Buddy – Page 63 – Pain In The Bud

Buddy’s Mailbag: Get Your Tongue Off Me!

“I want my human to lick me with a rubber tongue!” said no cat ever.

Dear Buddy,

I know your advice column is meant for cats, but I thought you’d make an exception for a human who seeks your wise and benevolent guidance, Oh Great Handsome One, for who else is as smart and perceptive as Buddy?

My question is: Should I buy a Licki? You know, one of those silicon rubber “tongues” with spikes that are supposed to mimic a kitty’s bristled tongue. I’d like to bond with my cat, and according to the people who make the Licki, grooming my kitty just like a momma cat is the best way to bond.

What do you think?

– Human In Hawkins, Indiana

Dear HiHi,

Oh hell no!

Big Buddy bought one of those things and creeped up on me all stealth-like when I was taking a nap one day. One second I’m dreaming about bountiful feasts with endless roast turkey, the next I’m waking up to that daft two-legs dragging a rubber tongue back and forth through my fur, looking like an epileptic seal.

I thought I was being attacked by a porcupine dipped in crazy glue! Once I realized what was happening, I gave Big Buddy a hard paw smack and bit his hand for emphasis: Get that weak shit out of my personal space!

Licki Terrorist! — Horrific and embarrassing for everyone involved. Don’t. Just don’t.

So no, don’t buy a Licki. You’ll just waste $25 on a piece of rubber that makes your cats loathe you. Instead, provide massages on-demand and step your treats game up. Now that is something your kitties will appreciate.

– Buddy out

Licki? No. — This poor cat looks traumatized. He should smack his human like I did.

Buddy’s Mailbag: You Sexy Beast You

An admirer initiates a courtship ritual with Buddy, who is completely oblivious.

Dear Buddy,

My, you’re a handsome one. And single, too. Why don’t you and I get together?

– Cali the Calico

Dear Cali,

Thanks! Get together to do what, exactly?

– Buddy

Dear Buddy,

No need to be so coy, we’re both adults. To make more kitties, of course!

– Cali

Dear Cali,

I’m confused. Big Buddy says the Kitty Stork delivers the kittens. Won’t the stork be mad that we’re taking his job?

Buddy

Dear Buddy,

Oh you little joker! Now seriously, I’m in heat so where will we meet?

Cali

Cali,

The heat wave is really bad! You should drink lots of water and make sure you get enough protein.

– Buddy

Buddy,

Okay, do you seriously not understand how kittens are made? Didn’t anyone ever have ‘the talk’ with you about the birds and the bees?

Cali

Cali,

Now you’re confusing me. I know about the stork. No one ever said bees were involved. I don’t like bees.

Buddy

Jerk Face,

Wow, what a man-child! I’ll bet you play video games too with your precious “Big Buddy.” Losers!

– Cali

Cali,

We love playing video games! But we win more than we lose! If you wanted to come over to play video games, why didn’t you just say so?

Hello?

Hello?!

Cali??

Was it something I said?

Buddy’s Browser History

Uh, what’s this $42.07 charge for KFC on my credit card?

MEOWZILLA FIRECAT BROWSER HISTORY

July 19, 2019

catnip how to get – google.com search 11:31 pm

catnip best kind – google.com search 11:38 pm

does catnip give u the munchies – google.com search 11:42 pm

HOW TO DESTROY DOOR – google.com search 12:01 am

July 20, 2019

kfc – google.com search 7/20/2019 8:14 pm

pictures of kfc – google.com search 7/20/2019 8:14 pm

pictures of kfc extra crispy – google.com search 7/20/2019 8:19 pm

KFC.com – Enter Your Credit Card Information – 7/20/2019 8:26 pm

KFC.com – Order Confirmation 7/20/2019 8:26 pm

KFC.com – Invalid Billing Information 7/20/2019 8:26 pm

KFC.com – Invalid Billing Information 7/20/2019 8:28 pm

steal human’s cerdit card – google.com search 7/20/2019 8:34 pm

KFC.com – Thank You for Your Order 7/20/2019 8:39 pm

July 23, 2019

picturrs hot calico – google.com search 1:03 am

picturrs hot calico butt – google.com search 1:07 am

July 24, 2019

wtf is scary moving room – google.com search 11:49 am

room moves scary – google.com search 11:52 am

doors open room moves very scary – google.com search 11:53 am

Elevator – Wikimedia Commons – 11:53 am

July 25, 2019

Mewlander – google.com search 12:37 am

Derek Mewlander tomcat model – google.com search 12:39 am

how 2 become cat model – google.com search 12:42 am

July 26, 2019

11 Litterbox Hacks – Meoowgle.com 1:03 am

Veterinarian Says Do THIS Every Morning For Silky Smooth Coat – Meoowgle.com 1:08 am

7 Celebrity Kitties You Didn’t Know Were Still Alive – FuzzFeed.com 1:26 am

Get Your Humans To Feed You More With This 1 Weird Trick! – FuzzFeed.com 1:31 am

Take This Quiz And Find Out Which ThunderCat You Are!! – FuzzFeed.com 1:36 am

Street Cat Bob Throws Shade At Grumpy Cat On Twitter, Celebricats Reactions Are PRICELESS – PawrezHilton.com 1:47 am

Whiskers Rees-Moggy DESTROYS The Libs: “Vegan Kibble Is For Pussies” – PawrezHilton.com 1:52 am

Buddy’s Mailbag: What’s Your Adoption Story?

He was small and his mew was only a squeak, but he already had a very big heart and lots of love to give.

Dear Buddy,

How did your hooman adopt you? What happened?

Head bump,

Stasi in ‘Stralia

Buddy Buddy Buddy! — Dapper, debonair and delightful.

Dear Stasi,

At the dawn of time in 1 AB (Anno Buddy), a mommy cat gave birth to a litter of feisty felines. They were strapping young kitties, and when the time came for them to pair up with humans and move to their new homes, they went one-by-one.

All except one, the smallest and runtiest of the bunch. He was sick and he had a limp, but he was a happy little boy. Every day he waved goodbye to his brothers and sisters, and wondered if anyone would want him. He was small and his mew was only a squeak, but he already had a very big heart and lots of love to give.

Then it happened. A mysterious stranger enquired about the runt and almost two weeks later he arrived in person to take the little kitten home. The little kitten was scared. This human put music on in the car ride home, and his singing voice was terrible!

The kitten cried.

“Don’t worry,” the human said as he drove. “Me and you are going to be best buddies! You’ll see!”

After arriving at a strange new place, claiming every inch of it and pooping under the human’s bed for two weeks, the little kitten knew he had found his home. The human’s bed became his bed. The human became his pillow. Things were turning out okay.

The human fed the kitten healthy food. The kitten’s limp improved, his coat started to look healthy, and his poops were less nasty. The kitten also learned that the box with litter inside it was for the aforementioned pooping, not for making sand castles.

The kitten still had no name. One day the human’s mom observer her son with the kitten, and after her son called the cat “little buddy,” she said: “That’s a perfect name for him: Bud. You guys are the Buddies. Buddy number one and Buddy number two.”

They were henceforth known as Big Buddy and Little Buddy.

Buddy the Cat — Buddy the cat surveying his territory from an elevated position.

The big human and little cat became best friends. One day Big Buddy brought home a harness. Little Buddy didn’t like it. But after a lot of practice, Little Buddy learned to accept the harness and learned how to walk on it next to his Big Buddy.

It was during one of those walks that a human female saw Little Buddy and declared him the cutest kitten ever. Suddenly Little Buddy realized he was very handsome, and embarked on a career as a kitty model that continues to this day.

Soon Little Buddy began pumping iron, and began the transformation to the strong, regal kitty with huge muscles that you’re familiar with today.

And there you have it. Buddy’s origin story.

– Buddy the Brave

Compendium of Powerful and Handsome Cats — Many scientists believe Budus Felidus, left, is directly related to Panthera Onc, right, also known as the leopard. Others believe Budus Felidus is a sub-species of tiger.

Buddy’s Mailbag: How Do I Open Doors?

Thousands of years ago an evil human was looking for a way to annoy cats and invented the first door.

Dear Buddy,

What is the sick human fascination with doors? Who invented these vile things?

Better yet, how do I get them to open?

I hate doors!

– Hater in Honolulu

Dear H in H,

Welcome to the club, hermano!

No one really knows for sure where doors came from. Our best scientists have a working theory that humans invented doors thousands of years ago as a way to torture us cats.

It worked.

Not much foils us, mind, but doors are a uniquely anti-feline feature of human homes, and we all loathe them. But take heart! They can be defeated.

The Handle Twist — Doors with handles are the easiest to open!

If the doors in your home have handles instead of knobs, and they’re low enough that you can reach them without jumping, then what are you writing to me for? Go open them!

However, if your humans were evil enough to buy doors with knobs, or if reaching the handles requires you to jump, you’re going to need a little more finesse, my friend.

I call it the jump-and-twist. You’re going to need to leap up toward the knob while at the same time twisting your body in mid-air — a trivial move if you’re muscular like I am — so that your back feet catch the door frame. Then use the leverage from your back paws to push while keeping your front paws on the knob. Make sure you turn it!

cat-door — A kitty successfully completes the jump-and-twist and even manages to avoid the water trap his evil humans have laid for him. Kitty 2, Humans 0.

Finally, if you’re not athletic or the door is too difficult to open (or if you’re just lazy), you can employ what I like to call The Buddy Special.

The Buddy Special is very easy: Simply stand next to the door and cry, making your meows more pitiful-sounding by the second. Be sure to hit the sweet spot frequency that mimics a human baby’s cries: Humans are compelled to get up and investigate when they hear that sound!

Good luck and stay Buddy, my friends!

– Buddy the Wise