Tag: elevators

Dear Buddy: Why Do Some Cats Have Flabby Stomachs?

Buddy explains the primordial pouch, a feature that allows cats to do some really awesome stuff in battle.

Dear Buddy,

Why do some cats (like you) have flabby tummies? Why do those flabby stomachs jiggle when some cats (like you) run around? Like Anna Delvey famously asked Vivian: “Are you pregnant or are you so very, very fat?”

Horrified in Honolulu

Dear Horrified,

FAKE NEWS.

What you’re seeing is my primordial pouch, also known as the Warrior’s Pouch, the Paunch of Feline Heroes and the Champion’s Abdomen. When it’s prominent, as in my case, it indicates the cat in question comes from a line of feline warriors, and that the blood of fierce combatants courses through his veins.

Buddy vs The Dragon
A painting depicting the Battle of Felinar Caverns, when Buddy slew the dragon Ysunvaer in single combat. Original image credit: Johan Grenier

If your primordial pouch is not prominent, it means you’re descended from wimps who probably hid under the stairs when faced with threats, like the angry machine god Vakuum and the Elevator, the Mysterious Room That Eats People.

You see, according to scientists, the primordial pouch offers protection to our vital organs during battle, so an errant slash won’t open our guts.

The pouch serves another critical function, allowing us to fully stretch our bodies, thus making possible the incredibly acrobatic and awesome moves that distinguish us as the graceful combatants we are. The primordial pouch makes it possible for us to jump really high, cover incredible distance in a single bound, and tear up the dance floor.

As you can clearly see from the photos, I’m all rippling muscle aside from the primordial pouch, so I’m totally not chonky.

Your Champion,

Buddy

Singapore_Zoo_White_Tiger-2_(8323953474)
All cats, including tigers, have primordial pouches. Credit: Wikimedia Commons

Buddy The Cat Discovers Terrifying Haunted Room

The haunted room, called an “elevator” by humans, eats its occupants.

NEW YORK — Cursing “those infernal humans and their sorcery,” Buddy the Cat tried to fall asleep on Monday night while forgetting the horrors he saw earlier that day.

The normally happy, outgoing cat slipped out of his own apartmental realm as his human was entering it and resumed exploring and charting the strange land outside, known only as The Hallway.

Buddy rounded a corner, exploring further than he’d ever been when he discovered a large room at the intersection of three corridors. The smells were alien to him. Set into the wall was a shiny metal door, wider than the others. A tone chimed and it opened briefly to a small empty room before closing again.

Buddy could hear a deep rumble and feel a trembling beneath his paw pads.

“That’s when the doors opened again, and a tall woman in a blue dress walked out,” Buddy recalled. “The room was conjuring people!”

elevators
Portals similar to the haunted room discovered by Buddy near his own realm.

But the foul sorcery that can create a human can also undo one, the cat confirmed gravely.

“The room is hungry and devours as much as it creates,” he said. “I saw humans enter and the next time it opened, they were gone!”

As of press time, the gray tabby cat was brainstorming ideas for luring dogs into the deadly chamber.

gangnamelevator
Another haunted room used for evil human sorcery.