Luis Navarro was having trouble breathing at night, so he set up a video camera to film himself while sleeping, Paranormal Activity style.
Sure enough the footage revealed something terrifying: The Texas man’s tabby cat was climbing into bed with him and clamping down like a facehugger from Alien, smothering his face in fur!
To explain this behavior we turned to Buddy, who offered his insights and expertise as a cat.
Big Buddy: Thanks for taking the time to help us make sense of these images, Bud.
Little Buddy: You’re very welcome. Just remember my fee in treats is due at the end of this conversation. Ten Temptations.
LB: Nine! That’s as low as I go.
BB: Then I guess we’ll have to find another cat to answer…
LB: No! No. Six it is. You drive a hard bargain, human.
BB: That’s because I’m the one who has to clean up your puke if you get sick. So anyway, what’s going on in these photos?
LB: Okay, the kitty jumps into bed with Luis.
LB: And he hugs Luis’ face.
BB: Yes. We can see that. But why?
LB: Well, humans always want to see the best in us, so they’ll convince themselves that Luis’ cat loves him so much and it’s just a hug.
BB: You’re saying it’s not a hug?
LB: Of course not. It’s practice.
BB: Practice…for what?
LB: Isn’t it obvious? Murder. For when Luis becomes a stingy jerk and gives him six treats instead of 10.
BB: Oh! Still with the Temptations?
LB: I feel undervalued.
BB: You didn’t even answer the question!
LB: I did so! Now you know what happens to stingy humans who hold out on their feline masters. I believe you owe me 10 treats, sir.
So there you have it. Don’t piss off a cat, or he’ll murder you and make it look like the most adorable, loving murder ever.