instantly smitten.

“I couldn’t believe such a sport existed,” Buddy recalled. “I said to my human: ‘All this time you knew there was a competitive sport that involves my favorite thing to do besides napping and eating, and you just neglected to mention it to me?’ I mean, it doesn’t even involve any running or physical exertion whatsoever! I knew it was the sport for me.”

Buddy and Lebowski — Jeffrey Lebowski with Buddy the Cat.

Buddy’s new teammates were skeptical at first, but when he filled in for teammate Walter Sobchak and bowled a perfect 300, they were sold.

“I told those %@#*s down at the league office that I don’t roll on Shabbos, but they scheduled us for a Friday night game anyway,” Sobchak said. “I told the league office ‘You’re entering a world of pain if we lose because I can’t roll,’ but Buddy saved our bacon. Shomer Shabbos!”

Buddy says he’s focused on leading the US team to its first championship in decades, but credits the experience for broadening his horizons. He said he’s particularly interested in getting involved in boxing “since boxes are another passion of mine.”

“Boxing sounds amazing, and I’m partial to all kinds of boxes, not just cardboard,” he said. “But first we have a world championship to win.”