Buddy the Cat – Page 100 – Pain In The Bud

The Most Interesting Cat In The World

“I don’t always eat kibble, but when I do, I stop the second I can see the bottom of the bowl.”

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For the full experience, play this in the background as you read. 🙂

“His scratches are so artful they’re featured on at least 15 hip hop albums. When dinner time arrives, he feeds his human. He makes biscuits for Michelin-starred restaurants. He is….the most interesting cat in the world.”

“I don’t always break things, but when I do, I prefer breaking irreplaceable personal items. Stay Buddy, my friends.”

“His meow can be understood by speakers of 43 different languages. On Halloween, other cats dress like him. When the veterinarian gives him shots, he shoots back. He is…the most interesting cat in the world.”

“I don’t always get the zooms, but when I do, I rocket around at 120 mph. Stay Buddy, my friends.”

“The owners of the Empire State Building keep a perch for him at the very top of the structure. His litterbox was the inspiration for Calvin Klein’s newest cologne. He’s so adept at knocking things off flat surfaces, the US National Bowling Team recruited him when he was just a kitten. He is…the most interesting cat in the world.”

“I don’t always seek affection, but when I do, it’s always at the time, place and duration of my choosing. Stay Buddy, my friends!”

“His feelings are so strong, he enlisted the Mountain from Game of Thrones as his Emotional Support Human. He always lands on his feet, even in zero gravity. His leap is so graceful, Michael Jordan once asked him for his pawtograph. He is…the most interesting cat in the world.”

“I don’t always want to be let in, but when I do, I want to be let back out again immediately. Stay Buddy, my friends.”

Pine Cat Litter?

How does pine cat litter compare to clay and crystal? We’re about to find out…

I was at Trader Joe’s today when I saw pine litter sitting on the shelf.

Pine litter? Never heard of it before.

So I picked it up, read the package and thought pine didn’t sound so bad. Fresh pine definitely smells better than whatever perverse alchemy happens with crystal litter designed to overwhelm the olfactory senses with a vague air freshener scent.

But, I thought, it’s probably not a good idea to switch up cat litters on my Buddy, especially so suddenly. I put the bag back on the shelf.

Then again, Buddy has been remarkably tolerant of every different cat litter I’ve tried. He didn’t bat an eye when I switched from clay to crystal, or when I switch brands. I picked up the bag again.

So I bought the pine litter, brought it home and just filled the little guy’s litter box with it a few minutes ago.

A8DAD129-95DA-4184-A238-8F881BCA0533 — Most pine litter looks like this.

Ruh roh! The pine pellets are big, much bigger than litter granules. And filling up the litter box took the entire bag. I’m worried. Is Bud gonna tolerate this? Will he take to it, or did I just condemn myself to scrubbing cat poop off the hardwood floors tomorrow morning?

I’d also forgotten to consider the fact that Bud likes to dig, dig, dig like he’s tunneling to China. It doesn’t look like he can do that with the pine.

On the plus side, the litter does smell like fresh cut wood, and that’s a definite improvement.

For now the king is sitting next to me on the couch. Nature will call before bed time, and I shall have my answer. Let’s hope it’s not poop on the floor.

BC38153D-4176-4973-8143-A3C348C079A1 — Why the heck is it garnished in this photo? Who garnishes cat litter? Does this mean cats like to snack on this stuff too?

The Many Styles of Cat Fu

My style cannot be defeated! You will rue the day you failed to clean my litter box. Hah!

Welcome, young grasshopper.

For the next 10 years, these temple walls will be your home. Before you return to the realm of man and cat wearing the orange robes of a true sifu, you will learn the many styles of cat fu!

Dissatisfied With Wet Food Technique:

catfu — “You dare feed me tuna? Prepare to die!” Primarily deployed against humans, this style is effective in registering displeasure at meal time. It should be accompanied by a shrill, as-annoying-as-possible meow.

Invisible Skateboard Style:

catfu8 — “Tony Hawk is an amateur who cannot defeat my style!”

Stance of the Five Bladed Bitch-Slap:

catfu9 — “Step away from my treats!” A powerful stance to strike fear into the hearts of cats and humans alike. The extended claws signal you mean business.

Toxoplasma Gondii Technique

0E53A29A-638E-46B0-9192-A5474EF43D91 — A true cat fu Master need not use his fists, for he is able to control and manipulate the minds of simple creatures like humans.

Whirling Tuxedo Style:

catfu2 — “You steal my Temptations? Prepare to die!”

Can Opener Fist of Doom:

catfu3 — If this technique were not so difficult to master, humans would be rendered obsolete.

Flying Strike of Wake Me Up and Feed Me Breakfast:

catfu4 — “You dishonor your family by sleeping until 5:59 a.m. Get out of bed and feed me breakfast, or feel the full extent of my wrath!”

Soiling Tiger Style:

catfu5 — “You shall rue the day you chose not to clean the litter box.”

Stop Petting Me Before I Bite You Technique:

catfu6 — “I enjoyed the petting and now demand that you stop, human.”

Stance of the Broken Wand Toy:

catfu7 — “Better get to the pet store and buy me a new one, or else…”

Inebriated Catnip Boxing Style:

catfu11 — “Oh man, this is good stuff. Who’s got the munchies?”

Crouching Tabby, Hidden Buddy Style:

“This is stealth, not cowardice. My enemies cannot see me because I am inside a bag!”

Lazy Claw Technique:

1495125423076 — “We shall have our duel after I finish my nap!”

Photographs of kung fu cats taken by Hisakata Hiroyuki. Photos of lazy Buddy by me.

Cats and the Art of Not Caring

Your petty human concerns are beneath us!

“Any dog’s a good dog, as long as you’re not a psycho.”

So says Bill Burr in an extended confessional rant about dogs picking up on their humans’ moods.

“I didn’t realize they feed off your vibes. If you’re chillin’, they’re chillin’. If you’re sleeping, they’re sleeping,” Burr says.

“But if you’re a psycho like me, and you’re standing in front of the TV screaming at the ref like ‘Dude, you’ve gotta be f—-ing kidding me!’, I didn’t realize the dog was gonna be in the corner like, ‘Yeah, you gotta be f—-in’ kidding me! This is bullsh!t! I don’t know what this guy’s mad at, but I love this guy!’”

Thirty thousand years of human companionship have forged dogs into the animal world’s foremost people experts, more well-attuned to human moods and behavior than any other creature by several orders of magnitude. Dogs can smell our emotions, read intent in our body language and gauge our sincerity by the way our facial muscles twitch.

If a dog’s favorite person is amped up about something, the dog is too.

But cats? They just don’t care.

When humans act out, cats are more like annoyed roommates.

“Excuse me, but you’re at a nine and I need you at about a two, okay? Some of us are trying to sleep like civilized people.”

“What?! Can’t you see I’m upset? You should be concerned.”

“Not my problem. Remember what I said: A two. And dinner better not be late! I don’t care what those guys on the TV are doing, my bowl needs to have fresh yums at the strike of dinner o’clock.”

DCED9394-81DB-444F-B43A-E53F2033A65E — “What is it that concerns you, human? Oh! I just remembered, I don’t care.”

If it doesn’t impact their food, territory or the quality of the service they’re receiving, cats don’t want to know.

So while I might be on the edge of my seat watching the Yankees’ Aaron Judge take a 3-2 pitch with the game tied in the bottom of the ninth inning, Buddy’s probably thinking, “Damnit, can the Yankees lose already so he stops moving around? I need a stable lap and some peace and quiet!”

Any cat’s an ambivalent cat, regardless of whether you’re a psycho.

2019 Official Royal Portrait

Lauded for its realism, Master Pawbine’s official portrait depicts the king in all his radiant glory, just like a photograph.

Regal in posture, handsome in countenance, luminous in presence. The Official Royal Portrait of Buddy depicts His Grace in his natural splendor, emitting radiant energy as he assumes a majestic pose.

Bend the knee and approach him humbly while bearing delicious treats, for that is how one curries favor with the king.