Buddy Unravels Astonishing Conspiracy During Ayahuasca Trip

“I see it now!” Buddy exclaimed. “Everything is connected, and we are everything! Who else is hungry?”

PERU — Three hours after ingesting ayahuasca brewed by a jaguar shaman — and two hours after jaguar scouts found him running around the jungle while screaming about extradimensional Teletubbies — Buddy the Cat had unraveled an astonishing conspiracy, sources reported.

The New York-based cat, who had long sought to ingratiate himself with various groups of big cats, usually with disastrous results, finally found kinship with the tolerant jaguars in 2021 when he ventured into the Amazon and impressed the jungle-dwelling felids with his extensive knowledge of novel napping techniques. He also introduced the jaguars to turkey, and in return for his contributions to the jaguar nation, the big cats granted him the jungle name Kinich Bajo, which means “tiny sun-eyed one” in the ancient Yucatec dialect.

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Buddy with Canguçu, one of his jaguar buddies.

Buddy returned to the Amazon in October of 2023 to “spend time with my homies” and participate in an ancient jaguar shamanistic ritual involving tea brewed from ayahuasca, the powerful psychedelic used in indigenous ceremonies.

Clearing a small grove in the Amazon rainforest and using rocks to represent people, places and ideas, Buddy was able to find indisputable connections between the Annunaki, the defunct Blockbuster chain of video rental stores and NFL linebacker Barkevious Mingo.

“But where does the Vatican fit in?” Buddy asked, resting his chin on his right paw thoughtfully. “Could it be that Barkevious Mingo is the true pope, and he was speaking ex cathedra when he said Havarti cheese is the food of the gods? Is catkind really ready to accept a divine proclamation on yums that excludes turkey and gouda?”

Buddy and Jaguars
An artist’s impression of Buddy and jaguar elder Yguakina in the Amazon, piecing together great mysteries.

A pair of jaguar minders exchanged worried glances as they approached the tabby cat from both sides.

“Come back to the campfire, Kinich Bajo,” said Xbalanque, the older of the two, using the name jaguar elders had bestowed on the silver tabby. “Your work here can wait.”

Buddy didn’t take his eyes off the complex diagram of rocks, vines and leaves he’d carefully assembled. “Not while I’m so close!”

Xbalanque shook his head. “Where is Elder Yguakina?”

Buddy sighed.

“I had to send him away! He’d become consumed with this ridiculous theory involving Ragnar Lothbrok, the 1973 Pittsburgh Pirates and the Webb telescope,” Buddy said. “I don’t have time for such nonsense!”

As of press time, the Jaguar Nation of Iquitos Amazonia said Buddy was on the verge of a great discovery and will not emerge from the jungle until he’s connected the dots or the psychedelic brew wears off, whichever comes first.

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Buddy with his jaguar buddies Xibalbá, left, and Ek B’alam.
Buddy and Jaguars
Buddy and Yguakina find a grove where they begin diagramming Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon. (Artist’s impression.)

22 thoughts on “Buddy Unravels Astonishing Conspiracy During Ayahuasca Trip”

    1. Probably hidden somewhere in all that Mayan 2012 nonsense, which actually foretold the arrival of Buddy but was off by a few years. He’s gonna have to get used to swimming if he wants to be a real jaguar.

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      1. Buddy will have to learn how to hunt and eat caiman, too. Jaguars are fond of the reptiles, I wonder if Buddy will develop a taste for caiman.

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      2. In the first jaguar story from 2021, I had a detail in there about a ranger spotting Buddy struggling to take bites out of a caiman hunted by a jaguar. I didn’t plan on making it a series of humor posts when I wrote the first one about Bud breaking into the tiger enclosure at the Bronx Zoo, but the story where he tries to start his own lion pride seemed like a natural follow-up, and then the jaguars seemed like a perfect fit for the big cats who finally accept him.

        Although tigers are iconic and majestic and irreplaceable, jaguars may be my favorite big cats for their beauty, mystery, the habitats they inhabit, the many ways they’re unique among felids, and the fact that there are no known instances of man-eaters among them. The only time they seem to attack humans is when they’re cornered or they believe their cubs are being threatened.

        Other than that, jaguar experts say when you enter the jungle the jaguars know immediately that you’re there, and they have eyes on you, but you’ll only see them if they allow you to.

        Which makes it even more heartbreaking that Chinese poachers, having exhausted their supply of tigers and finding it increasingly difficult to poach lions due to local efforts to protect them, are now out in force in the Amazon, slaughtering jaguars to feed the traditional Chinese “medicine” market for big cat parts.

        I know it’s not PC, but I hate that country. I don’t hate the people, but I hate the government, I hate its various genocides against Uyghurs, Falon Gong and other minorities, I hate its endless persecution of people of every religion, I hate what it’s done to Hong Kong, I hate its attacks on the free press, I hate its censors’ increasing influence on Hollywood and other US industries, and I hate hate hate with all my heart the cultural rot that has led to national indifference to the suffering of animals, whether it’s dog meat festivals, cats slaughtered to make “little tiger soup,” the horrific trend of keeping baby monkeys as pets and torturing them for “fun,” and especially the TCM market which has pushed tigers, pangolins, elephants, lions, rhinos and now jaguars to the brink of extinction, all because some people think ingesting animal parts will grant them virility, cure baldness or whatever other nonsense they believe.

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  2. Oh my Buddy is soooooo back! The imagery, the conspiracy & that flair! He’s back, Buddy is back! Yesssssss…I’m so happy, as is Oreo & he is 100% sure Buddy’s thoughts are facts so, tysm for all of it & we, as in me & Oreo, are here for it… Welcome back to the high road & to good health to both Buddy’s 🐾🐾👣✨️🧀🍗🍻

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    1. Thanks, Debi. He’s been good for 72 hours or so now, so I’m trying not to get ahead of myself but I think he’s finally over the hump. He’s back to behaving like himself and last night I woke up to him purring loudly and rubbing the top of his head against my face. I was so happy that he was properly purring again that I didn’t even mind him waking me up. (Not that I ever really do mind.)

      Thanks for keeping the little guy in your prayers.

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      1. You got this. I’m really happy things have turned a healthy corner. You remain in our hearts for certain. I get being a little apprehensive but again, he’s not anywhere near the sick boy that was rushed to urgent care. I have no business telling you what to do with Buddy but I’d still follow up with his regular vet or if it’s too stressful to bring him in at least have all his records transferred to his regular provider for future reference… Best Always & Goodnight

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      2. He was too sick to care or protest last week, so that wasn’t an issue, and I really don’t have any trouble getting him into his carrier since I socialized him so much as a kitten and left the carrier open, occasionally throwing treats inside, so he didn’t associate it with the vet.

        To him the carrier means going on an adventure or a nice place to nap at home, although I’ll need to reinforce that I think.

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      3. Well you’ve done well. I’m glad he’s good at the carrier. Oreo is good at everything & everyone at home. I socialized him as well & oddly he’s great at the carrier but unfortunately even the vet staff is scared of him. It’s a Jeckll and Hyde situation. It’s all good until we walk into that door & then it appears he’s was the understudy for Linda Blair in the Exorcist in a prior life. Tried drugs & his alter ego bust thru the meds!

        I would love for you to know everything. I mean just to get his labs done so if there’s any minute detail that you can catch now before it’s another scary experience, I’d feel better for you both. You both take good care & stay healthy & happy & i’ll just be admiring the fabulous artwork & loving Buddy’s stories & hey, we’re always here if you need us! More importantly the Animal Medical Center of Manhattan is & has always been 24/7 & their # is 800-838-8100. Good night & continued health & wellness to you both today & everyday ❤️💙

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    1. The one with Buddy and the jaguar brothers is one of my favorites. It’s a straight up Photoshop and I didn’t do anything fancy, but the look on Bud’s face is hilarious and perfect for the image.

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      1. A legend among the jaguars, a legendary turkey aficionado, the Hercules of cats with legendary physique and meowscles. You just can’t see how ripped he is because of his fur, but obviously it’s all meowscle under there!

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    2. may i assume from the wonderfully – (may i say mildly snarky tone that his buddyship has returned to a a condition that relieves big buddy of the whole hairy ‘will he EVER be buddy again’ torment. good job little buddy, you tested and proved your point-YOU ARE LOVED! now take care of big buddy and no relapses allowed-ya hear

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      1. Yes! Knock on wood, he’s been better since his last “relapse” on Sunday and now he’s eating almost like normal again, although I am making some changes to his diet to make sure he stays hydrated.

        Thanks for your concern for the little guy. I’ve been watching him very closely and I’m confident he’s okay now.

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