Manly, Heroic Ex-NFL Player Kills Puma For Fun, Cries About Backlash

Derek Wolfe is a badass.

The 295-lb former NFL lineman recently got a license to kill mountain lions, so when he heard about a puma that was “terrorizing” a Colorado community by existing near it, he packed his weapons of war, rounded up his hounds and set off, trailing testosterone like a beefed up Jim Corbett gone to deliver justice to the Champawat tiger.

First he spoke to a local homeowner, who had an ominous warning for him.

“And when we had talked to the landowner, they said, ‘Hey, we have house cats. And the cats are acting weird.’

No doubt the cats were agitated and wanted to get out there to cause havoc with their feline brother by existing and eating stuff. The cats would have to be dealt with later.

Arriving at the scene, Wolfe (what a badass name) found the remains of a recently-killed deer and knew the evil mountain lion hadn’t reformed its ways. By continuing to exist despite the discomfort of people in the area, and continuing to eat, the defiant cougar was practically asking to be hunted down and killed.

bowofrighteous

Moving downwind of the fearsome predator so that it wouldn’t smell the pheromonal cloud of machismo that permanently surrounds him, Wolfe began climbing. The ascent was exhausting — not only is the 6’5″ Wolfe almost 300 pounds, but he was also carrying his sword, his health elixirs and his Bow of Righteous Smiting, a 1,000-DPS legendary weapon he obtained after slaying the Goblin King of Dreadmoore. Wolfe was carrying more than 400 pounds up the slope when he caught sight of the puma and did what men of testicular fortitude do: he released the hounds, who cornered the cat and chased it up a tree.

Then, with righteous fury, Wolfe drew his bow and killed — excuse me, “harvested” — the mountain lion, whose species is notoriously averse to conflict with humans and has killed fewer people in a century than dogs do in a week. But what are a few inconvenient facts between friends, amirite?

When Wolfe descended the treacherous slope with the corpse of the mighty cat like Geralt of Rivia toting the trophy from a monster hunt, the villagers applauded and sang songs of his bravery, then feasted in his honor.

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Derek Wolfe, conqueror. Credit: Derek Wolfe/Instagram

But all was not well, for when Wolfe posted the manly photos of himself posing manfully with the corpse of the big not-quite-big cat, a contingent of insignificant peons criticized him on Instagram for killing an animal that was allegedly “just surviving.”

So Wolfe did what men of his stature do, and went on Tucker Carlson’s show to cry about the rodential men and women nipping at his heels.

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Wolfe on Carlson’s TV show. Credit: Fox News

It is said that the combined testosterone of Wolfe and Carlson created a vortex of badassery that threatened to spark untameable hair and muscle growth in anyone who ventured too close. Female assistants had to be ushered out of the studio before the segment began, and the lesser men manning the cameras had to sign waivers absolving Wolfe and Carlson of blame if they were transformed into hulking man-beasts by the combined presence of the former lineman and the scion of a TV dinner empire.

“I’ve been through some tough training camps, brother, but this hunt was –  man – it beat me up bad. I was beat up bad. I’m all cut up and scraped up. I was in full-body cramps [and] barely made it up there,” Wolfe told Carlson.

Wolfe proceeded to regale Carlson with tales of how dangerous mountain lions are. Puma concolor, the scientific name for the species, is responsible for a whopping 27 deaths in the last century. That’s one person every four years, and most of those people triggered the confrontations by getting too close to puma cubs or cornering the animals. By comparison, dogs kill 25,000 people a year via attacks, and another 25,000 by spreading disease, the latter mostly in third-world countries. Cows killed 655 Americans over a nine-year period from 1999 to 2007. More than 40,000 Americans are killed in car crashes annually.

And while you’re 25 times more likely to be killed by a tornado than a shark, there were five times as many fatal shark attacks (144) in the US over the past century compared to fatal mountain lion attacks.

In other words, pumas rank extremely low on the list of potential dangers to people, despite their size and their superficial resemblance to much more dangerous African lions. Pumas/mountain lions, also known as catamounts and cougars, actively avoid humans and try to steer clear of conflict with people. When they kill a deer or even a pet, it’s not because they’re “terrorizing” communities — it’s because they’re obligate carnivores who need to eat meat to survive.

photo of a cougar near a log
A mountain lion. Credit: Nicky Pe/Pexels

Wolfe explained that it’s important to “tree” mountain lions in order to do recon on them and make sure they’re appropriately big and impressive-looking.

“Those full-grown males will kill kittens as well, they’ll kill kittens to get the females to go back into heat,” Wolfe said, confusing terms and the dominance behavior of African lions with American pumas, which are not the same species. “It’s important to manage that herd, right? You have to manage every population of animal out here, especially mountain lions. So we got the dogs on ’em.”

Who knew cats were herd animals? Who knew pumas had decided to give up their solitary lifestyles and live in prides? Who knew former NFL linebackers arbitrarily killing random pumas qualifies as ‘managing a population’? Someone call the wildlife biologists so they can rewrite their field guides!

Despite his ability to scale mountains and slay (mountain) lions, Wolfe was wounded by the backlash when he posted photos of himself with his “harvest.”

“I can’t believe what’s happening to me…They’ve had 200 calls to Colorado Parks and Wildlife trying to turn me in like I did something wrong,” Wolfe complained. “I’ve been harassed.”

Disclaimer: Since this is the internet, and this post is bound to bring in readers unfamiliar with PITB and the fact that we’re sarcastic jerks, allow us to state for the record that Wolfe did not kill the Goblin King of Dreadmoore, does not own the legendary Bow of Righteous Smiting, and we’re not exactly sure if the villagers in the unidentified rural Colorado community threw a feast in Wolfe’s honor after he returned with the corpse of the cat that had been “terrorizing” their community. I mean, they probably feasted him, but we haven’t confirmed it.

16 thoughts on “Manly, Heroic Ex-NFL Player Kills Puma For Fun, Cries About Backlash”

  1. Either way – taking “celebratory” images of this beautiful fellow earthing is in itself enough for him to be declared as unworthy of remaining in the Human DNA pool

    Liked by 5 people

    1. I found it bizarre that he thinks he’s doing a public service, like he’s The Guy people call when a “dangerous” animal is “terrorizing” a community, rather than calling wildlife officials.

      For all his enthusiasm, he doesn’t know much about mountain lions and clearly confuses them with African lions, and he’s got that common and extremely off-putting celebrity trait, which is the belief that they can post anything and everything online and no one can offer any feedback except adulation.

      You’re right, the celebratory images are gross.

      Liked by 5 people

  2. Just when it seems Tucker can’t get any more despicable he gives a platform to this POS. What’s next, they’ll track down and dispatch whoever “cancelled” the M&M spokescandies?

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Tucker jumped the shark ages ago. He does specials on aliens, but he doesn’t talk about SETI, the Fermi Paradox, the Drake Equation, the Dark Forest Theory, astrobiology or any of the stuff that people are trying to do to actually determine if we’re alone in the universe. He interviews people about crop circles, abductions by little greeb men, and cattle mutilation. Really hard-hitting journalism.

      Liked by 2 people

  3. Just makes me want to vomit & the truth of the matter is, this thing, this predator is one sick POS. I hate the photo, I hate anyone who thinks this is okay on any scale & honestly of all the math you’ve done to show just how little damage this animal did, humans are the biggest predators. Everyday we read, watch or hear, about someone killing someone or something. There’s no serial killer dog’s or cows. There’s no car & airplanes lurking up trees to fly into me or you or trying to run over us. It’s a human thing & it really makes you think about how far we haven’t come. Let’s be honest, aren’t we back sliding? Isn’t this a**hole proof of evolution in reverse?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I think he likes killing animals, he did cursory “research” on mountain lions before he went on Carlson’s show to portray his actions in a noble light, didn’t have the reading comprehension skills or patience to understand that puma concolor is not the same as panthera leo, doesn’t live in prides, doesn’t attack people and doesn’t have pride takeovers that involve cub-killing like African lions do. Then he made up some nonsense about how he’s doing the community a service by “managing” a “herd” of animals.

      I would have respected him more if he said: “You know, Tucker, I just like killing animals.” At least that would have been honest.

      Of course the whole thing bothers me, but what particularly bothers me is the ignorance, the idea that merely by existing, these animals are somehow a danger to humans. The truth is, if you live in a rural area in the American west or midwest, there are probably going to be mountain lions, and they’re going to kill deer and other prey animals because that’s what they do.

      That doesn’t mean they should be killed, or that they’re a threat to the community.

      If we don’t mature in our attitude, and soon, we’re going to live on a very lonely planet and probably cause a cascade failure in nature’s systems that leads to our extinction. Anyone who thinks complex natural systems can be “managed” is fooling themselves and vastly overestimating human ability to understand those systems.

      Finally, I think it’s easy to shoot at something when you know no one’s going to shoot back. These hunts aren’t dangerous, especially not with dogs doing the heavy lifting in terms of cornering the cats. So this idea that Wolfe was like Geralt of Rivia descending the mountain after risking his life slaying a dangerous beast…no.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. That wasn’t research, I don’t know what to call it but research leads to facts to help you decide on a course of action. This idiot is barely literate, he can make a list of what he can bring for a kill kit but the balance of his so called research was probably a beer & pork rind fueled search on YouTube. It makes sense that Tucker’s show carries a disclaimer, “For entertainment purposes only ” so the station isn’t riddled with law suits. It doesn’t matter though, if the people who watch him think his word is like Bible truth, ugh. Two points, what you mentioned about animal abuse of felines, I was watching a true crime doc & they mentioned that very specifically men who kill & torture cat’s are at a much higher level of being a danger to women as their cries sound like women. That wasn’t what I wanted to hear but I don’t deal with animal abuse well on any level. I wish I could unhear it but it’s with me now. Regarding the lonely planet, well we know that’s already happening. I was watching something on the Smithsonian Channel & I fell asleep only to wake up to see 2 white Rhinos. A mother & daughter. They were being guarded by layers of people, which isn’t uncommon because there are poachers. However, these two are the last two. There were males but they failed to mate & died before the females. So really they’re guarded just so they can reside on earth until they leave & then they’ll be gone forever. Sadly, they aren’t the first species to go extinct & they won’t be the last. This lonely planet you speak of is happening & you made many excellent points. What’s confusing to me & obviously to you is why? Everyone seems so hell bent on saving the planet & the creatures that live upon it but no one does anything about the people erasing it like this mental misguided pea brain. Why are there accolades & not consequences? It’s mind boggling. Once it was found out that this moron had literally done something horribly wrong (IDGAF if his research was off) why wasn’t he punished? Where are the penalties? Yes the cat is going to eat a deer & some other wildlife, that’s what’s for dinner in his world. The stories just get worse & worse & nothing changes. I know you & I & your other followers aren’t alone in this line of thinking so I guess my last question to you is are we the minority here? Are we going extinct? Have the murderers won? Or do we need to lose so much more before someone of some importance notices? It’s heartbreaking, it’s painful & I don’t think I’ll ever understand even if it was explained to me in great detail, I’m still probably too dull or dim to understand how in anyway is this okay? I just don’t get it…😭😭😭& I probably never will…

    Thank you for everything, always & for understanding & speaking out & doing everything that you can & I’m sure Buddy loves you a whole bunch extra for being a really good guy & servant even if you no longer eat turkey… your heart is in the right place.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m not a biologist or an expert in natural systems, but I do know they’re complex beyond our comprehension, and when we start deleting entire species, kill off 70% of the world’s wildlife and extirpate entire classes of animals, we set in motion irreversible changes with unpredictable consequences.

      Animals and insects do everything from pollinate to keep invasive or otherwise overwhelming flora from choking everything out, so there are the immediate impacts of removing them from the system, but beyond that, there will be adaptations that are impossible to predict.

      It’s like a Jenga tower. You remove a piece you think is unimportant to the structural integrity of the tower and the whole thing collapses, because you didn’t realize that one piece was keeping the weight distributed or keeping upper levels from toppling.

      I think, amid all the arguing and political nonsense involved in the climate change issue, we ignore what we’re doing to animals and their key role in the equilibrium of life on this planet.

      Again, I’m not an expert, just someone who appreciates the fact that our ignorance far outweighs what we think we know about the complex systems of nature.

      As always, thank you for the kind words. I strive to be a better servant to His Grace, Buddy I, King Turkey-Eater.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. From your mouth, to ears & eyes that impact the power of change! You’re welcome & it’s not about us being experts it’s just about being awake, aware & making the changes that necessary. Take care of the Turkey King & yourself, ALWAYS & INFINITELY ✨️✨️🌟

        Liked by 1 person

  5. ONE WERD: IDIOT!
    THE Mountain Lion was being a Mountain Lion…..so hee eated a Deer?
    When mee was on THE meen streetss of Wireton mee had to eat Birdiess an Mousiess to sirvive! It iss what CATSS due when they are livin inn THE wild!!
    That beeuteefull Mountain Lion deeserved to live! An Mistur Macho Man can kiss mee A$…..tushie!
    ***growlss*** BellaDharma an 😦 BellaSita Mum

    Liked by 1 person

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