Dear Buddy,
You’re always going on about food as if your Big Buddy doesn’t ply you with snacks. I know he does, because you’re getting chubby.
But that’s beside the point: You’re a cat! You don’t need humans to feed you. You could venture outside and grab yourself a nice juicy mouse or a plump bird!
It’s time for you to get in touch with your roots and your inner predator, Buddy.
– Rodent Hunter in Rhode Island
Dear Rodent Hunter,
First of all, I am NOT chubby. It’s called a primordial pouch, okay? Cats from fierce warrior lineages have them to protect us from the claws of our opponents and the talons of raptors. (The avian kind, not the dinosaurs, although if dinosaurs were still around I’d kick their asses too.)
Secondly, I would totally go outside and hunt me some snacks, but I can’t. It’s in my contract. When you make a living off your devastating good looks like I do, you can’t just get into scraps like a common cat.
– Buddy
Dear Buddy,
If you say so. But humans are constantly leaving tasty treats all over the place. You just need to know where and when to look.
For example, did you know humans eat whipped cream in the bathroom? It’s true! The next time your Big Buddy is shaving his whiskers, find some way to make a distraction that will draw him out of the bathroom.
While he’s distracted you can eat the whipped cream. There will be entire globs of it all around the sink! Just gobble it all down really fast and get out before Big Buddy realizes you’re eating his yummy snacks.
You’ll have plenty of time to savor the taste of that delicious whipped cream once you’re out of the bathroom. When you taste it, I want you to think of me. That’s the taste of victory, Buddy!
– Rodent Hunter in Rhode Island
Dear Rodent Hunter,
Thanks, my friend! It’s nice to know my readers love me so much. Big Buddy usually shaves at night.
Tonight I feast on sweet, yummy whipped cream!
– Buddy
Rodent Hunter,
WHAT THE &$@#, DUDE?!? That was NOT whipped cream! It didn’t taste like victory either. It was gross! I had to wash my mouth out eight times and eat half a bowl of kibble just to get the taste off my tongue, and then I got sick.
Do you think Big Buddy knew I was going to steal his whipped cream? He knew, right? That’s why he put that disgusting fake whipped cream for me to find. It’s the only logical explanation.
– Buddy
Dear Buddy,
You’re as sharp as you are handsome, Buddy! That’s got to be what happened. Your Big Buddy must’ve known and he played a prank on you. Makes total sense.
I eat the whipped cream all the time when my human shaves, and it is creamy and delicious! Maybe you should try again. Be really slick about it so your human doesn’t know you’re coming and put the fake whipped cream out for you. Be stealthy!
When you outsmart your human and you get that first taste of milky, creamy, silky deliciousness, remember that you’re a genius and you’ve earned it. Your persistence will pay off!
Let me know how it goes. 🙂
– RH
Dear RH,
I was outwitted again. 😦 I don’t know how he knew I was going to steal his whipped cream again, but somehow Big Buddy found out and pulled another fast one on me. What’s that saying? Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on you again!
Well I won’t give him the satisfaction of a third time! I’m done trying to steal whipped cream for the time being.
– Buddy
Dear Buddy,
I’m really sorry to hear that, bro. You’re really missing out on a yummy treat. Oh well.
What about…? Nah. Nevermind. It’s better you don’t know about the cakes.
– RH
RH,
Come on, dude! Don’t hold out on me! What are these cakes you speak of? I’m already getting hungry.
– Buddy
Buddy,
Okay, okay. If you insist. But I must warn you, these things are so delicious you might never go back to cat food again.
They’re called urinal cakes and they’re usually pink, like the color of fresh turkey…
Pain In The Bud 